Humbled

[Rockieplace]

Just like to say, that reading some of the posts and stories on here has made me feel very humbled.  Yes, we are having a very challenging time ourselves with our adult daughter but on here I am hearing such a high level of empathy with the BPD under extremely difficult circumstances, it has made me think differently in my approach to my daughter.  I love my daughter very much but have found her behaviour so hurtful, not only to me but my whole family and beyond, for so long, my anger (not really expressed openly to her I hasten to add) has made me feel very bitter too.  She had so many advantages growing up that I didn't have that it makes it hard for me to pity her although her situation right now, I know, is truly pitiable.  However, after reading some posts on here (Wendydarling etc etc) I feel I must try harder not to take her words and behaviour so personally and soften my approach.  I tend to be a very practical person and have really concentrated on helping her in that way.  I now believe I have to just be gentler with her and generally a better person!  Watch this space!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi rockieplace

We reached a point where we had to change our approach. We're both such hard workers (I left home at 16) and didn't have any if the advantages our BPDs25 has had. Every opportunity has been thrown away, we have simply done far far too much for him. We have found things a lot calmer and we're hopeful he will eventually be independent. However there's a long way to go. We're currently trying to be emotionally supportive but it's not easy as he's distant, unkind.

I'm learning the communication skills on this site and have seen how they work, I have been able to have difficult topic conversations without BPDs rising and actually agreeing to do something. Unbelievable.

Good luck

L

[tristesse]

Hello Humbled.

I have been coming here for a long time now, almost two years in fact. My DD is 32 years old, and I was absolutely lost and feeling hopeless. I found this site and learned so many new things, but most importantly, I learned how to communicate with my daughter.

Sometimes a softer approach is all it takes, and sometimes not. I want you to know that when your attempts are unsuccessful, it doesn't mean you did something wrong. Sometimes no matter how empathetic we are, no matter how much we use SET or we don't JADE, etc. Our BPD loved one will still rage, or still argue. It isn't that we did something wrong, or didn't do something we should have, it's just a part of BPD and our loved one is having a moment.

I try to always remember What I read in the Book, Stop Walking On Eggshells, and it explains how a  BPD feels everyday all day. The constant noise in their head, the self loathing, the constant fear of rejection and abandonment. How horrible it must be to be them... .so I try to remember all of the ways that they feel when I am dealing with my BPD, in hopes that it helps me to understand her better, and to be a better parent to her because of that.

Anyway, good luck on your journey here, keep up the good work, and keep posting.

[AnotherWon]

I really love your post, Rockieplace.  I'm new here and like you, I had a lot of anger toward my son's behavior, but it felt more like I hated him.  :'(  Thank goodness for the tools and resources I've found here.  He's still relatively young, so I'm hopeful the change in my behavior will benefit him and us as a family.  And feeling less alone in this has been invaluable!  A lifesaver, really. 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[Rockieplace]

Thank you for your lovely replies and encouragement.  I am so relieved to be able to connect with people who understand what we are going through as, before this, my husband and I felt pretty isolated and baffled about what was happening.  I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells and quite a few other books.  Today I watched the video link on here about Validating etc which was very interesting and helpful too.  My daughter's problems seemed to be exacerbated by drugs (although maybe she was using drugs to dull the pain?).  She finally admitted to smoking 'a lot of weed' at university where she had her first serious mental health crisis and I can't help thinking that the drugs were a trigger.  We have gone over and over what could have caused this to happen to her and, although we know we weren't perfect - who is? - we are sure we gave her a very secure and loving home and she was doted on by our extended family as the first grandchild too.  I was listening to a programme about mental health on Radio 4 today and they strongly stressed that problems in childhood really raised the risk of mental and indeed physical illness dramatically but I found myself shouting at the radio in frustration.  However, they then said that trauma can occur pre-natally too!  Well, while I was pregnant with my daughter the Faulklands War was waged and I got extremely stressed over that and a couple of other very distressing events that happened to me personally at that time so I've decided that I can blame President Galtieri of Argentina or Margaret Thatcher or both ha ha!    Thanks again.

[AnotherWon]

Interesting!  I will just add, because it's sorta cool, while my son was at sober living he had the opportunity to hear Dr. Drew talk (that dreamy addiction specialist here in the US) and he talked about trauma in infancy and its relation to substance abuse.  So I wouldn't be surprised if it could happen in utero. So many factors, though, that I think our son just is the way he is.  Since I've been on these boards I'm a little less harsh on myself and his dad.