Help, is this borderline?

[lala42]

Hi, everyone! I hope you can help me! I´m sorry for the long post!

About 4 months ago I met a guy who I liked. We seemed to have a lot in common (both are musicians, etc.). On the first day that we met he told me that he lives with his girlfriend who is not his girlfriend anymore and he is looking for a new flat. From that I understood that he is also interested in me and is telling me in this was that he is available.

After that he was texting me every day, later on we were seeing each other almost every day and spent a lot of time together. He was telling me everything, we were holding hands and hugging, but he was never making a move, even after a month. I started feeling frustrated for being somewhere in between, so I confronted him about it. He said that the break up with his ex was very fresh and that he is not ready for another relationship and that I should give him time. I was like ok. But, he kept with the same behaviour, holding hands, etc. After while, I told him that he can´t play with me like this, he should make up his mind if he wants us to date or JUST be friends. He then gave in and we started dating.

After that things started getting worse, he would pick fights with me (he would call it "discussions" and the freqency of fights just kept increasing. He was justifying it by him not being ready and he placed the blame on me saying how I "forced him into the relationship". I told him that it´s a stupid sentence, because if he wasn´t ready he could have told me that and not try to get closer to me, etc. He then said "Yeah, that would have been rational, but I wanted you!" It feels like he has no emapthy or insight.

He was critical and would undermine me. He was not supportive at all. I even noticed envy.

More info about him: His mother left him when he was 10. His mother also had some kind of disorder. He is close to his father and that part of the family, but his father went back to his home country when he was about 18. That made him very depressed and because of that he didn´t finish his education. Ever since then he is doing random jobs just to get some money. He has no career. He told me he couldn´t work for a while because of a disorder he has, but didn´t want to tell me which disorder.

Weird things I noticed about him: can´t control emotions and anger. Easily irritated. Passive. Very sensitive. Once we were in the movies and we watched a black comedy (about nazism). He was so depressed because of that movie that he didn´t say a word the whole evening. I mean, usually people forget about the movie after 10 minutes and move on.

Recently, I went to another country to visit my family for Christmas. I was away for maybe a week and a half. Before that we had a fight and he wasn´t messaging me for a few days. He was posting "depressive" statuses on FB, such as "Everything has a beginning and ending, bla, bla" So I thought we broke up. And honestly it was a relief because I wanted to break up too. I know I should have talked to him, but I had to  leave and didn´t have the time.

But, after about a week he started texting me again, as if everything was normal. Then he wrote me one day that he is depressed and named some trivial reason, and then he said that if I were there he would feel better because he would have "stability" (?). I got really pissed again at him and sort of "rejected" him by saying "go do some sports and go hang out with friends". But, after that I started feeling guilty and it started to burden me. I rememberd he mentioned a couple of times he has some kind of disorder diagnosed but didn´t want to say what. So I started researching a lot and from what I read and from what I observed on him, I think he might have borderline.

Ever since than, he has been messaging me sporadically on FB and I have no idea where we are at, which is driving me insane again. He never wants to adresses the issue.

So, I wanted to ask you from what I wrote, do you think this might be borderline? If yes, could you please explain his  behaviour? I read that this disorder was not dangerous, but then again, on some blog posts and commetns by other people, I read they are extremely dangerous, malicious and manipulative? Is that true?

Thank you!

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[lala42]

And how can I move this thread to "Questions about BPD"? Thanks!

[EaglesJuju]

Hi lala42,

You have come to the right place for help. Ambivalent behavior can be absolutely frustrating and hurtful. I am sorry that you are going through this.   

Emotional instability is something that is attributed to BPD. People with BPD (pwBPD) have a hard time controlling or regulating emotions. The inability to regulate emotions can be demonstrated by rapid mood/emotional swings. Primarily, pwBPD struggle with controlling negative emotions, such as anger, sadness, jealousy, etc. Emotions for a pwBPD are incredibly intense and experienced at a greater strength than most people. In this regard, the reaction to intense emotions influence behaviors. In order to cope with the intense emotions, pwBPD engage in maladaptive coping mechanisms in order to assuage or regulate their emotions.  Projection is a very common maladaptive coping mechanism, where the pwBPD will project or dump their negative emotions on you. Many times it is blaming you for something that they did. 

For someone who has a very hard time controlling or regulating emotions, at times being understanding or supportive of their partner is really hard. Sometimes when this happens, a pwBPD can "over regulate" or over control his or her emotions. It is akin to numbing themselves. When that happens, it can appear like a pwBPD has no empathy. PwBPD tend to "feel" too much and this is a way for them to cope.

Depressive episodes are very common for pwBPD. It goes hand in hand with a negative perception of self, which is linked to being raised in an invalidating environment and experiencing abandonment.  A negative self-perception can be a cycle of depression and self-loathing, followed by impulsive and self-destructive behavior.  For this reason, criticism or perceived criticism is usually is not received well. For a pwBPD things are not "trivial," especially emotions. Learning how to validate a pwBPD is a must for a partner.

PwBPD are very impulsive and react. Planning is really not in their vocabulary, which makes sense considering they live life based off emotions. Typically malicious behavior is planned.  There is a tendency to generalize all pwBPD as the same. Similar to non disordered people, pwBPD have a range of characteristics and traits. I would not pigeon hole all pwBPD as manipulative, malicious, and dangerous. Non disordered people can have those traits and behave that way as well. 

Learning about BPD behavior really helps with understanding why your pwBPD is behaving in a certain way. It makes things less confusing.  Also, there are  tools the non disordered partner can use to make communication more effective. The lessons on the right side of the page can help you get started.

What types of things has he been discussing via Facebook messages?

[lala42]

He was talking about his bad attitudes about himself and how he is scared he won´t "succeed at something" because he has no family where he lives and noone to hold his back. At that point I didn´t know he has borderline and I found it weird for a 40 year old man (he is 12 years older than me) to act this way. I mean, many men his age don´t have any family at all and have a a really responsible job plus children. He has no children and he works at a post office. Now he is going back to school to finish his education (which I applaud). I just found it overreacting and childish that he is totally depressed because of that.

I´m worried because about 6 years ago I used to date a guy who turned out to have an ASPD. And after I read all the bad things about Borderline, I got really scared and I´m not sure if I should trust him and if he is just consciously manipulating me the whole time (cause I read BPDs can also be manipulative)? I really do notice similar behaviour as my ex had, such as, what I think is attention seeking for example through "depressive" Facebook posts and provoking.

[lala42]

And thanks for the welcome

[lemon flower]

PwBPD are very impulsive and react. Planning is really not in their vocabulary, which makes sense considering they live life based off emotions. Typically malicious behavior is planned.  There is a tendency to generalize all pwBPD as the same. Similar to non disordered people, pwBPD have a range of characteristics and traits. I would not pigeon hole all pwBPD as manipulative, malicious, and dangerous. Non disordered people can have those traits and behave that way as well. 

I agree here, acting manipulative at times is not exclusively a borderline trait, just one of the "survival" strategies they might use when things get tough.

But usually they will regret those kind of actions later and feel guilty.

reading that "male borderline" article you added, I could not help feeling a little uncomfortable, to me some parts are really harsch and not nuancated.

calling "all bordelines" narcissist is really unrespectable, and to me there is, again, a big difference between acting in a narcissist way ,and BEING a narcissist, which is a specific PD

a pwBPD is usually thinking and acting rather self-centered because of  poor empathic capacities but also because they have a hard job just being them, if you'd feel so overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions so often, you'd also have trouble to focus on the needs of other people... .