I make him "uneasy"

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I was no contact with my BPDexbf for over two months after we had our terrible breakup until he snuck his way back in my head by sending me a text on New Years apologizing for what he put me through. I took the bait and we ended up talking for a couple of days, he seemed apologetic and kind and kept begging me to see him. I asked for a bit more time as I was enjoying having him treat me with kindness again but felt nervous about it the whole time as I didn't know how genuine it was. I ended up texting him again a few days later to talk and he was distant and leaving me hanging for hours. I have no tolerance for being ignored by him after everything he put me through with that before so I got angry and we ended up fighting. I was so angry he came back when I had been doing well with NC just to do the same crap to me. We ended up ending communication he got cold and distant again and all of the sudden wanted nothing to do with me when earlier he has been begging me to say him and apologizing for avoiding me whenever we had problems in the relationship (you know like when he would lie about everything, hide things and ditch me for other girls and then move in with them). So after this maintaining NC has been harder and I've been cracking. I messaged him and apology for my actions last weekend. Then this weekend I messaged him again said hello and that I was sorry I kept reading out if he was feeling annoyed by me and I just wanted some kind of closure. He ignores my texts for like 10 hours then sends "I'm sorry. It just made me uneasy to hear from you. I want to talk to you but know we shouldn't." Then when I don't answer for 10 minutes (as opposed to the 10 hours it took him to answer me) he sends "you must be sleeping. Good night." I feel like this is making me crazy. I shouldn't be the one making him "uneasy", and I really wish he never would have came back on New Years.


He never seems to fail at making me feel like I'm the crazy one.

[samanthagrace]

I was no contact with my BPDexbf for over two months after we had our terrible breakup until he snuck his way back in my head by sending me a text on New Years apologizing for what he put me through. I took the bait and we ended up talking for a couple of days, he seemed apologetic and kind and kept begging me to see him. I asked for a bit more time as I was enjoying having him treat me with kindness again but felt nervous about it the whole time as I didn't know how genuine it was. I ended up texting him again a few days later to talk and he was distant and leaving me hanging for hours. I have no tolerance for being ignored by him after everything he put me through with that before so I got angry and we ended up fighting. I was so angry he came back when I had been doing well with NC just to do the same crap to me. We ended up ending communication he got cold and distant again and all of the sudden wanted nothing to do with me when earlier he has been begging me to say him and apologizing for avoiding me whenever we had problems in the relationship (you know like when he would lie about everything, hide things and ditch me for other girls and then move in with them). So after this maintaining NC has been harder and I've been cracking. I messaged him and apology for my actions last weekend. Then this weekend I messaged him again said hello and that I was sorry I kept reading out if he was feeling annoyed by me and I just wanted some kind of closure. He ignores my texts for like 10 hours then sends "I'm sorry. It just made me uneasy to hear from you. I want to talk to you but know we shouldn't." Then when I don't answer for 10 minutes (as opposed to the 10 hours it took him to answer me) he sends "you must be sleeping. Good night." I feel like this is making me crazy. I shouldn't be the one making him "uneasy", and I really wish he never would have came back on New Years.


He never seems to fail at making me feel like I'm the crazy one.

[peace74]

I totally get everything you are saying here.  I have been through this too many times to count.  My BPDh when he decided to abandon our 8 yr marriage for unknown reasons did this baiting, push/pull thing constantly.  He still does occasionally although I have stopped participating so he doesn't do it as often.  I have a child with him so NC is not really an option.  It gets easier to stand up for yourself and take whatever they may say with a grain of salt as you heal.  So many times I wanted to believe what he was telling me or that I was finally receiving what I wanted from him.  With each time it just got to the point where I knew where it all would go - nowhere.  He would tell me he wanted to start "fresh" and that he loved me and needed me.  Then he would change his mind and act like it never happened.  I think he wanted that and meant what he said at the time but the BPD totally made it kind of impossible.  I think he used me like a security blanket.  He wanted me there and wanted me to still be attached and available but didn't want to hold himself accountable for what his part was in that equation.  No other people were involved romantically until around Thanksgiving.  He literally told me a month before he started dating a girl that he loved, needed, and missed his family and wanted to take it slowly and work it out.  But for the next few weeks he stood me up for a date, wouldn't tell people we were together or trying to work it out, and would go do what he always would do on the weekend and not invite or include me.  However he would make sure to have sex with me.  I know I was stupid for sleeping with him but I did.  When I called him out on all this and said I was not going to be disrespected like that he didn't say sorry or that he would correct it.  He said nothing.  I asked for an explanation and he "didn't have time to talk about it."  He never found the time.  He went on as usual like it never happened.  He is the only person I've ever known where you can ask him a direct question and he will totally ignore me like I never said a word.  So he's been seeing this girl for 3 months and I can tell he's not really happy.  He tells me last weekend that even though we're not together he loves me and cares about me.  He said he knows he's the reason I'm in a bad financial situation.  He told me he wished things would have turned out different.  These are things that I longed to here at the beginning of the end.  I just said well live and learn.  I would normally be crying and telling him I loved him too but he crossed a boundary when he chose to be with someone else.  Anyway, what I've learned is that his motives for contact or what he says only relates to something he needs or wants.  What he needs or wants is continually changing.  I can relate to being made to feel like you're the crazy one.  I went to a therapist after he left because I felt like I was living in the twilight zone.  Nothing made sense.  I asked her repeatedly if I was "normal" or if I was the crazy.  She then told me she felt he was BPD and when I read and researched this it finally all made sense.  My only advice is to keep reminding yourself of all the reasons you do not want to be in a relationship with this person.  You do deserve a truly loving, mature, and mutual respectful partnership. 

[Moselle]

Hi Samanthagrace.

Sorry to hear about you getting pulled back into the drama. It's OK. Everyone makes mistakes. It's very common for people with BPD to want to re-connect.

Does he understand how he affects you?

[samanthagrace]

I totally get everything you are saying here.  I have been through this too many times to count.  My BPDh when he decided to abandon our 8 yr marriage for unknown reasons did this baiting, push/pull thing constantly.  He still does occasionally although I have stopped participating so he doesn't do it as often.  I have a child with him so NC is not really an option.  It gets easier to stand up for yourself and take whatever they may say with a grain of salt as you heal.  So many times I wanted to believe what he was telling me or that I was finally receiving what I wanted from him.  With each time it just got to the point where I knew where it all would go - nowhere.  He would tell me he wanted to start "fresh" and that he loved me and needed me.  Then he would change his mind and act like it never happened.  I think he wanted that and meant what he said at the time but the BPD totally made it kind of impossible.  I think he used me like a security blanket.  He wanted me there and wanted me to still be attached and available but didn't want to hold himself accountable for what his part was in that equation.  No other people were involved romantically until around Thanksgiving.  He literally told me a month before he started dating a girl that he loved, needed, and missed his family and wanted to take it slowly and work it out.  But for the next few weeks he stood me up for a date, wouldn't tell people we were together or trying to work it out, and would go do what he always would do on the weekend and not invite or include me.  However he would make sure to have sex with me.  I know I was stupid for sleeping with him but I did.  When I called him out on all this and said I was not going to be disrespected like that he didn't say sorry or that he would correct it.  He said nothing.  I asked for an explanation and he "didn't have time to talk about it."  He never found the time.  He went on as usual like it never happened.  He is the only person I've ever known where you can ask him a direct question and he will totally ignore me like I never said a word.  So he's been seeing this girl for 3 months and I can tell he's not really happy.  He tells me last weekend that even though we're not together he loves me and cares about me.  He said he knows he's the reason I'm in a bad financial situation.  He told me he wished things would have turned out different.  These are things that I longed to here at the beginning of the end.  I just said well live and learn.  I would normally be crying and telling him I loved him too but he crossed a boundary when he chose to be with someone else.  Anyway, what I've learned is that his motives for contact or what he says only relates to something he needs or wants.  What he needs or wants is continually changing.  I can relate to being made to feel like you're the crazy one.  I went to a therapist after he left because I felt like I was living in the twilight zone.  Nothing made sense.  I asked her repeatedly if I was "normal" or if I was the crazy.  She then told me she felt he was BPD and when I read and researched this it finally all made sense.  My only advice is to keep reminding yourself of all the reasons you do not want to be in a relationship with this person.  You do deserve a truly loving, mature, and mutual respectful partnership. 

I can't even believe how much I can relate to your story! Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. This sounds so much like my ex, only you've worded it far more eloquently than I have been able to so far. Wanting you to be available and attatched but not wanting to hold himself accountable for his part in that? YES. This is so true for me too. And my ex is also the only person I've known to completely ignore questions like they were never asked, even through text message. He couldn't communicate about anything, if he tried he would jump to angry and defensive. Being ignored like that, with him refusing to even acknowledge half of what I try to say to him, I would just lose my cool about hay so often. In our conversation we had last night I was apologizing for things, he didn't apologize once. It couldn't be clearer that he doesn't care about me even though when he broke out 2 months NC earlier in the month he was apologizing up and down telling me he loved me. This time he was cold and cruel, probably because I've been reaching out and he feels I'm at his mercy again. No more. Anyone deserves better than this! He even told me he could tell I was never going to change and wouldn't explain what I needed to change, because I was just asking for respect and for him to stop ignoring me if he wanted to have a conversation. I told him if I annoy him so much I will promise to never reach out again but he had to promise he wouldn't pop back up again in a month or two like last time and mess me up. He REFUSED. won't be kind to me but won't give me closure. I'm the same way, my therapist is the one who told me he sounds like he has BPD and I've been so scared I'm the one with the problem I had to have her reassure me several times that I'm not.

[samanthagrace]

Hi Samanthagrace.

Sorry to hear about you getting pulled back into the drama. It's OK. Everyone makes mistakes. It's very common for people with BPD to want to re-connect.

Does he understand how he affects you?

I think he understands. He knows how much he hurts me because I've explained it to him in as many different ways as I could although he doesn't seem to care or make changes to not hurt me. I think he is being cruel because he thinks I'm sucked back in since I've been reaching out to him a few times since he messaged me out of nowhere on January 1st to say he was sorry and he was being apologetic and loving. All to get me back where he wanted me, once I gave in he shut down on me again. Only took 2 days of texting for that to happen. It's just so frustrating and it's finally making me see that he is the one with the problem. In our last convo he let me take the blame for everything, even told me we can't be together or talk because I'm never going to change. Wouldn't explain WHAT I had to change though, and also refused to give me any sort of closure because some day he might decide I'm convenient again. Thanks for taking the time to reply!

[thisworld]

SamanthaGrace hi

Your story describes my ex's behaviour exactly and he does this to his mother and me. At one point I found this truly rude, twice as rude because he would experience abandonment fears over text and would panic like "where are you? have you left the conversation? have you stopped talking to me?" etc. And then as soon as I told him that I was just disconnected (for 2-3 minutes) because of a technical problem and that I would say good night or goodbye if I wanted to leave but would never leave a chat like that, the guy started leaving me in the middle of conversations! Even while one day he, I and his mother were chatting because of his bank account problem! I thought these were rude a)because they were rude b)because it's actually him who voiced a sensitivity about this! Because my ex started this particular behaviour after I gave him assurance on this, I think there was a power play or some test at work. If I had emotional expectations from him, I'd just go crazy. (I actually think yes, they have a personality disorder but we too are crazy in our own way for expecting non-disordered behaviour from mentally disordered persons.)

As for relaationships ending and restarting, this is pretty common with pwBPD. The recycling workshop was very eye-opening for me in this regard, so I'd like to share that with you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0

Stay strong

 

[Penelope35]

Samanthagrace I can't even believe how similar our stories are! It's like you are talking about my ex. It is ok for them to just ignore us but when they feel like it and reach out they expect you to be waiting with open arms and willing to give them their supply. And when you do they distance themselves again until the supply runs out and the pop up again. It's amazing I  how many similar ways they behave.

[Moselle]

I think he understands. He knows how much he hurts me because I've explained it to him in as many different ways as I could although he doesn't seem to care or make changes to not hurt me. I think he is being cruel because he thinks I'm sucked back in since I've been reaching out to him a few times since he messaged me out of nowhere on January 1st to say he was sorry and he was being apologetic and loving. All to get me back where he wanted me, once I gave in he shut down on me again. Only took 2 days of texting for that to happen. It's just so frustrating and it's finally making me see that he is the one with the problem. In our last convo he let me take the blame for everything, even told me we can't be together or talk because I'm never going to change. Wouldn't explain WHAT I had to change though, and also refused to give me any sort of closure because some day he might decide I'm convenient again. Thanks for taking the time to reply!

From what I've read, written by people wifh BPD and spoken to them first hand, the majority know they are cruel, feel some level of regret for the damage they cause, and can even choose not to be cruel (evidenced by how highly functioning ones can treat strangers so kindly). And most feel bad for this behaviour, however the emotional payoffs outweigh the benefits of becoming healthy. I believe thats why its so difficult for them to change

As mentioned on someones post however, they need their source of supply. Somehow hurting the ones closest to them satisfies their need for drama and attention. And many of us accept this treatment increase gradually over some years (in my case 15 years )

When I realised that it was my choice to accept the cruelty or not, was a milestone for me. I simply said " What you are saying hurts, I would like to be treated with respect and kindly. If you do not, I will need to hang up/stop messaging/remove myself from the situation for my own good. And I did hang up/stop messaging and remove myself.

This meant the power over me diminished significantly, and I felt my self respect growing.

How do you enforce your boundaries?

[Feelinstronger]

Honestly, reading these posts makes me feel NOT ALONE - so thank you all for sharing your experiences.  Been reading a lot, and it seems many partners of BPDs go back for more, I know I have.  8 break ups, and each time I prayed and prayed he would return - and he did - except this last time.  And I still wish he would return.  Am I crazy? I choose to think that I love him unconditionally.  I dont see myself as a doormat, but one who loves through good times and bad.  However every one of my friends and family members would hit me over the head with a 2x4 if the opportunity ever came and I took him back.  FOr me, the good times were so very good, and they outweigh the bad.  But I cannot get over feeling somewhat stupid for wanting to be back together.  Is it simply a matter of the passage of time until one decides they have had enough?  Wishing all of you strength.

[samanthagrace]

I think he understands. He knows how much he hurts me because I've explained it to him in as many different ways as I could although he doesn't seem to care or make changes to not hurt me. I think he is being cruel because he thinks I'm sucked back in since I've been reaching out to him a few times since he messaged me out of nowhere on January 1st to say he was sorry and he was being apologetic and loving. All to get me back where he wanted me, once I gave in he shut down on me again. Only took 2 days of texting for that to happen. It's just so frustrating and it's finally making me see that he is the one with the problem. In our last convo he let me take the blame for everything, even told me we can't be together or talk because I'm never going to change. Wouldn't explain WHAT I had to change though, and also refused to give me any sort of closure because some day he might decide I'm convenient again. Thanks for taking the time to reply!

From what I've read, written by people wifh BPD and spoken to them first hand, the majority know they are cruel, feel some level of regret for the damage they cause, and can even choose not to be cruel (evidenced by how highly functioning ones can treat strangers so kindly). And most feel bad for this behaviour, however the emotional payoffs outweigh the benefits of becoming healthy. I believe thats why its so difficult for them to change

As mentioned on someones post however, they need their source of supply. Somehow hurting the ones closest to them satisfies their need for drama and attention. And many of us accept this treatment increase gradually over some years (in my case 15 years )

When I realised that it was my choice to accept the cruelty or not, was a milestone for me. I simply said " What you are saying hurts, I would like to be treated with respect and kindly. If you do not, I will need to hang up/stop messaging/remove myself from the situation for my own good. And I did hang up/stop messaging and remove myself.

This meant the power over me diminished significantly, and I felt my self respect growing.

How do you enforce your boundaries?

This is sad but not surprising. I believe that although he never owns up to any of the damage he causes that he is still at least somewhat aware of it. Honestly when I was with him, I didn't enforce any boundaries. He would do something that made me feel poorly, I would try to talk to him about it, no matter how I tried to do so it would turn into a fight, we would break up and then shortly after I would be back for more. Most of the time I communicated when he was hurting me, it just didn't change anything because he knew I would never actually go anywhere. He isn't a part of my life anymore, but the importance of setting and enforcing my own boundaries has been the biggest thing I have taken away from this. Without them I completely lost myself, I was 100% at his mercy. I am embarrassed to look back at how much power I gave him to hurt me.

[samanthagrace]

Honestly, reading these posts makes me feel NOT ALONE - so thank you all for sharing your experiences.  Been reading a lot, and it seems many partners of BPDs go back for more, I know I have.  8 break ups, and each time I prayed and prayed he would return - and he did - except this last time.  And I still wish he would return.  Am I crazy? I choose to think that I love him unconditionally.  I dont see myself as a doormat, but one who loves through good times and bad.  However every one of my friends and family members would hit me over the head with a 2x4 if the opportunity ever came and I took him back.  FOr me, the good times were so very good, and they outweigh the bad.  But I cannot get over feeling somewhat stupid for wanting to be back together.  Is it simply a matter of the passage of time until one decides they have had enough?  Wishing all of you strength.

You are not alone in any of this, especially not in wanting him back. This has been a very hard thing for me to work through as well, in fact I'm still working on it although it has gotten easier. I know logically how bad he is for me, how he is not the person I thought he was or want him to be. I know that if he comes back it will end up hurting me and I will be worse off. I know he isn't changing. However, even knowing all of this and believing it, there is a part of me that wants him to come back and wants him to fix everything. But then, similar to what you said, even if he came back and was somehow a better, kinder version of himself who was self aware and held himself accountable for his actions and a good partner, the bridge is already burned, my friends and family wouldn't allow it. I wouldn't even be able to tell them for fear of their reactions! This does get better in time though. Funny enough, the last time I broke NC and spoke to him and experienced him being so cruel to me may have helped in this. Yesterday was a week NC after that, and I get a text from him. It just says "Hey."

I know I am getting better because my stomach didn't drop, I didn't feel longing or hope or happy it was his number on my phone again. I saw his number, I made a disgusted face and swore at my phone. I didn't answer him. Just a few days ago, I was figuring I wouldn't hear from him again at all and if I did it would at least be a month or so from now. I typed up a message I would send in my notes on my phone, an angry message where I finally tell him I'm not accepting all the blame. That he was awful to me during and after our relationship. That I don't want him to talk to me, that I'm over the mess between us and he had a million chances with me already, if he had actually wanted me he would have taken them. I was very gung-ho about this just two days before, then I get the "hey" text and I don't want to send it. I'd rather say nothing. He doesn't have the power to lead me on then ignore me if I'm ignoring him.

ALSO, if just hearing from me makes him "uneasy" why is he texting me Hey? If he was being genuine and I actually did make him uneasy I could accept that but here he is reaching out to me which leads me to believe he only said that to make me feel shameful. Manipulative and cruel, always.