agreed 4 weeks ago n/c for 6 weeks but his bday next week what 2 do?

[cherryblossom]

 

We agreed bout 4 weeks ago no contact unless practical stuff / or constructive towards healing and to speak in 6 weeks to discuss the unanswered questions that I feel need answering -he said he would be up for doing that -he is the one who instigated the split and seemed to think that it is for the best as he has too much trouble

This has been stuck to.

I was v upset that he didn't send a simple friendly text over xmas or nye/day -part of me feels that it would have been constructive on his part as would indicate genuine care and some hope towards restoring relationship-however I did not text him also. I feel if he cant even get to a point where he can send me a nice text there's not much hope really-especially apparently he loves me and respects me the most? It cant be real love though can it? -he says loves me, fancies me but doesn't want a relationship with me -that's not real love is it? because real love is"the relationship." Perhaps he was being respectful and sticking to the boundary and not wanting to cause confusion, perhaps he was drunk and didn't even care or think of me. I was in deep pain over the holidays -so glad they are over -even though I had some nice times and went to Athens nye - sick of not being able to enjoy things properly

I feel I am out the other side of desperately wanting to save the relationship-but stuck on this dilemma as want things to go the best they can and am still open to it working but just not so desperate about that now, am more realistic that it will be a long shot that he will develop the motivation to develop discipline of his behaviour and take responsibility to manage BPD . I Don't want to create unnecessary pointless drama -his bday is next Tuesday -don't know whether to send a simple "happy bday" text just to show I am not being a dick and playing games -however part of me feels it is not necessary for me to do so -and actually really doesn't feel like texting him- he has ended things -I should stop giving parts of me away to someone who cannot fully appreciate it and he will not be expecting me to text anyway -if he takes issue with it -I could say I honestly didn't think he would care as we are not in a relationship and he doesn't seem to show any feeling toward me anyway- that is how I genuinely feel atm -this is not me being a dick or playing a game

(am i just trapped in fog and jading by even creating a post on this anyway?)

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[ArleighBurke]

I can't imagine what going through this would feel like. Being apart from someone you love, wanting to make it better, that would be tearing me up.

You can't control him - you can only control you. So you'll have to decide what you can accept and what you can't, and what kind of a person YOU want to be. I wouldn't think about what he feels about getting a txt message - I'd think about you. Are you the kind of person who would send a simple message to him despite everything else? Not because he wants to receive it, not because he'll be annoyed if he doesn't get one, but because YOU want to send it.

Who are you?

If it were me - I'd send one. Simple message, just to show you care, maybe with a "sorry we aren't together" or "thinking of you". Who knows how he'll respond - but it's not about that.

[cherryblossom]

Thank you - who am i? Very good question im shot to pieces and am gradually picking them up. Sad thing is i feel i cant trust myself to know what is best anymore - i feel ive made so many unwise choices in my life - this relationship was obviously an unwise choice but i took a risk went out on a limb -i see the good in people to my own detriment- i scare myself - i feel i have thrown myself in the dustbin, a good friend tonight reminded me i still do have options but i feel

[cherryblossom]

Like im cutting it very fine at 35 to b in this type of scenario lets hope i finally learn and heal the deep wounds inside before i totally destroy myself with my unwise choices - it scares me i suddenly dont know who i am at this age - i always felt proud i was on a journey constantly learning and growing therefore avoiding a midlife crisis but now feel my life is one big crisis. I had a burgeoning stable sense of self when we met and now its gone

[ArleighBurke]

I feel for you. Again, many here are in the same boat.

I'm trying to re-find myself while staying in the relationship. Very hard to do when you are emotionlly abused daily.

Trusting yourself again will indeed be difficult - it may take years. I guess remember there is really no right and wrong - there is what's right for you and that's it. Noone else is in your identical situation, with your identical history, with your identical values. So who are we to judge?

[Brab]

Hi cherryblossom, sorry to hear of your pain and confusion... .

I had a similar situation with my ex over the holidays and I decided to remain nc. The reason being I didn't feel I was prepared for what might... .or might not come back.

You're right, even a simple text is giving of yourself and any gift given with any expectation of anything in return isn't really a gift... .so if you can send something with no concern whatsoever for what does or doesn't come back I'd say by all means do so... .

I'm new to all this and just coming to understand what happened to me... .I've had plenty of break ups in my life... .dumper and dumpee and you kind of take it in stride but I have to say I've never felt anything like this... .it was like getting hit by a bus in the middle of a beautiful garden... .how did that happen?

Sounds like you're looking after yourself and that's not playing games or being a dick... .

[cherryblossom]

I feel like i dont care about that it's his bday at this point now so guess il wait and see what my feelings bring on the actual day its complicated by fact that not last yr but yr before he made suicidal gesture weekend after his bday - cut wrist and took some tablets and called me from hospital - (we did not know it was BPD then - thought it wss an extreme reaction to him coming to terms with ocd)i dont want to feel like im sending a text just because of that.

Oo just got ur other reply - thank u for ur kind words im being a bit of a downer atm i see that and it frustrates me so much as i thought id finally cracked life and relationships when i met him and thought i was strong and independent  - i actually could b a lot worse off - im not totally in the bin but it scares me how close i got - im not scraping from bottom but so wish id focused on my self more - my confidence v low atm

[cherryblossom]

And thanks brab - yes its so weird isnt it i was really flexible about life and love and saw things as adventure and could handle various rejections- but this has floored me - im hypersensitive to rejectio  n now -this board does a lot to help me through - best wishes to you and anyone who reads this. There is comfort in knowing others going through same - but i then I really wouldnt wish this pain on anyone x

[cherryblossom]

Im obviously looking at things from a very negative filter atm i cant trust myself atm because of that i feel

[Brab]

You're welcome...

Yes I wouldn't wish this on anyone either and I don't think anyone can really understand what this is like unless they've been on the sharp end of it. Idealise, devalue discard... .just like that... .no warning no explanation... .just an ice cold text message and my toothbrush and half a stick of deodorant returned in the post with a xmas card saying "I hope we can remain friends"... .what the heck?

I've been hardcore nc since then but ran into her by chance the other night and it was almost as if nothing had happened... .she wouldn't stop talking to me and I had to make an exit only to find her outside the venue waiting. Gave a hug and a kiss, walked off and have remained nc... .it's so difficult but I see no other way right now. I want her back but I'm not sure I know who "she" is right now... .so confusing... .

Very wise friend once told me that when you don't know what to do about something it's usually best to do nothing... .and so I have... .

[1minuteatatime]

And thanks brab - yes its so weird isnt it i was really flexible about life and love and saw things as adventure and could handle various rejections- but this has floored me - im hypersensitive to rejectio  n now -this board does a lot to help me through - best wishes to you and anyone who reads this. There is comfort in knowing others going through same - but i then I really wouldnt wish this pain on anyone x

I personally would stick with the whole 6 weeks.  Proves you can wait.  You can send a belated b-day text later

[cherryblossom]

update lovelies... .

so the bday is today -I didn't send a text -my reasoning being he ended things with me so why would he want a text from me? -This surely equates to him not wanting communication or anything from me. Plus I've turned a corner and he no longer has power/spell over me. I'm not sure I should be on this board now. I'm not sure about meeting him as planned. I think when I was feeling desperate it gave me hope -but now I really think it may do more harm than good for both. I think I've come to acceptance it is over now and don't see point in rehashing it all now. I would think about it though -it could potentially be therapeutic if we could talk openly honestly without any hidden agendas other than to make peace.

The only way I'd consider get back with him is if he took responsibility for managing his mh-and this would have to be shown by actions not words, turning his back on problem drinking, getting into psychotherapy for commitment issues, having a crisis and recovery plan etc... .all of which I don't think he will or can do at this time -I am ok with him being emotionally unstable if he takes steps to manage it and does not behave abusively to self and others and uses mh as an excuse for this.

My best friend really stuck her neck out the other day to say she would be very concerned me getting back with him -she found it difficult to see me so upset -she liked him at first as did everyone in my life but she disliked the way he governed the emotional landscape and soured the mood on various occasions towards the end. I know we have to make our own choices but this is my friend of 25 years I think you have got to take on board what close people say.

Got a call from him 5.30pm whilst I was driving -he left a vm -but it was just background noise in a pub (hoping not to get any abusive texts/phone calls later -I will not answer phone)

I sent a text saying "-hi sorry I was in traffic. I assume you tried ringing because it is your bday. I deliberated hard whether to send you a message and decided it was probably the right choice to send nothing as you have ended relations with me." No response as yet

I think I will wait and see if he contacts me at the end of the 6 weeks and if suggests meeting -I don't think we can be friends as I really do not think he has behaved appropriately-we are not compatible -I want to create he wants to destroy -I face my pain -he avoids it

BPD or not people either choose to discipline self, take responsibility for change/progress/growth or they don't -The road less travelled -amazing book -getting me over the hump

[1minuteatatime]

update lovelies... .

so the bday is today -I didn't send a text -my reasoning being he ended things with me so why would he want a text from me? -This surely equates to him not wanting communication or anything from me. Plus I've turned a corner and he no longer has power/spell over me. I'm not sure I should be on this board now. I'm not sure about meeting him as planned. I think when I was feeling desperate it gave me hope -but now I really think it may do more harm than good for both. I think I've come to acceptance it is over now and don't see point in rehashing it all now. I would think about it though -it could potentially be therapeutic if we could talk openly honestly without any hidden agendas other than to make peace.

The only way I'd consider get back with him is if he took responsibility for managing his mh-and this would have to be shown by actions not words, turning his back on problem drinking, getting into psychotherapy for commitment issues, having a crisis and recovery plan etc... .all of which I don't think he will or can do at this time -I am ok with him being emotionally unstable if he takes steps to manage it and does not behave abusively to self and others and uses mh as an excuse for this.

My best friend really stuck her neck out the other day to say she would be very concerned me getting back with him -she found it difficult to see me so upset -she liked him at first as did everyone in my life but she disliked the way he governed the emotional landscape and soured the mood on various occasions towards the end. I know we have to make our own choices but this is my friend of 25 years I think you have got to take on board what close people say.

Got a call from him 5.30pm whilst I was driving -he left a vm -but it was just background noise in a pub (hoping not to get any abusive texts/phone calls later -I will not answer phone)

I sent a text saying "-hi sorry I was in traffic. I assume you tried ringing because it is your bday. I deliberated hard whether to send you a message and decided it was probably the right choice to send nothing as you have ended relations with me." No response as yet

I think I will wait and see if he contacts me at the end of the 6 weeks and if suggests meeting -I don't think we can be friends as I really do not think he has behaved appropriately-we are not compatible -I want to create he wants to destroy -I face my pain -he avoids it

BPD or not people either choose to discipline self, take responsibility for change/progress/growth or they don't -The road less travelled -amazing book -getting me over the hump

He will likely use the "butt dial" excuse.  It's ok, though.  You don't need to respond if he says that he "accidentally" dialed you.  You can just not respond.  I did accidentally dial my ex two or three times.  I hung up immediately after I pressed the wrong button.  She didn't answer and it didn't go to VM.  That was before my last NC(Day 8 right now)

[cherryblossom]

Hi one min, i also thought that he could prob give that xcuse but perhaps he didnt mean to ring - mayb he had my contact open as was checking to see if iv messaged him! I know its his bday but so boring and predictable that in the pub -dull dull dull - obviously not having any lightbulb moments. Hope ur journey thru this is going ok, will read ur progress etc - he has not tried to ring or text bak so far

[1minuteatatime]

Hi one min, i also thought that he could prob give that xcuse but perhaps he didnt mean to ring - mayb he had my contact open as was checking to see if iv messaged him! I know its his bday but so boring and predictable that in the pub -dull dull dull - obviously not having any lightbulb moments. Hope ur journey thru this is going ok, will read ur progress etc - he has not tried to ring or text bak so far

I had her contact open when I dialed accidentally all three times.  Stupid me.  I texted her later and she asked me if that is what I wanted to say.  I just said "yes" instead of admitting that I had her contact open.  If he had it open, that is a good sign. I think it is a good sign, irrespective.

By the way, I told her NC for 30 days and her Birthday was smack in the middle.  She initiated the breakup, I didn't feel a bit of guilt or overthink it.  She decided to not have me in her life.  She said that she has spent some birthdays alone.  I didn't worry about it.  I definitely thought about her, though.  She turned 38.

My journey is fine.  Always good to be on the "right side" of the dirt.  As long as it lasts!

I just keep wondering if she will come back to me.  We made at least 30 great memories over 10 months.