How do I set a boundary when I never set one before (long)

[divina]

I wrote a few weeks ago and nothing has changed.  The brief on that, is that the man that I have been seeing for six months (but on and off for three years, with a friendship spanning on and off of over 20), reminded me on Christmas that we weren't in a relationship.

We had been getting very close and I think I missed signs of him feeling engulfed. One day he woke me in the middle of the night, kind of manic saying to me, "We've been seeing each other for three years. It's always, you, you, you and no one else."  Because of his fear of engulfment, because he is hypersexual, and his self-awareness that every relationship he has been in, ends in disaster, he is weary of committing in a relationship.  As far as the hypersexual part, he just can't remain faithful to one person and he would burn that one person out (unless they too are hypersexual) if he did.

Anyway, I have done a lot of soul searching for the past few weeks. I've been on a terrible roller coaster suffering C-PTSD, in part because he has hurt me like this before, badly enough that we didn't speak for 8 months, and we both believed that we would never speak to each other ever again. For his part, he has had this happen so many times that it doesn't phase him. For the rest of us nons, we don't expunge people from our lives lightly. Also, I have my own abandonment issues that are somewhat severe. They are so bad that I thought perhaps I could be a person with BPD, but I don't have the other traits.

Anyway, he went off to collaborate with his work. He is a painter. He met this woman at Art Basel and since he returned a few weeks ago, he started distancing himself from me.  I felt it but he excused it as having more work to do than ever. And since I was busy during the Christmas season, and the times we spent together were so intensely intimate, I didn't really read much into it.

Anyway, he said that he cares deeply for me, doesn't want to lose our closeness and nothing has changed between us. He also said, "I realize it's confusing. It feels like we are in a relationship. But we're not. That's not what I want. I'm only devoted to my work."  But we left things on great terms, and because "nothing has changed" I thought nothing of it, even as he embarked a plane to Florida.  

It was only when he started ignoring my usual messages that I started to scratch my head and say, "who flies out of town on New Years Eve."  You gotta understand, he's manic about work so it didn't really phase me much until I realized that he would be collaborating with others, and normal people don't work on New Years Eve or day.  

My suspicions were confirmed a few days later after a woman hit like to a post I wrote on his wall weeks ago, and I looked her up. There I saw Facebook activity that indicated an escalating friendship. He only obsessively hits like to people's posts if he's involved with them. A few days later, she posted photos of the completed work; her photos that she took with his paint over the photos. It was remarkable work. Truly beautiful.

I realized, I wasn't jealous that he was banging her. I was jealous that he cut off communication from me.  There is a little more to this story. She lives in Florida. His apartment in NYC is without heat. (Due his desire to buy art supplies over replacing his heating unit.) It also has bad windows. He got pneumonia last year and almost died as a result of this insanity. (Which I had been complaining about for years.)  He told me back in October that he planned to spend the majority of the winter in Florida or North Carolina. He has family in those places so I didn't think about it. So anyway, here is this woman. He can pretty much get the pants off of almost any woman who is single.  He's incredibly skilled at this.  She lives in Florida, has a place, loves his art.  He has convinced her that he is in love. He may even believe it.  But I know his long history and his history indicates a man who is very opportunistic. He woos women that have resources that he needs.  Last year, it was a woman who was an art afficianado who had a cool apartment in a prime Manhattan location. He used her apartment so he can give a solo show in it. The day the show was over, he literally dropped her. (Somehow they are friends again.)

Anyway, I am one of these women. But I never really had much to offer other than love and nurturing.  Somehow, I endured because I allowed him to recycle me a few times.

The previous recycle, before that 8 month break, I allowed him to breach pretty much all my boundaries. I basically did not protest to anything he did, no matter how awful it was.  I smiled and took it for the team.  In the end, things ended in a disaster with me cursing him out and screaming at him that he is a wicked narcissist.  (While he has a LOT of narcissistic qualities, my therapist believed his is borderline)

This time around, he did mind his Ps and Qs with many things. Had he behaved anywhere close to the final ending the last time, we would not have gotten back involved and stay involved. But this is the first time he has shunned me since we got back together where he is repeating his pattern cutting off all communication. (With one exception; when I commented on his art. He said thank you because other people can see if he's being rude and not answering.)

Anyway, I'm assuming I won't hear from him at all until he is back in NY. He doesn't want Florida girl to know there was a significant other in NY (my guess) which is why he went from hot and cold in literally the time it took to fly there. As far as she is concerned, I think she believes they will be together for a lifetime. Comments she has made about their work together, she used the words, weeks, months, years, lifetime. So I think there is some future faking there. (I've been there with him before.)

I decided to do nothing. I have not sent frantic messages begging him to contact me. I haven't sent any messages after I first realized he was giving me the ST.

My birthday is next week.  Now I know he always makes a point to wish Happy birthday to people on Facebook, even to people he does not know AT ALL.  I'm not sure if he will wish me one there and / or on my phone. I would be very unhappy if ignored communicating with me for my birthday, even if he wished it on Facebook. But it would be worse if he did both.

I'm resigned to just wait for him to contact me once he returns. (He's supposed to have a show here in March.) But he may have taken my silence to mean he's been abandoned and not even try. I feel like if I do anything that is an effort toward pulling him toward me, he will take it as a message that it is OK to give me more of the same poor treatment.  And given our checkered past, it is critical that he not only understands that boundaries are coming up, (unlike before) and I have every intention on following through with the consequences, which would be ending our relationship. (both romantic and platonic)

So my plan is to wait for him to call me, be cool, ask him about his work. Wait till second contact. Then tell him that he is loved and I don't want to lose our relationship, but am prepared to walk away if he ever does this to me again. Also, I don't think I want to sleep with him anymore. But that was kind of on the table before he left anyway. He knows that I want more than he's been giving me, even when things were good.  I almost think his behavior was a preemptive dumping me because he believed that once I found out about Florida girl, I would dump him.

Any thoughts?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[unicorn2014]

I read your whole post. I am guessing that emotional and sexual monogamy is not a requirement for you to be in a relationship. Is this correct?

[divina]

I read your whole post. I am guessing that emotional and sexual monogamy is not a requirement for you to be in a relationship. Is this correct?

It seems that in an effort to hide sexual infidelity from me (which he doesn't seem to hide well enough), he ends up withdrawing from me emotionally.  Since I have already recognized these proclivities in him, and others, such as the hypersexuality which is just too much for me, I do not wish to engage in a sexual relationship with him.  In fact, when we made up, from our original 8 month blow-out, I tried very hard NOT to get romantically involved with him again. But he charmed me in again, holding emotional closeness as a carrot in front of me in exchange for sex.

So no I do not require sexual fidelity. But I do require emotional fidelity. That is the point of trying to retroactively set boundaries. I'm looking for advice on how to set this boundary since I'm actively receiving the silent treatment. The boundary is, no silent treatment ever again and remain emotionally connected no matter what. (Obviously to be implemented after we start talking again.)

[unicorn2014]

Because I do require sexual fidelity I do not know how to advise you in this area so let's wait to see if someone with values more similar to your own responds and what they have to say.

[divina]

Because I do require sexual fidelity I do not know how to advise you in this area so let's wait to see if someone with values more similar to your own responds and what they have to say.

It's not that I did not value sexual fidelity.  It's that I have had to adjust to love him the way he needs to be loved.  And to be honest, he has a sexual side that it overwhelming for me.  We're talking about the expectation of having a quality and quantity of sex that most men would be happy to have in a week, but only within a few hours.  After spending time with him, I have to go home and sleep because of my level of exhaustion.  I'd rather not have all of that pressure on me because I think, his ravenous appetite would cause me physical injury if I didn't say no. (That often doesn't stop him from messing with me when I'm sleeping and he pouts when I say, "I hurt. No more." He has scars on his own body from NOT stopping when the body was telling him that he needs to stop. So if he wants to get off with someone else, and it's not physically hurting me, that's great.  

But, emotional fidelity, and maintaining that connection is important.

[unicorn2014]

Divina, my first husband was a sex addict and when I married him I did not know that. I became his supply and the only way out was divorce. He didn't cheat on me but his sense of entitlement was totally degrading and humiliating to me. When I severed ties I did not go back. For me, my boundary was divorce and it was irreversible. I'm a very monogamous person when it comes to intimacy and for me any form of cheating would be a deal breaker (sexual, emotional, intellectual).

Have you read the article on boundaries? Boundaries aren't really about ultimatums, they are about values. Can you define your values and which ones you are violating with your behavior? I've learned from this website that my boundaries are for me, not the other person, they define what I will and won't accept from the other person.

[divina]

Have you read the article on boundaries? Boundaries aren't really about ultimatums, they are about values. Can you define your values and which ones you are violating with your behavior? I've learned from this website that my boundaries are for me, not the other person, they define what I will and won't accept from the other person.

The ST violates my boundaries which is why I have made no effort to reach out.  Unfortunately, it's hard to set a boundary when you haven't previously set one, and it's hard for him to know that I have set it if we're not actually communicating.  I don't want this to be simply over.

[unicorn2014]

Divina, my understanding is boundaries are for you, to protect you. From my understanding he does not need to know that you have set a boundary. Based on the boundaries article the kind of language you are using sound likes an ultimatum. It is also possible that your relationship may not be able to survive you standing up for yourself. I'm right there in the trenches with you, going through a very hard time in my relationship myself.

My SO gave me the ST this morning and I was not at all prepared for it.

Perhaps you and I could work on dealing with this together.

[divina]

Divina, my understanding is boundaries are for you, to protect you.

I completely understand that. I will not tolerate the Silent Treatment ever again.  But unfortunately, I don't know if he simply doesn't care that I haven't reached out, or if he thinks I don't care anymore.  I do care, very much. I simply don't want him to think the Silent Treatment is acceptable. I'm waiting for him to un-silent treat me and come to me on his terms.  If I do ANYTHING different, it sends a message that I'm not really serious about this. I did leave a window open by commenting on his artwork on Facebook and he did respond to it.

From my understanding he does not need to know that you have set a boundary.

Based on the boundaries article the kind of language you are using sound likes an ultimatum.

All boundaries are ultimatums.  "I want to be treated this way. If I'm not treated in the way I need to be treated, there will be consequences. "

It is also possible that your relationship may not be able to survive you standing up for yourself. I'm right there in the trenches with you, going through a very hard time in my relationship myself.

My SO gave me the ST this morning and I was not at all prepared for it.

It's been 26 days for me. (We don't live together and he's been traveling.)

Perhaps you and I could work on dealing with this together.

Sure.

[unicorn2014]

All boundaries are ultimatums.  "I want to be treated this way. If I'm not treated in the way I need to be treated, there will be consequences. "

The Idea of "Setting Boundaries" is Misleading

The terminology of "setting boundaries" is misleading and often mistaken to mean "giving an ultimatum." It is true that issuing ultimatums can be part of this life skill and at times, very necessary, however it's only one aspect of this life skill.

When we speak of the boundaries we are really speaking about our personal values and our need to get them in focus and live with more conviction. This is a lifestyle, not a quick fix to an interpersonal squabble.

This is an important point that is often overlooked.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Have you had a chance to read this article?

It's been 26 days for me. (We don't live together and he's been traveling.)

My SO and I have been in a LDR for 3.75 years.

I think your approach is correct, not to break the silence.

I did that today and I regretted it.

My SO does not often give me the ST so when he does I'm totally at a loss.

[livednlearned]

Hi divina,

I'm sorry your partner is giving you the ST at the moment. Do you think he is compartmentalizing his relationships with you and the woman in Florida? Since he has been free to come and go, could he simply be exercising that benefit at the moment? Like you mentioned, he may not know how you feel about emotional fidelity and/or silent treatment. This could be new to him.

How do you feel about talking to him about what you want/need? Or more specifically, how do you imagine introducing the boundary?

[divina]

The terminology of "setting boundaries" is misleading and often mistaken to mean "giving an ultimatum." It is true that issuing ultimatums can be part of this life skill and at times, very necessary, however it's only one aspect of this life skill.

When we speak of the boundaries we are really speaking about our personal values and our need to get them in focus and live with more conviction. This is a lifestyle, not a quick fix to an interpersonal squabble.

I completely understand what boundaries are.  To argue that there are no consquences when one sets a boundary is to argue semantics.  There will always be consequences.  The author is simpy pointing out that our actions (and consquences) have to be emotionally congruent with our belief system because then, and only then, it will be easier to act upon.  If you are clear about what it is you want and need for yourself and from another, it's very hard to back peddle on decisions.  Ergo, "you treat me poorly, and I'm not going to be there to stick around." Is perfectly logical, it is a real boundary, and it is a conesquence.

Have you had a chance to read this article?

Yes, and I've probably read EVERY article on the internet on this topic.

I think your approach is correct, not to break the silence.

He wished me happy birthday on my Facebook wall today, just when I resolved to myself that he was going to let my birthday pass without saying anything.  And of course, I am pretty unsatisfied with that because it resolves nothing between us, while still devalues me. (A personal touch like a real message would have been nice.) I responded with "Thank you" as I have responded to everyone else.  His action makes things more confusing where if he would have simply continued to ignore me, it would have been perfectly clear.  He doesn't hit like to anything I post on Facebook now which is even more confusing.  It takes work to ignore a post that flying on top of your feed, so it is beyond indifference.

I did that today and I regretted it.

Tomorrow is another day.

My SO does not often give me the ST so when he does I'm totally at a loss.

And you have to put yourself into a pretzel trying to figure out why.  I so want to send a message and say, "WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME?"  But I KNOW how he is. He will not answer me so it's best not to fuel this drama.

My boundary is to not feed any negative communication. So if he's going to ignore me, then I'm not going to give him negative feedback, that is, anything that makes it pleasurable for him to do this again.  I don't know how long it will take. Probably as long as it takes for his supply to wear out. His current supply... .she's a doozy. It may take awhile.  Only when he's ready to talk will I be able to communicate, credibly that this is my boundary and say, "you do this again, and I won't be there."  It will be his first warning when in the past, my actions communicated that I was ok with it. [I'm not][/quote]

[Isa_lala]

Divina, my understanding is boundaries are for you, to protect you.

I completely understand that. I will not tolerate the Silent Treatment ever again.  But unfortunately, I don't know if he simply doesn't care that I haven't reached out, or if he thinks I don't care anymore.  I do care, very much. I simply don't want him to think the Silent Treatment is acceptable. I'm waiting for him to un-silent treat me and come to me on his terms.  If I do ANYTHING different, it sends a message that I'm not really serious about this. I did leave a window open by commenting on his artwork on Facebook and he did respond to it.

From my understanding he does not need to know that you have set a boundary.

Based on the boundaries article the kind of language you are using sound likes an ultimatum.

All boundaries are ultimatums.  "I want to be treated this way. If I'm not treated in the way I need to be treated, there will be consequences. "

It is also possible that your relationship may not be able to survive you standing up for yourself. I'm right there in the trenches with you, going through a very hard time in my relationship myself.

My SO gave me the ST this morning and I was not at all prepared for it.

It's been 26 days for me. (We don't live together and he's been traveling.)

Perhaps you and I could work on dealing with this together.

Sure.

No, boundaries are not ultimatums.

Boundaries is what you are able to accept or not. When you know  which behaviours you cannot accept from your BF, you have to decide what to do in case the behaviour happens again. Do you leave him for a little while? Do you break up? It is up to YOU

It is absolutely different from giving limits to a child. When a child goes over the limits, there is a consequence. Here, it is not to punish nor give consequence. It is a matter of setting your limits for yourself. Because, you don't have any power on your BF.

I know it may be difficult to totally integrate it. It took me I think at least a year to fully understand that the boundaries I needed to set were not limit that I would give my BF.

Do you see the difference ?

[livednlearned]

He breached all of your boundaries, and that has to hurt a lot.

He also thought there were no boundaries, so this will be news to him. For you, it's been building up and becoming more painful. Emotionally, you're not in the same place, not now. This sentiment/phrase seems like it will drive a bigger wedge, not bring him in closer:

"you do this again, and I won't be there." 

It's a threat, no?

[Isa_lala]

Sorry divina, I quote you when I had not seen the page 2 of the discussion and teherefore your other post

Your boundary to not ask him why he is ignoring you is a very good start. Keep going!

[divina]

He breached all of your boundaries, and that has to hurt a lot.

He also thought there were no boundaries, so this will be news to him. For you, it's been building up and becoming more painful. Emotionally, you're not in the same place, not now. This sentiment/phrase seems like it will drive a bigger wedge, not bring him in closer:

"you do this again, and I won't be there." 

It's a threat, no?

I have read the other message asking me to see the difference between consequences (threats) vs. boundaries.  But what is a boundary.  A boundary is, this is my line and I won't accept it.  Correct?  So what does that mean, "I won't accept it."  Does that me simply not accepting it and doing nothing?  If one does that, in essence, not implement a consequence, then they pretty much are not setting a boundary.

The part about a boundary being for me, not him... .I completely get.  I set a boundary so my values and my needs are not compromised. So again, what course of action would one take if in the past 1. they didn't set any boundaries 2. they have not expressed a boundary 3. a major boundary has been breached.

So far it's been about 30 days of NC, other than him wishing me happy birthday on Facebook. 

I don't want to hold on longer, that is NOT reach out to him. But I don't want him in any way, shape or form to believe this behavior is ok by me.  At this point, I do not view him as my lover. It's kind of gone too far down the rabbit hole for that. But I really hope there is something to be salvaged from this. I've already (in the past) been the first to break silence, to beg, to plead, to ask "why aren't you talking to me?" and to have him give me some task that was degrading to get back in his favor. I will not comply with that. I am almost positive he is waiting for me to reach out, so that we don't have to discuss what happened.  I read somewhere that's what they do. They wear you out so much until you are willing to just erase what happened with NO consequences to them.

[divina]

Again, we are talking about semantics. www.outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries

The Law Of Sowing and Reaping - Actions have consequences.     If someone in your life is sowing anger, selfishness, and abuse at you, are you setting boundaries against it?  Or are they getting away with not reaping (or paying the consequences for) what he/she sowed?

[livednlearned]

Hi divina,

Even though

"you do this again, and I won't be there"

is communicating the same sentiment as:

"I don't do great when things go silent between us. It makes me think things are over, and I don't like worrying about whether you're ok, or wondering whether I'll see you again. Going forward, I'll assume things are over if you disappear like that again."

It's communicated in a way that puts the boundaries squarely on you.

This is a disorder with a lot of shame and impulsivity, and he probably won't be able to hear you if the message comes across heavy on his behavior. As you mentioned, he feels safer moving forward when his shameful behavior is not discussed. If you want to get out the rototiller and excavate what happened, he may not be able to deal with the shame so openly.

[Daniell85]

I am agreeing with others here that there are ways to give him the message about how you are feeling and what you would like from him, without citing what appears to be abandonment and cheating behaviors.

He informed you prior to getting involved with this woman, that you are not in a relationship with each other. Most non BPD would expect to have a little more information of what amounts to a breakup, than that. He wasn't willing, probably due to shame, to explain more to you than he did.

My boyfriend is infamous to me for going quiet, silent treatment, blocking, and so on. We had a six week stint this past fall where after a nasty round of blocking and cursing at me, I went quiet to him. I didn't actually expect him to try and pick things back up. After 6 weeks, he contacted me, apologized to me, and unblocked me from the usual places. He's been a great deal more careful about the blocking, silent treatments, and such, since then.

We have other very hard issues, I wanted to share that aspect of the story with because if I were you, I wouldn't entirely write off the idea that your BPD person won't step up to contact you if you keep your personal boundary.

He has actually contacted you and wished you happy birthday. A very small thing, you said, lacking in the intimacy that you were hopeful of. Probably he had some hope that you would write privately after that. In some circles what he has done is called "fishing".

If you really want to start changing the dynamic in your relationship with him, then think on what you want, hold firm to your boundaries to your own self. It's very hard, I know it from a lot of unwanted experience. Protect your self. I learned a lot about self protection in the last year.

You don't have to put yourself into a difficult situation with someone who is not being respectful to you. And you don't have to fight with him, or argue, or anything else with him to get it. When you are being treated well, be present. When he chooses to disrespect you, let him know in a non blaming way ( ask here, we can help you come up with what to say!) what you need from him. If he then continues the disrespect, take enough steps back to preserve YOU and what your values are. You may feel sad or angry, or go through many other feelings, but those feelings will never be as bad as you feel when you end up letting your own self down just to keep a relationship with someone who is essentially devaluing you.

[unicorn2014]

My boundary is to not feed any negative communication. So if he's going to ignore me, then I'm not going to give him negative feedback, that is, anything that makes it pleasurable for him to do this again.  I don't know how long it will take. Probably as long as it takes for his supply to wear out. His current supply... .she's a doozy. It may take awhile.  Only when he's ready to talk will I be able to communicate, credibly that this is my boundary and say, "you do this again, and I won't be there."  It will be his first warning when in the past, my actions communicated that I was ok with it. [I'm not]

I am sorry that things are so complicated for you.

I know that for myself I would not tolerate a third party in the relationship.

My partner is legally involved with another woman and that has made me take a step back in the relationship until he changes that situation.

Upholding boundaries is very challenging especially when your person with BPD pushes up against them. It takes a lot of energy to hold back a storm.

I don't know if you can set a boundary when someone is giving you the silent treatment. Perhaps others who have endured that would be better equipped to respond. From my point of view, it doesn't sound like the person you are involved with wants to have a relationship with you. What do you think?

[divina]

Hi divina,

Even though

"you do this again, and I won't be there"

is communicating the same sentiment as:

"I don't do great when things go silent between us. It makes me think things are over, and I don't like worrying about whether you're ok, or wondering whether I'll see you again. Going forward, I'll assume things are over if you disappear like that again."

It's communicated in a way that puts the boundaries squarely on you.

This is a disorder with a lot of shame and impulsivity, and he probably won't be able to hear you if the message comes across heavy on his behavior. As you mentioned, he feels safer moving forward when his shameful behavior is not discussed. If you want to get out the rototiller and excavate what happened, he may not be able to deal with the shame so openly.

I see, we were having a disagreement about what I would say, IF given the opportunity to say something. No I would never have said things the way I had here. 

It's my actions that say, "You do this, and I won't be here." or the longer version of what you said.  Because I cannot be put through the emotional hamper every single time.

We haven't spoken yet. I'm still waiting on him to reengage me.

What I intend to communicate is something like, "Is this what you wanted?"  Him: "What do you mean?"  Me: "Well we haven't spoken in over a month."  Not sure what he would say from there.  But if he said this is not what he wanted, it give me an opportunity to say, "How do you think I feel when you stop talking to me without an explanation?"  Somehow I need to segue into, "Now that you understand how deeply this hurts me, please don't disappear on me again or I will assume we are done for good"

One thing I do know, is he can hold out for a very long time. I can definitely see myself here in three months from now still waiting this out. (This makes me sad.)

[divina]

I am agreeing with others here that there are ways to give him the message about how you are feeling and what you would like from him, without citing what appears to be abandonment and cheating behaviors.

We were in an open, non-committed relationship with each other, where neither one of us was seeing other people.  (Try to figure that one out.)

He's been a great deal more careful about the blocking, silent treatments, and such, since then.

That's my objective here of not trying to contact him. In the past, I always came back around, even apologized for things I didn't actually do... .and of course let him slide on any of his behaviors.  I'm not looking for miracles, or admission of guilt. I'm looking to be treated with more care and respect.  I had made a great deal of headway in that department with him, only that time, we had a terrible blow out, I didn't everything the wrong way in handling a person with BPD, and we didn't speak for almost an entire year.  But this time, it was not precipitated with clear speech that says, "F off, I never want to speak to you." None of that occured betweeen us.  But he was on his P's & Q's with me up until this moment when he stopped talking to me.  Funny thing, is I'm sensing it is ALREADY over between him and my replacement.  So you give up someone who has been stable in your life for years for a one month fling.  Dumb.

You don't have to put yourself into a difficult situation with someone who is not being respectful to you. And you don't have to fight with him, or argue, or anything else with him to get it. When you are being treated well, be present. When he chooses to disrespect you, let him know in a non blaming way ( ask here, we can help you come up with what to say!) what you need from him. If he then continues the disrespect, take enough steps back to preserve YOU and what your values are. You may feel sad or angry, or go through many other feelings, but those feelings will never be as bad as you feel when you end up letting your own self down just to keep a relationship with someone who is essentially devaluing you.

This is what I've been trying to do, which is why I haven't contacted him. It's been the hardest month of my life to not reach out and try. But I feel, given what occured, past and present, it's up to him to be the big boy and unbreak ST. 

He has admitted to me that he really enjoys controlling people.  We've actually had some conversation about his mental disabilities, but never using the words BPD.  Anyway, I asked him, "Why do you think you like it so much?"  He couldn't answer that.  So I want to tell him, if we ever do talk again, "I am happy to be controlled so long as what you are offering is carrots, but I will not be controlled by sticks."  Meaning, you're nice to me, I'll give nice back. If you ignore me, I'm not going to fall over myself to get your attention back.

This situation stinks!