I'm really struggling

[gundam94]

Thank you... .all of you. I am trying my best to detach myself.

I guess one of the the things that's bothering me the most is: why? Why did she just compound lie after lie? If she "still loves me just not romantically" as she put it, why not just tell me? When she dumped me via text, why did she lie to me saying she didn't and just wanted to talk? Why did she tell me she was willing to try and save our relationship when she knew she wasn't coming back?

But most of all why did she make up all those horrible accusations? After all that she expects me to stay her best friend?  Expects me to act civil around her? Expects me to acknowledge her?

It doesn't make any sense to me. If she really cared. If I was really her best friend. If she really still "loves" me... .why not just tell me the truth. But she didn't. It turned into this overly dramatic sh!t show. I don't understand.

I am a very rational person. If you ask me why I did or said something, I will have an answer. And the answer will have some logic to it. My biggest frustration through this experience has been expecting the same from my ex-gf. Her career side is very logical, but her relationship side is not. She cannot answer why she makes certain decisions or reacts the ways that she does. She just does it. That causes my mind to just go in a spin-loop trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. Do you feel the same in your situation?

Healing is a progression. Analyzing the heck out of a situation is one step along the way. Unfortunately, sometimes analysis won't give you the answers you are looking for, especially with someone who has a PD.

Peace to you!

Yes. That pretty much describes my ex. When it came to school and things like that she I'd absolutely brilliant. In that respect she's going to be incredibly successful. But when it comes to relationships... .she acts like she's 5. She puts up a very convincing front that she's this caring and outgoing person. But that's all it is, a front.

All she has cared about is herself. Looking back it's pretty obvious to me now. But at the time I thought it was the right thing to do. She's still in college and I didn't want to take up to much of her time. But I still wanted to see my girlfriend. She put effort into seeing her friends (especially Nick) then she did to see me. I was put in a terrible situation. She did that a lot to me.

I had therapy today. I asked my therapist the same "whys" I asked here. My therapist said "It because she is incredibly immature. She put her own feelings and needs above yours. She knew what she was doing was wrong and she didn't care. And in the end she tried to have her cake and eat it too. She only cares about herself."

And my therapist is right. My ex has always only cared about herself.

I over analyze things too. That's why I'm having such a hard time with this. While some things make sense now, the overall mess does not. Because the person I fell in love with. The person who was my best friend. The person I knew for 4 years... .That person wouldn't do all this. This cold, heartless and just horrible person that did all this, I have never met before. The entire time we were fighting it was like I was dealing with a complete stranger. The very logical and reasonable person I knew was gone. No matter how much I tried to explain how I felt, she just didn't care. She was just me, me, me, me, me. I was the only one going us, us, us.  

I'm beginning to realize that the woman I fell in love with doesn't really exist. I'm beginning to realize that our entire relationship was a lie. While I did make mistakes, my heart was always in the right place. All I ever tried to do was to love her and make her happy. I gave and gave and gave. All she did was take. She did give, but only when it was convenient for her. I deserve much better then what I got from her.

[Learning Fast]

I'm beginning to realize that the woman I fell in love with doesn't really exist. I'm beginning to realize that our entire relationship was a lie. While I did make mistakes, my heart was always in the right place. All I ever tried to do was to love her and make her happy. I gave and gave and gave. All she did was take. She did give, but only when it was convenient for her. I deserve much better then what I got from her.

Gundam94,

Although hard to process and accept, this a very accurate summary and shows that you've been able to step back somewhat and look at the relationship more objectively.  If it gives you any solace the same thing will happen to Nick and whomever follows.

Remember:  Time + Distance = Clarity + Objectivity

Keep detaching and as hard as it may be NC is the best solution.  I've been NC (including no communication, asking others about her or random "drive bys" as well) for 2 months and doubted others on these boards when they said that it does get better with time. 

Believe me---it does get better, much better---as I feel exponentially better at 2 months than I did at 2 weeks.

Hang in there, read others comments and post whenever you feel yourself weakening.

LF

[gundam94]

I'm beginning to realize that the woman I fell in love with doesn't really exist. I'm beginning to realize that our entire relationship was a lie. While I did make mistakes, my heart was always in the right place. All I ever tried to do was to love her and make her happy. I gave and gave and gave. All she did was take. She did give, but only when it was convenient for her. I deserve much better then what I got from her.

Gundam94,

Although hard to process and accept, this a very accurate summary and shows that you've been able to step back somewhat and look at the relationship more objectively.  If it gives you any solace the same thing will happen to Nick and whomever follows.

Remember:  Time + Distance = Clarity + Objectivity

Keep detaching and as hard as it may be NC is the best solution.  I've been NC (including no communication, asking others about her or random "drive bys" as well) for 2 months and doubted others on these boards when they said that it does get better with time.  

Believe me---it does get better, much better---as I feel exponentially better at 2 months than I did at 2 weeks.

Hang in there, read others comments and post whenever you feel yourself weakening.

LF

Thanks LF. I can honestly say I'm doing better today then I was a month ago. Granted I still have my bad days. Days where I miss her and would do anything to get her back. But they seem like they are getting farther in between popping up. I have been keeping NC. As difficult as it gets sometimes, I'm keeping it. I don't even drive past the place she works at. Which unfortunately happens to be right across the street from my apartment. Don't worry. I live in a secured building and I know how to protect myself.


That's one of the really terrible things about this. She had such a sheltered life when I met her, I took her to all the interesting spots I go to. Unfortunately all those places are now associated with once happy now very painful memories. For example I was shopping a few weeks ago and I saw that Specter (the new James Bond movie) had come out on DVD. I thought "hey cool, I saw this and it's a really good movie". Then I remembered that I saw it with her. In what turned out to be our last date. Which also happened to be my birthday. Which by the way she had originally had plans to do something with a friend of hers. She never asked if I wanted to do anything. She came over the day before hand and stayed for all of 10 minutes. She did end up canceling her plans and we spent my birthday together.

Anyways, I started crying in the store, holding the DVD to my chest. I'm sure I looked like I was insane. But I didn't think that just 3 weeks after that she would dump me. I didn't think that while we were in the theater, holding hands, she no longer loved me. I took her to lunch and we had a great wintery view of our Great Lake. We held hands and had our legs interlocked and she was pursuing Nick behind my back. We had a lot of fun that day and she was already thinking about leaving me. We held hands on the drive home. It was the most fun we had together in a few months. She was so happy, I thought the rough spot was behind us. I was very very wrong.


It's been a boring week at work. My machines haven't been working so all I do is sit and think. Today something was really bothering me. I've had this overwhelming desire to contact her since I found out the truth about everything. So I wrote her what I'm calling "My final Email to my Ex". In it I called her out on all her lies and I threw the guilt she liked to use on me so much back in her face. I may or may not send it to her. If I do it won't be for a long time or I may never send it. Could I post it here and get input from all of you?

As far as Nick goes... .he is a huge downgrade. I know I'm not perfect, I know I have my issues. But at least I have my $hit together. I know Nick, he's not a bad guy. But he is very much a doormat. I may have been a doormat when it came to her, but that was it. Nick is very much a push over. His last girlfriend was only dating him to get back at her previous boyfriend. Then she left Nick and got back together with her ex. It was obvious to everyone that she was doing that. Obvious to everyone except Nick. His girlfriend before that one left him because he refused to have sex with her. Last time I talked to Nick, he wasn't sure if he even liked girls. He is attracted to guys to. He wasn't sure if he is bi or gay. My ex is bi by the way. I remember my ex telling me once that Nick hot his @ss kicked by his friends "just for fun". He likes to make plans and cancel them at the last minute or just not show up. So that's Nick in a nutshell. She left me for that? Good luck. He is her own age and part of her church so she's not going to have to keep it a secret like she had to with me. That's one of the things I found out. She "just wants a normal relationship". That's what I thought we had. I guess I was very wrong.

[gundam94]

I just want this to stop. I am so tired of her being in my mind. I'm so tired of being torn apart because of her. I know it's not true but I still blame myself. I still find myself thinking "what if... .". I'm still clinging to hope she'll come back... .that everything will be ok again. I know it's not true... .but the thoughts just won't go away.

I don't want to be in pain anymore. I'm tired of all this self doubt and self hate. I'm tired of missing her. I'm tired of loving her. It would be so much easier if I could just hate her but I can't. I know I'm not this horrible person she made me out to be but her words still haunt me.

She has completely destroyed me and she just walked away like it was nothing. Even if it wasn't real, I feel like I was teased with the perfect "happily ever after" and it was taken away from me just when it was in reach. I don't know who I should be angry at. Her? Myself? All of my insecurities have just gotten worse. I'm terrified I ruined my once chance at finding someone. I'm terrified I'll never be able to love someone like that again. I'm terrified I'll never be able to trust somebody like that again. I'm terrified I'm never going to find someone.

I hate these ups and downs. I was doing so well the past few days. Now I find myself believing everything she said. That it's all my fault and I'm this horrible person. That I was the one who drove her from me. I know this isn't true but... .it's hard to shut that voice up. Even after all that I have learned, even after 2 months... .she has her hooks still in deep.

I'm sorry for my emotional rant.

[C.Stein]

I just want this to stop. I am so tired of her being in my mind. I'm so tired of being torn apart because of her. I know it's not true but I still blame myself. I still find myself thinking "what if... .". I'm still clinging to hope she'll come back... .that everything will be ok again. I know it's not true... .but the thoughts just won't go away.

I don't want to be in pain anymore. I'm tired of all this self doubt and self hate. I'm tired of missing her. I'm tired of loving her. It would be so much easier if I could just hate her but I can't. I know I'm not this horrible person she made me out to be but her words still haunt me.

She has completely destroyed me and she just walked away like it was nothing. Even if it wasn't real, I feel like I was teased with the perfect "happily ever after" and it was taken away from me just when it was in reach. I don't know who I should be angry at. Her? Myself? All of my insecurities have just gotten worse. I'm terrified I ruined my once chance at finding someone. I'm terrified I'll never be able to love someone like that again. I'm terrified I'll never be able to trust somebody like that again. I'm terrified I'm never going to find someone.

I hate these ups and downs. I was doing so well the past few days. Now I find myself believing everything she said. That it's all my fault and I'm this horrible person. That I was the one who drove her from me. I know this isn't true but... .it's hard to shut that voice up. Even after all that I have learned, even after 2 months... .she has her hooks still in deep.

I'm sorry for my emotional rant.

I've been in the exact same spot as you, and still am to some extent even at 7 months since being thrown away like trash.  I also still feel very conflicted at times ... .what would I do if she reached out (which is highly unlikely).  I both hate and love her at the same time right now.

The road will get easier my friend.  I know it is hard to let go when you still feel so strongly attached to her, when you are left with more questions than answers.  At times I still feel very attached which is why I am still emotional.  I desperately want to find the place of indifference, to just not care anymore about her, what she did to me or the dream she stole that I shared with her and only her.  I need to accept that she did what she did and be thankful that it ended now instead of after marriage and kids.

I am certain my ex is saying the same things about me, blaming me for everything.  I hear her in my head using that "voice" telling whoever will listen how I did or didn't do this or that, how my replacement is so much better than me, how I destroyed her life, waste of time, blah blah blah ... .that is assuming she even thinks of me at this point.  This is all projection ... .shifting responsibility and shame away from herself and onto me.  I have become her scapegoat for all the recent problems in her life, whatever they are.  Eventually the replacement will take my place but I believe she will still find a way to blame me for certain things. 

This is all extremely difficult to reconcile, how someone who seemed to love and adore you more than life itself could be so thoughtless, cruel and cold hearted.  Accepting this one thing is second only to her replacing me a couple of months prior to throwing me away.

Keep your eyes forward, keep pushing through the mudpit of pain and despair.  As much as you struggle now know that they will strengthen you and eventually you will be able to walk out of the mud and onto solid ground again.

[gundam94]

I just want this to stop. I am so tired of her being in my mind. I'm so tired of being torn apart because of her. I know it's not true but I still blame myself. I still find myself thinking "what if... .". I'm still clinging to hope she'll come back... .that everything will be ok again. I know it's not true... .but the thoughts just won't go away.

I don't want to be in pain anymore. I'm tired of all this self doubt and self hate. I'm tired of missing her. I'm tired of loving her. It would be so much easier if I could just hate her but I can't. I know I'm not this horrible person she made me out to be but her words still haunt me.

She has completely destroyed me and she just walked away like it was nothing. Even if it wasn't real, I feel like I was teased with the perfect "happily ever after" and it was taken away from me just when it was in reach. I don't know who I should be angry at. Her? Myself? All of my insecurities have just gotten worse. I'm terrified I ruined my once chance at finding someone. I'm terrified I'll never be able to love someone like that again. I'm terrified I'll never be able to trust somebody like that again. I'm terrified I'm never going to find someone.

I hate these ups and downs. I was doing so well the past few days. Now I find myself believing everything she said. That it's all my fault and I'm this horrible person. That I was the one who drove her from me. I know this isn't true but... .it's hard to shut that voice up. Even after all that I have learned, even after 2 months... .she has her hooks still in deep.

I'm sorry for my emotional rant.

I've been in the exact same spot as you, and still am to some extent even at 7 months since being thrown away like trash.  I also still feel very conflicted at times ... .what would I do if she reached out (which is highly unlikely).  I both hate and love her at the same time right now.

The road will get easier my friend.  I know it is hard to let go when you still feel so strongly attached to her, when you are left with more questions than answers.  At times I still feel very attached which is why I am still emotional.  I desperately want to find the place of indifference, to just not care anymore about her, what she did to me or the dream she stole that I shared with her and only her.  I need to accept that she did what she did and be thankful that it ended now instead of after marriage and kids.

I am certain my ex is saying the same things about me, blaming me for everything.  I hear her in my head using that "voice" telling whoever will listen how I did or didn't do this or that, how my replacement is so much better than me, how I destroyed her life, waste of time, blah blah blah ... .that is assuming she even thinks of me at this point.  This is all projection ... .shifting responsibility and shame away from herself and onto me.  I have become her scapegoat for all the recent problems in her life, whatever they are.  Eventually the replacement will take my place but I believe she will still find a way to blame me for certain things. 

This is all extremely difficult to reconcile, how someone who seemed to love and adore you more than life itself could be so thoughtless, cruel and cold hearted.  Accepting this one thing is second only to her replacing me a couple of months prior to throwing me away.

Keep your eyes forward, keep pushing through the mudpit of pain and despair.  As much as you struggle now know that they will strengthen you and eventually you will be able to walk out of the mud and onto solid ground again.

Thank you. You put into words exactly how I'm feeling.