the "relationship Disorder"

[Itstopsnow]

I've read a few places that BPD is sometimes referred to as the "relationship Disorder". I can see that. It affects so much of their interpersonal relationships. I think for me anyway I have to try and keep a balanced perspective. It is still so hard and so raw feeling because I bonded with this man. And we saw each other everyday and texted many times a day and called each other too. I thought I knew him in ways I obviously didn't. I know I knew a part of him and I'm sure that part was as real as it could be.

But for us trying to put our lives back together alone after being with someone who filled such a huge void in our lives or so we thought. They wanted all of us. Our time, our attention, They gave us their attention and they were fun, spontaneous, affectionate and For me it was always an exciting time as we were always traveling or going fun places. To go from that to being alone to process the betrayals, lies, deceptions, double lives, unfaithfulness. It is so hard to go from that life we thought we had to the life we actual had and now to the new life of them totally gone without a word or an apology for some of us. What helps me when I get stuck in this is a healthy dose of reality .

It wasn't a good healthy relationship. There were so many fights out of no where, passive aggressive behaviors, manipulations, rages, outbursts, and tantrums. My ex always put his needs first.The pull/push. The nasty remarks, Put downs, let downs, empty promises. Again, we have to remember this is all part of the illness.  It is hard to really understand that we went out with someone who has a very deep mental disorder. I felt ashamed, embarrassed I didn't see it. Embarrassed I allowed such abuse. But at the end of the day. (and Please I am not trying to give them a pass. What most of them have done to us is very hurtful and disgusting.) They are run by their disorder. They are literally at the mercy of it. They could seek help sure. But If they are undiagnosed and have someone there enabling them like family why would they change. Change is scary for "healthy normal" people. Can you imagine if you were borderline? It would be crippling. I'm not saying this to make you feel sorry for your ex. They are big enough to handle their own issues and pain. Remember they had no problem pushing it on you and making you a scapegoat to their issues. I'm just saying this is going to come a point for me anyway where I'm going to need to learn to just let go. I need to stop analyzing this disorder or my ex. Nothing they do can be measured in a healthy normal setting . This BPD affects too much of their character and that is also why they don't know who they truly are. Because I believe the things they want to do or maybe wish they can do. Like stay faithful in a relationship, feel trust worthy and be truthful with everyone in their life. They just can't do because of the disorder. They can't will it away. and when feelings get to be too much they act impulsively (another trait of BPD)

It is just a no win situation. Unfortunately many will rather stay sick and fight their way through a painful sneaky below society norm lifestyle. That is sad because I would imagine that would eat at someone's soul after a while and their spirit sort of grow anemic. I think it is a truly selfish and sad disorder that actually hurts them the most at the end. They get a life of chaos, lost., and probably a life that seems pointless and useless. No one can truly be happy being self seeking all the time. We are NOT built to be that way. We are built to help one another. To live in social harmony in Truth not in lies and in secret.  It is very hard to be left to have no closure and to feel all the hurts and wrongs done to you .But I would rather be in my shoes any day then to live a life like my ex. I would have deep shame too if I lived like that.  I miss him. I will never be friends with him again and I will likely never see or talk to him again . It does grieve me still. I feel a deep loss for my friend, my lover, my guy I thought I knew. I even have sorrow for this poor pathetic soul that he turned out to be. I don't hate him. I just want to let go of these thoughts of him and thoughts of this damn illness. I do hate it. IT is very fascinating at the same time. How it affects people from all different demographics in the same ways.  

[apollotech]

They are run by their disorder.

Kudos to you Itstopsnow. That's a hard concept ^^^^ for many to grasp. Having accepted that will expedite your healing!

You shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed about being in a relationship with a pwBPD. Like many of us, I'll bet that you didn't see the destructive BPD behavior until after the emotional bond was established. In a way, BPD is a bait and switch game----you're shown a diamond, but you get a lump of coal. Not maliciously done by the pwBPD as you've stated, but rather a product of the disorder.

[Itstopsnow]

Thank you that helps to remember that too. I'm sure their enthusiasm is somewhat real . At least to them at the time. They have so many ups and downs each day. It is freeing to realize that the whole sum of who they are is affected by BPD. So it's not like they are playing a role or certain actions are true while others aren't. Because everything they do is dictated by their emotions and the wiring in their brains. And the chemistry as well.

[Mr. Magnet]

Sociopathy is sociopathy

But if we nons keep getting in these relationships, then do we not have relationship disorders as well.

[apollotech]

Thank you that helps to remember that too. I'm sure their enthusiasm is somewhat real . At least to them at the time. They have so many ups and downs each day. It is freeing to realize that the whole sum of who they are is affected by BPD. So it's not like they are playing a role or certain actions are true while others aren't. Because everything they do is dictated by their emotions and the wiring in their brains. And the chemistry as well.

I believe that their initial enthusiasm, love, yearnings, wants, needs, etc. are very much real at the time. I think people with BPD, perhaps more than any other group of people on the planet, want a very stable, permanent relationship. The paradox of the disorder is that it drives that want, and at the same time somewhere down the road, will bar that from actually happening. It's a cruel bait and switch, cruelist to the pwBPD.