First Time Joining This Group

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I've been in recovery from codependency for about 6 years. I've been in a relationship with my sister for many more years! I tried therapy with her last year and after several months the therapist said we weren't getting anywhere (she stopped seeing us). When I talked to the therapist separately, she encouraged me to do what I needed to do to live my life. I went to therapy with my sister in the hopes of helping her. Now I accept that is just not possible and want to start helping myself instead. I'm currently giving myself a break from texting her because her texts and messages are full of judgment, criticism, and blame. I'm feeling a little guilty for not calling her but think it's a good decision to practice avoidance for now.

[SufferMySister]

I've been in recovery from codependency for about 6 years. I've been in a relationship with my sister for many more years! I tried therapy with her last year and after several months the therapist said we weren't getting anywhere (she stopped seeing us). When I talked to the therapist separately, she encouraged me to do what I needed to do to live my life. I went to therapy with my sister in the hopes of helping her. Now I accept that is just not possible and want to start helping myself instead. I'm currently giving myself a break from texting her because her texts and messages are full of judgment, criticism, and blame. I'm feeling a little guilty for not calling her but think it's a good decision to practice avoidance for now.

[busybee1116]

  Welcome! Sounds like you are in the right place.

I'm feeling a little guilty for not calling her but think it's a good decision to practice avoidance for now.

This sounds like a healthy boundary to me, not something to feel guilty about. Why do you feel guilty?

[SufferMySister]

It's a pretty usual feeling I get when I feel like I'm leaving her hangin. I know she suffers from BPD even though she's uBPD. So, I have a lot of compassion for her but I think I've been teaching her how to treat me all these years. She's not a horrible person but lately she's been explaining how I "make excuses for not showing up" even though we argued for two hours a few nights ago. She sent me some judgmental texts the following day, then yesterday she asked when we could schedule an appt to talk. I was more honest than usual and texted that I needed to do some self care so that I could have a reasonable, respectful conversation with her when I'm ready. I think this set her off. I think I did the right thing but I physically feel like I'm abandoning her. So feels kinda crappy.

[Panda39]

Hi SufferMySister,

I want to join busybee1116 and welcome you to the BPD Family.  Good for you taking care of you   Self-care is important particularly when you have a pwBPD (person with BPD) in your life.  You have set a boundary to protect yourself from verbal abuse that is a good thing, a healthy thing for you to do. 

I know this isn't the way you want things to be with your sister but we can't change others we can only change ourselves.  You can't change, or fix your sister but you can change how you interact with her so that it works better for you.  That is what boundaries do that is what you have done by cutting back on contact with her.

It sounds like your sister is using FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) or emotional blackmail to try and boundary bust.  Here is a link to some reading regarding FOG if you want to read more... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I also wanted to point out the box to the right --> Everything there is a link to more information.  You might want to check out the "Lessons" section when you have time.

I encourage you to continue to post.  There is a wealth of knowledge, experience, points of view and support here.

Again Welcome 

Panda39