InfernO,
I understand that my codependency and trauma bond with my ex has roots in my childhood abandonment and trauma. I wanted to give myself an opportunity to rely on my loved ones (I hate having to rely on anyone).
This is really familiar to me. When my life blew up, I moved back to my hometown. I too have a hard time asking for support, but I was so beat down. It felt amazing to let go and find that there were arms to catch me. An old friend, someone who I really hadn't been in touch with much for years, invited me to live with her. I was a hot mess. Every night for a month I sat on her sofa blubbering with a TV tray in front of me saying, "I'm sorry! You must be so sick of this!" and then making her go over every minute detail of the breakup with me. I also leaned heavily on my brother and his wife. I hadn't put together the BPD part, so I was pestering them constantly with the puzzle pieces that just wouldn't fit.
It was like I'd lost 8 layers of skin. I was just so raw that I had to drop all my usual tough-girl act and accept their support. It was a relief, and it made me feel so much better just to know that I HAD this these family members, and this old friend who was so generous with me, because my self-esteem was in the toilet at that point. But I can't say it didn't also feel a little shameful. And it wasn't just them. I suddenly found myself unburdening myself to many old friends, who had never seen me in a state like this and were quite alarmed.
After a few months, I felt the strain, and that I had to start pulling back on my emotional reliance. One thing I did was to say so to the people who had given me so much support. Of course they assured me that it wasn't necessary, but there was kind of an unspoken acknowledgement that the hand-holding would be tapering off by mutual agreement. I still felt the loss of the triage-level support, but I think it was better to kind of ease off rather than going cold turkey.
One positive outcome of all this is that I feel much closer to some of my friends. But I was very worried about pushing it too far. I don't think I did... .
Does that help?
So, advice: tell the people you trust, who have been supporting you, that you understand how you might be wearing them out. Tell them you intend to taper off. Don't expect them to understand the BPD stuff. Just let them know that you understand the limits of what they can give, and that you'll try to ease off relying on their support. Then it will feel less like being dropped off at the bus depot with a ticket and a cardboard suitcase.
And of course you should if at all possible transition to getting that extra support from a counsellor, a group, or some other structured arrangement.
Another thing I wanted to say, since you mentioned childhood abandonment and trauma: those were big deals for me, too--both of them. In particular, I have a very fraught relationship with my mother. I mentioned elsewhere that she is not really there for me emotionally and never has been, and she did abandon me at one point. I followed her to another country when I was 10, and then I gave up on living with her a few years later. Well, when I was going through all this, she wasn't just not supportive. She was kind of awful--said some really undermining things, became extra critical of me. It opened my eyes to see how she reacted the one time since the age of 12 that I reached out for her. I will never forget sitting in my sister's bedroom crying a few weeks after being dumped, with my sister and s-i-l hugging me and soothing me, and looking up and seeing my mother standing in the corner just totally frozen and at a loss for what to do. I had to face up to the fact that she was the very last person I should have gone to for support. That was a bitter pill. BUT it also made it crystal clear how my FOO problems were contributing to my misery. I could not help but put those things together. And for that I thank her.
But man, good luck to you. My heart goes out to you and everyone.
Sorry for going on like this, but I just can really relate to your situation.
