I've been replaced. It hurts

[Moselle]

I knew the day would come sooner rather than later.

She's replaced me with a friend I've had  for 20 years.

I thought it was strange that he wasn't greeting me that enthusiastically.

Well at least I know the kids new dad. I'm trying to look on the bright side here.

[thisworld]

Moselle hi,

Hell, that must be one difficult situation. Would you like to tell us more about it? How do you feel about the friend?

Stay strong

[Turkish]

Whoah, that goes beyond a Bro Code violation 

Well at least I know the kids new dad man in my kids' lives. I'm trying to look on the bright side here.

Fixed your post 

Seriously, it's like a double-hit, no? How often do you see your kids, and how are they taking things?

[Moselle]

I hardly see my kids. It's a fight over contact and care. Last was I supposed to have the kids for Christmas. She disappeared before Christmas with them.

She illegally absconded with  my kids in April last year. To anther city. I've been in court fights ever since over contact etc.

Apparently they started dating immediately after she arrived. He was still married. Now he has moved in to their house as a " tenant" who pays rent.

It is the first I know about it. The kids have obviously been sworn to secrecy for months.

They've been a 'family' for a while now.

He actually helped her the last time she called the police around on one of her rages. I looked to him saying "let's be reasonable". Now i know he was her first port of call. In the house.

I dunno. It hurts -my kids don't really want to spend time with me any more. The older two have chosen to go to church with them today. I just wasn't interested in trying to persuade them to come with me any more. When I agreed to this yesterday, I didn't know that these two were an item. My mom told me last night.

My D14 has been very anti me for a while,  asking why the dIvorce hasn't gone through etc. She has traits like her mom. D11 is on the fence but went with them. D6 opted to come with me today, so i pick her up at 8 am.

[Turkish]

Even my friends who were never "Turkish's Ex" fans have told me, "What's best for the kids?" One of them even got on my case a little when I said that the OM wasn't "family" to then S5 and D3 regarding one incident. I get the feeling replaced part, and given their attachment to their mother (and being older), you're getting more static and negativity towards you. D6 sounds like she's ok with you. Validate her, enjoy her, and leave the adult crap behind. It sounds like D11 is struggling, likely pressured to please. I really hope you get a more equitable and stable custody situation worked out in court. It's hard enough to detach without innocent children being caught in the middle.

Whether this guy sticks around or not, never forget that you are their first and only father, Moselle.

[Moselle]

Thanks Turkish,

I'm in a very hard space right now. She has spun the family advocate all sorts of crap about me  so they have advised on counselled care for me and the children on my visitation weekend (I drive 600 km every second weekend), and only day visits for 3 months.

I'm really at my financial, emotional, wit's end right now.

This nightmare seems to go on and on.

[Turkish]

Is that like supervised visitation?

[Moselle]

No. It's like a structured reintroduction. (There have been 3 bogus DV filings by her where she was given interim care and I had one hour a month, all of which were dismissed, but the damage was done) Counsellor monitors progress. And has sessions with me and the kids together. I quite looking forward to that part actually. I hope to deal with the issues that the older two seems to have with me due to the distortions. I have kids for one day on my visitation weekend 8 am to 4pm.

I've got to trust that justice will prevail here.

BPDw has had a major breakup with one of her best friends. She melted down and went bezerk with her. So at least some people are seeing the true person. I'm careful not to try and tell people she's mentally ill. The sharp people will see it. Most however don't.  Well I didn't or wouldn't for 14 years, so i can't point fingers.

[Pretty Woman]

Moselle,

   I can only imagine how that felt. It's a betrayal and a violation of trust.

I can only say this... .this is one thing I know for sure. 

He has no idea what he is getting into. 

You read on here that a BPD might be able to work it out with someone else... .and that's true. We all trigger each other differently. It takes two and we all have to take some responsibility here. However... .

You know what doesn't change? Their irrational behaviors and their ability to flip a subject and make themselves victim.

That will NOT change with this guy and he will eventually be on the receiving end. At some point this inevitably will happen. A leopard does not change it's spots. Will it be as bad? Who knows. He does not have children with her and can walk away much easier.

It truly is contingent on how much crap he is willing to take.

I know you feel betrayed. It's a really crappy thing to do to a friend. HOWEVER, again... .keep in mind... .she could have been devaluing you for a very long time and making up stories about how you treated her and the kids. If this "friend" is a co-d  caregiver type and she is a good actress he could have truly believed her words.

Does it make it right? No, but try to find compassion rather than anger here. I found out after my breakup that my ex was scared for her life and that I had volatile mood swings.

None of this was true. She was telling people this while telling me she loved me.  I BELIEVED she loved me... .why wouldn't others BELIEVE I was some abusive tyrant?

Get what I am saying here... .



You are doing all the right things to secure a relationship with your children. Coming from a broken home, the best thing you can do is not badmouth mom and make the relationship truly about your kids. Trust me... .if she is BPD (like my own mother is) years later your kids will realize you did all you could and weren't the bad guy... .they will figure this out (they are smart, trust me). I have an amazing relationship with my father but I was in a similar situation.

My heart goes out to you. Stay strong. Keep posting and try not to hold anger towards this friend... .all it does is drain you. He will soon find out who she really is.  I am friends with my ex's exes. I thought they were terrible. None of them were.


PW

[Moselle]

Hey thanks for that PW.

He is hook line and sinker + two years of BPD education short of a clue.

And she has def got him wrapped up in the drama.

I had a great lesson tonight on focussing on my feelings, attitude, beliefs, not on what she might do. After a few days I'm actually feelng quire calm, confident and grounded.

[shatra]

Pretty woman wrote

It truly is contingent on how much crap he is willing to take.

-----Some people can put up with more crap than others, but I would still say that the pwBPD will eventually leave even the most tolerant person... .it's on the pwBPD and their disorder makes them push pull, no matter what the partner does or puts up with

[Moselle]

Yes. I agree.

She told me this guy is in the for the long haul... .what she didn't say and I think is implied... .until I get tired of him and discard him.

Lol. They are both trying to tell me how happy they are. I always am sceptical about someone telling me how happy they are. Usually it shows in someone's face. She has a frightened, empty look and she's trying to do damage again, so i think we are in for more fireworks as the pressure builds.  She emailed my work again! I'm considering a protection order. I can feel the madness coming on.

Moving in with this guy has put all sorts of pressures on her. Her family is very proper and would not be impressed by this.

[ScotisGone74]

I hate to hear you are going through this now with the kids.   T he main thing is who you are married to can change quickly but Your kids will always be yours.   Listen to Turk he s been through all of it.   Im now over three years out.     Time heals all wounds, every f$&?ng one Hoss.   

[Moselle]

Thanks for that.

I hope we can heal. The girls need healing too.