Does this sound like BPD? (Ex's SO)~

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi All

First post here - just looking for answers I guess.

My ex left me a few months ago, after 11 years, for another woman.  He said she was an amazing woman - kind, demure, gentle, loving and they had so much in common and liked all the same things.

Things seemed fine, for a few weeks, then the problems started.  He doesn't tell me everything, I'm his ex, but he does tell me quite a lot because 'I'm still his best friend'.

So here is what I can tell you.

The problems started around week 5 or 6 when she would kick off over silly things - like him turning up 30 minutes later than he said he would.  He said she went 'distant' and he 'wasn't sure if they were in a relationship or not'.  After the initial honeymoon period, he seemed to do all the chasing.  One week when he was working nights he didn't text her at all, just to test her, and she didn't text him back once.  But at the end of the week she got a friend of hers to text him to tell him he was a dick for not texting!

Early on in the relationship she showed him abusive text messages from her last 2 boyfriends and told him how horrible they were to her.  He even said 'she's such a victim'.

She had a meltdown over a photograph of him with his NIECE because she said they were inappropriately close on the photo.  She kicked off when he bumped into the dental receptionist in town and accused him of having an affair.  She is insanely jealous of me, and hates the fact he has to come here to collect our daughter and therefore have contact with me. I  went out for a meal with his sister and to 'punish & humiliate' me she 'accidentally' tagged me, and his Dad, in a photograph of the 2 of them together so it emailed the photograph to me and all his family saw it - which isn't actually possible as we aren't friends on Facebook.

He was late when it was her daughters birthday and she got extremely angry with him saying he 'ruined her daughters birthday' - even though the child isn't his and probably didn't care less.

She briefly kept a job for a few weeks but then left because 'everybody was mean to her'.  She was on benefits prior to that and went to the JobCentre to have her benefits fast-tracked back into place in tears saying she never saw her kids.  And then left the Jobcentre and put on an entirely different happyface once she had achieved her aim.  She didn't inform her employer she wasn't going back.  Just didn't go in, deleted Facebook for a couple of weeks and didn't answer her phone.

She's moved house twice in 4 months and is about to move again because she doesn't like it where she is.

They have had numerous periods where they don't speak for a week at a time and have actually broken up 3 times in 3 months.   She never breaks up with him though - he always walks away from her but she hammers him with missed calls (never texts) and dropped calls from unknown numbers.  She also gets her friends to call him and tell him 'how upset she is'.  She uses her friends as '3rd party' communication a lot of the time, rather than direct contact.

When they aren't speaking he has said the following about her - she's a psycho, she can never be happy with any man, she needs therapy, she's a bad mother, she always has something wrong with her and takes tablets for numerous aches and pains, she's scatty and disorganised - forgets to pay bills etc., she's impulsive - spends money on things that are her 'passion' without thinking of the consequences, she has an addictive personality, she's very immature and childish, a petulant child, she's broken, she's full of bull___, she has a dark evil streak. He said she's also very lazy, often lying in bed until lunch time.

He even said that 'once he'd seen crazy she didn't seem able to hold it in for long and it just kept coming'.

She drinks a lot at the weekends and alcohol seems to bring out the worst of it.

She sends abusive texts to him when she's drunk and then blames her friends or even her children for sending them!

She has pretended to be pregnant all 3 times he's left her - the last time she wouldn't tell him the truth for 3 weeks.  He wouldn't tell me what she said but I suspect she either had a 'miscarriage' or an 'abortion' - either way he said she never admitted lying about it.

Apparently they also use condom contraception and he's caught her, a couple of times, trying to remove it or tamper with it.

She slept with her ex husband over Christmas then lied about it.

She claims to have panic attacks and takes meds for anxiety (weirdly apparently caused by abuse she got from the ex husband who she spent Christmas with)

He's recently gone back 'again' because she lures him back in. I think he's still hanging on for that 'amazing woman' he met at the beginning, who still pops up occasionally.  When he is back with her he gets extremely defensive and says that all of what he said was 'said in anger' and he didn't mean it.  He actually got quite abusive with me when I tried to point out her consistent faults and slightly violent  (pushed me and spat in my face) when I suggested it might be a mistake to 'try again' based on previous history.

It's like she has a spell on him or something.  He said she's 'delicate' - like he's protecting her or something.

I know he's not the kind of person to start arguments - in 11 years I don't think we argued more than a couple of times and it was never a bad one!

Does this all sound like BPD?  I know nobody on here is qualified to give a medical diagnosis but doesn't it sound 'similar' based on people's own experiences?

I'm seriously worried about him.  It's like he is obsessed and it's frightening to watch.  I tried checking out some of the symptoms and the internet kept saying 'BPD' at me.  I tried to tell him he ought to read up on it but I was accused of stalking him, trying to interfere in his life, trying to ruin his life and being an idiot, because there is nothing wrong with her.  He's definitely on the denial bus when they are 'together'.

Thank you x

[jellytot]

Hi All

First post here - just looking for answers I guess.

My ex left me a few months ago, after 11 years, for another woman.  He said she was an amazing woman - kind, demure, gentle, loving and they had so much in common and liked all the same things.

Things seemed fine, for a few weeks, then the problems started.  He doesn't tell me everything, I'm his ex, but he does tell me quite a lot because 'I'm still his best friend'.

So here is what I can tell you.

The problems started around week 5 or 6 when she would kick off over silly things - like him turning up 30 minutes later than he said he would.  He said she went 'distant' and he 'wasn't sure if they were in a relationship or not'.  After the initial honeymoon period, he seemed to do all the chasing.  One week when he was working nights he didn't text her at all, just to test her, and she didn't text him back once.  But at the end of the week she got a friend of hers to text him to tell him he was a dick for not texting!

Early on in the relationship she showed him abusive text messages from her last 2 boyfriends and told him how horrible they were to her.  He even said 'she's such a victim'.

She had a meltdown over a photograph of him with his NIECE because she said they were inappropriately close on the photo.  She kicked off when he bumped into the dental receptionist in town and accused him of having an affair.  She is insanely jealous of me, and hates the fact he has to come here to collect our daughter and therefore have contact with me. I  went out for a meal with his sister and to 'punish & humiliate' me she 'accidentally' tagged me, and his Dad, in a photograph of the 2 of them together so it emailed the photograph to me and all his family saw it - which isn't actually possible as we aren't friends on Facebook.

He was late when it was her daughters birthday and she got extremely angry with him saying he 'ruined her daughters birthday' - even though the child isn't his and probably didn't care less.

She briefly kept a job for a few weeks but then left because 'everybody was mean to her'.  She was on benefits prior to that and went to the JobCentre to have her benefits fast-tracked back into place in tears saying she never saw her kids.  And then left the Jobcentre and put on an entirely different happyface once she had achieved her aim.  She didn't inform her employer she wasn't going back.  Just didn't go in, deleted Facebook for a couple of weeks and didn't answer her phone.

She's moved house twice in 4 months and is about to move again because she doesn't like it where she is.

They have had numerous periods where they don't speak for a week at a time and have actually broken up 3 times in 3 months.   She never breaks up with him though - he always walks away from her but she hammers him with missed calls (never texts) and dropped calls from unknown numbers.  She also gets her friends to call him and tell him 'how upset she is'.  She uses her friends as '3rd party' communication a lot of the time, rather than direct contact.

When they aren't speaking he has said the following about her - she's a psycho, she can never be happy with any man, she needs therapy, she's a bad mother, she always has something wrong with her and takes tablets for numerous aches and pains, she's scatty and disorganised - forgets to pay bills etc., she's impulsive - spends money on things that are her 'passion' without thinking of the consequences, she has an addictive personality, she's very immature and childish, a petulant child, she's broken, she's full of bull___, she has a dark evil streak. He said she's also very lazy, often lying in bed until lunch time.

He even said that 'once he'd seen crazy she didn't seem able to hold it in for long and it just kept coming'.

She drinks a lot at the weekends and alcohol seems to bring out the worst of it.

She sends abusive texts to him when she's drunk and then blames her friends or even her children for sending them!

She has pretended to be pregnant all 3 times he's left her - the last time she wouldn't tell him the truth for 3 weeks.  He wouldn't tell me what she said but I suspect she either had a 'miscarriage' or an 'abortion' - either way he said she never admitted lying about it.

Apparently they also use condom contraception and he's caught her, a couple of times, trying to remove it or tamper with it.

She slept with her ex husband over Christmas then lied about it.

She claims to have panic attacks and takes meds for anxiety (weirdly apparently caused by abuse she got from the ex husband who she spent Christmas with)

He's recently gone back 'again' because she lures him back in. I think he's still hanging on for that 'amazing woman' he met at the beginning, who still pops up occasionally.  When he is back with her he gets extremely defensive and says that all of what he said was 'said in anger' and he didn't mean it.  He actually got quite abusive with me when I tried to point out her consistent faults and slightly violent  (pushed me and spat in my face) when I suggested it might be a mistake to 'try again' based on previous history.

It's like she has a spell on him or something.  He said she's 'delicate' - like he's protecting her or something.

I know he's not the kind of person to start arguments - in 11 years I don't think we argued more than a couple of times and it was never a bad one!

Does this all sound like BPD?  I know nobody on here is qualified to give a medical diagnosis but doesn't it sound 'similar' based on people's own experiences?

I'm seriously worried about him.  It's like he is obsessed and it's frightening to watch.  I tried checking out some of the symptoms and the internet kept saying 'BPD' at me.  I tried to tell him he ought to read up on it but I was accused of stalking him, trying to interfere in his life, trying to ruin his life and being an idiot, because there is nothing wrong with her.  He's definitely on the denial bus when they are 'together'.

Thank you x

[jellytot]

Forgot to add - please don't think it's 'sour grapes' or 'jealousy' on my part.  He's always been such an easy going guy and in 11 years I rarely saw anger, and I certainly never saw aggression or violence but in the past few months he seems permanently angry and agitated.  I care about him and I'm worried for him and the knock on effect it's going to have on our daughter.  It's like he has an addiction - when he's not speaking to her he goes into 'withdrawal' and  just sits and eats all the time, not wanting to do anything - then he goes back to her and he's briefly revived until the problems start again then his moodiness and anger kicks off again.  He's very hard to talk to or reason with at all lately.

[Turkish]

Hi jellytot,



There are certainly a lot of red flags in the story of this relationship. This may help as well:

What is BPD, How Can I Tell?

I care about him and I'm worried for him and the knock on effect it's going to have on our daughter.  It's like he has an addiction - when he's not speaking to her he goes into 'withdrawal' and  just sits and eats all the time, not wanting to do anything - then he goes back to her and he's briefly revived until the problems start again then his moodiness and anger kicks off again.  He's very hard to talk to or reason with at all lately.

So there are multiple issues here... .I'm sorry that you're going through all of that, but I'm glad you came here for support (we also have co-parenting resources and a legal board).

How old is your daughter, and what is the custody arrangement given that you said that he just left? Did he exhibit these behaviors in your r/s (BPD-like traits), or has he changed since he's been with this other person?

Turkish

[jellytot]

Thank you for your reply

Our daughter is 9 - he has access to her for a couple of hours every day and she sleeps over at his new place on weekends.

He has never shown traits of BPD, it's his new girlfriend that has the BPD issues I think.  But since he's been involved with her, he has definitely changed.  He's gone from easy going to perma stressed, angry and occasionally verbally abusive.

One minute he's telling me how awful she is and listing all her faults, the next she's amazing and if you try to pull him up on the discrepancy he flies into defensive rages (it was researching all her faults (ie. pretending to be pregnant at the first sniff of him leaving her, push/pull tactics, manipulating him with stories of awful exes) that bought me to this site).

I asked him to keep out daughter out of it until the relationship with the other woman is more stable, since she was initially involved but after all the break-ups I thought it best to keep her away.  At first he agreed but last night he got very angry at me, said it's his life and his daughter and he can do what the f** he wants and I can't stop him and if he wants to take her to the girlfriends house then he will.    After telling me she's an awful mother to her own children, I don't particularly want mine anywhere near her or a toxic environment/relationship.

I read stories about men coming out of these relationships as 'shells' of themselves and I'm worried that is what is happening here but then why does he keep going back?  Surely even he can see it's doing him more harm than good but he really does seem addicted to her/something?  I don't understand it at all. Are people really that 'blind' when they're caught up in the middle of a relationship with somebody who 'potentially' has BPD or at the very least is very emotionally manipulative?  Can they honestly not see what everybody else can?

[Turkish]

In answer to the questions in your last paragraph, a blanket yes, sadly. Many people involved with pwBPD (people with BPD, we'll just assume for the sake of discussion), can pick up  . Some of the worst cases we see with grandparents on the Coping and Healing Board, being estranged from their children and grandchildren due to an in-law exhibiting dsfunction.

While it's good that you are being the Adult here, and having the patience of Job in dealing with this and communicating with him, he's not thinking strait. 

It sounds like you have primary custody (you never filed with the court, did you?). What is your daughter telling you with regard to how this is affecting her?

[Suzn]

Hello jellytot  

Welcome to bpdfamily.com.

He doesn't tell me everything, I'm his ex, but he does tell me quite a lot because 'I'm still his best friend'.

I tried to tell him he ought to read up on it but I was accused of stalking him, trying to interfere in his life, trying to ruin his life and being an idiot, because there is nothing wrong with her.  He's definitely on the denial bus when they are 'together'.

Whether or not your ex's new gf is BPD, your ex seems to be using triangulation to draw you into this chaos to help him deal with his discomfort. The roles switch as he leans on you for comfort and then pushes you away when you voice your concerns. We play one of these roles when we get involved and the roles can switch easily and quickly. We want to stay outside of the triangle, this is an unhealthy relationship dynamic.

In the majority of your post he is the victim (coming to you with his upset), his gf is the prosecutor and you are the rescuer (by listening and taking his side so to speak). The tables turn on you (becoming the prosecutor in his mind) when you try to switch the roles as you see more clearly that he is not a victim, he is choosing to remain in this chaos. Do you see this?



You can read more about this dynamic here   PERSPECTIVES: Ongoing Relationship Conflict/ Karpman Drama Triangle

It's good to know that you are being mindful of the environment your daughter is being exposed to. Were you two married? How are you handling the breakup as it was not long ago. Taking care of you is equally important.  

I'm very glad you found us. I'm looking forward to hearing more of your story.

[jellytot]

Wow thank you - that was really interesting.

I can see that I've been at all 3 points of that triangle -  Rescuer, being the 'good guy' when everything goes pear shaped and being a listener.  Persecuter - when I try to offer up an outside perspective, and remind him of what he's said about her previously, after he's gone back to her (again) and Victim, when he turns his anger on me when things are 'good' with her, and I'm just 'interfering and trying to ruin his life'

It really isn't a healthy dynamic.  I don't particularly want to hear about his problems with her but I'm a bit of a 'people pleaser', plus he's my ex and we have a lot of history, and also, perversely, who doesn't want to hear about problems in their ex's new relationship!

I think I probably need to take a step back from everything and, if it wasn't for our daughter, I probably wouldn't have been involved at all.  But since he's said things like 'she's an awful mother, she has the mental age of a child, there are 3 kids in that house - not 2 kids and a parent and somebody ought to ring her ex-husband and tell him to get those kids the hell out of there' I feel very insecure. The whole relationship has been nothing but toxic from the start with a ridiculous amount of problems and breakups and I don't trust his judgement at the moment so it's hard to let go/stay out of it.

And to answer your question, no we didn't get married   We were both really laid back and content with what we had so it was never really a discussion.   And I'm doing ok with the break up (I think).  It came out of nowhere and has been a massive shock - and all the drama afterwards... .We are friends on and off based on where he is with her.  If it's 'on' he generally keeps away.  If it's 'off' he runs to me to vent.  Although lately has been tough because I have listened to him spew awful things about this woman now for the last 4 months and yet he keeps going back! so I am running out of patience and getting slightly exasperated with him. I know he talks to a few people he works with and they all give him the same advice I do, which is 'get out of there... .RUN... .' and he nods and agrees, but then, after a long silence, she calls him, he 'misses' her and we're back to square 1, rinse & repeat.

I did read somewhere though that the average relationship takes approximately 7 breakups before the non-BPD finally wakes up?  If that's so we still have a couple more break up dramas to get though... .what fun   although they do seem to come like clock-work every 3/4 weeks so maybe it won't drag on for too long.,... .I can hope! 

[Suzn]

It really isn't a healthy dynamic.  I don't particularly want to hear about his problems with her but I'm a bit of a 'people pleaser', plus he's my ex and we have a lot of history, and also, perversely, who doesn't want to hear about problems in their ex's new relationship!

I get everything you said here, I did the same and felt the same about hearing about the problems. I had to back up later and ask myself why I did what I did and why I felt the way I felt on all of it. What was my motivation? And that "history" we had together, was it healthy for either of us? One thing I really knew nothing about were boundaries and I learned about what boundaries were at 45 years of age.

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

I think I probably need to take a step back from everything and, if it wasn't for our daughter, I probably wouldn't have been involved at all.  "Somebody ought to ring her ex-husband and tell him to get those kids the hell out of there" I feel very insecure.

This is concerning and any parent would feel insecure hearing things such as this. You are the functional parent and protecting your daughter is your job. It's his job too and it might be helpful to look at setting boundaries about what your child is being exposed to if there are things that could put her in danger, emotionally or physically. I would not normalize abnormal (or risky) behaviors if you hear of any from him. It's ok to protect your child.

I did read somewhere though that the average relationship takes approximately 7 breakups before the non-BPD finally wakes up?  If that's so we still have a couple more break up dramas to get though... .what fun   although they do seem to come like clock-work every 3/4 weeks so maybe it won't drag on for too long.,... .I can hope!  

Everyone's relationship or breakup is different. Are you ok with him coming and going in your and your daughter's life? No judgement here, however, it may be good to assess how this may be effecting you and your daughter.