I need help

[james_s]

While I have been reading posts regularly, I have not posted in a while. I would appreciate some help as I really don't know how to proceed.

Nearly a year to the day, I went NC on my BPD ex. It was the classic story you all know too well, absolutely magical beginning leading to devaluation that resulted in verbal and physical abuse that got serious despite getting her help and seeing a counsellor. I walked away after one of those episodes.

We have not had any contact for a year (her social media has been inactive, some still with photos of us).

This is where it gets complicated. While we were not together for a long time, as my ex was from another country, we were forced to do a partner visa through marriage. When the relationship ended, she returned to her home country.

Due to local legal rules, as part of the divorce process and short duration of marriage, unless I was to re-engage in contact and attempt to organise new counselling, I need to write details of the abuse to the court to get it passed. I have drafted this with the help of a lawyer. The complication is, she needs to be served the document.

Despite all the words in the essay being true and the abuse toned down, I am worried about an intense emotional response she will get from reading this. This could lead to potentially unwanted actions (suicide, organising violence against me or my family, revenge etc.) that I would really struggle to live with and would look back on this time and think about what I should have done.

I accept there is probably no way around this. My question to you guys, is re-engaging in contact before she is served the document to soften the blow a good idea? An impersonal email saying I applied for divorce, needed to write the document to the courts, you will get documents, wish you all the best etc. Pretty much breaking NC to soften the blow of a legal document outlining the abuse?

[once removed]

hi james_s and welcome back 

im hoping others will chime in as im really not versed in these matters, and you may want to consider posting on the family law board.

my gut tells me if youve not had contact in a year, that it would not necessarily soften the blow to get in contact before the document is served.

[WoundedBibi]

Wow... difficult one...

I'm not sure contacting her now would help to soften the blow.

Out of curiousity, why did you tone down the abuse?

I get that you want to prevent suicide, revenge etc. But you cannot control what she thinks, feels or does. Neither is it your job to do so. Is there a way to have the papers served to her and to protect yourself and loved ones? Change phone numbers and email addresses?

[james_s]

Thanks so much for your replies WoundedBibi and once removed. I considered posting in the family law board but I thought as it is not really a legal issue, more of a contact vs no contact, to ask here but I can move it.

WoundedBibi, I toned it down in the essay because it was unnecessary for the application and I guess I am worried about the repercussions so thought I would limit the damage and not cause undue stress. She is in another country and emails and phone numbers are ok. The address is known however and theoretically could be used, a new smear campaign, a legal response as well as the risk of suicide which would be devastating.

[MapleBob]

I understand the desire to minimize the collateral damage (especially to yourself) of legally ending your commitments to each other, but I do hope that you recognize that you are free of the moral *responsibility* to manage the consequences of the abusive actions of your abuser!

[james_s]

I understand the desire to minimize the collateral damage (especially to yourself) of legally ending your commitments to each other, but I do hope that you recognize that you are free of the moral *responsibility* to manage the consequences of the abusive actions of your abuser!

That is a great point. The moral responsibility to manage the consequences of their bad actions was a big one both during the relationship and after... .

[Caley]

I would entrust your Lawyer to deal with it ... ALL OF IT ... and then address why you feel the need to soften the blow and take responsibility for anything your ex will do, as a result.

Can I introduce you to another way of looking at this?

You are not responsible for her ... she is. You are responsible for you, not her. Attempts to 'soften' the blow (are you seeing your request to settle legal matters as aggressive?) is you attempting to 'control' a reaction because you're worried you're going to cause upset and/or are fearful of the consequences of what simply is required to be done, legally.

For whatever reason ... the marriage has failed and there are legal matters to address ... a Lawyer is employed to do this effectively because they are trained and understand the process ... unless you interfere. Why not look at it like this! "The more you interfere ... the more the Lawyer has to work to get you your freedom ... because you interfered." Have you got bushels of gold to waste?

I'd leave everything to the Lawyer ... enquire into what went wrong ... and why you were attracted to marrying someone you didn't know very well.

[james_s]

I would entrust your Lawyer to deal with it ... ALL OF IT ... and then address why you feel the need to soften the blow and take responsibility for anything your ex will do, as a result.

Can I introduce you to another way of looking at this?

You are not responsible for her ... she is. You are responsible for you, not her. Attempts to 'soften' the blow (are you seeing your request to settle legal matters as aggressive?) is you attempting to 'control' a reaction because you're worried you're going to cause upset and/or are fearful of the consequences of what simply is required to be done, legally.

For whatever reason ... the marriage has failed and there are legal matters to address ... a Lawyer is employed to do this effectively because they are trained and understand the process ... unless you interfere. Why not look at it like this! "The more you interfere ... the more the Lawyer has to work to get you your freedom ... because you interfered." Have you got bushels of gold to waste?

I'd leave everything to the Lawyer ... enquire into what went wrong ... and why you were attracted to marrying someone you didn't know very well.

Fair point Caley, thanks for your thoughts. It is going ahead as per the lawyer and hopefully all will be fine in a few weeks.

Marrying her did not seem like a brilliant idea at all despite things mostly being good then. But it was a very simple situation, marriage or her getting kicked out of the country within a month. Not an easy situation to be in... .