Parent telling Child not to come home at night

[Sevasti]

My cousin appears to have some BPD characteristics and behaves waif-like. She is divorced with two teenage daughters, ages 16 and 14.  She also has a boyfriend who she sees about once a week and keeps apart from her daughters. When her boyfriend visits her apartment, my cousin tells her teenage daughters not to come home for the night. She doesn't help arrange over night visits at friends' homes, just tells the girls not to come home. It's up to the teenagers to make their own arrangements and get there. My cousin is rather detached, but at other times she seems caring. What do you make of this? Will the girls be harmed? If I report it to anyone, I'm concerned it may make things worse for the girls. But mostly I'm surprised to learn that a mother would tell teenagers not to come home so she can entertain her boyfriend. I suspect that they are smoking marijuana or something like it and that's part of the reason the girls are sent away.

[busybee1116]

This makes me sad. Teenagers are nearly adults but they are also NOT and need a safe place to stay and feel welcome. Even finding alternate places for them to stay makes me sad! Plus, not a great example to set for young women, I think. Do you have a sense for how your nieces feel about this? Do you live close enough that they can stay with you occasionally (if that's something you would want to do?)? Where's dad?

[Sevasti]

I have told the girls that they can stay with me anytime. I have a family and we can make it work. We live nearby. The girls are quiet about their mom and seem protective of her and/or ashamed to say what's happening. They are reluctant to reveal much.  I learned about my cousin telling her girls not to come home through my own children in whom the girls confided. I believe that they are telling the truth. The girls' father lives in the next town and appears to have many issues himself.  He sees them but is not someone they turn to in times of trouble. I feel so badly for the girls but want to make sure that I don't make a bad situation worse. How would I discuss the situation with the girls without criticizing their mother? How do I tell them that they should not be treated like this so that they have some self esteem? Or do I just let the girls stay at my house and say nothing?

[Eyeamme]

If it were me I would do the exact same. Let them know that you are there if they need a warm place to land.

[busybee1116]

How would I discuss the situation with the girls without criticizing their mother? How do I tell them that they should not be treated like this so that they have some self esteem? Or do I just let the girls stay at my house and say nothing?

I think the best thing you can do is just tell them they are always welcome to stay with you, just as you already have. If it becomes a regular occurrence, they'll trust you and you can then have a conversation about how they feel about it and you can do some supportive listening rather than criticizing your cousin. Since the girls confided in your kids first, make sure they also know you want the girls to feel welcome whenever they need to stay overnight. Keep it light? Teens are sponges. They know that actions speak louder than words and they will see you are a safe place both physically and emotionally. They're lucky to have you   

[busybee1116]

How's it going, Sevasti?