Child free by choice because of BPD childhood

[isilme]

Cliff notes: I grew up isolated as an only child in a house with a BPD mom and an ASD dad.  They were physically, verbally and emotionally abusive and I was often neglected.  I am almost 39, and am still trying to come to terms with my life, and how 15 years with both parents and 4 more with just dad made me who I am.

I am afraid to be a mom.  Ever.  And most days I can deal with this.  But I get sick of being treated as though I am just adverse to poop and spit up.  When asked if fi and want kids, I just say not now, and when pushed I let people know I had a rough upbringing and don't wNt to repeat those mistakes or go too far trying to avoid them and make even worse ones. 

But people who grew up in relatively normal homes, even ones with divorce, even ones that had one abusive parent and one decent one, just can't understand.

A lady at work, a few years younger than I am, got on the topic of her 2 kids and several step kids, and kept insisting all my fears would just go away once I hold my own baby.  I was like, " I lived through things most people haven't, and don't want to pass that on." Because what do you say?  My dad liked to threaten murder-suicide while waving kitchen knives and mom egged him on, saying he's not a man if he didn't kill her?  I am still finding disassociated memories coming back.  And have to admit at times, I almost wish one would kill the other just to make it stop.  This just came back tonight.  I didn't care at 15 if one killed the other sometimes because I wanted it all over.  How could I ever be a mother with feelings like that's? Mi feel like a monster right now.

I don't hate children, no matter what people think.  I want to never hurt my kids by not having them.  Has anyone else felt like this?  I am NC with pretty much the only living family I have including mom and dad.  I can't even offer family to kids.  But people can't understand this.  I even sometime see some people as having kids to fulfill their own desires for unconditional love... .That was my moms reason for having me. 

Anyone else afraid of being a parent because theirs were so terrible?

[daughterandmom]

Hi isilme   

I am so sorry you grew up in that environment. I really feel for you. I know how it is when people can't possibly understand the baggage you carry with you. And then they try to be encouraging, but downplay it, like aw everyone has troubles and you'll be fine. I think they mostly mean well though, especially with the kid thing. People that have kids often feel like they have found their purpose, and they feel love for their family, so they want the same for you. They don't know the feelings they are triggering in you- I'm sorry.

You know yourself best, and I completely support your decision not to have kids. I had kids very early, before I really understood the damage done by my childhood, and while I love them very much, it was VERY hard for me. Many things were triggering and I was in a constant high alert anxiety. BUT I had the same fears as you- that I would somehow repeat my parents mistakes.

But that's just it. Even thinking that, being aware of that, would keep you from doing it. I had my own struggles raising kids, but I loved them and never did the things my mother did. If anything, I was way too careful.

Every time I tell my therapist I am so afraid I somehow made my kids feel like I did and didn't know it, he tells me I spent so much effort trying  not to be my mother that even if I put all my effort into being just like her I could barely touch it.

You are a self aware person. You don't want to hurt anyone. Right there, you can never make the mistakes your parents did

Hugs 

[ijustwantpeace]

I even sometime see some people as having kids to fulfill their own desires for unconditional love... .That was my moms reason for having me. 

Like daughters said you are self aware and that is a wonderful thing.  Wanting to have children to share your love and teach them things is the right reason to have children.

I don't have children because of my childhood and am afraid my mother would screw them up like she is doing to my brothers kids.  She create turmoil so she can feel needed and loved.  It is messed up.

I was starting to thing all women were selfish and crazy until recently based on my mother.  The guilt and judgment from others was/is overwhelming at times. 


What helped me is finding out she has mental illness, this forum, and going to a bible study through my church with couples who have happy marriages marked by love and successful communication.  Finding healthy couples made be at least see it is possible.  You got to believe it is possible or don't bother.

When asked why I am not married I simply respond that a good wife is truly a gift from God.  It is not about what you can get, but what you can give.  Most people don't understand this so I stay single.

[isilme]

Thank you ijustwantpeace and daughterandmom.

FI and I are getting married in a few years, but both of us worry we will not be good parents, have just barely gotten to where we are being paid reasonably at work, each of us, and worry that we could not support a child financially, even ignoring emotional issues I fear.  I am going to 39 soon, and know that even if we magically overcome those obstacles in a year or two, attempting to have a child in your 40s even today is still risky.  I know several women who suffered multiple miscarriages by trying to conceive in their late 30s, early-mid forties.  One had 5, and some were far enough to term to require funerals.  FI and I love kids, and are fine attempting to adopt if it comes to that, and now rescue animals.

I know most people have kids in a normal desire to have a family.  I DO know some who want to be a mommy to sooth themselves disregarding the fact the child is a human being - they are the ones that scare me, and I want to run as far from that feeling as possible.  I was my mother's "wooby".  When she needed comfort, that was my job.  And in some ways, a daughter SHOULD be able to and willing to comfort her mother... .but usually as an adult, not starting about age 5, and progressing into mini-her.

With the wedding coming up, kids are a natural question.  I just hit a hard moment, as many memories I have are coming back in full - they were just partial.  I could remember factually the events that occurred, but was detached from many of the feelings.  MY breakthrough crisis started on about 2009-2010, when the feelings started coming back and I realized I felt rage, sadness, betrayal, mourning, all over how I grew up.  And last night, my brain started analyzing my conversation at work, you know, the things you DON'T say, and the feelings about the situation at 15 made me feel like a bad person.

AND, since BPD is not understood, known about, and many people seem to excape it for the most part in their lives, it's really really hard for people to conceive of the experiences of someone with BPD in the family. 

[busybee1116]

We are a kidless couple by choice. Before we got married, we decided most likely we would not have kids. My husband didn't really want any and I was ambivalent. Plus, we both work full time and not really interested in becoming a SAHM. I also realized I didn't want my kids to be raised by my parents (who lived near-ish at the time)--this was before I really understood their dynamic, but even then it was clear to me they should not be around kids! Then, a few years into our marriage, it became clear we couldn't have kids even if we wanted them and it was kind of a relief.

For the well meaning people who ask--and as you noted, really common around the time you get married--I said something bland like maybe someday or funny like "... .because you want to babysit?" Now, I usually say "I like kids!" because we do. "We just don't want any of our own." For those that understand that, I explain we are the best aunt and uncle and our jobs make it really tough to have children. For those that are well-meaning but truly do not get it, I usually give some very generic/BIFF reply like "being a parent is the most important job in the world!" or "Not yet!" then switch topics.

I also think you are being way too hard on yourself. You are not a monster or selfish or mean. You are thoughtful and know what you are facing. Some people heal their child-parent relationship issues by being a better/different parent. I get that. I don't think it's right for me. I also wish more people who had kids had thought about whether they should or not and decided NOT TO. It's a huge responsibility, the most important job. Some people are not qualified. Your parents were the monsters. NOT YOU.

[ijustwantpeace]

isilme,

I think you will be alright so long as you acknowledge the past and both you and your FI work on communications.  More specifically what kind of life do the two of you want to have together.  What will it look like?  Who is going to be included in your new life, and who is going to be out.  Be willing to be flexible and change when you need to change so it feels good for the both of you.

A girlfriend once said all children need is love.  That is so true the best gift you can give a child is not stuff, but your love and attention.  Many people are worried about their financial situation.  All you can do is work hard and try to better yourself, and maybe eve get a little side hustle going.

A spent the past couple days blaming my mom for my current miserable situation when the truth is that it is the BPD that is to blame.  No amount of animosity I heap on her will do anything but hurt me.

You will get through this.

[steelwork]

I don't hate children, no matter what people think.  I want to never hurt my kids by not having them.  Has anyone else felt like this?  

Yes. Me.

I also never had a stable relationship during my childbearing years, so there was no one to have them with, and I didn't have the personal stability to have them on my own. I'm 50 now, and I have to admit that I sometimes feel robbed.

I am so sorry for what you went through.

[GeekyGirl]

Anyone else afraid of being a parent because theirs were so terrible?

Oh yes. Oh my goodness yes. As you can see, you're not alone.

No matter what you decide, doing the work to take care of yourself and deal with the pain that came out of your childhood will be well worth the effort. Yes, it's very true that many people (including non-BPD parents) have children because they want unconditional love. It's also possible to raise healthy, happy kids, even if you did grow up in a dysfunctional home.

To the people who pressure you one way or another to have or not have kids, I think busybee1116 has a good point--you'll probably receive lots of comments and some (perhaps well-meaning) advice. It's really no one's business.

The question I'd ask myself in your shoes is, ":)o I want children despite my fears, or do I feel that it's not for me?" There's nothing wrong with being childless if that's your ultimate decision. It's great that you and your fiance are having this discussion now, BTW. 

You're absolutely right--it's impossible for someone who didn't grow up with a BPD parent to truly understand what it's like, but you're showing how different you are from your parents by showing empathy for your potential children and others.

[LostnSpace]

isilme!

I have the same feelings.  I am 56 and when I was younger was *very* unsure about being a mother.  Some women just *live* to settle down and have a family.   It is the natural order of life to want to settle down and recreate the warm nuclear family home environment that a person experienced growing up (info per therapist).  I don't feel sorry for myself but I didn't want to put a child through the same craziness and was terrified that I would feel about my children the way that my mother felt about me and my brothers.  My husband and I had one child and I then had my tubes tied.  I know my GYN was scratching her head at my surgery decision and when my husband and I met with her before my tubal ligation the doctor offered to discuss with us the joys/challenges of a second child if I wanted to hear.  I told her no, I didn't want to hear (in a nice way, not rudely.)  

isilme-NO ONE will ever understand and so there is no point explaining to them. I find it a very intrusive question to ask of someone... . so be armed with all kinds of comebacks:

1 - I am a great "aunt", great "god mother", great "wife", etc. and thats the role I want

2 - Wow that is such a personal question! why would you ask that?  

3 - I find your comment nosey.

4 - Or just lie and say you can't have children!  No one is entitled to your personal truth but you!

[sheishei]

We, the ones that have experience this pain need to accept that people out there will never understand , fully understand what it is like living with this, you will become a healthy person , have a healthy loving life, the ones that choose to have kids , raise them on a loving family, but trying to explain to someone else what you´re feeling or why it´s for nothing, they will just not understand, because most people don´t know about this, most people don´t even know what BPD stands for. You have nothing to worry about, you´re on your total rights to decide what you want, you re not hurting anyone, and i agree that most people don´t mean it wrong, but i can see how they could have a judgemental way of expressing what they think.

I find it really hard to have an objective opinion , if someone would ask me about someone i don´t know if she´s a good mother , just by the appearances, all i think about is my mother and how she seemed so great , till this day there is still people that know what i have been through and they always ask me how she´s doing and i say i don´t talk to her and they say , oh poor her ! and i thought that if i had a daughter she would not love me or i wouldn´t be a good mother , just because of my experience with my own mother but this are all fears. You need to allow yourself to do what is right for you, just like the boundaries , no one can tell me how close i need or have to be with my mother , no one can decide for you on that matter.

[hergestridge]

Trust your gut feeling. I had a BPD dad and I never felt like having kids, ever. My wife talked me into it (or threatened me really). Since my wife was BPD I had to do all the work, and I'm not really fit for it. I'm not saying I'm a bad father (a little different perhaps), but parenthood sucks the life out of me. I have to hide the fear and sadness I carry inside because that would only make damage.

So, if you feel you're not up for it then you're probably not.

[khibomsis]

I'm 53. Never had kids. Never regretted it.I always think that when I was suicidally depressed at 37 they would probably have had to go live with my uBPD mom. I hate no child of mine that much. I adore being an aunt. But if you ever feel the urge to reproduce, I have a cure. Borrow some kids for a weekend or the school holidays. Their parents will love the break.    I just had a six year old and two four year old twins for the weekend so I know I made the right decision for me. The best thing about aunting is you get to drop them off

[unicorn2014]

I am your age and I have a 15 year old and I can tell you it is really hard. Her father wanted to get me pregnant when I was 20 and I was like no we have to get married first. I ended up divorcing him when she was 4 and I have been raising her on my own ever since, with no help from my family or his family and its been incredibly hard. I think that if you don't want to have children that is your right. I love my daughter and raising her on my own has given me an independence I could have never dreamed of however it has been incredibly hard, I suffer from PTSD as a result of what I've been through, both childhood neglect and abusive marriage. I try not to talk to "normies" as we call them in recovery circles. They just won't understand. I hope you can find the support you need from this board and other sources of support available to you. Are you in therapy or any support groups?

[steelwork]

An issue for me right now is that I'm increasingly aware of how much my choices were not really just mine, whatever the party line in my family might have led me to believe. As discussed elsewhere on this board, I see now how out of touch I've been with my true emotions, and how my mother and father imposed themselves in my superficial desires. I think I would have loved having kids. I had it in me to be a good parent. 

Here are two controversial statements that I'll make under the cloak of anonymity:

1. Having a kid would have forced me to live a stabler life.

2. I'm scared and a little angry that I will have no one to care for me should I make it to feeble old age.

About #2: parents who hear that always say, There are no guarantees that my kids will look out for me. True enough, but probably they will. The ancient Greeks had a word--I think paedotrophia--that expressed this universal value, and whether we are conscious of it or not, I believe it's a big part of the drive for parenting.

I have a few young people in my life who I hope will stick by me. I've considered selecting some heirs among the ones I feel closest to

[isilme]

FI and I have been together a very long time, and will actually be getting married at our 20th anniversary.  He and his family have their own issues, and he dealt with a lot before I was NC with mine, so we've taken a long time to get here.  Were I where I am mentally and financially, and about to be married 10 years ago, I'd consider kids a possibility.  And I think sometimes people I work with forget my age, and don't realize I am past prime child bearing years.

I guess I've just seen we'rd reactions to not planning to have kids, from people thinking I must hate them, thinking I am just grossed out by diapers (Hello - I cared for my step sister's kids for 2 years, infant, 4 year old, 8 year old - she was too busy chasing her husband around town), that I am just lazy, that I hate THEIR kids, etc.  I feel like no matter what, I will never have the 'normal' that other people take for granted. 

[GeekyGirl]

And I think sometimes people I work with forget my age, and don't realize I am past prime child bearing years.

I guess I've just seen we'rd reactions to not planning to have kids, from people thinking I must hate them, thinking I am just grossed out by diapers (Hello - I cared for my step sister's kids for 2 years, infant, 4 year old, 8 year old - she was too busy chasing her husband around town), that I am just lazy, that I hate THEIR kids, etc.  I feel like no matter what, I will never have the 'normal' that other people take for granted. 

That can invoke a number of emotions--what really matters in the end is how comfortable you are with the decision. I understand what you mean though. DH and I have one child, and although I've gone back and forth about having another, the reactions of other people when they hear that my DS is an only child sometimes range from intrusive "So when are you going to have another?" to downright rude "Only children can be spoiled and lonely." It's REALLY hard to tune out the noise sometimes. I try to remind myself that most people (BPDmother aside  ) generally mean well and aren't trying to invoke any reaction out of me... .they're just giving me their unfiltered reactions. 

I feel like no matter what, I will never have the 'normal' that other people take for granted. 

That's understandable too. It's likely that none of us will have that "normal," but it's also possible that you can live happily without that "normal."   You're definitely doing a good thing by being open and honest with your FI.

[khibomsis]

Isilme, I wonder if your fostering might not be the reason you don't want to have kids? I was a parental child, co-dependent, starting mothering from the age of 7 with my younger brother and never really stopping. I did not even know I had a right to have a life of my own until a few decades later. Part of that was from inside, I just waited until they were old enough to get out of home and I would pick them up and carry them into adulthood. It a promise I had made to my inner child and found it very healing. But as I get older I feel obliged to pay more attention to the unfinished mothering I never had. Once we finish grieving the parental neglect there is still the emotional work undone. So yes, I would have loved to have the freedom to be a mature adult, freely choosing motherhood because I was ready for it. But normal is for other people. This is what it is. I remain  happy that I did not take out my own unfinished mothering on a poor defenseless child. For me sparing my birth child this BPD family was love. Do you think it can be?   

[Please help]

You sound like me. I took the plunge and found a great lady to have a beautiful baby with. I too have no family to offer a child and lots of baggage which I hope I can keep a lid on to raise this child healthy.

The very fact you think like this tells me you would make a great parent. Please do not deprive yourself of this experience.

Living well is the best revenge !

[daughterandmom]

You sound like me. I took the plunge and found a great lady to have a beautiful baby with. I too have no family to offer a child and lots of baggage which I hope I can keep a lid on to raise this child healthy.

The very fact you think like this tells me you would make a great parent. Please do not deprive yourself of this experience.

Living well is the best revenge !

I want to agree with please help here.  One thing I have learned for sure from my experience parenting, is that no one needs to repeat the experience they were raised with. We know what to avoid and are more careful to be good parents than 'normal' people IMHO. Like was said- we are aware of the baggage we have and make an effort to keep a lid on it.

Parenting is really hard on someone with the background many of us share, but our kids? They get good parents.