2-3 Months?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I've started to notice a trend of BPD exes breaking NC in the 60-90 day period. Anyone know what's up with that? There are, like, three threads about it on the front page of this forum right now.

[MapleBob]

I've started to notice a trend of BPD exes breaking NC in the 60-90 day period. Anyone know what's up with that? There are, like, three threads about it on the front page of this forum right now.

[steelwork]

I've started to notice a trend of BPD exes breaking NC in the 60-90 day period. Anyone know what's up with that? There are, like, three threads about it on the front page of this forum right now.

Not in my case. Just saying. Three months into the silence, I was expecting to hear from him any minute. I would not advise living like that.

[SummerStorm]

It's probably because that's how long it takes for devaluation to start in the new relationship.

My BPD friend started devaluing her ex after about three months, maybe even less than that.

She started devaluing me after about four months, but that was about two months after we'd had sex, which means two months after intimacy came into play.

She broke up with another guy after just shy of two months.  She contacted me a few hours later, after not speaking to me for over two months.

[troisette]

I was contacted ten weeks after I returned his stuff and started no contact.

Not sure if it was just to return something of mine that he'd found at his house or an attempt at recycling. I didn't respond as he'd just put the item, with a note, in the mailbox.

Nothing since and it's over five months now. But I'm intuitive and I don't think the fat lady has sung yet! But the longer nc, the stronger I get.

Keep on keeping on... .

[MapleBob]

It's probably because that's how long it takes for devaluation to start in the new relationship.

Huh, I hadn't thought of that. As far as I can tell, my ex isn't in a new relationship. She might actually be following my doctrine of "don't start new relationships if/when you're starting therapy". Or she might actually be following the other advice I gave her, which was essentially "make room in your life for people away from your ex-husband, because your current set-up is ridiculous". 

Anyway, good theory. It reminds me of a talk I had with my ex post-breakup. She asked me when I personally thought things had start going wrong. I replied that I didn't think things had gone "wrong" exactly, but maybe at the 8-9 month mark? She said she noticed it at around three months when we had our "first fight", which I had to be reminded about because it was about something completely inconsequential.

For all of the times where I feel like I messed up this relationship, I think making it through 14 months with her is a pretty strong showing on my part! 

[thisworld]

MapleBob you are so right! I noticed it on the board, too and although I was in LC, that's when my ex boyfriend decided to move to where I live.

I think possible reasons for this maybe (in addition to devaluation as SummerStorm mentioned):

1. Possible replacements starting to ask some questions as they start communicating deeper and this may be triggering new fears of abandonment. (So, I'm the fallback). I believe this is the case in my ex's situation because he builds friendships only through FB right now - as he has a dysfunctional life- and the public persona (big love affairs and relationships, the last being myself) do not match what he tells people in private. I guess women also ask him questions because there are so many women on his FB covertly fighting each other for attention and making themselves visible to others.

2. I think my ex boyfriend measures passing time firstly through his own practices rather than what someone else states about themselves. Because he is used to disappearing and reappearing himself, he starts suspecting that something else (boundaries) may be going on only after some time passes. Then he starts testing or forcing them. I believe people when they state a boundary, I don't think he immediately does (unless fear of abandonment hits). 2-3 months may be a turning point when he realizes consistency in behaviour.

I'd prepare myself for some extinction bursts.

[MapleBob]

I'd prepare myself for some extinction bursts. 

Who, me? 

[juniorswailing]

We split up in November last year.

In January I got an anonymous birthday card. I honestly had no idea who from but did not in a million years think it was from her.

In February we re-established contact and went out a coupe of times. Currently involved in a Mexican stand off over me blowing hot and cold. It's her actually but I can't be arsed arguing the finer points of it with her.

So yes, that seems to be 60-90 days I think

[Larmoyant]

My ex’s previous relationship started unravelling at the 2 to 3 month mark. He said she started hinting that she wanted more, and told him she was good ‘wife material’. I didn’t know it at the time, but that’s when he found me. What's an extinction burst?

[thisworld]

I'd prepare myself for some extinction bursts.  

Who, me?  

All of us who have either experienced this 2-3 month experience or are thinking about it at an abstract level with some emotional attachment- I also understand that sometimes we just objectively notice something and are fully detached.   I still have some attachment in the form of curiosity, mixed with fear and anxiety sometimes as to what may happen next - still under the influence of his volatility and social circumstances pressuring me. 7 months to move from here, I'm counting days. But I have come a long way. Way less scared nowadays and don't get scary nightmares, just neutral bad dreams:))

Larmoyant,

Extinction bursts are behaviours that escalate and force or test our boundaries when we change our enabling behaviours and stop reinforcing. My ex reacted to NC either with this or from his narcissistic side but increased communication a lot. In LC, the nature of communication changes at the 2-3 month mark, too.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0