Hi Glit,
Over the years, I have been in more or less contact with my mother. At one point, around your age, I did take some time off from contacting her, also at the encouragement of a counselor. I think it was a good thing for me at the time.
The problem was that I was attached to my father, and remained in contact with him. Not understanding the relationship between them, I underestimated how enmeshed they were, and if I wanted to be in contact with him, it included her.
Eventually I married and had children. I wanted them have a relationship with my father, and he and my mother were a package deal. Fortunately, my mother was motivated enough to hold it together with the kids. Also, she was not alone with them ( ever, as far as I was concerned) and had no caretaking responsibilities so it was not a high stress situation for her.
The most difficult time for me was when my father began to age and his health failed. His caretakers assumed that he was going home to a traditional wife who was cooking for him and helping him. The cardinal rule in our FOO was that mother is normal and we don't tell a soul about her. I felt his well being was in danger and so spilled the beans to the medical staff- asking them to get social services and home health involved. At this point, my mother got angry at me, painted me black to him and other family members. I couldn't even speak to him on the phone without her listening in.
My father died several years ago. Emotionally, I don't relate to my mother as a parent. For me, the only person I was ever attached to as a parent is gone. However, since working on myself from a co-dependent standpoint, I can tolerate my mother better and not be triggered by her. She is an elderly widow and while she still has BPD and all the behaviors that go with it, I don't take them personally. I also don't expect "motherly" behavior on her part towards me. Yes, I wanted this as a child and young adult, and it was hurtful to not get this from her, but I see now that it was not possible for her to give me this.
This is how it appeared to me in retrospect. My parents were a package deal. I could not have a relationship with my father and not with her. IMHO, if you want a relationship with your father, and not with her, I would be careful about alienating her too much. I think it is great that you take a break from her, not contact her as much, but to also realize that to cut her off may also include the relationship with your father. Although it didn't look like it to me, for all purposes, emotionally, my mother and father were one person to each other. Some people may need to do this- be NC with both parents, for their own sanity, and you may as well. However, as long as they are together, it may be difficult to be in contact with only your father.
It is hopefully a long time until your parents pass away. There is hopefully a lot of different stages of life for you both before that: you may have kids, your parents will get old. When my mother was younger, I could choose to not be in contact with her on occasion. Now, she is an elderly widow, and alone, and this is different than when she had my father with her.
The biggest change for me is that, I have done a lot of personal work to deal with her, and also the effects of being raised in my family. Where you are is a lot like I was at your age-- it is exactly where you need to be
There is no way you can have the perspective of a middle age mom like I am. But know that we, as humans, continue to grow emotionally, ( BPD interferes with this to an extent) and so, your relationship to your parents will as well. What you are doing now, is exactly what you need to be doing as you start off on your marriage and career. However it may or may not be the decision you make for later.
I do not regret that my kids had a relationship with my father. They adored him, much like I did. They all know that my mother has a mental illness. It is amazing but they are not nearly as bothered by her behavior as I was- because they didn't have her as a mom- she can't trigger them and they thankfully have better boundaries than I did at their age.
However, every one of us is different, and our mothers are different. For some people, NC is the best choice, for others it is not. You will find your own way. I will leave you with this: although you are busy now, and your focus is on your education and future residency, the work we do on ourselves to learn and understand how our FOO's influenced us, and how to deal with them in an emotionally healthy way pays off in the long run, with them, and other people in our lives and it is an ongoing process. So when you do have the time to invest in yourself- like seeing the counselor, it is worth the investment.
You have taken one of many first steps to take care of you! One step at a time
