Hi patientandclear,
Yes, you are right. It is similar and he is again using some friends as a "shield". We did get back together that time in the end but it was a very strange way to get there. It's actually not as complicated
, this time in that there is no backstory around us even nearly as convoluted as it was then. That situation was also the reason we broke up this time.
Then he was angry that I had left, that is how he perceived it because he told me. And this time I was the one to break it off again. This time he had had two years of therapy, two different Ts though so probably cannot count as that long, but he dealt with the breakup very differently. He tried to get me back, and I remained unsure, which I didn't tell him, because I also couldn't own my feelings I suppose. Now that I have told him, he is, like you said, behaving the same way.
We had a falling out this autumn and weren't in touch for a couple of months. I wrote him about something else and he seemed pretty eager, in his passive aggressive way, to have some form of contact. He responded to my texts at strange hours, like in the middle of the night or early early in the morning. Knowing him I feel pretty sure he did this to see if I would respond, in which case he could conclude I wasn't seeing anybody else. He knows I have been dating. I didn't respond because I was asleep. Then we spoke but when I couldn't just admit to what I wanted to say, something he had waited to hear for 6 months he got irritated, and he said to not call him. After this I asked a friend to tell him. I have no idea how that might have felt for him. Most of the time he doesn't mean it when he says to not call him. He expects for me to understand when. I don't.
Anyway, I suppose what he is doing now is payback, because hearing I still have feelings for him I opened a door for him to hurt me back, the way he probably felt for the six months I wouldn't take him back. So it is the same, but also different.
What got us talking that time was that he had to because he kept coming to my dance classes. He placed himself somewhere where nobody could "accuse" him of actually wanting to talk to me. There is nothing like that now, and he feels more confident being in this environment.
Thank you so much for helping me see the similarities. I suppose at some point he will be looking for a similar safe way of approaching me. Meanwhile I just do not want to have a stress reaction. The risk is that whatever I ask for will be the one thing he will withhold until missing me feels worse than hurting me feels good.
