I pity my BPD ex-girlfriend

[StillRecovering]

We are all here because we are trying to make sense of failed relationships with individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder.  In reading others' posts there are several common themes that come about: anger, confusion, and sadness.  I have experienced all three of these emotions, but am happy to say I have moved past the anger phase.  The disappointment of the failed relationship has faded.  She no longer seems special.  In fact, I really just pity her because when you step back and look at it she is really pathetic, and that is sad.  When I remember these things, it helps deal with the confusion of what actually transpired.  That is the phase that I am working through now.  Why do I pity my BPDexgf?

1. She has a lifelong disorder that affects all aspects of her day to day life.  Success rates in treatment are very low, as if she would ever engage in the necessary treatment.

2.  She is psychotic. (I have posted about this in other threads.)  Her perception of reality is not what actually occurs.  She misinterprets several things that occur or are said as personal attacks on her.

3. She is truly alone in this world and always will be.  Her disorder will make her destroy any relationship she is in, just like she did to ours.  Before me she had a very ugly divorce.  And she has no friends or family.  Truly sad.

4. She doesn't know what love is.  Her disorder may make her think she is feeling the emotion of love, but it isn't real.  She is too undeveloped and immature to understand the complex emotion of love.

5. She lacks common sense.  It isn't that my BPDexgf isn't intelligent.  But her thinking is full of so many cognitive distortions because of her disorder that she doesn't understand how the world works.  This has held her back in so many ways and will continue to do so in the future. 

The last one may sound minor, but it really isn't.  When you have BPD, you can't trust your own thoughts.  Emotions = facts and then the pwBPD acts on that.  They are so ingrained in their worldview (grounded in irrational emotions, not logic) that they are not able to function are normal members of society.  IMAGINE NOT BEING ABLE TO TRUST ANY THOUGHT OR EMOTION THAT PASSES THROUGH YOU! Whether it be in jobs, relationships, friendships, anything... this disorder is a disability or even an incurable disease that keeps them from having a good life.  If I'm angry, I am angry at the disorder, not the individual.  But I do pity her, as she was dealt such a bad hand having to live her life with this horrible disorder.  I would not wish this on anyone.

[Rmbrworst]

I'd like to think most of these people would be amazing and lovely if it were not for the disorder.

Even though my exBPD completely tore me apart, I forgive him and I feel very sad for him.  I truly hope he can somehow get help and move past this.

I think he will stay in his main miserable relationship forever and just hop between men until he gets caught and runs home to daddy . 

So sad

[JSF13]

I also go thru phases of this pity you feel but also a lot of anger. You are very right though.

[Infern0]

I feel a lot of compassion for my ex, but I have to temper that with the reality that I CANNOT do anything for her, and to get involved again is a dreadful idea.

I broke 4 months of NC last july because a mutual friend told me she was having a bad time and she was worried for her, i broke NC knowing it was a bad idea but i felt sad for her.

That lead to a recycle that lasted until january, and 7 months of more pain for me.

I still feel bad for her, but it's nothing i can help with.

[StillRecovering]

I feel a lot of compassion for my ex, but I have to temper that with the reality that I CANNOT do anything for her, and to get involved again is a dreadful idea.

I broke 4 months of NC last july because a mutual friend told me she was having a bad time and she was worried for her, i broke NC knowing it was a bad idea but i felt sad for her.

That lead to a recycle that lasted until january, and 7 months of more pain for me.

I still feel bad for her, but it's nothing i can help with.

No, you can't help.  I'm sorry but I really pity my ex.  She is a piece of garbage and a waste of life.

[Infern0]

I feel a lot of compassion for my ex, but I have to temper that with the reality that I CANNOT do anything for her, and to get involved again is a dreadful idea.

I broke 4 months of NC last july because a mutual friend told me she was having a bad time and she was worried for her, i broke NC knowing it was a bad idea but i felt sad for her.

That lead to a recycle that lasted until january, and 7 months of more pain for me.

I still feel bad for her, but it's nothing i can help with.

No, you can't help.  I'm sorry but I really pity my ex.  She is a piece of garbage and a waste of life.

Taking things to this extreme might not be so helpful to you

[StillRecovering]

I feel a lot of compassion for my ex, but I have to temper that with the reality that I CANNOT do anything for her, and to get involved again is a dreadful idea.

I broke 4 months of NC last july because a mutual friend told me she was having a bad time and she was worried for her, i broke NC knowing it was a bad idea but i felt sad for her.

That lead to a recycle that lasted until january, and 7 months of more pain for me.

I still feel bad for her, but it's nothing i can help with.

No, you can't help.  I'm sorry but I really pity my ex.  She is a piece of garbage and a waste of life.

Taking things to this extreme might not be so helpful to you

Fair enough. Maybe I'm not really through the anger phase.

[Driver]

Anger, sadness, pity, ... .all depends on to what extent your exBPDgf/bf caused damage to you and your own life.

My ex caused quite some damage, but it could have been even worse if I didn't try to take action involving the police etc.

Anyway, as many of you, I am not angry at her per se, I am angry at her sickness and at those who caused her trauma when she was a child. By doing so they condemned her with a life sentence of walking like a living dead among us and no matter how much we loved our exBPD, there is nothing we can really do to help them. It's a sad and frustrating situation.

I guess we have to learn to grieve and let go.

[circularref]

It's strange for me, I am relatively neutral about my BPDex, I've accepted that it is who she is and that I can't take personally a lot of the things that happened in the relationship. However, I am feeling anger, sadness, pity, ... .for her flatmate.

Because he is believing everything she says, he takes her side no matter what and blindly ignores everything bad she does. I'm friends with him and he was completely dismissing all the craziest stories about my ex (actually, everytime I tell him a story about her, his answer is "oh, she didn't tell me that part", even with things happening between them.

The other day he was complaining to me for a good 30min on how my ex is a huge slob in their flat, simply gross and he can't stand it. I asked him why he doesn't go talk to her, he replied: "We have a good thing going on at the moment, I don't want to ruin that". Right, so he's walking on eggshells. And not realising it.

I suppose my anger, pity, sadness, ... comes from the fact I realised what kind of person my ex is and he's still massively in denial. I should point out that they used to sleep together before I met them.

[MakingMyWay]

It's strange for me, I am relatively neutral about my BPDex, I've accepted that it is who she is and that I can't take personally a lot of the things that happened in the relationship. However, I am feeling anger, sadness, pity, ... .for her flatmate.

Because he is believing everything she says, he takes her side no matter what and blindly ignores everything bad she does. I'm friends with him and he was completely dismissing all the craziest stories about my ex (actually, everytime I tell him a story about her, his answer is "oh, she didn't tell me that part", even with things happening between them.

The other day he was complaining to me for a good 30min on how my ex is a huge slob in their flat, simply gross and he can't stand it. I asked him why he doesn't go talk to her, he replied: "We have a good thing going on at the moment, I don't want to ruin that". Right, so he's walking on eggshells. And not realising it.

I suppose my anger, pity, sadness, ... comes from the fact I realised what kind of person my ex is and he's still massively in denial. I should point out that they used to sleep together before I met them.

Being neutral is a good place to be, I think it is what a lot of us here should aim for when thinking about their ex. It seems that the flatmate has been drawn into the disordered patterns as well. They might come around eventually. Have you talked to them directly about BPD?


In regards to the topic of the thread. I do feel sorry for my ex and I don't resent her for what she did. She is undiagnosed but BPD or not, it is pretty clear to anybody who has been allowed into their family that her mother is emotionally abusive and emotionally neglectful, possibly narcissistic. There was a time where my ex talked to her and showed her cuts she had made on her arm only to be dismissed as an attention seeker. That was heartbreaking to hear while I was in a relationship with her. I offered my ex many times to stay with me and my family any time she felt she needed, but she feared the consequences if she returned to her mum.

It had a very clear effect on all of their four children, some more than others. Its clear that my ex was hit by it pretty hard. Many of them openly strive to not be like my ex's mother. So I don't think my ex is a bad person, but instead her personality and possibly her personality disorder are a result of a narc mother. I feel that if she could get away from that abusive household and seriously get into treatment, she could be a wonderful partner, but while she is still there, it will be impossible for her to overcome her possible BPD. It obviously doesn't really excuse how much she hurt me, but I think once I dug deeper into the disorder and started putting the pieces together, I begun to forgive her.

[parisian]

My exgfbod is a kind, good hearted person underneath her disorder. She raises money for sick children. She is a very considerate and loyal friend. I don't pity her as she is also an adult and knows that she has issues, but is too afraid to do anything about is. I still have some residual anger about how she treated me, but largely it is indifference now (has been 15 months since I called it off). She had another relationship after me, which recycled and failed of course. And now she has another new victim. She will be just stuck on repeat like this for the rest of her life sadly. It is no longer my concern.

[steelwork]

Fair enough. Maybe I'm not really through the anger phase.

I confess that I'm jealous of the anger phase! I can sometimes muster some anger for the sh*tty way he treated me, but I can't REALLY feel anger. I know I'm hella angry deep down in there somewhere!

[Mr. Magnet]

I struggle with anger too but rationally know the only person I should be angry with is me.

Directing anger at a sociopath is a waste of time.

[steelwork]

I struggle with anger too but rationally know the only person I should be angry with is me.

Directing anger at a sociopath is a waste of time.

Mr. Magnet, don't be angry with yourself. You are a human being doing your best in an awful situation. Let's neither of us judge ourselves so harshly. Our personal challenges with detachment may be 180 degree different, but I'm rooting for you to release the anger just as I'm rooting for myself to find it.

[apollotech]

I pity my ex as well. But, I also believe that has been one of her problems over the years. Too many people have pityed her, and thus enabled her. With that strong support network behind her she has never had to look at herself and accept responsibility for who she is or what she does. If she does something to hurt someone or becomes emotionally unstable, she simply runs to her enablers, tells a pack of lies about what actually occured, and garners sympathy for herself (professional victim). She is a master at playing this triangle, and for her, unfortunately, her enablers sympathize with her, instead of calling her out.

[C.Stein]

I pity my ex as well. But, I also believe that has been one of her problems over the years. Too many people have pityed her, and thus enabled her. With that strong support network behind her she has never had to look at herself and accept responsibility for who she is or what she does. If she does something to hurt someone or becomes emotionally unstable, she simply runs to her enablers, tells a pack of lies about what actually occured, and garners sympathy for herself (professional victim). She is a master at playing this triangle, and for her, unfortunately, her enablers sympathize with her, instead of calling her out.

I believe my ex is very much the same.  She is a pro at playing the victim and reconstructing reality to cast herself as the victim.  By garnering sympathy and pity from others for all the "horrible" things that have been done to her, it not only enables the continued avoidance of responsibility for her actions/behavior but it also reinforces the lies she tells herself, to the point where I wonder if she comes to believe the lies are the truth.

[Mr. Magnet]

mine is wealthy so she has no need to change either

she treats everyone like the help

[SSinNYC]

It sounds like your ex is truly a psychotic MONSTER. It seems like you truly have gone through hell that you didn’t deserve.

From what you're describing it seems like you are a sweet and honest nice individual.

I must say I can relate to your ex though. I have had some hard times in the past with my perception of reality and common sense.

For example I was in a very unhealthy toxic relationship with an very abusive manipulating narcissistic sociopath and misjudged my situation many times.

I was beaten up badly for many hours on my birthday in July by my ex because I asked him to go home early and not to have another drink. What did I do about it ? Nothing! Any normal person in their right mind and with a real perception of reality and common sense would go straight to the police station but not me. I actually got back with him a few more times to be beaten up again even worse.

The last time he beat me up so badly for hours and hours -which has had the biggest effect on my life-was over the fact that I objected to him inviting someone over that had disrespected me.He thought I was being jealous because that person happened to be a girl, but I was just standing up for myself for being disrespected which for him seemed wrong.What would a “normal” person do? Report him and throw him in jail ! What did I do? Hung around another week to see if he would make things right and feel ashamed of his actions. Instead of making things right he got on a plane and went on vacation,had sex with a 16 year old minor from a third world country and denied any abuse. Yup. That’s what “normal people” do. Beat up their girlfriends, have sex with minors and deny abuse and play the victim card.He clearly had a mental disorder and feels very entitled and he believes that is above it all. He even believes he was able to manipulate the justice system.

Well what did I learn? For me it took 7 months from the first beating and many more beatings to finally stand up to his abuse which no normal person with common sense will do so I have no common sense and am psychotic for waiting this long. I allowed a severely ill person hurt me so badly and DESTROY me emotionally and mentally . Unfortunately he doesn’t understand how physical and verbal abuse affects a person.He also doesn’t understand that NO ONE NO ONE NO ONE NO ONE under ANY conditions what so ever whether it’s the worst personality disorder or standing up for themselves or any other reason deserves to be physically abused. 

At the end of the day look on the bright side. The abusive and psychotic people in our lives that were holding us back are finally out of our lives which we both wanted so we get to finally move on and live the happy lives they didn't give us.

Even though my ex after a full year still insists to continue his mental and verbal abuse to make himself feel better and that he still plays the victim, and acts like he is a professional that knows everything and he is an angel, at least he is FINALLY physically out of my life which is a blessing so he can continue his abuse if it truly makes feel better. I can only pray for him which I already do.I pray every single minute of every single day what he has done to be gets back to him.


A side note- Does any one know of any good tattoo artists in nyc? I have a few new interesting suggestions for tattoos I was thinking of getting.

[Rmbrworst]

I pity my ex as well. But, I also believe that has been one of her problems over the years. Too many people have pityed her, and thus enabled her. With that strong support network behind her she has never had to look at herself and accept responsibility for who she is or what she does. If she does something to hurt someone or becomes emotionally unstable, she simply runs to her enablers, tells a pack of lies about what actually occured, and garners sympathy for herself (professional victim). She is a master at playing this triangle, and for her, unfortunately, her enablers sympathize with her, instead of calling her out.

Yup.

When my exBPD found out I wasn't going to enable him anymore, he jumped ship so damn fast. 

He ran back to his boyfriend (who I thought was his EX boyfriend . . . ) and I'll never forget the words his boyfriend said to me after I told him he had been cheating on him for 6 months.

"I will never leave (exBPD) no matter what he does to me, because I am too in love with him."

Well.  That explains why he acts like this, and that explains why he runs back to you. 

[Inharmsway]

Hi all,

I guess most if not all of us went through (some still are in) the anger phase. I personally believe am past that am actually greatful having had the opportunity to love so intensely. Although my love was unrequited, or maybe he loved me how he knew best despite his difficult uPD. I'm filled with compassion and sorrow for my ex. It pains me being told by friends  that he hops from one bed to the next seeking that ephemeral "perfect attachment" that seems to exist only in his world, where the standards are so high that even he doesnt know what those are anymore. Chasing the ever elusive high like an addict.

One positive out of my brief relations with him is that i got to learn that i also had codependancy issues that needed addressing. I was a people pleaser. Its been almost 2 years of NC and i've recovered and getting to know myself better. Perhaps im fortunate in that i didnt have to see a therapist. You guys on this forum and tons of reading gave me good invaluable lessons. It was hard coming to terms with the fact that i could also be to blame for the failure of r/s.

He truly was the one that got away but also a blessing in disguise. I am today a better person because of his PD as sad and twisted as that might sound.

Thanks  million guys for all the advices and support to every single one of us.

PS: nolonger in "Harmsway"