I finally called it off with my ex. I’m hurting, but there are moments when I can see glimpses of a better future and I'm holding on to those for dear life. Tiny glimpses because I’m pretty much rock bottom. I’m very isolated. But there has to be a better life for me out there so although I’m scared I want to try.
My problem now is I still haven’t cut the ties. I’m still reading and responding to his texts. Not all of them, for example he sent me a dozen bizarre texts last night. Letters to various people I know telling them what pieces of s... t they are. He doesn’t believe it was my decision to end things and thinks others have influenced me. I ignored the messages as I suspect he was drunk. This morning he asked me not to send the letters as he woke to realise they weren’t good.
The trouble is I allowed the discussion to continue and got pulled back into drama which has ended with me distraught again. He lured me in by asking about my son who has a minor health problem. It quickly switched to ‘his’ current health problems (there’s always several) and me not being there to help him.
Cut a long story short it went on and on with him trying to guilt me for not being there, e.g. he was all by himself, shivering, in pain, couldn’t sleep, felt so lonely, etc. I empathised with his problems, but asked him to try to reflect on why I hadn’t been there. That he couldn’t expect people to stay around if he treats them badly and that his needs cannot continue to come before my own. I also said that I don’t feel guilty for not being there, but I did feel sad.
He ignored all of this, but said I am a selfish person who doesn't give a s... t about him. Feeling frustrated and giving up I replied that maybe it was because he didn’t give a s—t about me, and asked him why was he still talking to me if he felt this way? His response “these are only sms. Just used to it I guess”.
This doesn't sound bad, but it made me feel terrible and I feel like crying. It feels dismissive, like he’s playing with my emotions as he always does. Draws me in, drops me on my head. I think he enjoys this. I need to figure out why I’m still playing his game. It's so hard to let go. Has anyone else been here?
Yes, I have been and am currently 'here' with you. After a year of ups and downs with my ex, J, I left after being left in limbo for a couple of months, reassured she wanted to work and stay committed to our r/s, and then finding out she had been on a couple of dates with a guy, I ended the r/s. I didn't want to, but I had to. That was a hardline boundary for me and left me with no choice. She is diagnosed, medicated, and (allegedly) going to DBT (started in mid-sept).
We were silent for a couple of weeks starting Jan 1. Jan 13, I ran into her at a coffee shop I frequent. We started talking and that led to us talking for this past week. Superficial at first and then it got personal. J, like yours, has been very invalidating and insensitive toward me. She would ask me how I was feeling and when I (honestly) answered, she would ST me. She has said that she "felt better even though she didn't want to because of what she had done to me over the past year but couldn't dwell on it" and "why didn't I trust you enough to be honest with you?" and "why do I always run people off? I ran M (her ex husband) and you off. Why?" and "I'm sorry, I just don't feel like you do" and so on. Its all been confusing for me. Some moments I see the loving J I 'knew", other moments I see a total BPD that I've never seen before. She even went as far as saying she felt like 'sometimes' she felt that I was using her this entire year, even though the opposite is true (in fact, she was using me).
So why did I start talking to her again at the coffee shop? Because I miss her. I wanted to talk to her again. All it served to do was make me hurt more. She told me how much she missed me. How much she missed us. She asked about me. She also told me she had been on a couple of dates with someone. She had recommended that I read a book about a guy who dumped his gf (the love of his life, as he claimed) after he left therapy because it was all bs, went on a year long - next level porn sex orgy fest, only to discover he was still empty inside, retreated and found his Zen, reconnected with his ex, and married her after he decided that monogamy was the true path to sexual freedom, and she left a dozen roses on her desk in a prominent location where I would see them after hours when I had to return to work for a conference call. All of which was done, in my opinion to, in some way to hurt me because I had hurt her for leaving.
My point is, that all this isn't about us. Everything in their lives revolves around
them. Could I have tucked away a lot of stuff with J? Sure. But what kind of life is walking on eggshells? What kind of life is looking over your shoulder all the time and wondering who else is in the the shadows? But more importantly, why do we want to be with them, even after they do this vile and inhumane stuff to us? Why do we feel like its our duty, our responsibility to see them get better, at the cost of ourselves? Thats how I felt with J, anyway. I spent countless hours reassuring her, talking to her, offering guidance when she asked for it... .all sowing the seeds (I thought, anyway) for our success. Now, someone else has the
potential to reap that reward. Will they be successful? In the moment of me writing this, I hope not. Not because I'm being a d-bag, but because I put in all the work for them. They should have to earn it, just like I thought I was doing. But, alas. I am a bit angry right now, so please forgive me.
Being abused, dismissed, and discarded by our exes hurts. And for whatever reason, (myself included) a lot of us would probably go back to our exes and try again with the hope it would be different this time. Truth is, it wouldn't be.
Be kind to yourself, you've been battered by the waves for a long time. Do something good for yourself and your kids this weekend and leave the ex be. You'll be better off in the long run. There will be setbacks, yes, but stay the course. I offer this advice to your as well as to myself. Once again, be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
