If I know her motivation, would my approach be any different

[formflier]

So, first of all, thanks to all my supporters out there that have pointed out things to me and given advice.

This has been a lifeline.


I see two big possibilities

1.  Moving back close to family has triggered some stuff, add to that job pressures, I am SAHD now, etc etc etc.  And she has backslid. 

2.  She and her family have had this figured for a while, and are putting pressure on me to conform to their ways or get out of the way.  Basically, that my wife plans to divorce me and is matching up her feelings to her plans.  Much easier to get rid of a chump than a good guy.


I know the exact date things went off the rails.  Night of the first hotel stay.  She got pissed after she found out I took oldest two to lunch while she was at work.  Later that night, said no to request to turn down TV.  You guys know the story.  While that day sucked, it seemed like an authentic BPDish episode.  Lot of it seemed so random and reactive that I can't see how it could have been staged or faked.

There are lots of things that line up nicely so that she has an iron fist of control on kids and things.  That stuff was put in place before the first meltdown.  It made sense due to move and at the time we each had more to do than was possible.  So division of labor regarding kids was appropriate. 

I'm not afraid of either scenario.  They both make me sad.  And angry.  There is a lot of "I don't deserve this" going on in my head.  Come on, give me some FF advice, fade to Unforgiven (best movie ever)  ":)eserve has nothing to do with it, " 

Anyway, is there anything I "should" be doing for one of them that would torpedo me for the other.  Would my approach to one or the other be radically different if I knew for sure.  I don't, but just thinking through strategy and consequences.

FF

[Fian]

I think it is #1.  I also think that she has now gotten into her head that you are going to take the kids away, and she is preparing for war.  You in turn, prepare for a legal battle as well, and both sides are arming themselves.  Let's just agree that this is a tense situation.

[teapay]

Your first option is probably in play but it is easy to see how your second one might be in play too in the mind of someone with BPD to some degree.  :)id you and you W move alot while you were in the service?  We moved 6 times in 12 years when I was in, including overseas tours and back.  My wife hated it and it was a major reason I got out.  But now that we are settled, it doesnt seem to have made a difference in her mental health.


I can definitely understand with you standing your ground on the things that are personally important to you.  If I didnt do that insanity would try to run rough shot over me.  You mentioned "standing" seemed to work before and she remitted to some degree.  Why do you think that was the case and not now?  Being closer to her family?  :)id you have some kind of leverage over her before that made her feel it was worth working with you on the relationship?  Sounds like she is using her family and job and accusations to exert pressure on you and trying to take a stand of her own.


As you frequently mentioned, standing your ground might result in disolution of the marriage.  With 8 kids and serious financial problems how would that look?  I know with 5 kids of mine own and a wife who is a teacher too (though not working), the resources for us to support two households of that size just aren't there even with her working.  It would be actually much, much worse for her than me.   I would likely get custody too.  Have you thought on what that would all look like?  I imagine you have.  Has your W?

[sweetheart]

Both areas are parts of the same issue. No.1 has escalated and triggered No.2. Everything  about this whole episode since before you moved even has BPD dysregulation written all over it.

What's slightly different here is your response to it, I don't think your current responses would be how you would coach one of us to deal with what's going on. I might be wrong.

I suspect your w can sense a shift in how you are being and this is I feel preventing her from returning to baseline functioning. She is confused and I would be too.

It's not that I don't understand your perspective, I do, but in dealing with BPD issues it's like you've done a U-turn.

Do you know the saying 'don't throw the baby out with the bath water?' meaning don't discard something valuable along with something undesirable.

The approach your using feels a bit like this. Like the BPD behaviours have returned full on, but in order to rid yourself of them, you inadvertently get rid of your w in the process.

I think if you opt for no.1, give your w a bit of time to settle in, slow down, reintroduce validation and kick out paranoia, things might start to stabilise.

[formflier]

 

Sweetheart,

I agree that my approach is a bit different.  Perhaps a lot.   Not saying I a doing it right and please keep comments coming.

Big theory:  I'm not interested in owning or putting much "salve" on stuff on her side of the street.  That is her business.  I'll work on the stuff on my side of the street. 

Conscious decision on my part, and I am still evaluating it.  The "set up" for counseling and my plan is to let her own her stuff, or ignore it, her choice.  I'm not going to be much help with it.

Reasoning:  My disabilities are stable, like many health things there are areas I can improve on, but I don't think there is much.  Yes, miracles can happen and I do sometimes pray about them.  But pretty much, it is, what it is.  My honest evaluation of what I have to give in future years is limited.

I describe it as I have a lot fewer "ands" in my life.

So, full time executive job AND carry things at home.  Not going to happen.  Quick history lesson:  My two executive jobs post retirement have ended in terminations, BPD related. 

Anyway, keep the comments coming, there may be an alternate course of action I haven't considered.  My wife is pushing for this counseling, harder than she has ever pushed before.  I take that as a good sign.

Thoughts?

FF

[KateCat]

Sweetheart gives excellent caution above regarding the danger of pushing the present situation toward crisis inadvertently. It's worth reading again a time or two.

Are you up for discussing the following?

My two executive jobs post retirement have ended in terminations, BPD related. 

I think I mentioned a time or two earlier that my father-in-law had to leave an executive position in early retirement due to the career-impacting behaviors of his paranoid schizophrenic child. So I'm wondering if you are experiencing a crossroads right now in terms of defining who you are going forward.

[formflier]

So I'm wondering if you are experiencing a crossroads right now in terms of defining who you are going forward.

Yes, very much so.

Probably haven't been as clear on the job thing posting here.  There are so many interlocking details of my/our life.

One of the reasons that I am not going "full on" with job search is that now that BPDish behavior has come back, I think it unwise for me to dump a large amount of time into something that I may not be able to support.  Also, less money is essentially a self limiting boundary.  When it is out, it is out.  Dumping another 6 figures in a situation would be adding fuel to the fire, IMO.

There is also my desires, independent of my wife and family.  Honestly, I am ambivalent about starting another career.  In fact, I tell people I would like to get a good job, but don't want to start a career where I am worrying about climbing to the top, etc etc.  Been there, done that, enjoyed it in the Navy. 

Hmm, ok, so going to some "deeper thoughts" and feelings here.  Some stuff I am and have been discussing in T, praying about. 

I very much have the sense that life is short and I need to prioritize.  Money is not that big a deal to me.  My friends, family and memories are a big deal.  They are my treasure,

So, uggg, it's even a bit hard to type.  Death and being in the military unfortunately go hand in hand.  I've put more squadron mates in the ground than I care to think about.  I erroneously thought that post retirement that would be over. 

The guy that I flew my retirement flight (flown countless hours with him) with was deployed overseas again for a last deployment prior to his retirement.  I've not had the courage to ask for or read the investigative report of his death, but from the details I have gathered (from those I trust), he had some sort of breakdown.  Reported to his command that he couldn't perform his duties and (incredulously) they sent him to his room to be alone.  Found him hanging a few hours later.

:'(

He was a solid man.  Left behind a wife and a big house full of kids as well.  Likely I will never make sense of it.

But all of this has really had me thinking for a long time about meaning of life and spending my time wisely and with intent.


FF

[Grey Kitty]

You've never described your wife as manipulative, Machiavellian, etc. before. *IF* she was that sort, you probably would have heard her talk about doing such things to other people when times were good or you were painted white.

If she never did that before, I'd assume she isn't starting.

If her FOO has that kind of history, and you know of it, they may be at it again. Again... .if you've never heard of it before, it probably isn't happening that way.