Question about my Therapist

[joeramabeme]

Hi All, I have a question about my T that I am hoping to get some clarity about.  I think she has been holding back information on me and I am not sure what, if anything, to do about it.  Here is a little background.

My individual T was also my marital T and is/has been my ex’s T for ~20 years.  During the course of ~6 years of marital therapy, I had multiple sessions with said T (who I am still seeing) about wife’s BPD traits and why wasn’t she addressing them.  T explained that wife suffered from PTSD and that my reactions to her behavior were exaggerated by my own diagnosis of the same. 

I felt T was not proactive – if not biased - and that had a negative impact on the outcome of my marriage.  I have confronted her several times about not calling out wife’s behavior and T told me that she did try to address it but her hands were tied because wife wasn’t ready to hear it – never mind the fact that she just didn’t come out and even try to say it.  The T’s comments seem disingenuous and have an air of dishonesty.  In short, I had never received the validation that I was seeking until... .

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, I had a session where the T tells me what she “theorizes” what my ex’s primary issues are.  In summary the T “theorized” the issue for her is, “personal security at any cost” and that this is what drove all her behaviors and went on to say that ex divorced me b/c I tripped the wire of her Father fears and became seen as being him – AKA ‘turned black’.  When I back-checked the T’s “theory”; all of a sudden many large and unfit pieces in my puzzle of confusion popped right into place.  Out of nowhere, and after the divorce, and after 6+ years of marital therapy and 20 years of wife’s individual therapy; the T just happens to have a “theory” (a word the T kept emphasizing) that fits perfectly!

I am beside myself.  I can only come up with 2 possibilities.  One, Ex had breakthrough (still sees same T) and I am hearing about it 3rd party style.  Two, T was playing games the whole time.  I vote #2

How come now 2 months post-divorce the T can provide a perfect understanding of spouses behavior and yet not a peep out of her even when I pleaded individually to step up and help me?  I feel duped, cheated, angry and want to tell her that she is an immoral being.  I wonder if the T has a repressed attraction for my ex?  They have seen each other for 20 years! 

Some of my upset is probably blaming the T for the responsibility my ex should have taken – yet, it is just another deep mark on a deep wound that seems to find new ways to hurt.  I am thinking about just leaving the T and finding another but don't even think it would be worth going through the stories all over again with a newbie.  More than anything, I just feel turned inside-out from what I thought I saw and what turns out to be reality.

[eeks]

Hi joeramabeme,

I have strong opinions on this topic... .I can't speak about your therapist, but I have observed that the quality of psychotherapy varies widely and that the vulnerability of clients that is the nature of the business means that some therapists can get away with being incompetent for a long time.

If I were you, I would be probably have strong feelings about what's going on too.

When did you start seeing this T individually?  6 years ago, or less than that?  I understand your feeling of not wanting to "tell the story all over again" to a new T.  I guess it comes down to, do you feel you can make progress with this person?  Have you so far?  

eeks

[Suzn]

I'm sorry you're angry joerambeme. I'd probably be angry too.

my marital T and is/has been my ex’s T for ~20 years.  ~6 years of marital therapy

Imho (so take with a grain of salt) Your ex's personal T (of 20 years) shouldn't have agreed to be your long term personal counselor, aside from maybe a few individual sessions to help with MC. It's a conflict of interest since you are discussing your wife's diagnosis without her present and then to not bring what is discussed into MC.

Just a few other thoughts. First, since you were going through a divorce she may not have felt comfortable saying much about your wife's diagnosis out of concern that you might quote her in the proceedings or out of fear of being subpoenaed. There could also be the possibility that this T isn't as experienced as you might think. It happens. My last thought is 20 years is a long time, some therapists will see you as long as you pay. My therapist will not do that, she will ask you what you are wanting to accomplish in therapy and work towards that. She has never told me I couldn't make an appt if I needed one however I know she won't see patients forever unless there's truly a need. It just lacks integrity. On the other hand, to be fair, there are also different types of therapists that have different approaches, it's impossible to say what this T's approach is.

I am thinking about just leaving the T and finding another but don't even think it would be worth going through the stories all over again with a newbie.  

Totally understandable. When I searched for a T I specifically looked for one with experience with pwBPD because I had hoped she would understand the big picture right away. She did. I am a recovering codependent and I told her I had just ended a relationship with a pwBPD. That told her volumes about me and she knew right where to start without having to tell her every detail. I was there to work on me, not the r/s. Whatever you decide, therapy is a very personal choice and you should feel comfortable with who you chose.

[valet]

Yeah, I'd bee ticked too.

If you feel that she's withholding information it might be a good idea to call her out on it. A good T should be open to a point, but they also can't disclose information about other clients to you. Obviously, there's a conflict of interest there with your ex, but if you're mad... .it's not going to go away on it's own. Taking action is the only way to really figure things out for yourself.

Evaluate again when you have more info. Good communication can do a lot of hard work. And we don't always need to let ourselves be stuck with that fear of shaking things up.

[jhkbuzz]

I would say to pay attention to your intuition, but with a caveat.

My ex (when we were still together and she was in therapy) told me that a common refrain she heard from her therapist  was, "You're the common denominator, M."

Translated? "The issues are yours... .the chaos in your r/s's exists in large part because of the chaos within you... ." - but she couldn't come out and say it plainly for fear of blowing my ex out of the water.  As my own therapist sometimes says, "no wine before its time." People can only hear what they are ready to hear. Pushing it can cause instability.

I agree that your wife's therapist should never have agreed to become yours. That's a slippery slope.

[Grey Kitty]

How come now 2 months post-divorce the T ... .They have seen each other for 20 years!

I'd not put too much energy into what was going with that T and your ex over 20 years, and why... .I'd take the much more pragmatic approach:

If your ex was in T with the same person for 20 years, and wasn't doing much better, and accomplishing things with the T, then that T wasn't able to help your ex effectively. It just doesn't take that long if there is any progress!

I wouldn't pay for T with somebody who has that kind of track record.

The choice to accept you as a client after that history is at best poor judgement. Again, not a T I'd have anything to do with.