My exBPD has been living with me and my family for 3 weeks and I want here to go

[paperlung]

Hey, guys. Long time member here, unfortunately.

Lemme give you a quick run down on the situation.

I broke up with my ex-girlfriend who is diagnosed with BPD back in 2012. She's dated and slept with many, many men since then, but has always reached out to me after a break up.

Anyways, near the end of this January she told me she felt like she had nowhere to go. She's always moving around, staying with different people, but usually ends up back at her dad's place which she hates. So she tried staying with her sister for like a week and that didn't work out, so I said she could come stay with me and my family for a while.  

I'm currently helping her get DBT. I've been paying for the sessions and have been driving her to and back from them. She can't afford it. Well, sometimes she can't. She gets income assistance and some money off YouTube every month. But that goes fast. YouTube is basically her job. She can't work and function like a normal person 5 days a week for 8 hours. Which is why I want her to start taking her YouTube more seriously because she could be making a lot more money off it. It's basically that or go back to cam modeling which she doesn't want to do ever again.

She's been living on my bedroom floor on a mattress. Sometimes I'll sleep on the mattress, other times we'll both sleep in my single bed. She can be very needy and always wants to cuddle and stuff, which has made things difficult for me because I still have feelings for her/love her but know I could never be with her. One night she told me she loved me and it caught me off guard. I asked her since when and she answered that she didn't know.

A week ago I found out she had started to actively look for a 'domdaddy' I guess to have sex with. I told her that I was very uncomfortable and bothered by the idea while she was staying with me and told her that if she wanted to have sex with random guys off Tinder to just go back to her dad's place. She called me controlling. Her and I had a big argument, even my mom got involved. I basically made it clear to her: if you want to continue sleeping/hooking up with random guys, take it somewhere else. I don't want guys coming to my place all the time picking you up and dropping you off.

We dropped the subject, and for the past week things were going pretty well until today. When I got home around 6 she was all done up and ready to go out. I knew right away she was going to out to meet someone. Told her she'll have to leave and to take her things with her. She called me controlling some more, which got me pretty upset. I don't want to control her, but at the same time this all bothers me so much. I'd rather she just not do it while living with me or just go some place else to do it. I asked her sarcastically she was going out to meet a daddy and then she opened up her water bottle and poured it all over my bed. I threw her purse/bag out my bedroom door and then put my hand on her back and briskly walked her out of my bedroom. She then told me she could charge me for that!

But anyways, she went out for the night for a hook up. Told her she has to grab all her things and leave once she gets back. I just can't do it. I can't put up with it. It bothers me. I wish I didn't care and that she could stay here but I care/love her and... .yeah. And it doesn't help that she's told me things while she's been staying with me like, "I love you" or ":)o you want to date again?" or "We'll get married one day"... .all of which she's gone back on the next day or two with things like, "Oh I don't love you like THAT!" or "Oh I just curious if you'd date a mentally ill person" or "I thought that's what would make you happy! Marriage!" I feel like she's just manipulating me saying stuff like that, just trying to butter me up because she knows I still love her.

And about her meeting/hooking up with new guys, she told me after her latest 'break up' in January that she was done with men/with Tinder. That nothing good ever came from using Tinder, ect. I took that into account when I let her stay with me. I should've laid the rules out before she came to stay... .I honestly didn't expect her to want to do this this quickly.

[Driver]

Hi Paperlung,

I have mixed feelings when I read your post. I don't want to sound judgmental, but you haven't drawn clear boundaries with your exBPDgf. She'll never do it due to her illness. As long as you respond to her attention and needs, she'll be clinging and have difficulties to move on with her life. I am not sure that what you have been doing for her is helpful in the long term. A clear and clean break up would be preferable, unless you yourself don't want to move on with your life.

[paperlung]

Hi Paperlung,

I have mixed feelings when I read your post. I don't want to sound judgmental, but you haven't drawn clear boundaries with your exBPDgf. She'll never do it due to her illness. As long as you respond to her attention and needs, she'll be clinging and have difficulties to move on with her life. I am not sure that what you have been doing for her is helpful in the long term. A clear and clean break up would be preferable, unless you yourself don't want to move on with your life.

Hi Diver, thanks for replying.

What do you mean exactly by clear boundaries? I already made it clear to her that if she wanted to continue to hook up with random guys off the internet while living me, then she would have to leave. That boundary was crossed tonight.

I foolishly thought she could come here and just heal for a while. Get weekly therapy, focus on growing her YouTube channel, and go from there. I should've known better. Now she's threatening me with suicide if I make her go back to her dad's.

Before she even came to stay here she told me how tired she was of men and how nothing good ever came from using Tinder. I assumed she wasn't interested in messing around anymore. Oh how quickly she can change her mind.

[Driver]

Hi Paperlung,

I have mixed feelings when I read your post. I don't want to sound judgmental, but you haven't drawn clear boundaries with your exBPDgf. She'll never do it due to her illness. As long as you respond to her attention and needs, she'll be clinging and have difficulties to move on with her life. I am not sure that what you have been doing for her is helpful in the long term. A clear and clean break up would be preferable, unless you yourself don't want to move on with your life.

Hi Diver, thanks for replying.

What do you mean exactly by clear boundaries? I already made it clear to her that if she wanted to continue to hook up with random guys off the internet while living me, then she would have to leave. That boundary was crossed tonight.

I foolishly thought she could come here and just heal for a while. Get weekly therapy, focus on her growing her YouTube channel, and go from there. I should've known better. Now she's threatening me with suicide if I make her go back to her dad's.

By clear boundaries I meant that when you break up with someone you don't sleep in the same room and certainly not cuddle in bed or live with that person any more. How can any of you move on with your life in such a situation?

What is obviously not clear boundary is that she apparently can stay over, but she can't date other men. Why not? You broke up, didn't you?

What I am trying to say is whether she dates other men or not, if I were you, I wouldn't have let her stay at my place given the fact that the r/s is over.

She's threatening you to commit suicide now, but even if she hadn't lived with you she'd probably threaten you with it for "abandoning" her.

I think that the best way to solve this is that you on your own see a therapist specialized in BPD and ask for advice what to do next, because you seem to be stuck in a dead-end street.

[Turkish]

I lived with my Ex for over 4 months while she was in a r/s with another man. My boundaries, besides almost begging her to leave, were detachment. No hugging, afection, or deep conversations. Any deviations were attachment, and prolonging my pain. Boundaries were key.

[paperlung]

Hi Paperlung,

I have mixed feelings when I read your post. I don't want to sound judgmental, but you haven't drawn clear boundaries with your exBPDgf. She'll never do it due to her illness. As long as you respond to her attention and needs, she'll be clinging and have difficulties to move on with her life. I am not sure that what you have been doing for her is helpful in the long term. A clear and clean break up would be preferable, unless you yourself don't want to move on with your life.

Hi Diver, thanks for replying.

What do you mean exactly by clear boundaries? I already made it clear to her that if she wanted to continue to hook up with random guys off the internet while living me, then she would have to leave. That boundary was crossed tonight.

I foolishly thought she could come here and just heal for a while. Get weekly therapy, focus on her growing her YouTube channel, and go from there. I should've known better. Now she's threatening me with suicide if I make her go back to her dad's.

By clear boundaries I meant that when you break up with someone you don't sleep in the same room and certainly not cuddle in bed or live with that person any more. How can any of you move on with your life in such a situation?

What is obviously not clear boundary is that she apparently can stay over, but she can't date other men. Why not? You broke up, didn't you?

What I am trying to say is whether she dates other men or not, if I were you, I wouldn't have let her stay at my place given the fact that the r/s is over.

She's threatening you to commit suicide now, but even if she hadn't lived with you she'd probably threaten you with it for "abandoning" her.

I think that the best way to solve this is that you on your own see a therapist specialized in BPD and ask for advice what to do next, because you seem to be stuck in a dead-end street.

I saw a therapist that specializes in BPD almost three years ago after she cheated/left me. I was basically told to just move on. It's my fault for letting her back into my life like this. I just care too damn much.

Bottom line is, I shouldn't have told her she could stay with me. She's my ex! Yeah, I love her/care about her, but this now is causing me too much stress and anxiety. I'd rather not know what she's up to, which is why she can just go back to her dad's and date.

[Driver]

Detaching oneself is extremely difficult, but for pwBPD detaching can be even more difficult (multiply by 5).

I know that all of us who have been in such a r/s are extremely hurt, but there is a point in your life when you have to say to yourself, now I want to survive.

Very often I see a r/s with a pwBPD as wanting to save her from a sinking ship, but all she does is pulling you down with the sinking ship. There comes the point when you have to decide whether you are going to sink with that person, or whether you are going to abandon the ship all-together in order to survive.

It's sad, but we have to come to conclusion that the only solution is to actually get the whole ship out of water. Well, unfortunately, we know we have no strength to lift the whole ship out of water with our bare hands. We are supposed to be carried by the ship and not us carry the ship, it's too much for anyone's shoulders.

[Driver]

I lived with my Ex for over 4 months while she was in a r/s with another man. My boundaries, besides almost begging her to leave, were detachment. No hugging, afection, or deep conversations. Any deviations were attachment, and prolonging my pain. Boundaries were key.

I don't know how you managed to live like that. I would have been destroyed from inside out.

[paperlung]

Detaching oneself is extremely difficult, but for pwBPD detaching can be even more difficult (multiply by 5).

I know that all of us who have been in such a r/s are extremely hurt, but there is a point in your life when you have to say to yourself, now I want to survive.

Very often I see a r/s with a pwBPD as wanting to save her from a sinking ship, but all she does is pulling you down with the sinking ship. There comes the point when you have to decide whether you are going to sink with that person, or whether you are going to abandon the ship all-together in order to survive.

It's sad, but we have to come to conclusion that the only solution is to actually get the whole ship out of water. Well, unfortunately, we know we have no strength to lift the whole ship out of water with our bare hands. We are supposed to be carried by the ship and not us carry the ship, it's too much for anyone's shoulders.

I'm unsure how to handle this relationship with her after she comes back for her things. Walk away or still lingering around as a supportive figure in her lonely, chaotic life.

[Driver]

Detaching oneself is extremely difficult, but for pwBPD detaching can be even more difficult (multiply by 5).

I know that all of us who have been in such a r/s are extremely hurt, but there is a point in your life when you have to say to yourself, now I want to survive.

Very often I see a r/s with a pwBPD as wanting to save her from a sinking ship, but all she does is pulling you down with the sinking ship. There comes the point when you have to decide whether you are going to sink with that person, or whether you are going to abandon the ship all-together in order to survive.

It's sad, but we have to come to conclusion that the only solution is to actually get the whole ship out of water. Well, unfortunately, we know we have no strength to lift the whole ship out of water with our bare hands. We are supposed to be carried by the ship and not us carry the ship, it's too much for anyone's shoulders.

I'm unsure how to handle this relationship with her when she comes back for her things.

The problem is that telling her to go away will trigger her as she will feel you are abandoning her.

It will probably create some drama as she might distort and twist the whole situation. Try to stay composed and maybe try to talk about it when she calms down. Be careful with her rages. Maybe I'd start by not letting her sleep in the same room any more and don't stay alone with her any more. Be sure to have witnesses around you.

[paperlung]

Detaching oneself is extremely difficult, but for pwBPD detaching can be even more difficult (multiply by 5).

I know that all of us who have been in such a r/s are extremely hurt, but there is a point in your life when you have to say to yourself, now I want to survive.

Very often I see a r/s with a pwBPD as wanting to save her from a sinking ship, but all she does is pulling you down with the sinking ship. There comes the point when you have to decide whether you are going to sink with that person, or whether you are going to abandon the ship all-together in order to survive.

It's sad, but we have to come to conclusion that the only solution is to actually get the whole ship out of water. Well, unfortunately, we know we have no strength to lift the whole ship out of water with our bare hands. We are supposed to be carried by the ship and not us carry the ship, it's too much for anyone's shoulders.

I'm unsure how to handle this relationship with her when she comes back for her things.

The problem is that telling her to go away will trigger her as she will feel you are abandoning her.

It will probably create some drama as she might distort and twist the whole situation. Try to stay composed and maybe try to talk about it when she calms down. Be careful with her rages. Maybe I'd start by not letting her sleep in the same room any more and don't stay alone with her any more. Be sure to have witnesses around you.

Well I don't want her staying with me and my family any longer after tonight. I made that pretty clear to her already that when she comes back, it's just to collect her belongings and go. She can either go back to her dad's or maybe this new guy off Tinder will house her. I need to move on from her, and it's become clear to me that I can't if she's living with me. It's the aftermath of all this I'm thinking about now.

[Driver]

I don't want to sound negative, but from my own experience and all of those on this board, break-ups with pwBPD are tough. Prepare psychologically for drama and especially as I said don't be alone with her. Have witnesses around. Hang in.

[paperlung]

I don't want to sound negative, but from my own experience and all of those on this board, break-ups with pwBPD are tough. Prepare psychologically for drama and especially as I said don't be alone with her. Have witnesses around. Hang in.

I'm honestly afraid of my safety if I need to drive her back to her dad's along with her stuff once she returns from her one-night stand. Like, I'm afraid she'll try to take control of the wheel or something crazy like that to cause an accident. I may need her to take a cab, although she'll argue against it because of "all her stuff" she would have to carry.