TRying to leave but get sucked in. Please help.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi ,

Out of the 5 years of relationship, we have had 3 years of absolutely rtocky stressful one. After being patient for past year while my husband got diagnosed and is going through DBT, I dont find things changing. I feel like I am being manipulated into staying in this relationship. I have a 1 year old son. I care about my husband and dont want to push him over the edge and he uses my emotions to not seek separation. He refuses to parent our son and blames everything on me. None of my good gestures (inspite of his rude ones) are awknowldged or appreciated. I get told I am not making any efforts. I do not see this will ever change. His therapist says he probably also has asperger syndrome and his mom mentioned that too and it is very obvious.

He refuses to think about living apart and is constantly fixated on wanting intimacy. How can I possibly love or spend time with somebody who seem self centered and comes only when he needs me and not to mention how he puts me down in front of everybody (my family and friends). He has no friends coz most people know he is weird or a jerk. HE cannot let anybody talk about anything. If it is not something he approves, he starts a unpleasant argument with just anybody. I am tired of working full time and taking care of child and being responsible for finances and anything else that requires being responsible.

I have suggested living apart and thinking things through and he just doesnt want it. He refuses to do his share of daddy duties and is using that to get me to ask/beg him. I am tired of this power play and see no future.

I have requested to go to therapy but my husband says he is already going to DBT and doesnt want to do yet another one. The DBT doesnt include me and I dont see significant improvements requiring us to stay together.

I dont know if I should stay in this hope mode because I dont see one single ray of hope of anything changing. I know for a fact that I am unable to live in this hurtful world where being constantly being put down and treated bad has already taken its toll on me and I dont remember when I was really truly happy last. My husband's behaviour certainly is affecting my son as well and I dont think a world of constant argument is the place to raise a child nor do I want my son to grow up watching his fathers treatment towards me as how women should be treated.

So pragmatically I realize its best to part ways but I am not able to see how I can do this without driving my husband to edge. HE shuts down, starts crying for days when I bring this up. He also gets very aggressive and abbrasive when I bring it up. He doesnt want to leave or end this but also says he doesnt see hope and doesnt want to go to therapist and doesnt feel that will help. He wants me to listen to him and I am done trying.

Help I need is to weigh in this situatio and seek out different point of opinion that I may be not thinking. I have realized tha after being emotional until now, its time to get pragmatic now and make decision that is right for my son and I too.

Any view you may have after reading through this will be very helpful for me.

Thanks in advance.

[hopeful2015]

Hi ,

Out of the 5 years of relationship, we have had 3 years of absolutely rtocky stressful one. After being patient for past year while my husband got diagnosed and is going through DBT, I dont find things changing. I feel like I am being manipulated into staying in this relationship. I have a 1 year old son. I care about my husband and dont want to push him over the edge and he uses my emotions to not seek separation. He refuses to parent our son and blames everything on me. None of my good gestures (inspite of his rude ones) are awknowldged or appreciated. I get told I am not making any efforts. I do not see this will ever change. His therapist says he probably also has asperger syndrome and his mom mentioned that too and it is very obvious.

He refuses to think about living apart and is constantly fixated on wanting intimacy. How can I possibly love or spend time with somebody who seem self centered and comes only when he needs me and not to mention how he puts me down in front of everybody (my family and friends). He has no friends coz most people know he is weird or a jerk. HE cannot let anybody talk about anything. If it is not something he approves, he starts a unpleasant argument with just anybody. I am tired of working full time and taking care of child and being responsible for finances and anything else that requires being responsible.

I have suggested living apart and thinking things through and he just doesnt want it. He refuses to do his share of daddy duties and is using that to get me to ask/beg him. I am tired of this power play and see no future.

I have requested to go to therapy but my husband says he is already going to DBT and doesnt want to do yet another one. The DBT doesnt include me and I dont see significant improvements requiring us to stay together.

I dont know if I should stay in this hope mode because I dont see one single ray of hope of anything changing. I know for a fact that I am unable to live in this hurtful world where being constantly being put down and treated bad has already taken its toll on me and I dont remember when I was really truly happy last. My husband's behaviour certainly is affecting my son as well and I dont think a world of constant argument is the place to raise a child nor do I want my son to grow up watching his fathers treatment towards me as how women should be treated.

So pragmatically I realize its best to part ways but I am not able to see how I can do this without driving my husband to edge. HE shuts down, starts crying for days when I bring this up. He also gets very aggressive and abbrasive when I bring it up. He doesnt want to leave or end this but also says he doesnt see hope and doesnt want to go to therapist and doesnt feel that will help. He wants me to listen to him and I am done trying.

Help I need is to weigh in this situatio and seek out different point of opinion that I may be not thinking. I have realized tha after being emotional until now, its time to get pragmatic now and make decision that is right for my son and I too.

Any view you may have after reading through this will be very helpful for me.

Thanks in advance.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey hopeful2015, May I remind you that, as I'm sure you know, the only person you can control and/or change is yourself.  My suggestion: try to focus on the right path for you.  Doubtless most of us Nons have codependent tendencies, but at the end of the day you are not responsible for another adult's well-being.  Do what's right for you, is my advice.  In my experience, the stress only intensifies as time goes on in a BPD r/s.  If you think/hope you are going to reach some plateau of stability, don't count on it.  I never attained it and burned myself out in the process.  I have kids, too, and understand that is an important consideration.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings, which you may have ignored in the throes of marriage to a pwBPD.

LuckyJim

[izabellizima]

Let me tell you a little story.

I am a nurse and I took care of a man once who shot himself in the face because his wife wanted to divorce him. They have two kids. He did not die, he was actually really well by the time I took care of him, but his face is a disaster, I mean totally f-ed up.

His wife came in once he was stable to get the signature for the divorce.

Do you think she is wrong for leaving a man as unstable as her husband, a man who would rather die than take care of his kids? A man who would do something as negative to his kids' psyche as dying by his own hand? Is this a man who should raise kids?

Not ONE single nurse thought she was wrong to go in and get him to sign the papers to her freedom. Not one.

You have to put the oxygen mask on you. Then on the kids. Then on him.

Are you willing to be HIS emotional caregiver and give up on him ever giving you the treatment you desire?

Are you willing to have your kid grow up with him as a father?

If either answer is a no, get support and be done with him but do not be alone with him. If he hurts himself because you leave he is not worth staying with... .for your kid's sake.

[hopeful2015]

Thank you for response. I really do think it's best to separate. I have no support system besides my aging mom (I am her caregiver too) so I KNOW this concept of handling a one year old, aging mom, full time job and a BPD husband is had its toll. And my husband is last on that list coz I think he is manipulating  me.

I am also here because I am scared how I will do this. Without a job I have no money, and my mom has her own issues that stress me out and I see signs of asperger with my son (my husband has it too). This is is what is kept me from not taking a big step. I have gone about trying to make other mom friends and that hasn't worked. Everyone is very busy with their life's in SF area. I am trying to reconnect with my old friends.

Is there a way I can build a support system?  Any pointers will be helpful.

[sweetheart]

Hello hopeful,

Perhaps start by making a plan/list of what you need to do to leave. If leaving is what you decide, unless you are at risk from your h, slow things down, so that you control how fast you want things to happen. This way you feel less overwhelmed.

So your plan might be... .

1. Start putting a bit of money away.

2. Childcare considerations.

3. Building support. Looking locally for mum and toddler groups. Support groups on FB. Your local community centre etc

4. What will happen with the house.

5. Legal advice. ( really helpful )

This is link about taking an inventory of your life, weighing up the pros and cons https://bpdfamily.com/deciding_guide/05.htm

What's important is that there is no need to discuss this with your h. Until you know what you are going to do, stop discussing the issue of separating until you have everything in place and feel secure in your plan. These types of discussions are triggering him and making you day to day lives harder. Keep things calm, simple and as conflict free as possible by accepting that he is not going to change. You can change though.

Having a plan really helped me lots. It freed me up emotionally to see the situation more clearly, I felt more in control of my life when I was proactive in my approach.

You can bring your plan here and work through the pros and cons with us.

Remember slow things down, keep things between you calm and simple. Focus on changing you.

[hopeful2015]

Thanks a lot sweetheart. I have been trying to engage with h to slow things down and it is a huge trigger for him. Even last night there was a huge episode and he scared our son and hurt himself (cut his hand). I have left VM for his therapist but no response. Not sure if DBT is even helping him.

What I suggested was for us to stop "working on relationship" and work on being courteous housemates and learn to co-parent. This is very important for me because I do everything while he wakes up whenever he feels like, takes care of his needs and leaves dishes for me to pick up.

He always sucks me into the relationship discussion and how I am destroying everything. I try to keep bringing it back to furture and next steps. HE walks away, locks himself away from the discussion and the next day pretends nothing happenned and expects me to behave normaly and when I dont he has another bout of episode and name-calling. I am trying to do the best I can tocreate space.

At this point I just want him to leave (we live in my mothers house else I would have left a long time ago) and live whatever life he wants. HE spends night playing video games. He tends to work from home most times now (not sure if he is in trouble at work). I work from home so it is very hard to deal with this all day. I am at my wits end.

My plan (soft landing):

- Agree on some basic rules so we can continue living together

- motivate him to move out and live his life

- file for separation and divorce.

I am struggling with first one. Like I said he ignores and expects me to pretend everything is normal. I cannot do it anymore and he refuses to accept it.

Does my plan need tweaking? How do I manage to live day to day without the resentment of watching him play and laze around where I do a full time job, and manage the baby. I do not want to be sucked into this emotionally. It is clear to e that this relationship is not good for me atall.

Hello hopeful,

Perhaps start by making a plan/list of what you need to do to leave. If leaving is what you decide, unless you are at risk from your h, slow things down, so that you control how fast you want things to happen. This way you feel less overwhelmed.

So your plan might be... .

1. Start putting a bit of money away.

2. Childcare considerations.

3. Building support. Looking locally for mum and toddler groups. Support groups on FB. Your local community centre etc

4. What will happen with the house.

5. Legal advice. ( really helpful )

This is link about taking an inventory of your life, weighing up the pros and cons https://bpdfamily.com/deciding_guide/05.htm

What's important is that there is no need to discuss this with your h. Until you know what you are going to do, stop discussing the issue of separating until you have everything in place and feel secure in your plan. These types of discussions are triggering him and making you day to day lives harder. Keep things calm, simple and as conflict free as possible by accepting that he is not going to change. You can change though.

Having a plan really helped me lots. It freed me up emotionally to see the situation more clearly, I felt more in control of my life when I was proactive in my approach.

You can bring your plan here and work through the pros and cons with us.

Remember slow things down, keep things between you calm and simple. Focus on changing you.