Highly-functioning BPD?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm not pointing fingers a anyone here - at all - but I see a lot of dysfunction here and understandably so given that we are dealing with a personality disorder (and one often coupled with other disorders).  Add to that the many non-BPD partners who have personality disorders of their own and wow... .there is a cauldron of issues being stirred up at once.  Seriously, my sympathies to you all.  I however, have a different set of issues and while I consider myself to be very fortunate, I still am on the same site dealing with many of the same issues.

First - I have my issues like everyone.  I just don't have a personality disorder... .unless it is a lack of self-awareness (that was for humor).  Seriously, I do not enter relationships or go through life with the weight of a personality disorder.  I had a multi-year relationship with someone that was (I truly believe) monogamous for about 11 months with someone who by all indications was "normal".  There were no obvious red flags (sure there were some as I look back on things as an informed person regarding BPD).  I never saw the highs and lows and the tirades or irrational behavior.  Normal ups and downs - yes.  We did not live together but we spent every day talking and texting and we had a physical relationship.  I travel for business and we worked some trips in together and I was as crazy for her as a guy could be.  We probably had a little more distance physically than many of you because we didn't cohabitate, but the relationship was serious and intense.  Seemingly the same dynamics were in play for her, but as we all know with BPD's, its different for them ... .little did I know). 

My exBPD (the one I am referring to here is the ex) is highly successful.  She has a great job, is intelligent, travels the world, presents to large audiences (meaning she has a fairly stressful job at times), makes excellent money (if you count that as successful), dresses great, super attractive ... .I mean she has it all except for this one little problem... .BPD.  Don't tell me she doesn't have it just because I'm not taking the time to share with you all of the typical BPD things she does, or did.  Make no mistake, she has many of the traits.

Question:  I'm confused ... .it seems like most BPD's would have a hard time getting through life - both personally and professionally because life is about relationships.  Is there anyone here that can relate to this situation or is my ex an exception to the rule?  Are there others out here that know the same types of BPS's?  Its so strange to me that she could be so "together" and then be so like this.  Interested in your thoughts... .I am having a hard time getting my head wrapped around "her".

[SmarterNow]

I'm not pointing fingers a anyone here - at all - but I see a lot of dysfunction here and understandably so given that we are dealing with a personality disorder (and one often coupled with other disorders).  Add to that the many non-BPD partners who have personality disorders of their own and wow... .there is a cauldron of issues being stirred up at once.  Seriously, my sympathies to you all.  I however, have a different set of issues and while I consider myself to be very fortunate, I still am on the same site dealing with many of the same issues.

First - I have my issues like everyone.  I just don't have a personality disorder... .unless it is a lack of self-awareness (that was for humor).  Seriously, I do not enter relationships or go through life with the weight of a personality disorder.  I had a multi-year relationship with someone that was (I truly believe) monogamous for about 11 months with someone who by all indications was "normal".  There were no obvious red flags (sure there were some as I look back on things as an informed person regarding BPD).  I never saw the highs and lows and the tirades or irrational behavior.  Normal ups and downs - yes.  We did not live together but we spent every day talking and texting and we had a physical relationship.  I travel for business and we worked some trips in together and I was as crazy for her as a guy could be.  We probably had a little more distance physically than many of you because we didn't cohabitate, but the relationship was serious and intense.  Seemingly the same dynamics were in play for her, but as we all know with BPD's, its different for them ... .little did I know). 

My exBPD (the one I am referring to here is the ex) is highly successful.  She has a great job, is intelligent, travels the world, presents to large audiences (meaning she has a fairly stressful job at times), makes excellent money (if you count that as successful), dresses great, super attractive ... .I mean she has it all except for this one little problem... .BPD.  Don't tell me she doesn't have it just because I'm not taking the time to share with you all of the typical BPD things she does, or did.  Make no mistake, she has many of the traits.

Question:  I'm confused ... .it seems like most BPD's would have a hard time getting through life - both personally and professionally because life is about relationships.  Is there anyone here that can relate to this situation or is my ex an exception to the rule?  Are there others out here that know the same types of BPS's?  Its so strange to me that she could be so "together" and then be so like this.  Interested in your thoughts... .I am having a hard time getting my head wrapped around "her".

[steelwork]

I think it's quite common, actually. My ex is very very professionally successful. He's always afraid he's going to be fired, but he's extremely professionally sought-after. In fact, he theorizes that his focus on professional success is a compensation for (as he put it) "lack of internal objects."

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

"Within these constellations, there are high functioning borderlines that operate well in society and whose disorder is not very obvious to new acquaintances or the casual observer."

[anothercasualty]

Mine is also very high functioning in most areas of her life. She does very well at work and is extremely intelligent. She "hides" her BPD traits from all but the closest people to her. Her best friend, therapist and I are probably the only ones who know here BPD issues. (And I didn't know about it until we had been together for a year.)

That is the scary part for me. Thinking it took a full year for me to catch onto how seriously affected her mental health was. By then, I was full enmeshed and now I am having to work very hard to detach.

[Sunfl0wer]

Question:  I'm confused ... .it seems like most BPD's would have a hard time getting through life - both personally and professionally because life is about relationships.  Is there anyone here that can relate to this situation or is my ex an exception to the rule?  Are there others out here that know the same types of BPS's?  Its so strange to me that she could be so "together" and then be so like this.  Interested in your thoughts... .I am having a hard time getting my head wrapped around "her".

I consider my ex to have NPD/BPD/DPD traits.  He would never get diagnosed as having a full blown disorder by a therapist because he is so darn well functioning in all areas of life... .except in the household.  He clearly has all the issues others describe here, the same dysfunctional 'tools' and dynamics discussed here... .except to a lesser extent and it really only shows up within the dynamic of the people he lives with.  

He does do similar PD behavior things with friends and such, but it really is not obvious.  For example, I notice he only hangs out with friends who see him as some sort of hero.  As soon as they express an issue with him, he goes towards blaming them and then slightly withdrawing and not attending the next function vs confronting the conflict.  He also positions himself with friends as a victim of sorts and relates to them from that role.  He laments over being a victim of his divorce, loss of his D and such.  

In the household dynamic, I expected things of him.  I expected him to take charge of certain things and partner with me and work together.  His friends do not expect much other than him showing up and being fun.  The stress of anyone expecting things important of him brings out his traits.  

I have often felt that many of us with SO that are so high functioning, we have a bit unique issues slightly different than those with more obvious PD partners.  Sometimes I have though a subcategory for us would be neat.  Having a high functioning partner sometimes felt more disorienting and confusing to me as the issues sometimes feel more vague, sometimes more subtle gaslighting, sometimes more ST vs rages make me question my own sanity in a different way.  I find it harder to talk to friends about my relationship because it is harder to explain how such a seemingly wonderful man to the public, was not so wonderful in private.  It is simply harder for me to articulate the issues.  I find it easier to be able to say: My partner screams and throws things and scares me.  Harder in my reality to say: My partner has a silent rage I just feel, shuns me, ignores me, makes decisions without me.  It is harder because many men or women may make a decision without consulting their SO, however, when mine did it, it was a tool of abuse to shun and punish me.  How do I explain that well?  So hard to even here in this paragraph!

[Sunfl0wer]

Oh, the other thing that will take me a while to overcome... .

His traits were not really clear until after a year of dating, after we moved in together. 

I worry I can again get involved with someone a year or more and not know until after cohabiting for some months!  What if some are so mild it does not show up until years after cohabiting?  Or not until after some major life trigger like a death in the family and then I am painted all black? 

*sigh*

[steelwork]

Oh, the other thing that will take me a while to overcome... .

His traits were not really clear until after a year of dating, after we moved in together. 

I worry I can again get involved with someone a year or more and not know until after cohabiting for some months!  What if some are so mild it does not show up until years after cohabiting?  Or not until after some major life trigger like a death in the family and then I am painted all black? 

*sigh*

But you've done enough reflecting now I'm sure to see patterns that were there all along. Hard as it is, nothing could arm you better for the future than what you've gone through. I think the greater danger is that you won't be able to trust again. That's what a lot of people talk about in the Building Healthy Relationships & Dating board. Might be worth looking there, if you haven't yet.

[confounded]

I think many people with BPD can display a highly functional front, the downsides only visible to those they become emotionally or physically intimate with. This seems to be the case especially with those with co-morbid histrionic features, as they can be extremely charming and alluring, and so people tend to overlook the red flags for a long time. I know I did with my friend, though the flags were hoisted high... .

[Shale]

My ex was only good at one thing at a time. When she was good with me she failed badly at work. When she focused on work she had nothing left when she got home and we fell apart. Moving through the world with grace took everything she had. She needs to work to live so that's one of the main reasons I let her go; cohabitation was too hard on top of everything else.

As it turns out distance was even harder for her than cohabitation and the wheels fell off completely. I just hope she still functions at work, but I'd never know because she respects and understands no contact, she's very educated about her disorder.

[SmarterNow]

I guess with any of these issues there must be degrees of severity or, clearly, there is some successful "masking" mechanisms that have been developed by the person with the disorder.  I was TOTALLY blind-sided by this as I'm sure most in this thread were.  I just never saw it coming and it was Whammo... .suddenly out of nowhere... .I mean overnight... .she "disappeared" ... .no warning whatsoever (yes a little bit of a disagreement the night before - on Jan 4th... .after a holiday season where I didn't see her nearly enough... .although I wish I could have).  I'm guessing the two events were more than she could handle and she immediately stopped responding to all forms of communication for almost 3 weeks.  Wouldn't return a text, a call... .nothing.  (she totally ghosted me out of the blue).  She instantly blocked me on all social media (though we aren't big into facebook or anything but she "un-contacted" me on Linkedin, killed Skype... .every possible means.  

I went to her house near the 3 week mark simply to find out if she was OK and if so, what was going on.  After all, I have known this woman for many years and we have had a long history together - she was no stranger but acting very strange... .plus the 11 month serious relationship that we were in.  She called the police to have me removed from the property... .I had knocked for about 10 minutes (in retrospect that was probably too long).  I am not quick-tempered, never abusive verbally or otherwise... .in fact, we rarely argued.  I'm pretty laid back actually.  I really just wanted to know why overnight our relationship was over and wanted to know if maybe she needed some help with something.  After all, this was WAY out of character and why wouldn't I want to know what was going on?   We were planning to spend the rest of our lives together so I thought ... .and so she said.  I think it is so strange to know someone this long and to be in a relationship this long and have no idea this is under the surface.  I believe it takes a huge toll (just like Sunflower says) because you just never saw it coming and will you ever?  I hope I would be more mindful the next time... .I'm certainly more aware, that's for sure.

I have finally gotten a few emails from her... several in fact, but she was so cold and emotionless ... .she was "done".  No real discussion... .just resoluteness, she couldn't trust me and it was over (For the record, there was nothing that occurred that I could see that destroyed trust ... .no lies, no awkward situations, no nothing ... .it all happened in her head these trust issues?)

In any case, I'm glad I stumbled onto the idea of BPD and started looking into it.  This forum and the articles have been very helpful in my recovery and hearing your many comments is comforting in some respects.  Just learning about this whole world of "disorders" is eye-opening and I sympathize with each of you on here.  I think we understand that this little subset of high-functioning BPD's is a unique animal and wow ... .have we ever had the rug pulled out from beneath us.  I don't think any of us saw it coming.  Again - thank you for your replies.  

[gtrhr]

My situation is similar although she and I had been on and off going on for over six years now.  We recently broke up several weeks ago.  She is a high functioning type, we both are in computer engineering related fields and met that way.  I understand what you're saying; it could be impossible for others who aren't inside the sphere of family/relationship to ever see this side of them.  Even we tried couples counseling and some of the counselors would dismiss what I said was really going on.  When you're on the abused side and the other person seems totally calm and relaxed in counseling you're going to look like the one needing help, not the BPD!  I'm recently reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and so really it confirms a lot of these traits and even that the professionals can really get it wrong.  So why wouldn't their friends and co-workers have a different perception too.  It doesn't diminish what you've been through just because no one else knows.

She tended to be BPD with NPD traits.  So the categories of self-harm and suicidal thoughts don't apply.  But she did go into a rage and could be verbally or rarely physically abusive to me or her daughter.

There is the public persona which actually includes some aspects of the relationship.  I think of that as them just ticking off check-boxes of what a normal life looks like and not really knowing what that means.  She says she want's a peaceful and quiet life and yet does many things that ensure we could not possible have one.  I don't have some unique traits that trigger rage in other people I know, just in her.

I now think of it as a facade, and the actual relationship was that as well.  They might have appeared to love you and expressed wanting a family life.  Whether they meant it sincerely at the time or not it doesn't matter, words mean nothing, only actions.  The truth is I bought into that facade fully at one time, and when you open the front door, metaphorically speaking, you're going to see plywood and tumbleweed.  It's empty.  Lacks the substance to sustain something mutually fulfilling.  She knew what I really wanted and was more than happy at times to fuel that fantasy.

If she is truly over it count yourself lucky.  Try and get some help or see a therapist.  You do not want to go through this cycle where they accept you, love you and discard you over and over.  Years of this will wear on you and take away from happiness you could be having in many other areas of your life.  Eventually I've had to get my own help to break out of the addictive nature of this relationship and that's really helped me get a lot stronger to where I have been the one to walk away when she's raged and verbally abused.  Making that last final break is where I'm at with it now so wish me luck!

[Confused108]

Oh yes! My ex functioned and is still functioning very well in the real world. She has tons of friends who don't know the "real deal" with her. She has her own buisness and from what I know ppl kiss her a$$! I think the only ppl who know her problems are her ex husband / family and myself and maybe a few ex lovers. I don't think she acts BPD with friends or family , only romantic interests!

[MapleBob]

Oh yes! My ex functioned and is still functioning very well in the real world. She has tons of friends who don't know the "real deal" with her. She has her own buisness and from what I know ppl kiss her a$$! I think the only ppl who know her problems are her ex husband / family and myself and maybe a few ex lovers. I don't think she acts BPD with friends or family , only romantic interests!

This sums up my ex too. For a lot of people - nons included - the problem behaviors only come out in close, intense, intimate relationships.

[teapay]

I'm alittle skeptical that high functioning BPD have the illness, but rather a subset of a few traits that can get acutely triggered by intimacy.  Classic BPD is pretty debilitating.  Just peruse the parent board and and you'll see typical BPD which is often unfunctional with drove of the affected addicted, on disability, in hospitals, homeless or in jail.  Relationships at all are generally out of reach so they don't have partners.

[Sunfl0wer]

I'm alittle skeptical that high functioning BPD have the illness, but rather a subset of a few traits that can get acutely triggered by intimacy.  Classic BPD is pretty debilitating.  Just peruse the parent board and and you'll see typical BPD which is often unfunctional with drove of the affected addicted, on disability, in hospitals, homeless or in jail.  Relationships at all are generally out of reach so they don't have partners.

Well, and this is the reason I say my ex would never be diagnosed. 

He is on a continuum for sure... .a higher functioning end of the continuum.

Yet, part of the definition is 'disorder' and well... .if a person can hold a job and function fine in life, who is to call that 'disordered?' 

Heck, so many marriages end in divorce, so even if you call his intimate relationships 'disordered', well by what measuring stick is a failing interpersonal relationship disordered when most of the population has a failed marriage or two?

[teapay]

A single or few BPD traits, especially if acute, is enough to blow up an intimate relationship, often because it is intimate.  Hurts more.  It's personal.  But that would fall short of a BPD dx.  Often high functioning partners don't get the dx because they just don't meet the criteria and are severe enough.  They just have a couple traits such as rage or implusivity and fewer triggers.  My wife was higher functioning when we met and earlier in our marriage, so I saw that side of her.  She had a several BPD traits that made marriage difficult and confused me.  She was in therapy.  No dx.  As the years went on she degenerated and developed classic BPD expressing all the traits and losing functionality, similar to what gets described more often on the parent board.  Looking back I can see the some of traits when she was more high functioning, but I can't say she had BPD then compared with what it became.  It is like the difference between needing glasses and being dx legally blind.

[joeramabeme]

SmarterNow

As others have posted here, the correlation between degree of professional success (material) and BPD is tentative at best.  Primarily, pwBPD traits struggle in intimate relationships.  So I might even suggest that people who are affected do better in professional environments b/c they do not have to worry about the intimacy.

That said, the primary trait is twofold; fear of abandonment and fear of enmeshment.  On the one hand a person with BPD traits is afraid that they will be abandoned and so will attempt to create intimacy (pull) and on the other hand, they are afraid they will lose their identity by becoming enmeshed in someone else so they push away (push). 

This setups a constant tide of push and pull and all the while the pwBPD struggles to find and hold an internal core of self-identity - a sense of self that is anchored.  The behaviors seemingly switch from push to pull in a moments notice with no logical cohesion from one moment to the next.  But the primary driver is emotional and for pwBPD - emotions are facts.  It can appear to be very unpredictable as these swings can be triggered by a seemingly innocuous comment/event/anything and often the pwBPD is not even aware that they have been triggered.  Without their understanding this, it frequently seems that the people closest to them are creating the feelings and hence are to blame for what is perceived to be happening.

Getting your "head wrapped around BPD" is like looking at a 5,000 piece jig-saw puzzle lying scattered on the floor.  Yes, you can put it together - however, it is unlikely to happen in a short period of time and unlike having a picture on the box cover, you have resources like bpdfamily.com to help you understand which pieces fit where.

I hope this post brings some understanding of what you are asking about.  It takes time to understand it all.  If you keep reading and posting the pieces will begin to fit together. 

As my favorite saying I have heard here goes; expect the unexpected.

JRB

[khibomsis]

Read in 'stop walking on eggshells' that high functioning BPD is often co-morbid with narcissism. Certainly true of my uBPD mom and my uBPD ex. Both highly successful in the working world. Both complete catastrophes at home. As I pick up the pieces and continue to clean up the wreckage of my life I think people like these should be tattooed with a big toxic sign on their foreheads. When I used to see another victim walk up to me and say 'so and so is so amazing, you must be so proud to be related' it used to make me rage. Mostly directed internally because what is the use of speaking the truth? Would only get me gaslighted and blackened. I prefer low-functioning BPD. At least the red flags are out there for you to see if you want to.

[apollotech]

Question:  I'm confused ... .it seems like most BPD's would have a hard time getting through life - both personally and professionally because life is about relationships.  Is there anyone here that can relate to this situation or is my ex an exception to the rule?  Are there others out here that know the same types of BPS's?  Its so strange to me that she could be so "together" and then be so like this.  Interested in your thoughts... .I am having a hard time getting my head wrapped around "her".

SmarterNow,

It's not about the general relationships, it's about the emotional/intimate relationships in regards to BPD. BPD is an "attachment" disorder, so you have to view it from that petspective. For a high functioning pwBPD, the only people that will be exposed to the nastiest characteristics of the disorder are the people that the pwBPD has an emotional/intimate bond with. To everyone else, they can appear normal and be quite successful. Because of the bond your ex had with you, you were exposed to ALL of her.

In my own situation, and only after leaving the relationship, did I understand that the mutual friends that my ex and I share together going all the way back to our childhoods don't actually know her. They have never been exposed to her disordered side. It was a shocking realization. She doesn't hide herself from them; she is actually quite active in the group/community. But, the parameters (emotional/intimate bonds) needed to trigger her, the disorder, are simply not present.

[SmarterNow]

These responses have all been helpful... .I enjoy reading them and it helps getting some perspective... .I wanted to hear from others.  Thanks appollotech... .That makes very good sense.