Does no contact speak volumes to people with BPD?

[Fr4nz]

So, today I was thinking about this... .

We know that NC is, in many cases, established in the first instance as a tool to get them back or to make them understand how much they hurted us and to hurt them back; subsequently, when we shift the focus towards ourselves, we realize that keeping NC is paramount to heal, have a better picture of what happened/who are them and understand our role in the relationship (i.e., what are our own issues and what were our mistakes).

So, given this assumption, I was asking myself what represents being subject to NC to a person with BPD in the long run (assuming that they left us). If we won't spoke to them anymore, will they understand, perhaps years from now on, that they did something very wrong to us? And, perhaps, indirectly push them to reflect on themselves and their issues? In other words, does NC really speaks volumes to them?

Is there any empirical evidence, or study, on the effect of NC on BPDs?

[Newton]

Woah! Fr4nz... .that is totally not my understanding of what this place taught about 'no contact'... .

It is a tool to give US some breathing space from cyclical drama by engaging with a dysfunctional person/toxic relationship... .

Distancing ourselves from someone with a plan (silence) in mind to cause them to behave a certain way is manipulative... .and imo abusive.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Fr4nz-

Think attachments with borderlines.  Stopping communicating with someone and disappearing from their lives completely is total abandonment, the worst thing that can happen to a borderline.  Now whether that has a profound effect that causes someone to become more self-aware depends on the person, and if it's happened a lot they may have developed very strong tools to deal with it in their own way.

And although it's natural to reflect on the impact disappearing from someone's life has on them, not communicating is a tool we use for us, to stop ongoing emotional enmeshment so we can detach and heal, a critical part of taking our power back.  Are you focusing more on yourself or your ex right now?

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

It may mean little to them if they are distracted by your replacement.  After the honeymoon period with replacement wanes they may want contact with you for triangulation. Your refusal to play ball may anger them. As for NC encouraging them to reflect on deeper issues - I really doubt this as a result although there may be some exceptions.

[Skip]

Think how our members react to NC and ghosting - they hate the person who shuts them down. Of course, what does it mean to go NC on someone that has walked away. Very little.

I understand the confusion here as "No Contact Rule" stuff is all over the internet - get your girlfriend back with no contact. This, unfortunately, is a concept with 100 definitions and a lot of smoke and mirrors.

I don't like the term, personally.

On the Saving Board we use the term "giving someone space" when they are asking for it.

On the Leaving Board we have the term "do not resuscitate" which means let go of a relationship the other person has let go of.

[Fr4nz]

Woah! Fr4nz... .that is totally not my understanding of what this place taught about 'no contact'... .

It is a tool to give US some breathing space from cyclical drama by engaging with a dysfunctional person/toxic relationship... .

In fact this is what I wrote in the first period

Distancing ourselves from someone with a plan (silence) in mind to cause them to behave a certain way is manipulative... .and imo abusive.

You got me wrong; in fact, I was just guessing if NC from people that cared about them (and who established NC to heal and focus on themselves) can, somehow, make them understand, perhaps in some distant future, that there's something wrong with them and "drive" them towards understanding their dysfunctional behaviours. I don't want a revenge (anywa, I'm at almost 1 year NC), it's just curiosity.

[Fr4nz]

Think how our members react to NC and ghosting - they hate the person who shuts them down. Of course, what does it mean to go NC on someone that has walked away. Very little.

Hey Skip,

just to clarify to the other members also: I'm not using NC to have a "revenge"; on the countrary, I hope she will get better with her life in the future. Also, in my case I was left and NC (almost 1 year) was established basically from both sides, so the second scenario you mentioned applies.

Perhaps my question was not so clear... .indeed, what I really wanted to ask is if in the future, perhaps when she will ruin her n-th relationship, she will think about her past partners who maintained NC and will guess why such people didn't want to talk with/contact her anymore and perhaps start asking herself if there's something wrong with her. I repeat: I'm not using NC as a revenge tool! It's just curiosity.

I made huge progress in my life and I'm in a very stable situation. Yes, I still think about her, but nowadays it's more like a curiosity

[Skip]

Think how our members react to NC and ghosting - they hate the person who shuts them down. Of course, what does it mean to go NC on someone that has walked away. Very little.

This was my thought on it.

Our members become more resentful of NC and ghosting than self-aware.

I don't think it is lost on anyone when multiple relationships fail... .at some point.

Skip

PS: No need to apologize, I understood your question and good intentions. 

[Fr4nz]

Think how our members react to NC and ghosting - they hate the person who shuts them down. Of course, what does it mean to go NC on someone that has walked away. Very little.

This was my thought on it.

Our members become more resentful of NC and ghosting than self-aware.

I don't think it is lost on anyone when multiple relationships fail... .at some point.

Skip

PS: No need to apologize, I understood your question and good intentions. 

I see, thanks for your insight

[klacey3]

It is logical to think that someone who has been ignored/recieved no contact would start to reflect about the reason for this. Sadly, PD individuals don't want to reflect and analyse themselves because they don't want to feel the emotions that come with is so it is avoided. Most likely they will try not to think about/feel it and distract themselves with a new rebound.

[Newton]

Fr4nz ... .I appreciate your clarification.  "No Contact" was a phrase banded around here (and other places) a lot back in the day.  It tended to be associated with phrases like 'run away... .don't look back'... .etc

I appreciate the sentiments of these posts and the protective intention behind them... .experiencing the fallout from a relationship with someone with BPD can be life threatening... .literally.  This sort of advice doesn't tell the whole story though... .

At times... ., when, I was at my lowest, it was important... .essential... .that my survival instinct kicked in and prevented me from even opening up the latest contact message from my ex.  I knew it would be a rant... .or... .I hoped it would be her 'awakening'... .every moment I lived depended on how she felt (even though months of separation had gone by).

When significant time had passed it was important for my recovery to look at how she was attempting to 'reach out'... .by reading those messages I saw that they mimicked those other members were recieving... .I knew it was her symptoms talking.  "No contact" would not have allowed this realisation for me.

As others have alluded to... .someone with this condition who has walked away has often painted us black and taken a schizoid choice... .or has found another partner rather quickly... .it isn't about us.  

Deciding not to communicate with someone who has repeatedly illustrated poor behaviour towards us is a healthy choice    

[Fr4nz]

Thanks for your insights Newton

[shatra]

from heel wrote---

Think attachments with borderlines.  Stopping communicating with someone and disappearing from their lives completely is total abandonment, the worst thing that can happen to a borderline.

-----Yes, that is the worst thing that can happen to them... .yet it is what they often turn around and do to the partner-----stop the relationship and disappear. It's as if they do to us what was done to them by people in the past, and what they fear we will do to them

[Newton]

Agreed shatra... .this is the dichotomy of the borderline experience... .causing what they fear most in order to avoid it! 

[fromheeltoheal]

from heel wrote---

Think attachments with borderlines.  Stopping communicating with someone and disappearing from their lives completely is total abandonment, the worst thing that can happen to a borderline.

-----Yes, that is the worst thing that can happen to them... .yet it is what they often turn around and do to the partner-----stop the relationship and disappear. It's as if they do to us what was done to them by people in the past, and what they fear we will do to them

Yes, fear of abandonment is ever-present with borderlines, although abandoning someone may not be the goal as a preemptive strike, it may be to pursue another attachment because the current attachment is already seen as abandoning, for reasons that may or may not have anything to do with the reality of the situation.  Or it could be fear of engulfment, a borderline's fear of losing themselves, so they go into push mode, push the perceived engulfer away.  And all of it could be just impulsive behavior, a response to emotions a borderline can't soothe and doesn't know where they came from and what they mean.  It's tempting to assign malicious intent to a borderline's behavior, and sometimes it is, and sometimes it's someone flailing against feelings they can't deal with any other way, someone with a mental illness trying to survive best they can.

[letmeout]

Interesting but not surprising was that my going NC did not make my ex reflect or admit to anything that he had done.

According to our children, he took it as meaning that I was guilty of all the things he had accused me of that were not true. (things that he actually did, and then projected onto me).

I don't think NC causes a BPD to reflect on their own issues because many are simply are not capable of it.

However, going NC saved me from continuing to be in his crazy-land, and that was the best thing for me. 

[Welgrow]

Hey Guys,

My experience from my daughter's mom (diagnosed pwBPD) is that she is incapable of making any permanent changes on her own. We have had to get multiple protective orders issued against her, and she is unable to abide by such boundaries. I did receive a letter from her after she was incarcerated a year ago. In that letter she seemed to be remorseful, admitted just about every crime she committed against my daughter and I, and yet it seemed that she still had alterior motives. She wanted a response from me. Any response she could get. Her behavior since that letter of amends has reverted back to vague threats through her PO and stalking type behaviors. No contact with her was a choice for personal safety and safety for my daughter. If she does reflect on her behavior it seems to be readily replaced with ideas about how she can harm me or at least get me to tweak.