Red flags that'll make me nope the hell out of there ~

[jujux15]

If they can't have steady friends of the same sex but they can make friends of the opposite sex easily? Nope nope nope

[ambivalentmom]

There is a joke commercial on Saturday Night Live for "Red Flag" perfume.  It can be found on YouTube.  It's funny, but kinda' true and they include the line, "... .and all her friends are dudes."  Makes me think of this post.

My ex didn't really have any friends at the time that we were married that I knew about, but 10-14 hrs of his day was spent on World of Warcraft, so I don't what their gender was.  Of course he played for 10-14 hrs most days in a seperate room that he locked himself in and I wasn't allowed in, so yeah "Red Flag".

[GreenEyedMonster]

If they can't have steady friends of the same sex but they can make friends of the opposite sex easily? Nope nope nope

Funny, I hadn't thought of this before, but this was true of my ex, and he's a guy!  He was fairly introspective, all things considered, and pointed this out to me plainly.  Still pondering its significance.

[jujux15]

If they can't have steady friends of the same sex but they can make friends of the opposite sex easily? Nope nope nope

Funny, I hadn't thought of this before, but this was true of my ex, and he's a guy!  He was fairly introspective, all things considered, and pointed this out to me plainly.  Still pondering its significance.

This is how I looked at it. Developing friends of the same sex although a no Brainer is a skill we developed as children. The fact that they can not is a testament to the fact that they lack mental maturity. It was very sad, not only could my ex not make same sex friends but she would idealize them and devalue current bfs or vice versa. Then turn around and wonder why nobody liked her

[GreenEyedMonster]

In my ex's case, I think that the female friends he had seemed very codependent and motherly.  They treated him like a little pet.  I am not sure why he didn't make friends with other men easily. 

Honestly, the presence of heaps of codependent women in his life really bothered me.  It was a red flag.  I didn't like other women -- even married ones -- "getting" something from my boyfriend that way, even if it was just some kind of emotional supply.  Especially with the married ones, I felt like they were all loose cannons because they were clearly seeking some kind of emotional fulfillment outside of their marriages already.  The cherry on top was that my ex's only other relationship was with a married woman.

[Newton]

jujux15... .a thanks for the "nope the hell out of there"... .not heard that one before... .made me smile  

Red flags exhibited by another help us to identify potential minefields/emotional quicksand... .many of us supressed or explained away feelings of unease in order to fulfill our own desires... .sometimes we simply weren't emotionally educated enough to recognise them as warning signs  .

Your initial post seems a little b+w in the delivery (perhaps a little refinement during this thread?... ... .and yet I totally get the gist of where you are coming from... .

My exs (assumed BPD) often had an entourage of male 'hangers on' (many ... .the majority actually... .had sexual encounters with my partners previously).  They had loose boundaries and were hoping for a recycle... .my partners benefited from knowing they had a 'safe' space to run to should the shtf with me

As you alluded to... .it appeared that female work friends,  collegues, my sisters, aunts etc were lambasted by them after only a few meetings.

It's certainly an interesting topic... .

[GoingBack2OC]

One really odd - very very early red flag for me (I simply didnt know what to make of it at the time having no experience with BPD or any other cluster disorders); was my exGF would do this:

When we first started dating, and say we were lying in bed, or laying on the couch watching a movie. If my arm was around her, and she leaned forward, her hair under my arm a little; she would gasp in extreme pain, and then hold her head... .as if I had ripped a chunk of hair out on purpose. Or if our knees bumped in bed; Ouch WOW oowwww horrible sadness and pain and anguish.  (I mean, lets talk physics here... .under the laws of physics my knee would have bumped her knee at exactly the same strength/velocity); secondly, I felt no pain, third, if it did hurt, I certianly didnt hurt her on purpose... .I mean, she leaned forward, and her hair was tucked between the blanket and my arm unknowingly.

Of course, my only reaction was naturally, oh my gosh are you ok?  Then she would curl down in pain, I'd apologize, have to comfort her, and her mood would change from loving to more "I've got stuff to do".

Weirdest thing ever... .up until then. Later, it got way weirder.

[GoingBack2OC]

Oh, and after she moved in; I had had a maid- who came weekly; did laundry, cleaned the whole place.

This maid, I had had for 9 years. 9 years. She was always honest, and is a great person. Has kids, she great.

This housekeeper; would leave $20 bills on my dresser that she found in my pockets while washing jeans. Often.

But within 2 weeks of moving in... .I was in the position of having to constantly, on a 1-2 times a month basis; defend her:

No she did not steal "one" of your earrings. No she did not steal your dress (size difference alone). She was constantly paranoid anything misplaced was stolen by her. She did not like having a person come in to our home to clean.

Very odd.

[Newton]

GoingBack20C... .I have that t shirt  

Great that you now recognise your desire to 'heal the pain caused'... .



Researching the 'waif' archetype often manifested in BPD symptoms helped me to appreciate their/my interaction in this dynamic... .does that info resonate with your experience?... .

[Fr4nz]

If they can't have steady friends of the same sex but they can make friends of the opposite sex easily? Nope nope nope

I can relate, ! It is an extremely common pattern.

My ex didn't have ANY long-term girlfriend (expect for one, who she lost towards the end of our relationship, anyway).

[GoingBack2OC]

GoingBack20C... .I have that t shirt  

Great that you now recognise your desire to 'heal the pain caused'... .



Researching the 'waif' archetype often manifested in BPD symptoms helped me to appreciate their/my interaction in this dynamic... .does that info resonate with your experience?... .

Can't say I'm familiar with the waif type, but I'll read up on it. It wasnt so much that I'm a healer or "need to heal". But how else does one react to someone crying in pain... .especially when you are just getting to know them. Later in the relationship I realized ok this is so over dramatized. I'd still ask "you alright", but in a more "get real" tone.  I'll read up.

[Newton]

GoingBack20C... .I truly hope you do   I experienced said situation, on it's own perhaps it was my bad... .perhaps I slipped and caused pain... .do you think you did?... I didn't... , yet I wanted to appear caring... and apologised.

Adding these 'events' together... .over time, that do not quite sit right with us... .and not listening to our intuition, gut says a lot about us... .as well as them.

[Rayban]

A major Red Flag for me, is how strong she came on initially. She's the one that approached me initially (we work together). I'm a normal looking guy, and I normally have to work hard just to get a woman's number LOL. It wasn't a problem with her. Met her on a Thursday, had our first date the following SAturday.

[Itstopsnow]

My ex had no friends . He had two girls that were friends but stopped talking to them when he dated me. I'm sure he ran back to them when we were fighting or they got sick of him and stopped talking.  No guy friends though. I think because some borderlines don't know how to have true intimacy in friendships or relationships . That they can't sustain friendships . Sex is what they use as intimacy . So having platonic friends are hard for them. They think they need to give their bodies in order to be liked or wanted . My ex also in the beginning would be laying in bed talking to me and sometimes think I was crying! He would keep asking why are you crying ? I assured him many times I wasn't! That was only in the beginning when we were in bed talking about our future or feelings for each other. That was so strange and uncomfortable . Can anyone please tell me what that is about? It was like I had to convince him I wasn't crying! Which I wasn't. He always thought he could read my "tells". He was paranoid at times and he was almost always wrong with my tells. So strange

[jujux15]

My ex had no friends . He had two girls that were friends but stopped talking to them when he dated me. I'm sure he ran back to them when we were fighting or they got sick of him and stopped talking.  No guy friends though. I think because some borderlines don't know how to have true intimacy in friendships or relationships . That they can't sustain friendships . Sex is what they use as intimacy . So having platonic friends are hard for them. They think they need to give their bodies in order to be liked or wanted . My ex also in the beginning would be laying in bed talking to me and sometimes think I was crying! He would keep asking why are you crying ? I assured him many times I wasn't! That was only in the beginning when we were in bed talking about our future or feelings for each other. That was so strange and uncomfortable . Can anyone please tell me what that is about? It was like I had to convince him I wasn't crying! Which I wasn't. He always thought he could read my "tells". He was paranoid at times and he was almost always wrong with my tells. So strange

Interesting enough my ex also thought she could read my tells however she was 100% correct with them haha as you can imagine it only helped further the whole "soul mate" notion

[GoingBack2OC]

GoingBack20C... .I truly hope you do   I experienced said situation, on it's own perhaps it was my bad... .perhaps I slipped and caused pain... .do you think you did?... I didn't... , yet I wanted to appear caring... and apologised.

Adding these 'events' together... .over time, that do not quite sit right with us... .and not listening to our intuition, gut says a lot about us... .as well as them.

So I did read up on the female achetype; funny (I work in film; and have simply used the word "Priss" to describe much the same character type.

In regards to what you asked; no I don't think she is or was a waif. The sites I read described the waif could best be described as Dorothy from Wizard of Oz.

I'd say she's more of a cluster; waif being one of them. Honestly though. My ex came across as somewhat schizoid. So waif, yea perhaps one minute. The next minute she had turned into Darth Vader standing across the room issuing me a death grip with the force. No joke.

I told her in the end; she was a lightswitch. Flip on, happy, 10 seconds later, flip off,  hateful.

Tough.

[Newton]

I'm not sure if the research/publication is advocated here... also I'd need to go back and check my source... .but the five archetypes of 'siren, waif, witch, hermit, queen'... certainly resonated with what I experienced in exs behaviour.

I'm sure we all express elements of them from time to time... .but with very troubled partners it became rather apparent as the relationships unfolded... .the general bias towards one or two of the above in their mannerisms, lifestyle. Initial red flags (outburts/aspects of the above) were easy to put aside as I was being idolised... and a fixer.

After a few months together... .when they were dysregulated I witnessed them rapid cycling between the archetypes... .very scary.

[MapleBob]

A major Red Flag for me, is how strong she came on initially. She's the one that approached me initially (we work together). I'm a normal looking guy, and I normally have to work hard just to get a woman's number LOL. It wasn't a problem with her. Met her on a Thursday, had our first date the following SAturday.

My first thought was "love bombing" straight out the gate. 

[MakingMyWay]

Love bombing was a big one. She went from "this person is nice to talk to" to "I love you and want to be with you forever" in the space of a week when I asked her out.

[jujux15]

Love bombing was a big one. She went from "this person is nice to talk to" to "I love you and want to be with you forever" in the space of a week when I asked her out.

I was impressive, had the best morals she's ever seen smart, handsome, the best in bed. I could write an article man haha

[shatra]

Newton wrote

My exs (assumed BPD) often had an entourage of male 'hangers on' (many ... .the majority actually... .had sexual encounters with my partners previously).  They had loose boundaries and were hoping for a recycle... .my partners benefited from knowing they had a 'safe' space to run to should the shtf with me

----Did your ex's not actually cheat with the hangers on while your ex's were with you? BPDs don't always cheat.

[jujux15]

Newton wrote

My exs (assumed BPD) often had an entourage of male 'hangers on' (many ... .the majority actually... .had sexual encounters with my partners previously).  They had loose boundaries and were hoping for a recycle... .my partners benefited from knowing they had a 'safe' space to run to should the shtf with me

----Did your ex's not actually cheat with the hangers on while your ex's were with you? BPDs don't always cheat.

To my knowledge know we had a strict no cheating and if one of us did it was a deal breaker no second chances. My father was a cheater so she knew how I felt about this, in fact she knew that if she ever did so she'd be dad to me scum. I don't tolerate cheating