21 years in a BPD relationship

[moo22]

I have only just realised over the past couple of days that my partner of 21 years has BPD, I knew all was far from right in our relationship but each time we had a "bad episode" in our relationship where I would be determined to end it (but also fearful of the repercussions of doing that) there would be the apologies and the "I just want you, I just don't want our relationship to end) and so I feel needed and feel sorry for him because I realise he isn't a bad person at all but he just acts in a hurtful and bazaar way that normal people don't but has no control over it.  I feel like a fool for not ending it all years ago and so sad because I really do love him loads but I know it can't go on, it's not healthy and I have our 13 year old daughter to think about. How can I stay strong when sympathy for him always gets the better of me. Sorry if I've gone on a bit but I feel a bit overwhelmed, I feel as though all these years that a third shadowy entity has been in our relationship all this time and I could even see it.

[Jonathan Ricciardi]

He is a bad person, anyone who upsets someone they care about, is a bad person.  I'm shocked that you put up with it for 21 years, that is a long time.  I guess when a Therapist talks about the 4 stages of a BPD relationship, I guess they don't realize that every break up is bad.  But 4 stages and mine was over in 6 months... .yours 21 years? See now this makes even less sense.  I feel badly for you moo22, but advice here is exactly like reading a text book.

[Newton]

Hey moo22  ... .welcome to bpdfamily.com... .

I'm glad you have sought this place out... .equally sad you have needed to... .a relationship with someone suffering with BPD can be an absolute rollercoaster.  It's good to see you are seeking knowledge and putting yourself and your daughter as a priority right now... .

Many of us here have postponed ending an intolerable situation... .we listened to the apologies of our partner (words)... .then ignored, or became increasingly frustrated at the following repeated behaviour (truth).

Have you had a chance to look at the links here on 'FOG'?... .(Fear.  Obligation.  Guilt... .?)

These feelings can keep us motivated to participate in a cycle of drama... .if you can't find the relevant articles I'm sure someone could seek them out and post you links.

Kind regards... .

[moo22]

Thanks Newton, I will seek out those FOG links, I know I have played my part perfectly in this drama but seeing it written in black and white has made me wake up and snap out of it. I just feel I need to focus or the "fog" will engulf me again.

[Newton]

Jonathon525 ... .every member here is an individual... .we all have past experience and we make our own decisions accordingly... .you, me, moo... .everyone.

If moos partner has BPD... .his behaviour may well be 'bad' for her... .if that is the case it would be great if with time she recognises that and acts on it... .

Does that make her partner inherently 'bad'?... .(dangerous, unstable, incoherent, unpredictable, troubled... .very possibly).

You wrote ... "Anyone who upsets someone they care about, is a bad person".  Hmm, in the past I regularly upset my partners with BPD, unitentionally.  Nowadays I also upset people I care about by sticking to my morals and values... .by your logic both examples mean I'm a 'bad' person, are things this clear cut?

I'm not attempting to dismiss the severity of what moo has experienced at all... .most members here have been through the mill... .it's important we don't buy into the black and white thinking our partners immersed themselves in.

[moo22]

My partner isn't "bad" he's just lost but I have made the decision to no longer be lost with him. I have just read this on the Psychology Today website which seems to sum it up well "It's human nature to lash out at people you're close to. It doesn't mean that they don't love you all the same! If you also add in there a mental health disorder well then it's par for the course. A storm rages in them and they cannot tame it and when it overwhelms them they take it out on people they trust." That doesn't mean to say what they are doing is right and it certainly isn't good for the person on the receiving end but that person has to make the decision whether to tolerate the abuse or not.

[Newton]

what moo said