Gratefulness, I don't exactly like it but I'll do it.

[thisworld]

Hello everyone

Reading the posts about likening our situation to addiction and having written one myself, today I decided to take a different turn and practice gratefulness.

I was taught this in 12 step Al-anon circles at a point where all I could see was 1 person (and not myself unfortunately:)) and I couldn't see anything positive in my life. That was surely related to my circumstances but also the narrow focus that didn't allow me to see anything else. It taught to think in ways other than the victim mode. Because we are usually stubborn, it's almost like homework in the beginning, we say it hatingly). I myself am guilty of saying thank you but sounding like f*ck you We can't even feel it sometimes. But slowly, it makes life a bit better.

I'm not grateful to my BPD ex (maybe one day I would come to that position, it's too distant a goal for me at the moment, it's not even a goal). But there are still things I can be grateful for after this bad bad bad relationship. 

So I'm giving it a try:

I'm grateful that this relationship ended despite I'm suffering because worse things may have happened in the long run. It seems that I could be burned so so so badly. (Some people here have such long-term pain and suffering, I just consider myself lucky)

I'm grateful that I managed to keep a roof above my head although it was wrecked. (Some people here lived in tents.)

I'm grateful that I wasn't taken to court after my house was busted by the police because a neighbour said there was a drug thing going on. (Thank you neighbour, really. See, I've done it again )

I'm grateful that I still have my camera, my bicycle and the sea so I'll have some free entertainment until my finances get a bit better.

I'm grateful for his extreme craziness because our relationship exploded at a relatively early stage due to this. (It could have been worse if he kept the façade for years and then dumped me all of a sudden?)

I'm grateful that I acted with relative dignity and honesty even if it was not reciprocated.

I'm grateful that I could fall in love and take the risk of being injured even if I was injured because taking that risk is a courageous act in itself.

I believe this exercise makes me see my life as a whole and prevents me from black and white, all or nothing thinking that can turn my day into a really bad day. It also nicely kicks the BPD person out of my focus for a while.

[Lonely_Astro]

As Dr. Seuss said:  don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

We all learned a lot about ourselves during our time in Wonderland.  I am grateful that it ended before it got deeper than it had.  Sure, it's tough when I see her.  It's tough when I think about the good times but I'm slowly realizing those good times weren't all that good, either.

I'm grateful that I took the risk to open myself to her, even if she did hurt me in the end. 

I'm grateful that I can feel hurt, because I am a normal functioning adult.

I'm grateful that I walked away from the r/s without a child with her and with my health intact.

I'm grateful she let me love her and she loved me back the best she could.  We had a lot of laughs and it wasn't always bad.

I'm grateful for this board who's members have served to keep me grounded when I began to suppress the bad stuff and miss J.

I lost myself during this or at the very least parts of myself and I'm grateful that I am getting myself back instead of constantly putting out fires or looking over my shoulder.

And most importantly, I'm grateful that I can spend more time with my child without worrying if we are 'to much' for her (like she said toward the end). Anyone who can't accept the love of a child, doesn't deserve to be around children to start with.  This ultimately became a point of contention for J because she was afraid my child would "hate her because she broke up our family".  Keep in mind that discussion happened after my divorce had started (other than legal things, for all intents and purposes, I was single). All of a sudden, my child was a concern/issue.

Sorry, got diverted there at the end... .

[Skip]

It helps to stay balanced.

[bdyw8]

Thisworld, thank you for your posts.  I appreciate hearing someone else share about the similarities between relationships with a BPD and addiction.  I have years of working in a 12 step program myself and I totally agree that while it is easy to sit in the victim mode, it's not productive.  Asking "why" makes one a victim - so I'm trying to know focus on the "what" as in "what can I do now".  

I truly believe that things happened as they did because God wanted me to learn from this experience and to move on to bigger and better things in the future.  I came close to relapsing after over 5 years clean and sober and stood on a bridge three times thinking of jumping after the hurts and pains I experienced in my relationship with my exBPD partner.

Quite honestly, my friends in the 12 step program have been a great support and I'm eternally grateful for this support network as well as sites such as this.  I've learned that at the heart of addiction is co-dependency, and my co-dependency kept me latched on to this BPD partner for too many years.  I have a high tolerance for abuse, it appears, as was in my childhood because of low self-esteem and self-worth.  

So I'm grateful that I maintained my sobriety throughout the pain and abuse I suffered

I'm grateful I kept my children and have their love and support

I'm grateful for the people on this site and for my friends that have stood by me throughout

I'm grateful that God has removed this person from my life and that I'm physically healthy

I'm grateful for my job and my home, and that I didn't lose either due to my self destructive behaviour during the relationship

I'm grateful for the opportunity to grow and to learn how to feel good about myself again and believe in myself.

Lastly, I'm grateful for the opportunity to be happy, because I have not been happy for a long time... .

 

[thisworld]

Lonely_Astro,

Thank you for sharing your list with us. It has helped me to see new positives in my relatively dim life. And don't worry about getting diverted. That's our common denominator but we are progressing together

Bdyw8,

Thank you too for sharing your story. So much strength there, so much determination. I'm planning to borrow some of that, if you don't mind

Have a good day folks

[wakingfirst]

Thank you for this, thisworld.  This idea really moves me.  Thank you to all of you who have responded with such candor.

I've mentioned on here before that, for many years, I had difficulty having/enjoying sex due to an early assault.  I have often felt angry/sad about that.  But it occurred to me recently that that fear did protect me, from getting in even deeper with my exwBPD and the sexual circus that surrounded him. And from getting pregnant, which would have changed the shape of my whole life.  So in a strange way I'm grateful for that fear.

I'm grateful I had the strength to walk away when I did.

I'm super grateful to the people on this site and to friends who have supported me through this.

I'm grateful to my ex, for the good times, the moments of incredible sweetness. I'm starting to remember those without anger or the twist in the gut...

I'm grateful that I had the sense/luck to stop the drugs before I became physically addicted or ill.

I'm grateful for my mental health.  I've worked at being sane!  But my God, I'm grateful not to live in the hell of those with BPD.

[kc sunshine]

I like this idea! Thank you thisworld!

1) I'm grateful for getting to experience two blissful periods of totally in love time. Even though they were short-lived, it was great to know and to share that feeling. 

2) I'm grateful for the experience of myself as resilient. And of her as resilient as well (an a thought that we each have our coping mechanisms around loss, but hopefully they will carry us through). 

3) I'm grateful for my friends and family and this board and my therapist for listening (and reading) me talk ad infinitum about my ex.

4) I'm grateful for getting to know my ex's awesome daughter.

5) I grateful that I still think my ex is great even if we can't be together-- I'm glad that feeling survived the horror of our nasty two breakups.

6) I'm grateful that I learned about BPD so could put things in context.

7) I'm grateful that my ex told me she had BPD and her partners before her that clued her into it.

8) I'm grateful for my health and strong body which helped me make it through the grief of the breakup (exercise).

9) I'm grateful for my strong spiritual belief which I think got stronger through this ordeal.

10) I'm grateful for understanding more about myself through this situation which hopefully I can put to good use in terms of growth and future relationships. 

[DreamGirl]

I'm grateful for... .

... .the times I was able to maintain the course. How resilient I've become and how proud I am of myself for every time I was able to stay true to myself. Sometimes that is so hard.

... .the friends I've met along the way. Some of the kindest, gentlest souls are survivors of bad things.

... .learning tools that I use in real life all the time; difficult people are all around me and because of her I really do have better communication skills. Even with my children.

... .she made me look at why I could not handle situations well, she is the reason I landed myself in a therapist's chair and faced a childhood and my best kept secret

... .the ability to ventilate a room of my ego. There is not a time or a place for ego in true friendships and relationships

... .determining my values and establishing boundaries to protect those values; for the first time in my life I have really cool boundaries that actually keep me connected to others ---- it's how we are able to coexist in peace.

... .for Winnie the Pooh.  You're braver than you believe, Stronger than you seem, And smarter than you think.

[thisworld]

Wakingfirst,

Thank you for your brave comments. They have given me a big life lesson that first sent me to tears and then a newly found strength and I felt how lucky I am to have found this site and friends. After your post that showed me how we could transform our very negative experiences to strength for ourselves, I thought about my childhood and my relationship with my mother. I tried to practice gratefulness to my mother, which came out with some sarcasm at first. I managed to revise it until it felt more humane. I felt strong doing this. Thank you for being an example for me.     

[thisworld]

Kc Sunshine, Dreamgirl,

Thank you for your inspiring lists. Yes, actually, there is a lot for us to be positive about. I'd love to learn how you relate to your resilience, do you have tips to increase it, what is, in your opinion,  the biggest block that prevents us from experiencing our resilience?

Have a nice day,