I went from NC to LC since 1/3/2016. As of this past Saturday, it is strictly NC. He is such a classic textbook case of high functioning BPD (emotional dysregulation disorder) and I wish I had known about this disorder so many years ago! After lots of good info here, my therapist's guidance, and EMDR, I am strong enough to move on.
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdfThis last texting contact from Saturday (I did not do it perfectly and arguably should not have at all), really put it in a tangible way, regarding what I was dealing with. This is the most twisted and illogical written interaction that I have had with him (very close to his verbal interactions). I will keep this in a safe place for a very long time, lest I forget. I will be able to see the knots he is in and will never get myself involved with him or anyone else exhibiting these behaviors. *This is how I learn.
This started out with him shooting a text the night before that I ignored, saying that I am "full of it" and that I "don't like" him anyway. Like a dope, I sent one back around 10am the next day.
Me: I don't feel that way. I don't like your destructive behavior. Enjoy your weekend. Xox
It got to be where you didn't show any of those other feelings. You have a nice weekend to
And did you have to wait until you left someone else's place to tell me... .
Nice response time in that one.
You don't need to contact me anymore.
And here's why... .because you point out my issues every time you do. I don't need that to get healthy.
Me: I did show and feel good things. The month after Thanksgiving were the best. Up until I saw that you still crave other women's attention
(referring to a text I saw the night of 1/3/2016). I fell asleep last night. [My son] left last night to go back to college. I am enjoying my M8 streaming box. I am not a whore. I love myself. I need to be the only woman that my partner seeks sexual gratification from.
You were. I know you were.
Me: No. I was not. And never can be.
My feelings have changed for you. I cannot keep putting time into your needs and feelings. I have to work on me and people who support me and that's not you. Now that I am out I can see that clearly now And I see that even in the fact that you're sitting there last night once again enjoying something I helped bring into your life and what am I doing... .,,,helping myself by spending more if that live and effort on myself.
Me: I bet you have 'people' supporting you. I have no needs where you are concerned. I never did. I wanted you as the man you presented yourself as. Not the man with 3 - 5 sex partners on the side, some who have stalked me. I have no illusions you are working on anything. You think there is nothing wrong about your behavior. I am going to continue to examine myself in therapy. I am grateful for your being in my life and showing me that I have more work to do. My feelings have changed also but I still have love for the man buried underneath the pain that you have carried for years. The [starting a hobby/business together] was such a wonderful fantasy and I will hold on to how wonderful it felt to imagine having a partner in a situation like that. PS... .I am grateful every day for the good things you brought into my life. We all are. I hope you can feel the same for me someday.
I am spending today with [some dude friends] watching the ball game and I spent last weekend with [some dude friend] watching the ball game too.
See I can't help you control your negative thoughts that you associate with me. Your default is that I am a piece of [poo]. Those sexual partners that I had were prior to you, but you hang on to fears of the past like they are a reality of today. I once again can't stop you from those negative thoughts.
What I can do is evaluate how you make me feel and respond accordingly. Shame on me if I surround myself with people that continue to treat me poorly.
I still wish you the best and feel sorry for what I have put you through.
I just know that I am not going to become healthy in a relationship with you because you are not supportive and don not accept me.
Me: I am happy you are bonding with men. [BPDexBF]. I was hurt by [names of 4 females]. They were in our relationship because you invited them. You can paint me however you want, get a woman/Jane hating club together... .whatever. We both know the history because of the choices you made. I never badmouth you but I will not share my Lover with his past lovers. That is why I let you go. I won't accept that any longer. I will not support that behavior and hope it will change, any longer. I have a right to expect safety in a relationship. A good partner/husband provides that.
I encourage you to continue to surround yourself with healthy males in strong relationships. See what they do differently than what you have done. I am doing that with my female friends.
I am sorry you need to manufacture and twist normal and healthy things to
justify the very things you were just trying to deny you did.
You have handled your whole life this way. I want to stay in Kansas, away from your flying monkeys in Oz. Going on 53, it makes me sad that you have yet addressed your true problems. Blame me... .until the next one. The pattern will go on, until you stop it. I love some sane part in there and will always hope that becomes stronger than the dysfunction for you.
I will stay away because I do care about you and know I wasn't good for you I and u still care enough to stay away for your benefit.
But don't think for a minute I am sitting here wondering what I could have done and need to correct. It's done... .,.i am away from you and your bad behavior and I can focus on being Positive, secure, and working on being a better person in a living environment.
Me: I am looking at it.
My friendships were not part of it.
I hate smoking cigs. I had no coping skills after a certain amount of your tantrums and the other lovers you kept around. That is on me. I own it. I was not that when I met you and I don't blame you. I did not know what to do. I should have ended it but I was so codependent on the relationship. I thought I could 'fix' things. I am working on that for my future.
That tells me you will never be better,,,glad I'm out.
Me: I never thought you reflected on anything to do with us. You would have protected me from them if you had. I am better. Getting more every day. I am glad you are glad.
Bi sexuality were sins as defined by my good childhood. You welcome sinners in the front door and actually [curse word] coddle them... .yeah that's healthy!
^^This was due to my having gay male friendships of 10 -20 years.^^ He was sure they all were waiting to have sex with me... .Me: You have (all kinds) unprotected sex with numerous women. I think something happened to you that twisted your view on your own sexuality. I am sorry.
You were the only one. It's ok. You just keep going on the way that you do.
Good bye Jane.
Me: Ok [BPDexBF]. I know better. We talked about it. I hope nothing but peace for you. Xoxo
Wallow in that House of Sin. Keep you make friends wives insecure. After all it's all about you. Nothing's bad until you determine it is. You write the rules.
Keep evolving in that world... .I'm sure that will provide fertile ground for a living secure relationship.
Me: Maybe you should not covet another man's wife in the future? That could really make him insecure. Or having sex with your ex-wife's barely legal family member, that could make that whole family insecure... .I am going to be fine. Thanks for the love and compassion today. Xoxox
Keep on keeping on. You always have haven't you. This morning I have a light bulb moment. That zen moment I was talking about. Thank YOU for letting me share it.
Have a nice life
Me: Better each time. Thank you. You were really my favorite. Although the bar was very low, it still feels good. I am able to feel love so deeply. I never knew. I hope you can calm down and enjoy the weekend. Xoxox
He is now sending emails copied to his kids about space exploration stories; knowing that is my hobby, like none of this happened. I ignore them.After all of this, I have felt a peace and certainty like never before. I remember ME before I met him. I have to really thank EMDR therapy.
Thanks for reading,
JS
