Delusional projection

[GreenEyedMonster]

Lately I have developed a fascination with the defense mechanism called delusional projection.  It is defined as "frank delusions about external reality, usually of a persecutory nature."  A Harvard website adds that it removes guilt and anxiety.  It is one of the most pathological defense mechanisms.  If you look it up, there are books and websites that develop this idea a little more.

It is my opinion that delusional projection is the reason that I am sitting at home this evening and not out with my friends.  My ex is having dinner with them tonight.  When I saw that he was going, I decided it was in my best interest to stay home.  This is not because I want him back or can't resist contact with him.  It is because my ex has a persistent delusion that I am stalking him.

This delusion developed in the immediate wake of our breakup, when he began to deal with the consequences of having abandoned me.  The majority of sources I found say that this delusion protects a person from guilt, so in my case, my ex would have developed a delusion that I am a psycho stalker to protect himself from the guilt of having harmed me so deeply.  If I am a really bad person, in other words, he can justify to himself what he did.

At first when he began his accusations against me, I thought it was some kind of cruel joke, and that he actually knew that I wasn't stalking him.  I no longer believe this to be the case.  He actually believes that I am, and has threatened me with a PPO twice.  He listed his "evidence" against me, which was ridiculous, because there is no evidence at all.  It was truly the ramblings of a mad man!  Very upsetting to read.  There is a very obvious break with reality.

He did the same thing with his previous ex.  He abandoned her and her children very abruptly after she threatened to terminate the relationship.  He would ramble on and on about how she was stalking him, was planning on killing him, wanted to keep him prisoner, and all sorts of really disturbing things.  Telling me these things seems to assuage his very deep guilt about what he did to her family.  If someone is that evil, he reasoned, you can justify doing pretty much anything to her, and if the kids are collateral damage, well, so be it.  

This is a really scary thing to see in action, and I know that at least one other person on the board has experienced the same thing I have.  Has anyone else encountered this defense mechanism?  If so, how did you deal with it?  I am no longer interested in a relationship with my ex, but since we share a small group of mutual friends, this problem is likely to be part of my life for a long time to come.

[Itstopsnow]

The only drama my ex told me about dealing with his ex that he loved so much. He said she cheated on him. And then was crying hiding in his bushes and would follow him to his car crying and he would just drive off and leave her. But I'm thinking that may have been what he did. He was likely the cheater . He was always calling me psycho at the end, or that I was insane . Needing a straight jacket. He was so crazy with the random

[GreenEyedMonster]

The best description of it I found online was in a book called Lies!  Lies!  Lies!:  The Psychology of Deceit by Charles V. Ford.  The example Ford gives in his book is about a husband being unfaithful to his wife, then developing a delusion that his wife was cheating.  So yes, very similar to what you describe.

The point here is that it isn't just mean-spiritedness or regular projection.  These people are so distressed by their guilt that their brain warps reality to give them relief.

My ex could reflect on how his actions probably hurt his would-be stepsons in the previous relationship, but he would always mitigate it by explaining that he had no choice, in light of the fact that their mother was going to murder him!  I am not sure to what degree he believed this by the time we were in a relationship. 

I have seen him twice since the breakup.  The first time he was not delusional and seemed downright embarrassed of how he had behaved when he was.  The next time he saw me and instantly became delusional again.  It seems totally random to me.

Judging by his online behavior -- which consists of letting me know where he is frequently -- he isn't delusional at this current moment.  But if the wind blows a different direction, who knows!

[UserName69]

The only drama my ex told me about dealing with his ex that he loved so much. He said she cheated on him. And then was crying hiding in his bushes and would follow him to his car crying and he would just drive off and leave her. But I'm thinking that may have been what he did. He was likely the cheater . He was always calling me psycho at the end, or that I was insane . Needing a straight jacket. He was so crazy with the random

My exBPD was a true liar however she was very bad at it. The first couple days she claimed that her exBF was ignoring her, not caring about her, cheating on her. The irony is that this is her behavior, once she met me she couldn't figure out how she could discard him.

- She accused me of being a cheater while later she did admit that she did cheat on me.

- She said that I'm a pwBPD while she was the one who was the pwBPD.

- She said that I was stalking her while she was the one who was bombing my phone with anonymous phone calls in the early mornings.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I am convinced that pwBPD are at their worst with us when they hate themselves the most.

I genuinely believe that my ex believes his alternative reality, and that it's not by choice, most of the time.  I wonder how much this is true for all pwBPD, like your examples about cheating.

[thisworld]

I think you did the best thing by not going anywhere around him GEM.  You seem to be the "external factor" causing this and probably something is needed to release his tension. That thing may be accidental, too. However, I think trying to read what is behind this delusion may not be totally productive. He obviously fears you but there may be so many particulars, so many little things in his personal history that you may not know. Maybe he associates you with someone else or some other, rather irrelevant thing. I wonder how this delusion interacts with other aspects of his personality.

[Itstopsnow]

Green eye monster, I think you're right! I think they are the worst to us when they are self hating the most! They take their self hate out on us bc they can't handle hating themselves that much. And having to deal with why they hate themselves. It happens throughout the relationship but I noticed it the most at the end. When he was dating his second gf , he was being mean more, for no reason , always so angry and full of rage! Just being around him seemed to set him off! It was like I was the reminder of all his lies, cheating and betrayals. They are selfish and lousy people! Abusing us in two ways for both their horrible actions! First cheating and lying and treating us horribly to alleviate their anger and rage.