Left the BPD home What now?

[brightstar1989]

Hello everyone and thank you so much for this amazing space provided to support the ones that suffer with a BPD family member. I grew up with my BPD mom and step dad, father left long time ago.

Long story short: i suffered all the typical verbal and physical abuse from my mother, my entire life (I am 26 - female-  now). I found out about her diagnosis about 2 years ago. It's been 5 years since the situation in the house became unbearable. She doesn't accept treatment, has angry bouts at every single person, doesn't leave the house alone. My stepdad stopped working to fulfil my mother's needs and is completely submissive to her. My relationship with my mom is terrible, she wanted to control me, opens my mail and wants everything her way. If it is not done her way she will curse me and call me unspeakable names.

I couldn't take  this any longer and 3 months ago left the house. I now live in my own apartment. I have to say I haven't been so happy in a long time. Before leaving my mom's house I was suffering with severe depression. I am now in a good place, and I can be myself. She still calls me, shouting like a lunatic, she does not accept that I moved out and believes that I am in a very bad place and that's why I "left" her. She believes that once I get back to my  "senses" I will regret and move back and keeps telling me that something so bad will happen to me - like a disease - that I will have to go back. I tried to explain her my reasons but there's no reasoning with her, she just screams on the phone. We have been speaking a lot less since the move, but all the interactions are filled with hate and rage from her side.

One problem that I am currently dealing with is guilty. All these years of abuse have destroyed my self esteem and I don't believe that I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc etc It makes much much harder for me to stand up for the choice of not talking to her, of leaving the house and of making any decisions of my own. Besides, I still feel pressured from society and think that no person will ever love me for turning my back on my mother. I feel ashamed to say that my mom is not the person that I love the most in the world. Another issue that I currently have is regarding working place. I have graduated as an Engineer from a prestigious university, have earned several awards from different companies and I just received the job offer of my dreams. But the thing is that in past jobs I simply couldn't function properly. It is not about being mean to colleagues or not being capable of doing what is asked -  I feel there is just something recruiters see in me that they have a step back with me. Right now I really wanna fix this, because with no career I don't know what to do money-wise.

I would really appreciate any inputs of anyone, especially the ones who have been through the process of breaking free from a BPD mother. How did you rebuild your confidence and your self esteem? I am moving on with my life and I want to make sure that I will have enough confidence not to go back to that abusive situation ever again.

Thanks a lot everyone and so sorry for the long post!

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi brightstar!  Welcome! ... .and good for you!

Love the name btw! 

I just wanted to say that I am now over 35 and left home as soon as I could.  I can still remember the first few years after leaving... .They were years of tremendous growth and internal peace and freedom.  I didn't care that my kitchen was part of the main room, the only room.  I was so excited to put a plate next to the sink and not hear screaming.  I have c-PTSD and those first years away were the most accelerated healing years by far!  I had no idea how much I needed to just separate from the abuse to heal... .until the months were passing and my mind was transforming on its own.  I cannot express or explain this well enough.  I will admit though, that I did not feel too much guilt.  I felt more anger at realizing I did not have to live an abused existence, but had... .so I did not have the same emotional connection that you are struggling with. 

Anyway... .

Warm welcomes,

Sunflower

[Kwamina]

Hi brightstar1989 ,

I would like to join Sunfl0wer in welcoming you to our online family

Being abused by your own mother is very unpleasant indeed and very difficult for a child to deal with. It is very sad that your mother behaves this way and doesn't acknowledge her issues.

You have taken certain steps to protect yourself from the abuse and I think that was very wise of you. Many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling with issues similar to what you've described here. When living in such a negative abusive environment for such a long time, it unfortunately often happens that children start to internalize that negativity.

I encourage you to take a look at the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse in the right-hand side margin of this board. When you look at the guide, where do you feel you are now? It's important to note that the healing process as described in the survivors' guide isn't necessarily a lineair process. Often we'll find ourselves working on multiple steps at the same time and also revisiting steps.

I also encourage you to take a look at a thread we have here about dealing with automatic negative thoughts and talking back to the inner critic. I think this might be helpful to you, also considering your concerns about getting your career started:

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

The Board Parrot

[Notwendy]

Congratulations on your degree and the new career, and for stepping out on your own ( which is perfectly normal at your age, even for people who don't have mothers with BPD).

In addition to this board, I would recommend counseling with someone familiar with BPD and how is effects families. I recommend this for many reasons. One is that the feelings you have are pretty typical for people growing up with BPD parents and I think it would help for you to get support for them. Also, the support itself is helpful. Your relationship with the T will focus on you, your emotional growth, and it will validate you. This is not something likely to be experienced in a family with someone with BPD where the focus is on the disordered person.

Counseling isn't because there is " something wrong with you" as our mothers can have this belief ( they have to to keep from self blame), counseling is a form of self care, a way to undo some of the negative thinking patterns, and a step to gaining the emotional skills we may not have had the chance to develop in our childhood.