Growing up

[sempervivum]

The mere fact that I noticed moving and growing both in me and in my BPDh is keeping me alive. Anyway, I am still living in hope that BPD will one day disappear. Of course, knowing what I know and experienceing what I DO experience it is clear it will not disappear. This unrealistic belief in me is probably the natural human confidence and hope which is hard to let go.

There were times when I was revengeful and wanted to throw everything back to him: In times when I did not know anything about BPD, but even in times after my learning about the disorder. My general conclusion was that I simply cannot function like that all the time, I am not that kind of a person, so it ended in my sporadical little revenges. To my surprise, these revenges sometimes had a positive result, but sometimes not. As usual ... .

All my knowledge I gained, both on my own skin and from books and different sites was just a frozen stuff, until I personally crossed levels of awareness. I had numerous times of reaching my final limit - which actually always proved not to be the final one. In past weeks I crossed another level, now I feel a special kind of anger that makes me not so much revengeful, but determined and right now I am being very strict to my husband. This strictness is not performed to harm him, but to protect myself. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing, but right now this is the most natural behavior I can express. I discovered that I really was too soft and too meak all these years and this resulted in my feeling badly (physically and psychically). Simply said: my health is now the most important thing.

In the meantime I/we achieved one huge success. We finally BOTH went to a therapist. He didn´t want to hear about it and last week we both sat on sofas in front of a very dynamic and serious woman therapist. Imagine: he liked that and he told he will not regret any money to go "to the end". OK, I know the soul of a BPD and I might expect some changes in opinion, but right now we will just row down that river and follow the stream.

The trigger to go to the therapist was the conflict with our 18yr daughter, which is on surface about her weekend nights out, but there are deeper causes which have to be discussed.

The last fact: I blackmailed him to go there with a divorce. It is not at all a good thing to do, but blackmailing was never my tool, and at this phase of our lives I simply said it without any advance planning, I really meant it. I am sorry I had to say it and I am sorry that he reacts only to extreme steps.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waitingwife]

I'm so sorry to hear all that you have been through. You are on the right path and the lesson that helped me understand my role in my dysfunctional r/s was this particular one:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0

It talks about co-dependants and it has helped me to have a starting point along with my T. You serking Therapy is a great place to start!

[sempervivum]

I'm so sorry to hear all that you have been through. You are on the right path and the lesson that helped me understand my role in my dysfunctional r/s was this particular one:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0

It talks about co-dependants and it has helped me to have a starting point along with my T. You serking Therapy is a great place to start!

Thank you for the supportive post. I am reading the workshop, I don´t want to swallow it all in once. There are things in it I already know, but I have to be reminded of them again and again.

I am aware of my codependency, but since I have been reducing it in recent years through gaining more and more space and time for myself, now I am struglling with my h´s objections to it. Sometimes he seems quite uninterested in my new independent part of life, but on other times he puts an immense pressure and expresses his dissatisfaction. These changes in pace are what exhaust me.

Then the everyday life: The most tragicomical thing happens when he puts a dead serious expression on his face and warns me about, for example, the mess in our flower-bed - the neighbor´s cat did it again (!) - one of the things that a BPD often does: appears in front of you with such a bad news. On the other hand, the world outside is at war and half of it is starving or migrating. Should I tell him this, like parents usually say such things to spoiled kids?