New to this site struggling to maintain with a possible BPD wife

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

When I read about the symptoms of BPD and especially how it is experienced on my end it was like I wrote it to describe the situation.  It appears to be a classic case.  I know I have my own issues that contribute to our dysfunction, no doubt.  But I consider myself pretty self aware adaptable and eager to grow heal and change.  We have been married for over 5 Years.  I have two sons 12 and 13 who live with us full time.  She is a step mother.  Over the Years her resentment and jealousy of my relationship with the boys and a disregard for their needs and feelings has left me feeling that I need to end our relationship for their sake, but also my own.

However I accept people having flaws and want to give her plenty of room to heal.  We saw a marriage counselor for over a Year.  She was a good one.  But when the issues really got revealed and the assignments got tough my wife decided the counselor was stupid and she would not see her anymore accusing her of plotting to split us up.  I had to leverage separation to get her to see the first counselor at all after Years of attempting to encourage her to do it.  Since then I again had to advise her if she would not seek professional help I would be forced to leave her for good.  Slowly she found a new counselor who I have seen with her twice now.  this guy is rather vague and generic in his approach.  He also has a very limited schedule which allows us only one or two visits a month.  Last time we went my wife tried to claim things were going very well and how surprised she was that I had issues with her even saying it was the first she had heard of it.  this of course is totally ridiculous as we have discussed my concerns with her many times.  This new counselor seems only interested in focusing on basic communication skills rather than attempting to identify any underlying issues.  Te wife has become quite good at using a smokescreen to confuse the counselor from perceiving things as I see them by for example turning around and accusing me of every issue I bring up about her.  Her perception of reality at least as she expresses it to me seems to be deteriorating further and further into an unimaginably inaccurate skewed and filtered version drawing a picture that only seems to validate her accusations and innocence in all conflicts she most often initiates.

Ultimately she won't leave even though I have asked her to.  She threatens to make the divorce difficult.  I already have a lawyer but frankly I am afraid to let go and walk away.  When she is kind and loving it softens my hurt.  I forgive and forget too easily.  When I talk to my boys about issues that arise with her verbal assaults and accusations toward them they have both clarified that they are ready for her to be gone and not interested in entertaining yet another "chance to see some improvement"  they say they have heard it too many times and don't think anything will change.  These boys do great in school don't get in trouble and are praise often by those who meet them.  She sees them as very difficult and is not shy about expressing it to me and them.  Sadly there was a time when they would have openly and fully loved and accepted her but in my opinion through her hurtful actions and isolation and disregard for their value it has caused them to loose hop or trust in ever having a meaningful relationship with her.

I will read the references on this site to try and cope in the mean time but really for me I am stuck at do I pull the plug or go on for Years more with this heartache conflict and anger.  I know my boys will only be home for so long and I feel I have given up way to much quality time with them already attempting to appease her constant demand for attention and validation.within seconds of hitting post she barged in the room snatched the mouse and demanded to see what I was doing.  then wanted to argue with me over the contents of my post and mock me for "crying" online posting about her.  She left now I fear she will go confront the kids. Wish me luck.

Ironically this demand to see my post seems to have caused in her a willingness to let go and move on peacefully. I have my doubts it will end up this way. As for me in just writing it and reading my own words i am ready to let go and move on. It is sad to write someone off because of the byproducts of the hurt and neglect they experienced before you knew them. It seems contrary to compassion. I wonder how a buddhist monk would contend with an amorous longing and attractive BPD suitor.

[Milkman]

When I read about the symptoms of BPD and especially how it is experienced on my end it was like I wrote it to describe the situation.  It appears to be a classic case.  I know I have my own issues that contribute to our dysfunction, no doubt.  But I consider myself pretty self aware adaptable and eager to grow heal and change.  We have been married for over 5 Years.  I have two sons 12 and 13 who live with us full time.  She is a step mother.  Over the Years her resentment and jealousy of my relationship with the boys and a disregard for their needs and feelings has left me feeling that I need to end our relationship for their sake, but also my own.

However I accept people having flaws and want to give her plenty of room to heal.  We saw a marriage counselor for over a Year.  She was a good one.  But when the issues really got revealed and the assignments got tough my wife decided the counselor was stupid and she would not see her anymore accusing her of plotting to split us up.  I had to leverage separation to get her to see the first counselor at all after Years of attempting to encourage her to do it.  Since then I again had to advise her if she would not seek professional help I would be forced to leave her for good.  Slowly she found a new counselor who I have seen with her twice now.  this guy is rather vague and generic in his approach.  He also has a very limited schedule which allows us only one or two visits a month.  Last time we went my wife tried to claim things were going very well and how surprised she was that I had issues with her even saying it was the first she had heard of it.  this of course is totally ridiculous as we have discussed my concerns with her many times.  This new counselor seems only interested in focusing on basic communication skills rather than attempting to identify any underlying issues.  Te wife has become quite good at using a smokescreen to confuse the counselor from perceiving things as I see them by for example turning around and accusing me of every issue I bring up about her.  Her perception of reality at least as she expresses it to me seems to be deteriorating further and further into an unimaginably inaccurate skewed and filtered version drawing a picture that only seems to validate her accusations and innocence in all conflicts she most often initiates.

Ultimately she won't leave even though I have asked her to.  She threatens to make the divorce difficult.  I already have a lawyer but frankly I am afraid to let go and walk away.  When she is kind and loving it softens my hurt.  I forgive and forget too easily.  When I talk to my boys about issues that arise with her verbal assaults and accusations toward them they have both clarified that they are ready for her to be gone and not interested in entertaining yet another "chance to see some improvement"  they say they have heard it too many times and don't think anything will change.  These boys do great in school don't get in trouble and are praise often by those who meet them.  She sees them as very difficult and is not shy about expressing it to me and them.  Sadly there was a time when they would have openly and fully loved and accepted her but in my opinion through her hurtful actions and isolation and disregard for their value it has caused them to loose hop or trust in ever having a meaningful relationship with her.

I will read the references on this site to try and cope in the mean time but really for me I am stuck at do I pull the plug or go on for Years more with this heartache conflict and anger.  I know my boys will only be home for so long and I feel I have given up way to much quality time with them already attempting to appease her constant demand for attention and validation.within seconds of hitting post she barged in the room snatched the mouse and demanded to see what I was doing.  then wanted to argue with me over the contents of my post and mock me for "crying" online posting about her.  She left now I fear she will go confront the kids. Wish me luck.

Ironically this demand to see my post seems to have caused in her a willingness to let go and move on peacefully. I have my doubts it will end up this way. As for me in just writing it and reading my own words i am ready to let go and move on. It is sad to write someone off because of the byproducts of the hurt and neglect they experienced before you knew them. It seems contrary to compassion. I wonder how a buddhist monk would contend with an amorous longing and attractive BPD suitor.

[Milkman]

within seconds of hitting post she barged in the room snatched the mouse and demanded to see what I was doing.  then wanted to argue with me over the contents of my post and mock me for "crying" online posting about her.  She left now I fear she will go confront the kids. Wish me luck.

[Milkman]

 Ironically this demand to see my post seems to have caused in her a willingness to let go and move on peacefully. I have my doubts it will end up this way. As for me in just writing it and reading my own words i am ready to let go and move on. It is sad to write someone off because of the byproducts of the hurt and neglect they experienced before you knew them. It seems contrary to compassion. I wonder how a buddhist monk would contend with an amorous longing and attractive BPD suitor.

[Skip]

Ironically this demand to see my post seems to have caused in her a willingness to let go and move on peacefully. I have my doubts it will end up this way. As for me in just writing it and reading my own words i am ready to let go and move on.

How are you feeling today?

[Milkman]

Got her out of the house.  It has been three weeks.  best decision I have made in a long time.  Some people just don't want to heal.  No reason to make the rest of us miserable.