I'm in a new relationship, my partner has BPD and I want to be good for them.

[Lemonysnicket]

  Hi guys,

So, I'm 23 and had never heard of BPD before I met my partner (whom I adore)

We met online and hit things off straight away but she seemed a little closed off for some reason and more interested in knowing about my "deeper" side than revealing anything much about herself (I now understand why)

After a few months of talking and slowly getting to know each other, I guess alarm bells kind of started to go off for me, following a few drunken phone calls where she seemed extremely angry but couldn't explain why, then got frustrated and kind of lashed out a little because of my failure to understand what exactly was going on.

This happened a few times, I'd do my best to be patient as I already really cared about her but she refused to talk about it the next day although she did apologise for her behaviour.

Things kind of went like that for a while.

When they were good, they were amazing, when they were bad, I can only describe it as a black hole that I didn't think we would surface from but somehow we did.

She finally revealed to me that she has BPD one night she was drinking and I have to admit that I needed to google what it was before I responded so that she didn't think I wasn't fully understanding what she was trying to tell me.

My mind was blown a little on discovery of what it is, but I stayed calm as best I could and tried to understand without asking too many questions so she didn't feel under attack (keep in mind I'm completely new to this and have no idea or little understanding of it but I do realise it's seriousness)

I took a little time to "digest" what she'd told me in a way and did what research I could but not many places had information from the point of view of someone who doesn't have BPD but cares for someone who does.

After talking to some friends and seeking their advice on weather or not I thought I could handle seeing someone with BPD ( we were only "dating" at this point) I made the decision to do my best to be there for her and stand by her regardless of if we were to persue things romantically or platonically. I still stand by my decision as she is so, so incredible and understanding of my needs as a diabetic which comes hand in hand with bouts of depression and anxiety at times.

She made a four hour journey to see me for my birthday and this would be the first time we met.

The weekend was nothing short of magical, but that wasn't surprising considering how beautiful she is as a person.

That was until she asked me to be her girlfriend, I said yes, knowing a little bit more about what I was signing up for.

When she left to go home, things changed.

I didn't hear from her for a few days but I did my best to reassure her that I cared about her and I'd be there for her when she was ready to talk, that we could take things slow if she needed.

She completely shut down, broke up with me and we went back to basics for almost a month until she came out the other side of whatever she was going through.

I understood that fear of rejection or abandonment plays a big part of BPD so I kept at what she seemed as a safe distance for her.

I really wasn't sure what to do but I held on as best I could, hoping for the best.

Almost two months later she had a pretty bad night (again following alcohol consumption)

She was struggling suicidal thoughts and I had a rough time talking her out of self harming. Again she was very angry and frustrated but couldn't verbalise why or form many coherent sentances, the only ones I could understand were directed at me not caring about her, that she didn't want me to care and she would be better off dead. She very descriptively told me what she wanted to do to herself which I have to admit, broke my heart and I very almost cracked but she needed me to be strong so I did my best to stay calm and stayed on the phone until she finally fell asleep, I think the part of the phone call that hurt the most was when she told me she loved me just as she dosed off... .I'd been in an abusive relationship before I met her and she understood the delicate matter of what those words meant to me.

The next day she had little recollection of what happened so I didn't push the conversation of what she described and how it hurt, but she dragged the "I love you" part out of me... .She told me she meant it but that she was terrified to tell me.

I guess I needed time to process it and think about weather she really meant it or said it out of fear of losing me completely... .I reassured her that regardless of if she meant it, I wasn't going to abandon her.

Turns out she really meant it and asked for another chance as a couple.

That pretty much brings us to recent weeks, I went to see her last week.

I arrived pretty late at night because travelling to her isn't a direct route and neither of us drive yet (my diabetes affects me that way)

I was welcomed with two bouquets of flowers on a bed stand (by my side of the bed), a beautiful silver chain with both our initials engraved and the year, sugar free cookies, Diet Coke and seseme sticks (my favourite snack)

She had a meal ready for me to accompany my last insulin shot for the night.

Overwhelemed is an understatement... .No partner I've ever had has paid so much attention to detail or cared so much... .But that's just who she is as a person. Beautiful in every single way.

Everything was running smoothly until one day we had planned to go the the cinema to see a movie with her housemate, they wanted to go to a bar to play some pool first to welcome me into their group of friends.

One hour turned into seven... .

I'd given up drinking alcohol the last rough night she had because she told me she wanted to give it up so I told her we'd do it together (it lasted two or three days for her, a problem she's aware she has but I don't think she's ready to deal with just yet)

The night was pretty good and upbeat until we got back to her apartment.

This was my first time physically being present when she was drunk.

I could see her slowly starting to change, she was determined to get more alcohol, the beer and whiskey she'd had were bad enough but she wanted vodka and I was aware that vodka REALLY doesn't agree with her.

I managed to get her fed and luckily there were no off-licences open at that hour so I got her to bed or so I thought.

Her breathing changed, her body language changed, her eyes changed, she became irritated and restless.

Everything I did upset her (such as getting changed in the bathroom and not allowing her to administer my injection because she accidentally pulled it out of my stomach when I was trying to inject it)

Just as I got into bed she started tensing her muscles and clenching her fists (almost like a child about to enter a full scale strop)

Before I could stop her she was punching walls.

I didn't know what else to do other than put myself between her and anything she could potentially damage including herself.

A few times I had to restrain her arms, hold her face trying to get her to focus on me, dancing with me holding her close seemed to work a little but nothing worked for long.

She got a little rough with me a few times when I denied her some intimicies she requested and I'd be lying if I said it didn't scare me a little because it did, but it didn't deter me from keeping her safe.

It was exactly 05:13am when I got her to sleep, after reading her a letter of written about all the things I adore about her and playing with her hair a little bit it only worked because she had worn herself out.

The next morning, again no recollection but massive guilt. We agreed that we have some work to do, to work together as a team so we can work as a couple.

The next few days were wonderful until I came home.

That brings us to now, she's acting similar to the way she did after the first time we spent time together.

I'm aware there are a lot of factors that work against us, like distance, work, illnesses etc... .

But I do love her and that's why I'm here.

I'm hoping maybe you guys may have some tips as to how I may be able to communicate better with her and how you handle arguments?

I really haven't experienced anything like this before but I'm not the type of person to do things half heartedly or lightly.

Any advice at all is welcome even blunt truths on BPD.

I just want to be the best that I can be for my partner and hopefully build a long term loving, healthy relationship.

Did I handle her break down correctly or wrong? Should I do anything differently in future or change anything I'm doing now?

Thank you for taking the time to read my story so far, I really hope someone can help me to be better for her. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tryingsome]

You want to improve the relationship, that is great.

I think the biggest question you need to address is why you want to be in this relationship.

I realize she is amazing; but how is she more amazing than anyone else?

What attracts you to her? What makes her special?

I think by answering that you can improve the relationship greatly, because the biggest factor in making this successful is you.

A couple of things, this pattern is going to continue; the push/pull.

Personally, I think it works better when you are physically closer together, if not living together.

This is because of abandonment; and then when you first return enmeshment.

You probably realize things get better once you two are together for a time.

I recommend reading the lessons on the right side of this page.

The will really help with perspective. And you are going to need to look at your GF differently than most people.

It sounds like you are prepared to do this, so you might be successful.

But you can't get rid of the bad; it is just as powerful as the good moments.

Lastly, I am just going to quote you on this:

Beautiful in every single way.

Be careful with the absolutes; there are a greys in her you will never uncover or understand.

Ones that she does not even understand. And you don't have too; pwBPDs love the optimism.

But that beautiful in every single way, will only be mirrored until you don't believe.

Good luck, and keep us informed. Others will likely give more detailed accounts.

[jellybean098]

Hello I've messaged back to this post, think it may have gone as a private message however, may want to check it. Im new to this site

[Chilibean13]

My very first question is Why did you put yourself between her and the wall when she was punching it? You absolutely MUST look out for your own safety. It is better for her to hit a wall than you. Once the physical abuse cycle starts it is almost impossible to stop it without intense counseling for both sides.

If you continue this relationship you should begin looking at yourself first. How do you respond to her? From reading your post it seems as if you are giving the bad behavior a lot of attention. Perhaps you might start looking at how to set up boundaries with her. Remember, you cannot rescue her. She has to learn how to self soothe herself.

Being in a relationship with a pwBPD leads to a difficult life. The sweetness may return for moments, especially in the beginning but over time, those periods will become less and less. The more she draws you in, the easier it is to lash out at you. Your life will be filled with constant drama, arguments, alcoholic rages, suicide attempts/threats, and an inability for your partner to be able to empathize with you and your own hurts. As you are so early in the relationship you may be able to set up things that work before they become engrained patters.

I would suggest that you start by reading the lessons on the right side of the page. As your partner sounds like she becomes physically aggressive you should also click on the "Safety First" link to set up a plan for yourself. You need to take care of yourself emotionally because if not, you will begin to lose yourself and your whole life will be focused on fixing her. You can't love her into changing. She needs to decide to do that for herself, and that means getting into counseling and getting help from professional sources.

[Lemonysnicket]

Thank you all for your replies and advice, I'm definitely going to read all the advice and tools on the page.

I guess it's time to answer some of your questions.

Firstly, why do I want to be in this relationship?

Well maybe I am naive and clueless in asking why not?

I'm aware that I still have a lot to learn but I'm hopeful and willing to do whatever I can to make it work between us.

What makes her special? Her beliefs and morals and yes her personality even if she has struggles going on, she's human, she didn't choose to have her disorder and to a degree I don't think we should have to write ourselves off as doomed before really trying.

We have a lot in common things she'd revealed to me before telling me about her BPD.

The push/ pull thing is something I'm working on and hoping to be able to improve upon in time, I'm willing to move closer to her in time, if we get more serious but obviously with it all being so new I'm a little afraid to up route and move four hours away so quickly.

Why did I put myself between her and the walls?

Simply because it was my first time witnessing her self destructive behaviour and I really had no idea what to do, my first instinct was to protect her in whatever way I could.

I don't want to "fix" my girlfriend as I don't like insinuating that she's broken, yes her brain may function differently and at times I may be the last person on earth to understand her but that's why I'm here... .I want to learn, I want to start our relationship as an informed party and have as good a chance at it being successful as I can.

Therapy is on the cards as we've discussed it a little and I'm hopeful that she'll reattend, medication is an ongoing issue as her doctor merely changes her from one powerful antidepressant to another most of which she says didn't agree with her.

Is it common for BPD's to avoid talking about their treatments or disorders? It's just a very touchy subject with us and I was putting it down to a trust thing.

I'll begin the process of setting boundaries and taking safety measures with her ASAP.

Thank you all for your advice, you've no idea how relieved I am to have found this site.

[tryingsome]

Is it common for BPD's to avoid talking about their treatments or disorders? It's just a very touchy subject with us and I was putting it down to a trust thing.

Well yes, fundamentally it is a trust thing. But this is the type of trust she is will not likely ever going to develop because it comes from core shame. No convincing and telling her how wonderful she is will make this go away; all the wonderful things you will say will likely go out the door once you talk about 'her issues' which often is construed from anything. Goes back to shame and as such real trust will be elusive. Now given that, there is hope. With help she may improve. An important piece is just being there; knowing that she wants you to be there.

[HopeAndCoffee]

Welcome from a fellow newbie

I smiled through most of your post (obviously not the difficult situations you've already encountered); sounds like you fell hard for this girl I think it's great you choose to see her as a person struggling with a difficult disorder (both for her and the people in her life). I choose to see my BPDbf in the same way, though I sometimes need to remind myself that it's not a 'get out of jail free' card - I still need to set my boundaries and enforce them, and make sure I stay safe and take care of myself *first*.

In my experience, BPD can be (and often is) incredibly hard to deal with. It takes its toll. I'm dealing with a chronic illness as well, unfortunately, and learned the hard way that if I didn't protect my boundaries, the emotional drainage had a bad influence on my overall health as well. I'm not going to pretend and say I know what it's like to live with diabetes or what does or does not influence it, but please don't lose track of your own health while trying to be there for her

My bf doesn't like to discuss his treatment either. In his words, that's 'his thing'. I'm fine with that (I see enough results over time that I'm confident he's putting a lot of effort in). Same about his meds, which he doesn't want to take in front of me (as in, he'll just stand there and wait until I'm finished brushing my teeth so he can boot me out of the bathroom ). I agree with tryingsome. Or at least, that's what it is with my bf.

Good luck! I hope you've found a place here where you can learn and share!