Hey Ricoh, let's analyse what you observed. I'll start by saying that we cannot diagnose individuals, since we are not professionals; however, the patterns you've described are very evident and indicate BPD traits.
Well I have met her 3 years ago and started slowly dating her in an old fashioned manner.
It took about one month before we slept together and we enjoyed a fairly "normal" lifestyle of partners. Things started to get "weird" as there were little struggles with money, when she did not get her will right away. Often she was upset when I was a little late or did not get 100% the right meal (like a certain brand of food). The times with her were very happy, but as soon as I was away for more than 5 days in a row she seemed to snap and turn 180 degrees in her feelings. When I was near her she was warm, was I away she grew colder.
This is due to
fear of abandonment.
Red flags PHASE 1
I started to avoid some little traps (like beeing more punctual , although my work suffered largely) . The struggles were often times during shopping, when I did not buy a certain item for her (or for me) she chose. I knew that I was not herself talking, but it could usually be calmed in the evening.
Due to fear of abandonment, BPDs cannot really trust their partners, so they have to continuously test us by means of illogical arguments, fights, etc.
Red flags PHASE 2
Her disease became significantly worse when there was trouble from her university , for every bad grade I usually suffered a horrendous backlash. She said she was empty and started starving herself and cutting.
Starving and cutting are huge red flag indicators, since these are typical BPD traits (low self-esteem, suicidal ideations, auto-punishment).
Red flags PHASE 3
As she had no income on her own, she started to worry about money and future in general. She had no time to work (her words) but also little to no responsibility with money. The family started givin her a little, but it was never quite enough. I was working 3 (!) jobs at the time to maintain the rising costs . She occassionally had a phase of NC to chill out a little.
Even my exgf had very low responsibility about money; indeed, I had to offer her almost everything (e.g., when we went out for a dinner). She didn't care about my financial situation and expected that I cared about her, regardless of my needs.
Red flags PHASE 4
There were very often misunderstandings, like when I said something she felt directly attacked. We worked on our communication, but there were phases of TOTAL DISOBEDIENCE , when everything I said was wrong becaus I was "commanding" her (like: please enjoy the evening, I take care of that ===> DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO!)
Yeah, gaslighting, circular and irrational arguments, fights on nothing... .typical BPD behaviour. Also, realize that as the relationship progresses, BPDs start to see us more and more as an hypercritical parent (often, this coincides with their mother; note also that BPDs have often a very conflictual relationship with at least one of their parents, typically the mother).
PHASE 5 , ENDPHASE
She quit everything, said she had no more feelings and iniated total NC. She started updating whatsapp more frequently, adressing her new lover she met about 4 days prior by chance. Everything I did was "CRAZY" and "STALKING" .
She has quit in less than a week a tie made for nearly 4 years with the only person ALWAYS beeing there.
Even mine moved on extremely quickly, and regardless of my feelings. Again, this is normal and common for BPDs.
