8 days gone...

[freefox]

Last Sunday I packed my car and left my home without telling my uBPDh (married for 11 months, together 3 years). In the early morning hours of Sunday I found myself calling a DV hotline in search of shelter as I finally felt as though I was no longer safe in our home... .his behavior had become so erratic, escalating quickly, unpredictable and rooted deeply in his delusions and paranoia. It was at a point where I would put nothing past him, especially if he flew into one of his blind rages, and with guns in the home I was taking no chances. Leaving was something that I knew was in the future, I just didn't expect it this soon - leaving me unprepared financially (still tied into a lease with him). I have been staying in a safe space since.

For those who have been here, I am just looking for any advice or guidance moving forward. I have not seen or talked to him in 8 days - despite him contacting me via text and email. He has NO clue about what is going on at all... .When he discovered I had left, the panic set in. Tons of calls and texts flooded in, begging me to come home, apologizing, "I'll do whatever it takes, even counseling", the whole nine yards. I told him not to contact me further. He emailed me yesterday to "update me" on what he has been up to, to tell me he "went to counseling and was really learning a lot" (I had suggested it to him many times and he was not having it - even telling me I should divorce him if I wanted counseling) and that he couldn't wait to share with me, that he loved and missed me, etc.

I have been looking for apartments this past week, meeting with my T and getting myself in order. I even reached out to my landlord in hopes of removing my name from our joint list (that way I can afford a new place).

Any ideas into the next steps? Communicating with him needs to happen at some point, I just don't want to right now. I consulted a lawyer and have 2 more months to file for divorce in my state.

Any thoughts or suggestions helpful.

[Sunfl0wer]

Welcome Freefox!  

|iiiiThis is a huge step you have taken!

You seem well organized about this having some things in order.  How long have you been planning leaving before doing it?  Have you tried to leave before?

If you are in a DV shelter right now then you likely know how important it is to stay safe and limit contact(likely staff have told you) as he may lure you back by being nice and then after you have let your guard down, you may find yourself in a most unsafe situation than before.  

We also have a legal board here, please post this there as well.  They are excellent at giving useful info.

Can you explain a bit more?  :)o you guys have kids together?

What exactly made you feel unsafe?  Threats? Violence?  

You may need an order of protection.

What would be the reason you need to talk to him next?  (Property, kids, etc?)

What advice has your T provided for your immediate situation?

Who else is in your support network?  Friends? Family?

Share what you are able.

[freefox]

Sunfl0wer, thanks for the warm welcome. I have been lurking here for the past three days and really felt like this would be a great source of support for me... .It is a strange mix of surprise, validation and comfort reading through these posts and seeing the similarities to so many people, knowing I am NOT alone and NOT crazy.

LONG POST 

I have never tried to leave before. We were married in March and by May I already knew that I was unhappy. A counselor myself, I knew that what was happening wasn't healthy, but being in it myself made it more difficult. The summer was full of ups and downs. In September a co-worker disclosed to me about her situation with her stbxBPDh, and everything she was saying sounded just like my H. Those conversations where she detailed their relationship, marriage, children and her leaving - and the roller coaster ride she had been on for 10+ years - all I could see was myself and my H headed right down that same path. It was eerie. The seeds started to be planted at that point.

Fast forward to October and we moved states due to a new job offer (him), and luckily I was able to begin my career as well (very happily and successfully - much to his dismay). He was laid off November (truth is shaky here) and that was a major trigger for him. I believe it was his breaking point... .where he could no longer control himself - where his whole self was fully exposed to me in ways I had never seen before. Instead of having issues once every other month, it morphed into once a month, then once a week, and finally daily. The true extent of his BPD was finally clear to me.

I had only been mentally preparing, as I knew almost definitively end of December/beginning of January that I could not see continuing on this path the rest of my life... .I called that co-worker and told her everything that had been happening. Together we confirmed what I knew subconsciously for some time: that this relationship was unhealthy and abusive, that my H was uBPD and that I needed to wrap my head around leaving. It was then that I sought out a new T (my uBPDh and I have only lived in this state for 4 months) and confided everything that I had been going through. I was going to suggest working on our marriage together (counseling), and if he did not agree I was going to leave. I didn't have a timeline, but our lease is up October, so that would be the absolute latest. I really didn't know when - but I had a feeling that if that time came, I would just know. Sure enough, last weekend was that time.

He has tried to lure me back via texts and the latest email, with grand promises and epiphanies. I can see through this and did not respond. This is where my background in psych and counseling skills have really assisted me - insight into behavior, motive, etc.

I felt unsafe due to his delusions & paranoia (which consist of me being a bad person, not supportive or loving to him, not caring about him, the list goes on and on), displays of blind rage/anger - which he "forgets", drinking, instability and ownership of 2 guns (also paranoia).

The night before I left, he had cut me down and insulted me multiple times in front of our out-of-town company, ostracized me, acted passive aggressive, insinuated that I was cheating on him, video taped me on his phone "to show the world how you really are", talked trash to someone on the phone about me purposely within earshot at 230am, said I was "nuts" and "crazy", came into the bedroom and started taking photos of me while maniacally laughing and told the listener he would send them the photos... .I had never felt so violated in my entire life.

I don't have a support network here (convenient right? - just moved) other than my T, but I have very close friends who have been available 24/7 and one who is planning to fly down and help me move when I find a place. My mother is supportive, albeit worried sick, and has offered to help if needed.

No children, only shared property is a lease (up October). I am hoping for news from my landlord tonight or tomorrow. This seems to be the issue I would need to talk about. Can't file for divorce for 2 more months, so no need to bring that up.

Thanks for reading... .

[Sunfl0wer]

Bumping this so others can chime in.

Even if filing cannot happen right now, the legal board may be helpful in preparing you.

You have taken such huge steps to protect yourself, excellent!

Often persons may be in shock initially.  When I left a BF, it took a little while of settling in, then I started missing him again.  The trauma bond for me was very real and very strong.  I literally could only experience the positive things I missed, my mind blocked out and minimized the harmful things.

How are you coping today?

What do you see as your next step?

[Caley]

No children, only shared property is a lease (up October). I am hoping for news from my landlord tonight or tomorrow. This seems to be the issue I would need to talk about. Can't file for divorce for 2 more months, so no need to bring that up.

Hello Freefox,

You sound like a very brave, strong and reasoned person. I admire your courage ... everything you have committed to doing, in the last, past few weeks, must have been both challenging and fearful.

It seems to me that if you have come this far, and achieved what you have, having adopted full NC, that you can ride out the rest of this experience maintaining NC. So, I would question if there really is a 'need' to contact your husband, at all, reference the above highlighted point.

If you can navigate your way through this without feeling obligated to contact/reply to him, or to update him at all, you'll have both feet out of the door.

Speak to the people at your DV centre for guidance on this. Your husband WILL unleash every tool in his arsenal to rope you back. You know him best but I would wager that, unless he is a completely cold blooded lizard, he'll be experiencing acute anxiety, abandonment fears and feelings of desperation. He's at the precipice about to fall and he will cling to every branch, rock and crevice before finally letting go. He will appeal to your strongest qualities and use them against your well-beingness.

You know yourself that it takes work in therapy and counselling before a person's light bulb comes on ... so his excitement to share his newly found enlightenment is shady, at the very least.

It appears to me that you are a shining light of example of how to do 'the right thing' in the right way, and a guide for others who face similar circumstances BPD or not.

I escaped with little else except the clothes that I wore ... and still, to this day five years later, my ex-wife sees me as a receptacle to dump her waste material and repeatedly tries to do so. He will get angry ... please, please, please stay guarded.

Best wishes for a brighter future.

[freefox]

How are you coping today?

What do you see as your next step?

Sunfl0wer,

Today is ok... .I received a lonnnnggg message from my H last night that has really taken an emotional toll. I definitely miss him like you mentioned, but I am able to identify that what I am missing is no longer a reality. I have to actively tell myself, multiple times a day, that I am doing the right thing, that this "effort" and heartfelt sentiment that he is trying to convince me of is only temporary and a result of panic/desperation, and that he does not have the insight nor the tools to make real change - let alone amends. What an emotional rollercoaster. I had bad dreams last night and woke up covered in sweat this morning.

My next step is to secure housing. I have applied for a condo rental and am awaiting the background check. I am very confident that I will get the place.

[freefox]

No children, only shared property is a lease (up October). I am hoping for news from my landlord tonight or tomorrow. This seems to be the issue I would need to talk about. Can't file for divorce for 2 more months, so no need to bring that up.

Hello Freefox,

You sound like a very brave, strong and reasoned person. I admire your courage ... everything you have committed to doing, in the last, past few weeks, must have been both challenging and fearful.

It seems to me that if you have come this far, and achieved what you have, having adopted full NC, that you can ride out the rest of this experience maintaining NC. So, I would question if there really is a 'need' to contact your husband, at all, reference the above highlighted point.

If you can navigate your way through this without feeling obligated to contact/reply to him, or to update him at all, you'll have both feet out of the door.

Speak to the people at your DV centre for guidance on this. Your husband WILL unleash every tool in his arsenal to rope you back. You know him best but I would wager that, unless he is a completely cold blooded lizard, he'll be experiencing acute anxiety, abandonment fears and feelings of desperation. He's at the precipice about to fall and he will cling to every branch, rock and crevice before finally letting go. He will appeal to your strongest qualities and use them against your well-beingness.

You know yourself that it takes work in therapy and counselling before a person's light bulb comes on ... so his excitement to share his newly found enlightenment is shady, at the very least.

It appears to me that you are a shining light of example of how to do 'the right thing' in the right way, and a guide for others who face similar circumstances BPD or not.

I escaped with little else except the clothes that I wore ... and still, to this day five years later, my ex-wife sees me as a receptacle to dump her waste material and repeatedly tries to do so. He will get angry ... please, please, please stay guarded.

Best wishes for a brighter future.

Caley - your words have really touched me   and I needed that today. It is so validating to hear, from someone else who has had similar experiences, tell me that I am on the right path. Thank you friend.

You are 100% right about him - he is experiencing acute anxiety, abandonment fears and feelings of desperation. He's panicking and clinging to every branch, rock and crevice before finally letting go of that cliff, definitely using what he knows will get to me most (promises of counseling, romance, the ability to have children and take time off from work and declarations of love, commitment, understanding). As appealing and convincing as it sounds, because yes he passionately believes these things, I know that it is not going to happen. Once again, it is constantly reminding myself of that, exhausting. His new-found knowledge and enlightenment is definitely bogus.

Thank you for your well wishes.

[Sunfl0wer]

Wow, good stuff!  

You are really taking great steps and movement towards caring for yourself!  I think the thing that caused me to want my relationships back is the frozen shock and stagnation I felt when things ended.

You seem to be hitting the ground running and going after what you need to care for yourself.  I think this is the most helpful thing you can be doing.  It keeps your thoughts focused forward and positive.

I have had to do a lot of reading around here about the bond that draws us back to these relationships to understand and process that my longings were not all for him and the relationship but a lot of what I hoped for and didn't have... .then and in my past.  Even when I intellectually understood stuff years ago... .my heart just had trouble following in sync with my mind.  This disconnect felt excruciating!

Your background seems to be serving you quite well.

Keep us posted!  Keep posting and asking questions!  

It does feel inspiring to hear your strength and resolve to care for yourself, thank you for sharing!