juliets story

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi. I was in a relationship for a while. He went on holiday,met up with a woman he has met years before. They only knew each other by sight according to him. After a 10 day holiday, he came back, told me about the woman and insisted they were only friends, although she posted other stuff To facebook, saying how she missed him. He said she knew about me and he wished I would have joined him on the holiday, although he never invited me. Well she moved down to our hometown, from where she was before, left her job and came down. Needless to say, I was friendzoned. Before long he would have sexual intercouse with both off us at, but I was suddenly pushed aside, saying he loves me, but he does not like my child. He always seemed to find fault with her, although she was only 6 at the time. His behaviour became more and more a concern over the past few months, as I caught him stalking my house, I ran into them at a local shop and he hid behind a wall, only after I left he sent me a message 'you could have greeted' , yet he was the one hiding behind walls. He posts pictures on social media suggesting that he misses me, he tells me how he has told the other woman that he can never love her the way he loves me, he even brought her to my house the day he hid behind the wall, to tell me infront of Her he loves me. I did not go outside I told him via message to leave.  He says he loves me, yet he spends every waking moment whith the other Woman., he says its because she has no kids and can do anything at the drop of a hat, I unfortuanatly can't, because my child has diabetes I have to plan ahead before we can go on trips or even just go on a roadtrip.  I find this is torturing me, coz I know they sleep together, he actualy described their sexual relations as 'below average', says she clings to him, play mind games, minupulate him, to name but a few. The latest and the most damning event For me was, when he posted a pic of my tatoo to his profile, accoring to him, she said that she could see he misses me constantly, the next day I saw her profile pic was the same pic of my tatoo. I found this utterly disturbing, seeing that this very woman, had black hair and changed it to blond(like mine), my x told me she did this as she wanted to be like me, everytime I see her, she dresses more like me, even same sunglases and jewelery!  I won't say I am not jellous, but it feels like such a struggle, I would think we are working on our relationship, then come the weekend, she ends up at his house and staying the whole weekend. He also says he's single, and yes... .only friends!  Please help me to get over this relationship, as it is killing me from within.

[Juliet]

Hi. I was in a relationship for a while. He went on holiday,met up with a woman he has met years before. They only knew each other by sight according to him. After a 10 day holiday, he came back, told me about the woman and insisted they were only friends, although she posted other stuff To facebook, saying how she missed him. He said she knew about me and he wished I would have joined him on the holiday, although he never invited me. Well she moved down to our hometown, from where she was before, left her job and came down. Needless to say, I was friendzoned. Before long he would have sexual intercouse with both off us at, but I was suddenly pushed aside, saying he loves me, but he does not like my child. He always seemed to find fault with her, although she was only 6 at the time. His behaviour became more and more a concern over the past few months, as I caught him stalking my house, I ran into them at a local shop and he hid behind a wall, only after I left he sent me a message 'you could have greeted' , yet he was the one hiding behind walls. He posts pictures on social media suggesting that he misses me, he tells me how he has told the other woman that he can never love her the way he loves me, he even brought her to my house the day he hid behind the wall, to tell me infront of Her he loves me. I did not go outside I told him via message to leave.  He says he loves me, yet he spends every waking moment whith the other Woman., he says its because she has no kids and can do anything at the drop of a hat, I unfortuanatly can't, because my child has diabetes I have to plan ahead before we can go on trips or even just go on a roadtrip.  I find this is torturing me, coz I know they sleep together, he actualy described their sexual relations as 'below average', says she clings to him, play mind games, minupulate him, to name but a few. The latest and the most damning event For me was, when he posted a pic of my tatoo to his profile, accoring to him, she said that she could see he misses me constantly, the next day I saw her profile pic was the same pic of my tatoo. I found this utterly disturbing, seeing that this very woman, had black hair and changed it to blond(like mine), my x told me she did this as she wanted to be like me, everytime I see her, she dresses more like me, even same sunglases and jewelery!  I won't say I am not jellous, but it feels like such a struggle, I would think we are working on our relationship, then come the weekend, she ends up at his house and staying the whole weekend. He also says he's single, and yes... .only friends!  Please help me to get over this relationship, as it is killing me from within.

[patientandclear]

HI Juliet.  Yuck, right?  Let's take the "best case scenario," that he's telling the truth that he will never love her as he loves you, etc.

He is treating the other woman so horribly, if that's the case.  You too.  But especially, the other woman, whom he's using as what, an insurance policy?

I also wanted to reach out to you because my exbf wBPD, whom I loved so much and still probably/maybe love (but maybe only because I haven't taken seriously and really taken on board after all this time how horribly he treats women, all women, because he conceals more of it from me than your guy in this story does), ended our r/ship and wanted to be friends only initially because of my, yes, 6 year old daughter who had some sensitivities that required extra care from me.  It's been long enough now that the exquisite pain of feeling that my duty to my kid had cost me the great love of my life has faded somewhat, but man.  It was mental torture at the time.  I started to resent her because maybe if she'd behaved better, things could have been OK?  In fact I think my very first post on BPDF 4 years ago was about whether we could still be together if I had not had a kid.  I mean -- was I going to drop her off at a hospital so I could be more eligible for this guy's love and commitment?  Ugh.

He knew I had this child when he asked into my life, he made claims of patience and support for my role as a parent, he claimed he thought she was a great kid.  Only because of that did I let him in as I did.  The rejection of a romantic partner because of the challenges that person faces as a parent is a particularly cruel move I think.  I'm sorry you have had to process that.  I hope you don't let it worm its way into your head as I did.  It's probably not the reason, just a pretext for the deeper BPD-driven dynamic.