I'm scared

[Noteliz]

Reading advice about how to cope with a BPD adult child and all articles say talk about love. I honestly don't feel like I love my daughter. I did at one time but this behaviour started when she was about 6-7 and she's 23 now. All this time it feels as if her goal has been to destroy me.

I have tried to find help for her, for me, since the beginning.

Now I'm scared there's no help for anyone. She's going to kill me and there's nothing I can do about it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[donnab]

Noteliz it really sounds like you need to make her move out. From your other post you are clearly being abused and you would not tolerate this from anyone else.

Next time she is out of control call the Police and have her removed/arrested. Press charges. Next time she runs the water when you are in the shower. Calmly say to her later you have decided you want to live in a peaceful house and will no longer live with this abuse. Either she stops it or you will need to put in the boundary she moves out. Next time she does it ask her to move out

Get the book I recommended on your other post. I promise it will help.

[Noteliz]

By Italian law an adult child who has no income has the right to live at home indefinitely. I was told this by police. I was also told I was a terrible mother for wanting to kick her out. Unless I have physical signs of abuse I can't do anything. If I have her arrested she'd go to jail and Italian prisons are like the worst type of hell you could imagine. I would rather die than do that. She's mentally ill and I get that. But it's  horrible.

[Kwamina]

Hi Noteliz,

Your daughter's behavior is quite concerning indeed. She is getting DBT but unfortunately is still exhibiting quite problematic behavior.

From your posts here and in that other thread it becomes clear that she's emotionally and psychologically abusive.

Now I'm scared there's no help for anyone. She's going to kill me and there's nothing I can do about it.

Dealing with an abusive child can be very difficult and it is clear that you are very concerned about what she might do to you. Has your daughter ever physically abused you (or anyone else)? Has she ever expressed wanting to physically hurt you?

[bpdmom1]

Just a thought, but can you move out and leave without letting her know where you are?  I know someone who moved out of his house and left his adult children at his house and didn't let them know where he was.  I'm unsure if he owned the house, was renting it or what.  It sounded extreme, but it looks like you need to be away from her.

Big Hugs!

[Noteliz]

This summer I'm planning on moving to another town. I can't go earlier because my youngest is in middle school and needs to finish.

I'll just have to hide out as much as possible in my room. Not having a job, or friends or family here I don't have anywhere to go to escape from it.

I have been physically attacked and the police have been called but they refuse to do anything.

[Kwamina]

It's very unfortunate that you don't have any friends or family that you feel could serve as a support network. You've also gone to the police but so far they have been unwilling to intervene.

How is your other daughter dealing with all of this? How does your 23 year old treat your youngest daughter?

We have some material here that can help you assess your current safety situation and help you move forward. I encourage you to take a look at it: Safety First

Take care

[nona]

I get you.

You sound pretty isolated. Me too. You can read my story

It is very difficult to come  to BPD websites, needing  help, and be told the only way you are gonna make it is if you have friends, family etc. etc. support. Therapists etc. etc.

That can be so depressing if you know the support doesn't exist for you.

It is a fact I am UNABLE to access the supports BPDF says is necessary to survive. Yet I am healing.

I trust many of us are in this situation.

You can make it.

This stuff gets way worse in isolation. I know this.

We needed a bigger house I couldn't afford alone.

Decided to share the big home with a roommate.

A woman friend 12 years older than me. She has a grown special needs daughter, so she gets some of it.

Helped both of us out financially, shared yard work , wood chopping etc. broke isolation in middle of nowhere.

HAVING A WITNESS CHANGED so much. OVERNIGHT.

UBPDD DID modify much of the behaviour with a witness around. I would say 50%. especially the violence.

It was such a surprise and PIVITOL.

It was the most validating thing that happened for me.

(after enduring an UBPDH for 10 years I was nearly broken when UBPD daughter started increasing her acting out.)

It really changed a lot, I got enough validation to detach. And to start healing MY PTSD.

It is hard to be an effective mom to an UBP Child during PTSD !

I got INSTANT VALIDATION that  it IS her, not me, I AM being abused, I did NOT hurt her, she hurt herself, she IS lying, manipulating, I am a good mom, I turn up, I am solid, loving and caring. DD claimed to authorities she was self harming, and that I was abusing her many ways.

HA ! That did not really work with a roommate... .a witness haha.

It is a longshot, but dear one. Move someone in. Move in with someone. Save yourself!

Even a stranger could be better than this. It is not a perfect solution, but it changed my life so incredibly much I could not have known .

After a year, I think it was too much for roommate, too intense. she moved.

But by that time, I had got my feet under me. I was much stronger and healing my PTSD.

I never knew it would help so much, and had I known I would have done it sooner. Live in a community house ... .anything.

Violence Changes out of ISOLATION.

join a church, join aa, I don't care what you join, join a fireman club and start having potlucks,.

the violence will decrease I promise.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Noteliz

How are things now?

The situation with your daughter is very challenging. I would also like to share some material with you about creating a family crisis safety plan:

Crisis Safety Plan: When a family member has Borderline Personality Disorder

This includes tips for preventing crises and for controlling potentially explosive situations. Here is an excerpt:

Below is a "what to do" list to use during a full-blown crisis.

1. Don't argue with the ill person that what he/she is seeing, hearing, or feeling is unreal. Assure the person that you understand what his/her are experiencing is real to him/her and you want to help.

2. Don't threaten. It may be interpreted as a power play and increase fear or encourage assaultive behavior.

3. Don't argue with other family members as to how to treat the situation. This creates more confusion.

4. Don't touch or have continuous eye contact with the patient. Don't turn your back on him/her.

5. Comply with reasonable, safe requests from the patient. This provides the patient with an opportunity to regain some of the control.

6. Don't block the doorway (However, try to keep yourself between the patient and an exit.)

7. Remember, do call the police if the person is violent. Most important, explain to police the details of the situation before they arrive so they will be prepared: i.e., how long the crisis has gone on; is the person suicidal; how has the person been violent; are there guns in the house; does the patient have a weapon of any kind.

8. Most importantly, understand that this illness is not your fault, nor is it the fault of the person in crisis. Mental illness is a biochemical disorder of the brain. It must be treated with the same attitude as a physical illness.

Unfortunately the police have so far been unwilling to step in, the other tips listed can also be very helpful though. This is just a short excerpt, if you click on the link to the crisis safety plan, you'll find a lot more information.