Emerging from the worst relationship of my life - my story

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have only just learnt about this disorder, after commencing therapy recently in response to the break up of my relationship with my ex partner.  We met and started seeing each other in August of 2014 and 7 weeks ago he broke up with me. I was older, and my compassion and care-taking behaviours were triggered from the get go when he and his grandmother told me of his childhood, characterised by sexual abuse, neglect (both physical and emotional) and geographical instability. I am a single parent, and when he met me he said that he saw I was a warrior woman taking care of my kids on my own and I felt so valued - I felt 'seen'.  The romance was deep and a whirlwind. 

He talked about his exes very early on, and there were many. We were doing this long-distance, but flying up and down to each other every month.  I thought I'd found 'The One' - that person that understood me more than anyone on this earth. Just before Christmas in 2014 he started a new job and he had an affair with his boss, also an older woman.  He said it was because I hadn't moved to where he was (he had asked me but it was not easy logistically with needing a job and getting my kids there) and he needed someone there.  But he came back and I let him, in January the following year, because I still loved him (or thought I did).

We had the push/pull dynamic, the splitting, the crazy responses to things on his behalf, the constant contact and neediness to know I was available at all times.  He was impulsive and would decide at a moments notice to create a new business or change a job. He controlled the persona he presented to the world and controlled who could see what part of him. He had enormous depressive episodes and one time, after a big argument with his friend over owed money, when he went missing for 24 hours I contacted his best friend, as he'd never not been in contact with me for that long, since I'd met him.  I was so worried.  He found out and went ballistic - told me to never talk to him again and I was dead to him.  He was raging.  I was gobsmacked - I did it out of concern but I realised later his response was from jealousy and fear of me liking his mate - he also used to accuse me of sleeping with his own father whom he didn't trust!

He relied on me to give him advice on everything and do so much for him; he developed his own business but I did his risk management work and resume and grant apps and you name it.  I needed him to need me - my codependency as it turns out.  After completely rejecting me for contacting his mate we ended up resuming contact, after a couple of weeks.  In July of last year I fell pregnant with his child. He had told me it was the one thing he wanted most but was most terrified of. I called him and told him and he completely freaked out.  Blocked me from all contact.  I had already booked to fly to him and thought I could speak to him when I got there... .told myself maybe he was just getting used to the news... and then I miscarried.  My grief was massive and he didn't even know as he wouldn't contact me.  I still used the ticket and went to see him but he wouldn't see me and at this point I lost it.  His family and his aunty helped me enormously but didn't understand why he wouldn't see me... .until he rocked up to the family barbecue on the anniversary of the day we met with HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND.  I wasn't even aware we'd broken up.

A little time passed, I was in a hole but didn't contact him... and then he contacted me saying that he wasn't with the woman and that he wanted to be with me. That I was his home. My heart was in pieces and its easy to judge myself now and see I had no boundaries but I really didn't and I just wanted the pain to stop so I let him back in.  Things were perfect for a bit, but then one day, after telling me he loved me the night before on a 3 hour phone call, he put a picture up of him and the same woman as his profile pic on Facebook and then blocked me.  I was wild with anger and pain.  Right or wrong I contacted the woman via messaging and told her the full story. I didn't do this to hurt her but to hurt him as he hurt me.  She said she had been with him since August.  I - and she - had NO idea about each other. His lying was pathological. She confirmed his temper, his up/down/splitting etc happened with her also.  She said she had also spoken to his friend about his crazy behaviour.

When this happened he went into a rage with me.  I made him become 'abandoned' as he saw it and with nothing to fall back on he ended up coming back to me.  He flew to me and I let him in my home and be with my kids and I.  He told me he was moving here and wanted to make a life with us. I was so happy after all the ___, and believed him wholeheartedly despite everything - as I was so filled with terror of life without him.  He left, after a really beautiful time together, making solid plans to come back. The next day he sent me a TEXT which literally said "I'm moving to Canada, I'm not ready to settle down".  He blocked me on every single possible thing; phone, Facebook,  whatsapp, instagram - you name it. There was NO discussion, no closure, nothing.  It was one of the cruellest things anyone has ever done to me - but not the cruellest thing HE had ever done to me which is fairly damning.

As it turned out, he'd hooked up with a new girl, whom apparently he'd been chasing for weeks just before he came to me, and has literally had no contact with me since that point. I sent him four emails pleading with him to tell me what happened and then when I found out about the woman I sent a final email telling him I knew, that I wouldn't contact her, and it was time for me to let him go. 

He flew into a rage and accused me of stalking him, did not apologise for his behaviour and told me 'how dare I bring up 'that person'.' By this time I had learnt enough about BPD to know about detachment from shame and guilt (by not saying her name he could distance himself from his guilt and shame for his behaviour) and abandonment-fear induced rage - he was afraid that I would tell her about us and then he would be on his own again which is unacceptable for him - the serial rebounder/overlapper.  That was the only response I had in the last 7 weeks and I am in therapy but absolutely struggling to cope with the grief, and the shame he's triggered in me, and the pain and the complete confusion brought on by someones behaviours that were abnormal.  I put every single bit of my energy into his needs - which was my own fault being codependent - but feel gutted that he has the ability to simply dismiss me as if I meant absolutely nothing at all.  I have never felt before as if there was no more hope in my world but I have with this.  Unless someone has been on the receiving end of this treatment - the sucking in, then pushing away, the rage, the control, the passion, the abandonment of you etc they judge you for being a moron for not walking away sooner.  But I didn't know! And now I do, and I will not make the same mistake ever again.

I guess I am just sharing to vent to those that may understand.  No sympathy required but for me its cathartic to write this, to read others stories and to know that I am not the only one, that other people have been where I am. To know finally that it wasn't me who was doing anything wrong and I wasn't going crazy. In a way he did me a massive favour of cutting ties completely as I was never strong enough to do it.  2016 is recovery time for me. I feel like I could never go back to the old me, that I am forever changed.  I hope that I will see the positives in that one day soon. 

[Keegs17]

I have only just learnt about this disorder, after commencing therapy recently in response to the break up of my relationship with my ex partner.  We met and started seeing each other in August of 2014 and 7 weeks ago he broke up with me. I was older, and my compassion and care-taking behaviours were triggered from the get go when he and his grandmother told me of his childhood, characterised by sexual abuse, neglect (both physical and emotional) and geographical instability. I am a single parent, and when he met me he said that he saw I was a warrior woman taking care of my kids on my own and I felt so valued - I felt 'seen'.  The romance was deep and a whirlwind. 

He talked about his exes very early on, and there were many. We were doing this long-distance, but flying up and down to each other every month.  I thought I'd found 'The One' - that person that understood me more than anyone on this earth. Just before Christmas in 2014 he started a new job and he had an affair with his boss, also an older woman.  He said it was because I hadn't moved to where he was (he had asked me but it was not easy logistically with needing a job and getting my kids there) and he needed someone there.  But he came back and I let him, in January the following year, because I still loved him (or thought I did).

We had the push/pull dynamic, the splitting, the crazy responses to things on his behalf, the constant contact and neediness to know I was available at all times.  He was impulsive and would decide at a moments notice to create a new business or change a job. He controlled the persona he presented to the world and controlled who could see what part of him. He had enormous depressive episodes and one time, after a big argument with his friend over owed money, when he went missing for 24 hours I contacted his best friend, as he'd never not been in contact with me for that long, since I'd met him.  I was so worried.  He found out and went ballistic - told me to never talk to him again and I was dead to him.  He was raging.  I was gobsmacked - I did it out of concern but I realised later his response was from jealousy and fear of me liking his mate - he also used to accuse me of sleeping with his own father whom he didn't trust!

He relied on me to give him advice on everything and do so much for him; he developed his own business but I did his risk management work and resume and grant apps and you name it.  I needed him to need me - my codependency as it turns out.  After completely rejecting me for contacting his mate we ended up resuming contact, after a couple of weeks.  In July of last year I fell pregnant with his child. He had told me it was the one thing he wanted most but was most terrified of. I called him and told him and he completely freaked out.  Blocked me from all contact.  I had already booked to fly to him and thought I could speak to him when I got there... .told myself maybe he was just getting used to the news... and then I miscarried.  My grief was massive and he didn't even know as he wouldn't contact me.  I still used the ticket and went to see him but he wouldn't see me and at this point I lost it.  His family and his aunty helped me enormously but didn't understand why he wouldn't see me... .until he rocked up to the family barbecue on the anniversary of the day we met with HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND.  I wasn't even aware we'd broken up.

A little time passed, I was in a hole but didn't contact him... and then he contacted me saying that he wasn't with the woman and that he wanted to be with me. That I was his home. My heart was in pieces and its easy to judge myself now and see I had no boundaries but I really didn't and I just wanted the pain to stop so I let him back in.  Things were perfect for a bit, but then one day, after telling me he loved me the night before on a 3 hour phone call, he put a picture up of him and the same woman as his profile pic on Facebook and then blocked me.  I was wild with anger and pain.  Right or wrong I contacted the woman via messaging and told her the full story. I didn't do this to hurt her but to hurt him as he hurt me.  She said she had been with him since August.  I - and she - had NO idea about each other. His lying was pathological. She confirmed his temper, his up/down/splitting etc happened with her also.  She said she had also spoken to his friend about his crazy behaviour.

When this happened he went into a rage with me.  I made him become 'abandoned' as he saw it and with nothing to fall back on he ended up coming back to me.  He flew to me and I let him in my home and be with my kids and I.  He told me he was moving here and wanted to make a life with us. I was so happy after all the ___, and believed him wholeheartedly despite everything - as I was so filled with terror of life without him.  He left, after a really beautiful time together, making solid plans to come back. The next day he sent me a TEXT which literally said "I'm moving to Canada, I'm not ready to settle down".  He blocked me on every single possible thing; phone, Facebook,  whatsapp, instagram - you name it. There was NO discussion, no closure, nothing.  It was one of the cruellest things anyone has ever done to me - but not the cruellest thing HE had ever done to me which is fairly damning.

As it turned out, he'd hooked up with a new girl, whom apparently he'd been chasing for weeks just before he came to me, and has literally had no contact with me since that point. I sent him four emails pleading with him to tell me what happened and then when I found out about the woman I sent a final email telling him I knew, that I wouldn't contact her, and it was time for me to let him go. 

He flew into a rage and accused me of stalking him, did not apologise for his behaviour and told me 'how dare I bring up 'that person'.' By this time I had learnt enough about BPD to know about detachment from shame and guilt (by not saying her name he could distance himself from his guilt and shame for his behaviour) and abandonment-fear induced rage - he was afraid that I would tell her about us and then he would be on his own again which is unacceptable for him - the serial rebounder/overlapper.  That was the only response I had in the last 7 weeks and I am in therapy but absolutely struggling to cope with the grief, and the shame he's triggered in me, and the pain and the complete confusion brought on by someones behaviours that were abnormal.  I put every single bit of my energy into his needs - which was my own fault being codependent - but feel gutted that he has the ability to simply dismiss me as if I meant absolutely nothing at all.  I have never felt before as if there was no more hope in my world but I have with this.  Unless someone has been on the receiving end of this treatment - the sucking in, then pushing away, the rage, the control, the passion, the abandonment of you etc they judge you for being a moron for not walking away sooner.  But I didn't know! And now I do, and I will not make the same mistake ever again.

I guess I am just sharing to vent to those that may understand.  No sympathy required but for me its cathartic to write this, to read others stories and to know that I am not the only one, that other people have been where I am. To know finally that it wasn't me who was doing anything wrong and I wasn't going crazy. In a way he did me a massive favour of cutting ties completely as I was never strong enough to do it.  2016 is recovery time for me. I feel like I could never go back to the old me, that I am forever changed.  I hope that I will see the positives in that one day soon. 

[Caley]

Abandon hope all ye who enter here (Dante).

When your hearts desire has been shown to you, through the initial stages of idealisation, the inevitable downward spiral into devaluation and rejection triggers the awful reality that the dream you had of happily ever after has been unceremoniously withdrawn from you. It hurts like hell because at this stage one really is living in a hell.

These creatures know that hope is the last thing one lets go of ... it is their last card. They play it so well ... they know us so well ... and they see it in us even though one might try to deny or hide it.

During one of the last discards and recycles ...   my partner's last words to me was 'You've had enough, haven't you?'

My response was, 'There is always hope, Em!' And with that she set about her campaign to destroy hope. It was only when I found myself saying goodbye to hope ... that I found I was able to let go of the pain of a dream unmanifested. And, then I was able to let go of her too.

Your story sounds very painful ... but there is still light. Hope is still there in you for you. Perhaps, one day ... they will find their own light but until then they will be happy to exist on yours if you continue to let them.

Happy New Year.

[Keegs17]

Caley, I appreciate your response.  I had felt like I was living in hell during and afterwards, and sometimes now.  But after the last email from him I can honestly say I have been able to begin to move away from the relationship and into one with myself.  I have hope. I have loads of healing to do. But I definitely have hope.

Happy new year to you too :-)

[VeraTrue]

I'm new here too... .your story sounds so incredibly painful. There are a lot of stories like this here. I hope reading them helps you feel less alone. When I first found this site my pain started to lift a bit, although it always returns. People who haven't been through this can't really understand, especially about why we non-BPD's made the choices we did when it's so obvious on paper how bad things were. It can't be understood from the outside though. pwBPD are masters at creating a world with it's own rules and realities, and as loving people we think we are working within a paradigm of love. So, we respond in loving ways... .to our detriment unfortunately, because the relationship is actually a paradigm of fear even if the pwBPD really does love us. The love is buried in their fear, and us along with it. At least, that's how it played out for me. Maybe she loved me, maybe she didn't, I'll never know. But even if she did, that's not where she was coming from. So I injured myself greatly trying to honor the love I thought was between us... .while she murdered it in the name of her fears.

[Keegs17]

VeraTrue, thank you for your feedback.  It really does help to know that its NOT us, that we are not crazy, and that we are not alone. Its so hard to feel like they never loved us - when I still feel he did, to the best of his ability.  But its not relevant anymore.  Still hurts and theres so much damage regardless. Everything you said I can completely relate to - that they create their own world and you believe that world! I responded with unconditional love in all that I did and in our interactions as I believed he had issues and thought love could fix all.  What I've realised is that only love for ourselves can fix ourselves and they have to choose to fix themselves and if they don't, no amount of our love can help them.  What a horrible lesson to learn.

[GoingBack2OC]

Abandon hope all ye who enter here (Dante).

When your hearts desire has been shown to you, through the initial stages of idealisation, the inevitable downward spiral into devaluation and rejection triggers the awful reality that the dream you had of happily ever after has been unceremoniously withdrawn from you. It hurts like hell because at this stage one really is living in a hell.

These creatures know that hope is the last thing one lets go of ... it is their last card. They play it so well ... they know us so well ... and they see it in us even though one might try to deny or hide it.

During one of the last discards and recycles ...  my partner's last words to me was 'You've had enough, haven't you?'

My response was, 'There is always hope, Em!' And with that she set about her campaign to destroy hope. It was only when I found myself saying goodbye to hope ... that I found I was able to let go of the pain of a dream unmanifested. And, then I was able to let go of her too.

Your story sounds very painful ... but there is still light. Hope is still there in you for you. Perhaps, one day ... they will find their own light but until then they will be happy to exist on yours if you continue to let them.

Happy New Year.

I'd concur with this. I think the final "moment" that turned it into a rather fast crash and burn- was about 1 month before her final meltdown and discarding me (in a very cold no remorse way); was over the phone she said:   "You're accusing me of lying".  I responded rather calmly:  "Because you're a liar".

CLICK.

She didnt say a word. I think that struck her right to bone. She knows she a liar. She knows she lied about everything. So there can be this moment - like you said: Where the BPD realizes it's not about killing your hope, it's the realization for them that they cannot hide any longer. There is no hope for them to keep the lie going (or whatever the card you call them on is).

She ignored me for days; and after that, it was never nice again. Just bizarre lies; fantasies about why she couldnt see me. Really crazy stuff actually. I mean, she went off the deep end.

In the end (about 4 months worth) I signed up for a service that records all of my calls on my phone. I have a huge library of Voicemails; and Phone Calls. I did this just in case. I listened to some of them recently. Its really amazing to hear the "craziness". How she literally was living in a fantasy world all her own.

But one thing she said really stood out (this was towards the end).  In one of our final fights; she was so frustrated and she said word for word:



She said:  "You're making me insane! You either accuse me of lying when I tell you things, or when I am lying to you you never want to believe me".

Kind of makes me laugh... .I mean, what else can I do.

EDIT:  I've thought about stringing together some of the conversations and VMs. And posting (without names). It's a trip to listen to.