He still has full power over me

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I don't even know hot to explain it. I KNOW there is no future with him, I KNOW there is no way I can get any validation from him, I KNOW denial and running away from his emotional issues is the best thing he can do for himself and me but I am still obviously hoping for a miracle... .

He broke up with me in the end of November (for the fifth time). Never said he stopped loving me, never cheated on me, never abused me BUT it was still bad and painful with all the push/pulls . I decided I wasn't going to run after him this time. I had no strength left anyway. Since then I have been taking decisions and then dropping them, telling him things and considering them my last words to him and then he would say something that I definetely needed to answer back,  then regretting what  I said and going back to correct it... .and the cycle goes on and on. I have days I feel stronger and then I would wake up feeling miserable the next day. I deleted him from all social media and when I start feeling a little more detached  he would send me a text message to tell me how much he misses me, how he can't forgive homself and how he hasn't told me his last words yet and here I go again to ground 0.

I feel like he has full control over my feelings  and whenever I manage to get some of it back he would say something and bring it all upside down. I am not strong enough to let go and I don't see how I am ever going to be strong enough to put this mess behind me. Yesterday I told him you need to understand that you can't keep coming and going into my life. His answer was I am in your life and you are the one who need to get me out.

I can't.  I just can't... .

[Penelope35]

I don't even know hot to explain it. I KNOW there is no future with him, I KNOW there is no way I can get any validation from him, I KNOW denial and running away from his emotional issues is the best thing he can do for himself and me but I am still obviously hoping for a miracle... .

He broke up with me in the end of November (for the fifth time). Never said he stopped loving me, never cheated on me, never abused me BUT it was still bad and painful with all the push/pulls . I decided I wasn't going to run after him this time. I had no strength left anyway. Since then I have been taking decisions and then dropping them, telling him things and considering them my last words to him and then he would say something that I definetely needed to answer back,  then regretting what  I said and going back to correct it... .and the cycle goes on and on. I have days I feel stronger and then I would wake up feeling miserable the next day. I deleted him from all social media and when I start feeling a little more detached  he would send me a text message to tell me how much he misses me, how he can't forgive homself and how he hasn't told me his last words yet and here I go again to ground 0.

I feel like he has full control over my feelings  and whenever I manage to get some of it back he would say something and bring it all upside down. I am not strong enough to let go and I don't see how I am ever going to be strong enough to put this mess behind me. Yesterday I told him you need to understand that you can't keep coming and going into my life. His answer was I am in your life and you are the one who need to get me out.

I can't.  I just can't... .

[bAlex]

Sad story, I've been there too. You need to change the image you hold of him in your mind. Holding on to something that's not real won't help. Trust me. Be honest with yourself about the person before you, it's really not an attractive picture when you get brutally honest with yourself about who he really is... enforce that thought... create that image... not the "ideal" image you're holding on to.

I just remembered something as well... .I once read a long time ago that you can lower the emotional intensity of a thought / memory by deliberately changing the colour of it in your mind.

Some people "see" a memory as a video playing in their mind, some see an image or both, in vivid colours. You can experiment by changing the colour to black and white, light and dark etc and see how it makes you feel... you can scratch the image back and forth, like you would a vinal record and see the image becoming damaged or scratched up. You could play circus music to it, and watch it go further and further away, crush it into a little ball, and slowly watch it disintegrate as it moves further away into the sun. Or watch the person in the image grow a long nose and ears etc... Just examples but you get the point... there are many ways... you can experiment and see how it makes you feel. The point of it as I remember was to get you out of a negative/painful state.

I'm no psychiatrist, and it probably sounds crazy, but I can't believe I forgot how well this worked at times now that I'm writing this.

Best of luck.

[JQ]

Penelope,  

First of all ... . take a deep breath ... .slowly let it out ... .take another deep breath and let it out slowly.  YOU can do this! YOU are stronger then you think you are!  Think positive thoughts.

I know it seems that the mountain in front of you is to tall to conquer ... .but it's not ... .take baby steps!  You have a lot of emotions going on right now ... .and you don't like the way you're feeling ... .and you want it to stop. Only YOU can decide if you truly want it to stop ... .we can't walk this journey for you ... .but the group here can support you in this journey.  If you stumble and you will ... .come back here for a hand up ... .we'll dust you off and then you straighten up, lean forward and take the next baby step forward.

If you haven't or even if you have read the tools to the right and at the top to help you understand BPD a little bit more. Read books and other resources to help you understand why things happen the way they did. It won't make sense ... .BPD is a SERIOUS MENTAL / BEHAVIORAL ILLNESS!  YOU need to learn the 3 C's of BPD. YOU didn't Cause it! YOU can't Control it! YOU can't Cure it! Learn it! Know it! Live it!  

A person with BPD has been ill long before you came into the picture. Nothing you do or say is ever going to change that. The more you read the more you learn that even with professional mental therapy and mental health docs and possibly meds that they will continue to have challenges in life with their behavior.  They PULL you into their world of chaos and drama ... .and when you give them the love you so disparately want to give and they so disparately want to receive they feel "ENGULFED"   and start to PUSH you away. When you finally had enough of the crazy train roller coaster and want to get off they begin to feel abandonment ... .whether it's real or not and start to PULL you back in to the world of chaos and drama.  This is classic Push / Pull behavior of a someone who has BPD.

They are emotionally stunted like that of a 3 year old toddler. If you sit back and think about events that have happened during your BPD relationship you will see what I"m talking about.  If you think about some of the things that they have said or done you will see how it actually see how it mimics behavior of 3 yr old toddler. But they thought it all made sense ... .they don't think logical ... .it's part of the BPD mental illness.

YOU are strong enough to do what you need to do ... .we all felt the same way at one point.  YOU need to go full No Contact (NC).     This means blocking their number on your phone so that you DON"T get the text or the calls. YOU need to lock down your social media and block them from it.  YOU need to take care of yourself ... .

Your BPD relationship probably help you alienated you from your friends or family ... .so the first thing you need to do is reach out to an old friend and catch up.  Call them up and go out for a salad and a glass of water, Italian and a glass of wine, or a really good burger and a beer.  

Go for a mile walk ... .don't tell me you don't have time because even for an old busted up guy like me it'll only take 20 minutes. The walk will help you burn off some extra energy and get all the endorphins in your body that you need. Get up 1/2 an hour before work, put on your sweats you laid out before you went to bed and get the walk in, do this EVERY MORNING!  It'll help you more then you think it will with both the physical and mental stress your under.

Go for a bike ride ... .get out of the house / apt. and enjoy the sun, the breeze, the birds ... .getting out and enjoying nature will help with your mental stress.

Get some sleep ... .it'll go a long way with dealing with the emotional, mental, physical stress, your under right now. Try some melatonin ... .you can find it next to the vitamins in your local grocery store. It'll help you get tired to get the sleep you body and mind need to repair them.

Seek out some professional therapy for help ... .most of us have and in the process you learn more about yourself and that is really a good thing. Then you can move forward and when the time is right, you'll find the mutually respectful, caring and loving relationship that you deserve.  o all these things for 30 days and it'll get easier ... .I learned in the military 30 days makes a habit Penelope. YOU CAN DO THIS!  You need to block his number on your phone so you don't receive his text or calls. You need to block them on social media, FB, etc. deactivate your account at least temporary in order to help you get through the next 30 days.

Come back here as often as you need to when you get frustrated ... .when your stressed ... .when you feel that you need to reach out to him. Someone will be here to reach a hand out to help you get though the tough times. We can't walk this journey for you ... .but we will be there to hold out a hand to help you up when you stumble, dust you off and then you can continue your journey. Post as often as you need to ... .it's somewhat therapeutic and we can share with you what worked or didn't work for us ... .AND will give you all the cyber hugs as you need ... . 

YOU are stronger then you think you are ... .YOU CAN DO IT!  

JQ

[Penelope35]

Thank you both for the encouraging replies. I REALLY appreciate it.

I can't believe what just happened... .We have been together for ten months. He just told me he has two kids... .said he is divorced but I don't know if I believe it. I am in shock... .I don't k ow what's true and what's lie. I don't know with who I was in love with... .this is a nightmare

[JQ]

Penelope,

Whoa !  Slow down !  Take a deep breath and let it out slow ... .  As bad as things seem right now ... .they're going to get better.  BPD will never make sense ... .it will never be logical.  BPDs will do what they need to, say what they need to in order to live the life they need to. Its a SERIOUS MENTAL / BEHAVIORAL ILLNESS!  Don't hope for a miracle ... .count your blessings that it only consumed 10 months of your life ... .if you've read anything about BPD here you have learned that some people date or are married to their BPD s/o for years. 

It's time to start the healing ... .use this as a huge life learning lesson. I would also suggest some professional therapy for yourself to help you understand why he is the way he is and help you understand the entire relationship and quite possibly help you understand yourself better. Besides the other references here on this site, I would suggest a book about BPD relationships and the NONs that they have relationships with. It'll show you how the two are on the opposite ends of the behavioral spectrum and like magnets they attract each other in a very volatile, unhealthy and toxic relationship. And if you don't seek out guidance, help and knowledge the relationship will recycle time after time after time.

I know it's rough, it's tough ... .but you can do this ... .it'll get better.

JQ

[Penelope35]

I just can't process anything.  Everything is so confusing that I can't handle it. I don't know what to believe.  Lying about having kids is sick and having kids but keeping it a secret is also sick.

I want to get out of this mess. I want to restart my brain

[troisette]

Hello Penelope   - sympathy and commiseration. I endorse everything that's already been said here. Courage, you can do it, slowly slowly.

JQ - can you recommend a book on BPD and the nons they attract, and the behavioural spectrum? Thanks.

[Knight]

He just told me he has two kids... .said he is divorced but I don't know if I believe it. I am in shock... .I don't k ow what's true and what's lie. I don't know with who I was in love with... .this is a nightmare

I know the feeling... .  At inappropriate times my ex pwBPD gf would start to share some really really really important details like you mentioned above.  In my case, I only got a small amount of info; just enough to drive more curiosity, but then she would clam up again.  And since there was so much lies, it makes my head spin.  Nightmare is probably a great word for it.  Try to get yourself back.  Try to move on.

[JQ]

Hello Penelope   - sympathy and commiseration. I endorse everything that's already been said here. Courage, you can do it, slowly slowly.

JQ - can you recommend a book on BPD and the nons they attract, and the behavioural spectrum? Thanks.

Penelope, Troisette,

What a good idea ... .Penelope ... .there is a book that helps out a lot of us NONs better understand not only ourselves but why we are attracted to those with the mental illness BPD. It's called, "The Human Magnet Syndrome".

Ross Rosenberg, a seasoned psychotherapist, professional trainer and recovering codependent, calls this compelling and seductive “love force” the Human Magnet Syndrome.

“Chemistry,” or the intuitive knowingness of perfect compatibility, is synonymous with the Human Magnet Syndrome.  This is the attraction force that brings compatibly opposite, but exquisitely matched, lovers together: codependents and narcissists.

This magnetic love connection predictably begins like a fairy-tale, but quickly morphs into a painful “seesaw” of love and hate and hope and disappointment.  The experience of relational perfection is really just a guise for the temporary suspension of pathological loneliness, an excruciatingly painful condition that plagues both codependents and narcissists.  At the end of the day, the codependent’s dreams of a soul mate invariably dissolve into a “cellmate” reality.

The main thesis of this book is that codependents and pathological narcissists are naturally attracted to each other because of their opposite but compatible personality types.  Codependents typically lose themselves in relationships in which they provide the lion’s share of love, respect and care to others while neglecting to obtain the same for themselves.  Conversely, narcissists fall deeply in love with selfless caretakers (codependents) who satisfy their emotional and personal needs with no demands of reciprocity.  As partners, they create a dysfunctionally compatible relationship.  The same magnetic force that brought them together also“ bonds them into a long-term and persistent relationship.

You might be able to find it in your local library to check out ... .if not you certainly can find it online via amazon or other places.  This should be a good start to try and understand everything you're going through. I can emphasize enough how much BPD is a VERY SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS!  I know it doesn't make sense now ... .but read the book, read the references here ... .the video's here ... .and it'll all start to make sense. I know it hurts ... .but it's not anything you did or didn't do and it is MOST CERTAINLY NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CONTROL IT OR CURE IT! 

Take a deep breath ... .relax ... .read ... .learn ... .

JQ

[troisette]

Thank you JQ, I'll be reading it with interest. 

[Penelope35]

I am really sorry for not replying to your posts earlier. Your help and words of eencouragement are of major importance to me and reading your alls replies as well as your posts are what keep me going.

I actually haven't been in a really good state since i last posted here because other than the fact that he has kids, I also  found out he is married. I had to do some digging (which I would have never thought I would ever) and found this out.

It is just very difficult for me to comprehend... .  I don't understand how he did this... .I don't know what to be more sad about... .I still haven't confronted him about it but I want to... .I just don't know if there is really a reason for me to do that... .I am devastated... .sorry for sounding so pathetic

[Mutt]

Hi Penelope35,

I'm sorry to hear that. If you confront him about being married, I think that there's a very good chance it will trigger shame and he'll blame shift. I would advise you to listen to your intuition and not confront him, share your feelings about what you found out here. It helps to talk.

[Squander]

Good grief.  You just found out he is married?  I can't imagine what this has done to you. 

I found a number of things out about my ex after we split up, and I managed to use those things to help me heal.  Instead of ruminating about the good times, think about the bad things he has done to you.  Write these down and keep updating that list as you think of more things.  You will be amazed how much you can remember.  Make sure "HE IS MARRIED!" is number one on the list.  Then go to that list every time you feel weak.  It helps condition your mind to not think of the good times, which is important for healing from this nightmare.

This is my opinion, but I think you have to go NC and stick with it.  I think someone said it earlier, but this means no FB, no pictures, no old texts... .nothing.  For the most part, I managed to go 5 months and I did feel better.  I got to the point where I was grateful for getting out of the relationship relatively unscathed (she filed a restraining order against me that was eventually dismissed). I started to come out of the FOG, and it felt really great.  Then, last week she contacted me and I responded.  I thought I could handle it, and despite everything I have read here and elsewhere on the web, I thought I would get some sort of "closure", or at least an apology.  Boy, was I wrong.  She told me she couldn't stop thinking about me, she loved me, and she didn't think she could live without me.  Just like the literature says, she reengaged because she broke up with my replacement and she needed something from me. She became very indignant when the topic of the restraining order came up.  You will never get an honest apology, so don't ever bother trying.   By the end of the conversation I felt used, lied to, manipulated, and humiliated. I lost months of progress, and she got what she wanted.  Once you go NC, stay that way. 

I am sorry for what happened to you.  Therapy does help, so if you can afford it then I recommend you go. 

Good luck.

[troisette]

You don't sound pathetic Penelope. I couldn't function for about three months after my break up. You'll read lots of posts here about "living hell", "emotionally crippled", "nightmare" of the ending of a relationship with a BPD. It came out of the blue for me, I had no idea that I would be affected so deeply. No idea that I had enmeshed myself so much.

So take heart, you are not pathetic. You are experiencing the extreme emotions involved with BPD.

I've been no contact for four months now. It's my belief that it really is the best way. It does get better, little by little, day by day, you'll probably only see improvements week by week or month by month and you may experience small slidebacks, it's not always linear. But keep on keeping on. You will get there.

Please don't blame yourself for what happened to you, this site is full of us. And please, please don't think he'll ever change... .