Divorce subject AGAIN

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So today was the normal divorce conversation. His saying things to get a rise out of me. Telling me he wants house and dogs. And how could I ever possibly think I should take the dogs from him. I sat there with blank face trying not to change my facial expression. He tried more using more hurtful words to get me to respond. I finally said make the appointment and we can talk there since you will change your mind 500 million times. With that I left the room. He left the house. He returned trying to provoke me again and I said this time I don't know I'm all confused.  He then looked at me with a blank face and left again.  I read the article on leaving process and maybe it right confusing them helps.  Geez not sure what's more exhausting staying or trying to leave. 

[RR4U]

So today was the normal divorce conversation. His saying things to get a rise out of me. Telling me he wants house and dogs. And how could I ever possibly think I should take the dogs from him. I sat there with blank face trying not to change my facial expression. He tried more using more hurtful words to get me to respond. I finally said make the appointment and we can talk there since you will change your mind 500 million times. With that I left the room. He left the house. He returned trying to provoke me again and I said this time I don't know I'm all confused.  He then looked at me with a blank face and left again.  I read the article on leaving process and maybe it right confusing them helps.  Geez not sure what's more exhausting staying or trying to leave. 

[twitchy]

it drives me crazy when they constantly change their minds about things.

It is all exhausting.

Hang in there!

[Daniell85]

What appears to be setting him off on divorce conversations?

He is randomly starting them, or he dysregulates prior to? Is there a pattern to this?

[RR4U]

He's been dystegulating since before thanksgiving. Holidays are never a good time for him. It's just starting to get to me. I really don't know how much more I can take. The constant name calling and screaming is taking its toll on my personal health. It's daily.  I started reading stop caretaking the BPD/NP trying to incorporate this more and also going to be up some issues in Private counseling this week. We've been legally separated but still in same home.  After reading book I understand this just confuses them more. I know he will never file for divorce, it will have to be me. Trying to work through my issues in counseling

[Lucky Jim]

The constant name calling and screaming is taking its toll on my personal health.

Hey RR4U, Right, the Non has to put up with a lot to stay in a BPD r/s and, after a while, it takes a toll on one's physical we'll-being, which is why BPD can be so insidious -- it wipes you out physically, emotionally and financially, at least in my experience.

You might consider working on boundaries as a tool to protect yourself.

LuckyJim

[steve195915]

So today was the normal divorce conversation. His saying things to get a rise out of me. Telling me he wants house and dogs. And how could I ever possibly think I should take the dogs from him. I sat there with blank face trying not to change my facial expression. He tried more using more hurtful words to get me to respond. I finally said make the appointment and we can talk there since you will change your mind 500 million times. With that I left the room. He left the house. He returned trying to provoke me again and I said this time I don't know I'm all confused.  He then looked at me with a blank face and left again.  I read the article on leaving process and maybe it right confusing them helps.  Geez not sure what's more exhausting staying or trying to leave. 

Yes it absolutely seems like if you don't respond in the expected way it totally confuses them.  My BPDgf told me she was done with the relationship and was going on about how terrible of a person I was and making up things but I just sat their quietly listening and didn't respond to any of the accusations or asking her to try and make things work.  When I finally got a chance to speak, I just said "I understand what you are saying is that you are very unhappy with me and are ending the relationship permanently, and though it makes me sad, that I really do love you and want to spend my life with you, I will have to accept what you want and move on with my life."  She then had a look of puzzlement for a few seconds and then responded with "I never said we were over".   They sure like being in control. 

[RR4U]

He continues to torture me every day now with it. today I just said ok I want the house.  He looked at me puzzled and was like you really want to leave.  I played dumb and was like I thought that's what you wanted.  I was like you deserve to be happy.  I also excepted the responsibility that I had a play in making this marriage not working.  I explained that I care to much and that I should of expressed myself more. He was quiet I honestly sometimes think he thinks I'm dumb or something.  I get more then I will ever admit.

I'm starting to hit my breaking point. I really wish we did not have House together. It would make it so much easier just to leave.  At least that's my excuse now. I give credit to those who stay bc I just don't think I can do it anymore

[Thread]

Ha! I never read to do that but I totally was avoiding a fight while I knew my h Bpd was trying to push my buttons. And I totally killed what he pulls, responding my asking his question right back, then when he asked again I played dumb and said I didn't understand what he was trying to ask me. And it kept going until I just said I'm tired and I just don't get it. It shut him up so quickly and he just seemed so confused.

Funny that more people are also resorting to playing dumb as well. I've only done this once, but it was so successful!

I hear you all. It is exhausting and yes can seriously cause health issues. And it's as if a little piece of soul dies each time they lose it.

[sweetheart]

RR4U do you want a divorce ? I can hear you are struggling, but I'm wondering if your SO is picking up on your uncertainty around your relationship and this is triggering his core fears of abandonment. So he keeps dysregulating.

If you do not want to engage in the conversation it is important to put a boundary in place. So the boundary can be, if my SO starts talking about divorce etc, you will say, 'I don't want to discuss this' and go do something else. If he follows you, just calmly repeat the same thing. If you are starting to feel triggered into reacting, this is time to leave.

1. I don't want to discuss this

2. Remove yourself from situation, repeat if necessary

3. Leave house if this doesn't work

4. Follow the same pattern every time subject of divorce comes up

This may take some hardcore perseverance on your part, but if you want his behaviour to change, ( of course there are no guarantees ) then the ownus is on you to disengage and not react to his dysregulated behaviour.

[steve195915]

Ha! I never read to do that but I totally was avoiding a fight while I knew my h Bpd was trying to push my buttons. And I totally killed what he pulls, responding my asking his question right back, then when he asked again I played dumb and said I didn't understand what he was trying to ask me. And it kept going until I just said I'm tired and I just don't get it. It shut him up so quickly and he just seemed so confused.

Funny that more people are also resorting to playing dumb as well. I've only done this once, but it was so successful!

I hear you all. It is exhausting and yes can seriously cause health issues. And it's as if a little piece of soul dies each time they lose it.

Yes playing dumb works well sometimes, also completely ignoring their accusations or insults like they never said it, and sometimes even admitting their insults about you.  Like if my SO called me stupid because I forgot something or didn't do it her expected way, if I just say, "yes I can do stupid things sometimes, I need to improve myself" and then just change the subject to something else.   The worst thing you can do is try to defend yourself, or justify your actions, or worst yet if you accuse them of doing what they are accusing you of... .(which is often the case).  The trick is not to engage in their current emotional dysfunction, divert it to something else. 

[RR4U]

SWEETHEART.

You may be correct. I  struggling on what to do.  Each day I get closer to leaving but I'm not there yet.   I am going to try what you suggested and see how it goes.   Thank you

[Concerns]

I know that if I play dumb then it only gets worse for me. I just get further devalued. Its a downward spiral of degradation. She will assume my stupidity, as a baseline, in further interactions with me. 2cents. The lessons here work well as a foundation for how you could react. Even with normal humans, we have to remember that the more someone behaves in a given way, the more the brain gets hardwired to reinforce those behaviors.