Very Funny, Universe...

[autumnskies]

2 magical years of complete happiness... .1 year of heartbreak, denial and utter confusion... .followed by a filed divorce and 90 day waiting period.

On Christmas Eve I received my final divorce decree in the mail.

Just like that. Done. Over. All very easy, neat and tidy. Neither of us has made any contact. I have no idea what to say or think about it all.  Sometimes it feels like it never even really happened.

[hopealways]

2 magical years of complete happiness... .1 year of heartbreak, denial and utter confusion... .followed by a filed divorce and 90 day waiting period.

On Christmas Eve I received my final divorce decree in the mail.

Just like that. Done. Over. All very easy, neat and tidy. Neither of us has made any contact. I have no idea what to say or think about it all.  Sometimes it feels like it never even really happened.

Sometime I feel the same.  Your story sounds like a clean one, be grateful for that 

[Itstopsnow]

It funny as you are with them. The good times seem over the top fun! And it feels like this is who are meant to be with. And you can't imagine life without them. Then the bad times get worse and worse and more crazy and filled with chaos. The person you swore was your soulmate  is really an enemy. Destroying you and themselves . Then it's over as fast as it started. A few long drawn out things with lawyers or paper work and it's gone. My good memories are already fading now . Which is good. I wish I never met him. I'm sorry you got married . But reading some of these posts you got off easy. So did I. Although my experience was devastating . 20 months isn't that long. Not to ruin my life! They are the sick one remember that. It sucks because they got so much over on us and they were suppose to be the closest one to us. That's why it hurts so much to see who and what they are and that they never loved us in the ways we loved them. Their whole illness is based in a "me" self satisfying and extremely selfish and self absorbed way. Really who would want a partner or even a friend like that? They have little to nothing to offer. Except their neediness and using manipulative ways. Be happy for one thing! You're on the other side and not stuck in it anymore

[once removed]

hey autumnskies 

you had a lengthy, and no doubt very close relationship to this person; she was your wife. this process must be incredibly surreal, and not helpful to receive on christmas eve.

how are you feeling as a result?

[autumnskies]

Hi Once Removed,

Thanks for asking 

It was my husband that I got divorced from.  I'm not sure how I feel.  Kind of numb and hoping I'm not just blocking it all out.  I think I have gone through a lot of the pain over the last year.  I had some time to get used to it.  Maybe he let me down slowly... .maybe he hoped things would change, who knows. It was exhausting trying to figure out what he was thinking in the end. I suppose I should be grateful that it didn't get dragged out or that I didn't get recycled a bunch of times.

The mail thing... .I actually laughed out loud at the mailbox and said to myself, 'of course, Christmas Eve... .' Kind of a weird, appropriate end to a mind-boggling roller coaster ride.

[autumnskies]

And thank you too Itstopsnow and hopealways 

Everyone here always seems to know the the right thing to say for encouragement and perspective. I am so glad I found this place to be able to breath and be heard.

[once removed]

my apologies, autumnskies!

feeling numb is usually a reaction to a shock, or multiple shocks to the system. we all grieve differently, but in my experience things like depression, bad dreams, etc, tend to replace it. but you may be right that you spent a lot of the last year detaching, so i dont mean to scare you, just give you some idea of what you might expect. are you seeing a therapist?

[autumnskies]

Hi once removed,

I was. I ran out of appointments through my work benefits.  She was there from the start and seemed to think I was doing ok. She suggested some self help stuff on boundaries and FOO issues.

The thought I ended up having and being able to live with was - why would I want to be with someone who didn't want to be with me anymore? You shouldn't have to convince someone to want you or work on your relationship. That alone pretty much is a simple fact that you really can't force or argue.

It is a crazy time of year with Christmas and the kids. I'm hoping to dive into it in the new year. Here's to 2016! Hopefully much better than 2015

[autumnskies]

Well, once removed... .you were totally right. Numbness was just the start... .

I saw the therapist because I got really worried and confused about how I was starting to feel. I filled out a questionnaire and she said I ranked at the "high end of severely depressed" and that I shouldn't be working. I need to work so that isn't an option.

So how do I feel? Awful, sad, sick, extremely exhausted and really confused.  I have made a couple big mistakes at work... .something unheard of for me. I am a hardworking, detail oriented, well respected person who is so careful and thorough at work. I actually got a letter on my file which devastated me. Now I have become overly cautious and a nervous wreck all day worrying that I will make more mistakes.

I also have started to avoid family and friends as it is just way too hard to be charming, engaged and witty. I know that's not at all what they expect but even the thought of updating them on "how I'm doing" seems overwhelming. And if one more person says... .that they just CANNOT BELIEVE such a perfect, wonderful, loving relationship turned out this way or that it's soo shocking and sad I haven't heard from him at all... .I'm going to scream!

Also concerning is that I have taken to eating unhealthy foods and drinking wine more often.  I know this is bad and not helping. I just don't really care. I can't seem to round up the energy to do what I know people would suggest... .healthy foods, more rest, exercise, meditation, visiting with friends, self care, etc.

For the first time in my life, (that I am openly aware of) I really actually feel bad about myself. Sometimes it feels like all the effort I've put into my life so far was such a waste of time and has turned out badly. I feel like I have made numerous bad choices and I am now living with the consequences. 

Yes, I think I must be depressed... .and SO tired. I have never felt this way before.  I really thought I was doing great. I love my kids and want to do right by them so that keeps me going... .but I need help.

How did any of you get through this part?

[JaneStorm]

Well, once removed... .you were totally right. Numbness was just the start... .

I saw the therapist because I got really worried and confused about how I was starting to feel. I filled out a questionnaire and she said I ranked at the "high end of severely depressed" and that I shouldn't be working. I need to work so that isn't an option.

So how do I feel? Awful, sad, sick, extremely exhausted and really confused.  I have made a couple big mistakes at work... .something unheard of for me. I am a hardworking, detail oriented, well respected person who is so careful and thorough at work. I actually got a letter on my file which devastated me. Now I have become overly cautious and a nervous wreck all day worrying that I will make more mistakes.

I also have started to avoid family and friends as it is just way too hard to be charming, engaged and witty. I know that's not at all what they expect but even the thought of updating them on "how I'm doing" seems overwhelming. And if one more person says... .that they just CANNOT BELIEVE such a perfect, wonderful, loving relationship turned out this way or that it's soo shocking and sad I haven't heard from him at all... .I'm going to scream!

Also concerning is that I have taken to eating unhealthy foods and drinking wine more often.  I know this is bad and not helping. I just don't really care. I can't seem to round up the energy to do what I know people would suggest... .healthy foods, more rest, exercise, meditation, visiting with friends, self care, etc.

For the first time in my life, (that I am openly aware of) I really actually feel bad about myself. Sometimes it feels like all the effort I've put into my life so far was such a waste of time and has turned out badly. I feel like I have made numerous bad choices and I am now living with the consequences. 

Yes, I think I must be depressed... .and SO tired. I have never felt this way before.  I really thought I was doing great. I love my kids and want to do right by them so that keeps me going... .but I need help.

How did any of you get through this part?

Well, first off... .give yourself a break! You have been through the wringer. 

I still pound the beer or bourbon a bit too much, about 1-2 times a week. No, it does not help.

My T told me that my benders and newly acquired nicotine habit will end when I am ready. He is not worried. My sons are not either. I find that odd, because, sometimes I am worried that I may never get healthy again! Of course, I will, I was before this r/s but it is almost like I was another person before him but I was not. I am Me.

For me, I take baby steps. I allow my feelings to be felt. Instead of focusing on all of the mistakes I made to get to this point, I think about what alternative action could have been done, had I known better.

I drink 2 glasses of water for every alcoholic drink.

I eat healthy soup, even if I'd rather not eat at all.

I try to nourish my body and mind as much as I can each day; even if it is only a little. It is better than nothing.

I am planning trips out into the summer. I can't even imagine going, but when the time comes... .there I am!

I get and give great hugs from my sons.

I take deep breaths.

I look at myself in the mirror and try to love that reflection, as much as I wanted him to love me.

"If you're going through Hell, keep going." --- Winston Churchill

[autumnskies]

Wow... .JaneStorm.  Thank you, that's just what I needed to hear. 

I have been so mad at myself for falling apart and not being able to pull it together. I never do that. I am usually everybody else's rock. And you totally made me laugh... .I didn't even mention my secret smoking thing (which I THINK... .I stopped yesterday - we'll see!) 

I look at myself in the mirror and try to love that reflection, as much as I wanted him to love me.  This part really caught me off guard and made me cry. I'm not totally sure why.  Maybe because he looked me in the eyes and told me thousands of times how much he loved me and how we were soulmates. Who says that... .if they don't mean it or can't maintain the feelings?

But to your point... .I guess that should be me... .to me.

Thanks again - going to make soup   

[JaneStorm]

Wow... .JaneStorm.  Thank you, that's just what I needed to hear.  

I have been so mad at myself for falling apart and not being able to pull it together. I never do that. I am usually everybody else's rock. And you totally made me laugh... .I didn't even mention my secret smoking thing (which I THINK... .I stopped yesterday - we'll see!)  

Funny how secretive we become when trying to make everything perfect. I had to confess to my closest fans, that I had fallen from grace. I was surprisingly NOT judged. Not surprised because of their characters, but surprised because I had forgotten what it felt like to be loved and supported, even if I was not perfect!

This part really caught me off guard and made me cry. I'm not totally sure why.

I know what you mean.

Keep at this practice (it is hard-as-Hell on some days for me). Observe every flaw and own it as part of YOU. All parts of your Self is worthy of Love and yes, it starts with YOU.

Maybe because he looked me in the eyes and told me thousands of times how much he loved me and how we were soulmates. Who says that... .if they don't mean it or can't maintain the feelings?

I got the 'feels' on this. My Blue-Eyed Liar said the same line. I think most of us on this board has been through that. It is baffling; but then again, those are just words and they are just acting. Pretending to have the ability to be normal... .quoting movie lines, or whatever they do to feign being stable and capable of connection.

Thanks again - going to make soup  

To your Health!