Help getting motivated

[Sunfl0wer]

I am having trouble feeling motivated in a consistent way.  I have days where I wake up and have a plan, am ready to hit the ground running.  Then I have days where I start out feeling lost and have less sense of direction and just kind of wander through my day.

So far what is kind of working is to schedule weekly 'prize days' such as an outing to look forward to with a friend.  I admit though, that feels very extrinsic to me and I wish I could generate some consistent motivation from within.

Anyone else struggling with this? 

[eeks]

Hi Sunfl0wer,

I find that what's effective depends on the nature of the thing I am trying to motivate myself to do.

I have currently fallen off my exercise routine (as often happens during the winter) but when I have stuck to it over extended periods of time, I know it works for me to just robotically put on my yoga pants/running shoes/other applicable clothing and accessories and head out, because I know from experience that I won't want to do it when I start but I will feel better after.

I have noticed that even if I've slept adequately, my body just feels like concrete in the morning and I don't want to get out of bed.  I had the insight recently that this may at least partially have something to do with me wanting to be the one who chooses what I do, not because I "have to" or someone else is insisting on it.

If you have things that you just really struggle with, I recommend googling Coherence Therapy.  The principle was not a new one to me, but I like how they look at it, that if there's something you say you want to do but just seem to struggle with it so much, it's not so much the moralistic sounding concept of "not doing it must have a 'payoff'", but viewing symptoms as always being coherent.  Another way of putting that is that you're always trying to meet your own needs, and I see motivation struggles as indicative of the need to find a better strategy to meet all your needs, not just some of them. 

eeks

[Sunfl0wer]

Thanks for replying Eeks,

So I found this site and picked the topic of Underachieving as it is most closely related to how I am feeling:

www.coherencetherapy.org/files/CaseEx-Underachieving.pdf

It makes a lot of sense.  I am going to try to summarize it into the steps for myself to refer to them.

1. Empathy for specific thoughts, feelings, behaviors

2. Ask: What construction exists that makes this symptom more necessary to have than not to have?

3. Integrate this material

4. Pitch a tent in the emotional reality

5. Client realizes that symptoms persist to carry out themes and purposes that feel urgent.  Client agency ensues.

6. When coherence and deep sense of the symptom have become self evident, former notions of being defective, irrational and powerless are dispelled.  Transformation ensues.

So this looks like it can really be very helpful!

Yet... .  I am struggling with finding the 'unconscious construct.'

I almost feel like for every day I feel successful, I 'need' to balance it out with a 'failure' day and alternate.  I can see how I was raised to 'not amount to anything.' Yet I cannot come up with a dialogue with a mom or anything.  I did not really speak to my mom on anything of any meaning. 

What next?  I feel like the construct needs me to 'face' and dialogue with a past person?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Sun-

I have days where I wake up and have a plan, am ready to hit the ground running.  Then I have days where I start out feeling lost and have less sense of direction and just kind of wander through my day.

Hey, don't we all!  The first step for me is to make that OK, don't make myself wrong for it, as long as overall I'm moving in the direction I say I want.

And an important piece is to visualize a compelling future, make that vision big and bright, and then take steps towards it; if it's compelling enough that can get us out of bed in the morning.  And I agree with eeks, exercizing first thing in the morning works best for me, because then I'm guaranteed to do it, instead of the "maybe laters", and my whole day goes better after a healthy sweat at sunrise.  But not only that, it's helpful to fully associate to that vision of my compelling future when I'm working out, get fired up about it because I say so, and beliefs we instill when in a heightened physical state get in there deeper; emotion is created by motion.

And belief conflicts may show up too, like what does it mean to really, truly live a life of your design and your dreams?  Running a belief like "I was raised to not amount to anything" could clash with an empowered one, and addressing that conflict could be profound.  Simply, what could you believe instead?  "Screw them, I'll show them" has been used more than a few times as motivation, the belief being "I get to decide what I amount to, thank you", although we each need to decide if a given belief fits holistically into our model of the world.  You could dig deep into your past and discover the origin of a belief, that may be beneficial, and while you're at it, pick something new to believe instead; the easiest way to fight something is to not fight it, but create something new.  Take care of you!

[eeks]

So this looks like it can really be very helpful!

Yet... .  I am struggling with finding the 'unconscious construct.'

I almost feel like for every day I feel successful, I 'need' to balance it out with a 'failure' day and alternate.  I can see how I was raised to 'not amount to anything.' Yet I cannot come up with a dialogue with a mom or anything.  I did not really speak to my mom on anything of any meaning. 

What next?  I feel like the construct needs me to 'face' and dialogue with a past person?

Not necessarily.  The unconscious construct could be about the world, or about life (e.g. "life has a balance of good and bad, so I'd better have some bad today" or the relationships could be part of it, but in a more tangential way ("if my life fulfillment exceeds x amount, I don't belong in my family anymore"

[Sunfl0wer]

FHTH,

Hey, don't we all!  The first step for me is to make that OK, don't make myself wrong for it, as long as overall I'm moving in the direction I say I want.

Absolutely!  This is where I spiral onto the feeling.

And an important piece is to visualize a compelling future, make that vision big and bright, and then take steps towards it; if it's compelling enough that can get us out of bed in the morning.

I find this very hard.  I think there is an obstacle to this in my mind.  I feel that the obstacle needs removing first in order for my visualization to take secure hold.

Sure, I can 'fake it till I make it,' but this doesn't feel right to me for this situation.

And an important piece is to visualize a compelling future, make that vision big and bright, and then take steps towards it; if it's compelling enough that can get us out of bed in the morning.  And I agree with eeks, exercizing first thing in the morning works best for me, because then I'm guaranteed to do it, instead of the "maybe laters", and my whole day goes better after a healthy sweat at sunrise.  But not only that, it's helpful to fully associate to that vision of my compelling future when I'm working out, get fired up about it because I say so, and beliefs we instill when in a heightened physical state get in there deeper; emotion is created by motion.

I think am exercise is a great idea.  I am currently in a habit of pm exercise as I go with a trainer for a quite vigorous routine (several treacherous hours... .even in the rain!) that leaves me drained and ready for bed.  I am sure there has to be a way to incorporate this idea in am tho.  Maybe I can go for an am walk in the woods, then do some light yoga before breakfast for 30-45 mins?

Yes, I feel working out and being in that positive emotional state severely helpful!  And helpful with my focusing of thoughts for the time after.  I feel so empowered and good about myself.

"Screw them, I'll show them" has been used more than a few times as motivation, the belief being "I get to decide what I amount to, thank you", although we each need to decide if a given belief fits holistically into our model of the world.

The 'screw it' thinking doesn't much do it for me.  I don't believe in self improvement fueled by spite or whatever it would be.  (I don't really believe in 'self improvement' either but for conversation sake... .easier to call it that). I feel that type of thinking would be making it about 'them' vs caring for me.  I exercise, and I make it all about nurturing and caring for me.  Now to somehow translate that thinking in regards to my financial goals and work.

Thanks for helping me wrap my mind around some thoughts!

[Sunfl0wer]

Eeks,

Not necessarily.  The unconscious construct could be about the world, or about life (e.g. "life has a balance of good and bad, so I'd better have some bad today" or the relationships could be part of it, but in a more tangential way ("if my life fulfillment exceeds x amount, I don't belong in my family anymore"

So today I was still mulling this over driving home in traffic.  My mind sort of meandered to look for this 'obstacle' and explore possible constructs.  I felt annoyed and stuck which tells me I must have been getting close to something.  I pretended I was back in my home of my FOO and came home to tell the 'house' that I got a raise.  (I seriously feel so disconnected to that family that a conversation in my head is to the 'house' vs an individual... .it is to the 'community' of that 'family.' Ugh!  Anyways... .)

So the dialogue kinda went like this:

SF: enthusiastic "Guess what guys?  I got a raise!"

House: Oh, great, you want a medal or something?

SF: deflated, confused. "Why is this bad?"

House: "What is wrong with you? Why are you making a stink? You think you're better?  Get the f*** out of here."

SF: feeling defensive, trying to give away some of my wealth to fix the situation and prove I'm not trying to be 'better' than anyone  "No, I don't think I'm better.  I think this raise is helpful for all here."

House: "Well, if you want to be helpful, then get your a** and go vacuum upstairs.  Now THAT would be helpful!"

SF: "I guess I thought someone would be glad."

House: "What for?  You don't do s***!  When you really know what it is like, then I'll be glad, you don't understand anything!"  Begin mockery tone: "If you want someone to be glad, stop running around here like you're hot s*** or something!  Ahh... .look at Sunflower! gets a little raise, thinks she's some s***.  Work hard! Marry a man that makes good money, like I did!  Whatever you have now won't last s*** anyway.  You need a man to support you, it is the only way." "Why don't you make yourself useful and go do the vacuuming like I asked instead of making a fool of yourself!"

Soo... . I think making money and being self reliant is 'bad.'

Now what?

The coherence stuff says to stick in the construct.  I think if I keep repeating the construct some and confront my feelings over and over again I WILL start to 'see' how they are just there serving the purpose to keep me in it.  I do feel that experiencing the construct more can help me separate from it and make it loose power and meaning.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Sun-

And an important piece is to visualize a compelling future, make that vision big and bright, and then take steps towards it; if it's compelling enough that can get us out of bed in the morning.

I find this very hard.  I think there is an obstacle to this in my mind.  I feel that the obstacle needs removing first in order for my visualization to take secure hold.

Sure, I can 'fake it till I make it,' but this doesn't feel right to me for this situation.

It's best to focus on beliefs, values and rules, which are at the core of all of it, and those can be unearthed with the right questions, like:

If I was totally successful, what would that look like, how do I define it? (rules about what "success" means and is)

What would it mean if I was totally successful? (beliefs about yourself and rules about what it takes for you to call it "success"

What would it say about me if I achieved my goals? (beliefs about yourself)

What's preventing me from achieving my goals? (maybe values, maybe beliefs)

Who would I become if I achieved my goals? (beliefs about yourself and your identity)

What's great about my empowered future? (presuppositions that your future will be great and empowered)

How would other people see me if I achieved my goals? (rules, values, beliefs about others, connection vs significance)

What would I lose (or what would I need to let go of) to achieve my goals? (beliefs, values)

So point is, by digging into all of that you may find rules that make it impossible for you to consider yourself "successful", values and beliefs about those values that make building the life of your dreams "bad", or self-sabotaging beliefs proposed by your inner critic that are crap, but you listen sometimes anyway.  Once the disempowering stuff, just software really, is identified, it can be erased or replaced.

And an important piece is to visualize a compelling future, make that vision big and bright, and then take steps towards it; if it's compelling enough that can get us out of bed in the morning.  And I agree with eeks, exercizing first thing in the morning works best for me, because then I'm guaranteed to do it, instead of the "maybe laters", and my whole day goes better after a healthy sweat at sunrise.  But not only that, it's helpful to fully associate to that vision of my compelling future when I'm working out, get fired up about it because I say so, and beliefs we instill when in a heightened physical state get in there deeper; emotion is created by motion.

I think am exercise is a great idea.  I am currently in a habit of pm exercise as I go with a trainer for a quite vigorous routine (several treacherous hours... .even in the rain!) that leaves me drained and ready for bed.  I am sure there has to be a way to incorporate this idea in am tho.  Maybe I can go for an am walk in the woods, then do some light yoga before breakfast for 30-45 mins?

Yes, I feel working out and being in that positive emotional state severely helpful!  And helpful with my focusing of thoughts for the time after.  I feel so empowered and good about myself.

Yeah, me too, nothing like a good workout and a healthy sweat.  And while your sessions with a trainer probably feel good later and move you towards your goals, something that is "treacherous" is something you may not look forward to.  I've been starting my day with a big glass of water and riding a stationary bicycle with the rock n roll cranked, enough to break a sweat, but not intense, something I look forward to, which is the point, and although my dog hates me, she wants to sleep, my day goes much better when I start it right.

"Screw them, I'll show them" has been used more than a few times as motivation, the belief being "I get to decide what I amount to, thank you", although we each need to decide if a given belief fits holistically into our model of the world.

The 'screw it' thinking doesn't much do it for me.  I don't believe in self improvement fueled by spite or whatever it would be.  (I don't really believe in 'self improvement' either but for conversation sake... .easier to call it that). I feel that type of thinking would be making it about 'them' vs caring for me.  I exercise, and I make it all about nurturing and caring for me.  Now to somehow translate that thinking in regards to my financial goals and work.

Really it's about whatever gets us off our asses, anger is good for that, but it's not sustainable, we need to make it about ourselves eventually.  Just for practice, what could you believe instead of "I can see how I was raised to 'not amount to anything.'"

[eeks]

(I seriously feel so disconnected to that family that a conversation in my head is to the 'house' vs an individual... .it is to the 'community' of that 'family.' Ugh!  Anyways... .)

Actually this could be telling... .maybe it is a recognition on your part that they are not emotionally differentiated from one another, do not have identities of their own?

Soo... . I think making money and being self reliant is 'bad.'

Now what?

The coherence stuff says to stick in the construct.  I think if I keep repeating the construct some and confront my feelings over and over again I WILL start to 'see' how they are just there serving the purpose to keep me in it.  I do feel that experiencing the construct more can help me separate from it and make it loose power and meaning.

Some of the other case studies recommend writing (with the help of your therapist, but we can help you here) your best understanding of the unconscious construct on a card, hanging it on your fridge and reading it twice a day.

So it sounds like the goal that's emerged has something to do with your career and finances.

Does this seem like an accurate statement of your construct?  "I need to not make too much money and be financially reliant on a man in order to feel connected to my family, and prove I'm not trying to be better than them."

[joeramabeme]

Hi SF, Thought I would chime in here as I haven't said hi in awhile and wanted to encourage you. 

I like what Eeeks and H2H had to say.

Perhaps I can add one thing to the dialogue that I have found helpful to me.  I start every morning in some form of meditative consciousness that focuses my mind; ideally 15 minutes or more or as much as I can.  My meditation doesn't have to be focused on a goal, it could be just a thought or something I want to be aware of.  Lately, it has been that I want to be aware when my mind is slipping into story telling about my r/s history to myself (ya - I talk with myself alot!) 

In the morning I try and focus on being aware that I have good things in my life and have a list of items that I can recall and that I will recall this list when my mind starts chattering.  It takes effort, but I find this process can take on a life of its own and start bringing other focused-awarenesses about what I do want in my life; move forward and enjoy the day, see the good in others etc. 

I have heard that success begets success.  Starting small with something easy can be the first success; I will mix my coffee so it is 1/2 decaf.  Gradually, these thoughts can build into a larger sense of movement that will allow you to stay motivated in whatever areas you would like to focus on.

And may I point out something to you, you are very motivated about self-improvement, a constant since I have seen you on this board... .

[jhkbuzz]

Hey Sunfl0wer! Lots of good stuff has been said here, so I'm going to keep it simple:

Have some compassion for yourself! I looked at your first post - you posted almost a year ago today, and it looks like you lived with your ex until May.

That's not a very long time. You're still grieving and trying to make sense of what you've gone through.

At 6 months after she moved out I was still pretty much a mess. At a year out I was struggling, but stronger. Now a year and a half out, I recognize that anything I'm still struggling with is my "stuff" and has nothing to do with her.

Be gentle with yourself 

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey all! Thanks for the thoughts and support!

So I am still thinking of my motivation and am glad to report it is improving some.  What is different is that I have adjusted to my training routines better and am not dreading them.  I am seeing results, this is motivating.  The exercise is helping me have more energy and it provides structure for many aspects of my life.  For ex: I know what time to get home from work so as not to miss a workout, my meals are planned for carbs at right times to help, and I just overall am more acclimated to the routine, it is working well for me.

FHTH:

I was actually worried that the routine was too 'treacherous.'  However, I did some research on both the exercise and the trainer, and yes while it is intense, however, is also quite effective.  I have more faith in my routine now.  I did struggle with whether or not to cut down... .but after learning how fortunate I am to have such a good trainer, I realized I could instead change my attitude from treacherous, to enjoyable.  I focus on more positive thoughts and associations with my routine... .I am now happy to report much true enjoyment!

Eeks:

Actually this could be telling... .maybe it is a recognition on your part that they are not emotionally differentiated from one another, do not have identities of their own?

Yes, that is interesting and also accurate.

(There may still be FOO work for me to do... .hard to tell... .seems like I have spent my life on FOO stuff... .I have.  I am open to exploring this if it is the case... .just not so sure if it is issue atm.)

Some of the other case studies recommend writing (with the help of your therapist, but we can help you here) your best understanding of the unconscious construct on a card, hanging it on your fridge and reading it twice a day.

So it sounds like the goal that's emerged has something to do with your career and finances.

Does this seem like an accurate statement of your construct?  "I need to not make too much money and be financially reliant on a man in order to feel connected to my family, and prove I'm not trying to be better than them."

Humm, I cannot truthfully state that I want to feel connected to that family.  I do not really think of them as "my family."  However, the constructs I created while growing up are still like weeds in my present day life.

Maybe the construct is more like: People who make money and are successful must not be caring or meaningful people.  If I want to be a caring meaningful person, then I should remain in poverty.  They are different than me, I was not made to be independent. I am not worthy of positive things.

So while I am ok and have financially well off friends that I do not feel I judge, I only apply that construct to myself, not 'all people' I think.

Joe: Thanks for the kind words!  I would like to do some meditative am focus.  My mornings are more rushed than I prefer, I keep forgetting.  Maybe I can write myself some kind words in the evening on a paper and put it in or under my tea cup so I have a nice surprise of a thought to meditate on in the am.

JHK: Thank you for the reminder.  I do need to hear it is ok to be gentle to myself. It prompted me to go back and look at my first few posts.  Wow!  It is hard to see from that first post, but I remember the feelings hidden under my words... .that was such a painful, painful, confusing time.  I was terrified of embarking on a new life.  Today, I would never want to go back and live in Feb 2015 again!

[eeks]

Hi Sunfl0wer, glad to hear your motivation is improving!   

Eeks:

Actually this could be telling... .maybe it is a recognition on your part that they are not emotionally differentiated from one another, do not have identities of their own?

Yes, that is interesting and also accurate.

(There may still be FOO work for me to do... .hard to tell... .seems like I have spent my life on FOO stuff... .I have.  I am open to exploring this if it is the case... .just not so sure if it is issue atm.)

I hear you.  You found yourself in an imaginary dialogue with your family members and shared that with us, so I went with it  The most important thing is to explore whatever emotion or memory does come up for you, don't force it if it's not there.

Humm, I cannot truthfully state that I want to feel connected to that family.  I do not really think of them as "my family."  However, the constructs I created while growing up are still like weeds in my present day life.

Right.  When I said it, I was referring to those "weeds" (which I would call survival strategies)

Maybe the construct is more like: People who make money and are successful must not be caring or meaningful people.  If I want to be a caring meaningful person, then I should remain in poverty.  They are different than me, I was not made to be independent. I am not worthy of positive things.

This sounds like a solid statement of your beliefs.  If this is the "bottom" of it, then fair enough.  However, it sounds to me like there could be something else here.  You don't have to use all these questions and I recommend taking your time with them.

Why is it important to you to be "caring" and "meaningful"?  Are those things valuable in and of themselves, or does it give you something to be that way?  (e.g. approval, respect, belonging... .)

When I say "a person who has a lot of money and is successful but isn't caring or meaningful", what comes to your mind?

Imagine, for a moment, yourself being "independent" (whatever that looks like for you) and having created for yourself the life you desire.  What feelings come up?  

[fromheeltoheal]

FHTH:

I was actually worried that the routine was too 'treacherous.'  However, I did some research on both the exercise and the trainer, and yes while it is intense, however, is also quite effective.  I have more faith in my routine now.  I did struggle with whether or not to cut down... .but after learning how fortunate I am to have such a good trainer, I realized I could instead change my attitude from treacherous, to enjoyable.  I focus on more positive thoughts and associations with my routine... .I am now happy to report much true enjoyment!

I had a great workout yesterday, really fired up, and I'm sore as hell today, but it's the best kind of pain.  Soreness is weakness leaving... .

People who make money and are successful must not be caring or meaningful people. 

If I want to be a caring meaningful person, then I should remain in poverty. 

They are different than me, I was not made to be independent.

I am not worthy of positive things.

These are beliefs, and the easiest way to fight something is don't fight it, create something new.  So what beliefs could you come up with to believe instead?  And it's not some trite language exercise; once you come up with a replacement belief, fully associate to it, condition it, and then look for references that support it, it becomes your belief.

So play here.  Let's try one:

If I want to be a caring meaningful person, then I should remain in poverty.

 

Questions are a great way to come up with alternative, like is it possible to be rich, caring and meaningful?  Have I ever known or known of someone who is rich, caring and meaningful?  If-then statements are rules, and asking the right questions can make you question a limiting rule, which undermines it.

So anyway.  How about "If I attain massive resources I can take my innate caring and live it large, become more meaningful and touch more people's lives than I ever thought imaginable."  Went a little off on that one, although it may work for you, you get the point.  Got any good ones for the rest?

[Sunfl0wer]

Eh, it has been a slump of a week here for me.  I am feeling so down, it is hard to sort out simple stuff to get on a positive track.

Ok... .well... .let me start by trying to read and respond... .

Eeks:

This sounds like a solid statement of your beliefs.  If this is the "bottom" of it, then fair enough.  However, it sounds to me like there could be something else here.  You don't have to use all these questions and I recommend taking your time with them.

Why is it important to you to be "caring" and "meaningful"?  Are those things valuable in and of themselves, or does it give you something to be that way?  (e.g. approval, respect, belonging... .)

You are quite talented at picking up on things, that is for sure.

I am not sure about the 'construct' or belief I came up with... .something about it is not quite right.

It is important for me to be 'caring' because unless I am doing acts of service or somewhat bringing the other person value, I am nothing... .or... .I am in debt. I am not ok... .just 'being.'  I need others to be pleased, appreciative of me... .so I can feel worthy of being around them... .and not feel I owe them.  This is how it played out in my FOO... .  I had to care for my parents in some way, or stay out of the way.  I was never allowed to share myself and have others appreciate that aspect of me... .it was always in relation of what it brought to them.  If something was done for me even If I didn't want it, I often paid a price.

It is hard for me right now to imagine things... .I will try later when not feeling as depressed, thanks.

FHTH:

Thank you for sharing your enthusiasm for your workout! 

I love feeling the soreness and associating accomplishment with it!  I have not exercised in a week, partly because I haven't felt well, and partly for giving into my depressive mood.  I am honestly nervous to exercise... .last week it turned into a bit of a trigger for me... .which is unfortunate... .maybe something to chat in therapy about tomorrow... .as exercise feels necessary to my emotional well being.

Re creating something new... .  That sounds similar to where Eeks was headed.  To have me visualize another reality, and maybe even a reality I may want to make as part of my identity seems to make sense.

I do feel like there is an obstacle to holding onto these thoughts that contradict my 'beliefs.'

Sounds like you are suggesting I play with the 'beliefs' and challenge them some to see what I can work out?

Humm... .so I am again a bit stuck on what the original belief is that I am challenging... .

Definitely rings true:  I need to prove my worth when with others.

So if I think about that... .  If I am just 'being' while in another's company and not doing something to bring them value... .  Well... .I can be ok for a bit here and there, but eventually I will get antsy and not feel like I have 'a place' or 'a role' in the relationship or interaction.  It makes me anxious.  I may get up and clean or fix something.

I guess I feel like nothing when not offering up something... .and feel more content when I can share part of me to be helpful to another.

I think to challenge that thinking, I'd have to convince myself that I am worthy... .just being.  Yet, I am not convinced.

I'm not so sure I played with those thoughts enough... .humm.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Sun-

Thank you for sharing your enthusiasm for your workout!  

I love feeling the soreness and associating accomplishment with it!  I have not exercised in a week, partly because I haven't felt well, and partly for giving into my depressive mood.  I am honestly nervous to exercise... .last week it turned into a bit of a trigger for me... .which is unfortunate... .maybe something to chat in therapy about tomorrow... .as exercise feels necessary to my emotional well being.

I do feel like there is an obstacle to holding onto these thoughts that contradict my 'beliefs.'

Sounds like you are suggesting I play with the 'beliefs' and challenge them some to see what I can work out?

Yes, a belief is that beliefs are like software, they are not the computer.  And some beliefs may contradict other ones and create a belief conflict: a somewhat cheesy example is "look before you leap" and "he who hesitates is lost", which one's right?  Well, neither and both, it depends, but trying to run them both at the same time sets up a conflict.  And there are beliefs we don't know we have and ones that are disempowering, point is to identify the beliefs we do have, whether they're serving us or not, and if there are conflicts or not, the strongest beliefs being who we believe we are, our identity.

You can start to elicit your beliefs with questions, some of which I listed earlier in this thread, and then adopt the belief that since beliefs are like software, we can erase and/or replace disempowering beliefs with empowering ones.

Now tying that into exercise, emotion is created by motion, and choosing to believe something empowering while in a heightened physical state "installs" that belief in your nervous system.  You mention exercise had become a trigger for you; when we make "A Workout" a thing it can become unwieldy, something we're not looking forward to or are going to do.  An alternative that has been working for me is to first develop a list of empowering beliefs, which come out of the stuff I described above and is as simple as asking "what can I believe instead", and then going for a brisk walk first thing in the morning, fast enough to break a healthy sweat, and while you're doing it, focus on your new beliefs, saying them out loud works even better, your neighbors won't mind, and you can call them affirmations, incantations, whatever, don't get caught up in the terms, just fully associate to a belief you want, feel it, see it, hear it, be it, while you're sweating your butt off.  :)oing that first thing in the morning will set the tone for the whole day, and doing it most mornings, repetition, will set the tone for an empowered life.  We can have any kind of life we want, beliefs are at the core of it, and it just takes designing that life we want and installing it, proactively.

Humm... .so I am again a bit stuck on what the original belief is that I am challenging... .

Definitely rings true:  I need to prove my worth when with others.

So if I think about that... . If I am just 'being' while in another's company and not doing something to bring them value... . Well... .I can be ok for a bit here and there, but eventually I will get antsy and not feel like I have 'a place' or 'a role' in the relationship or interaction.  It makes me anxious.  I may get up and clean or fix something.

I guess I feel like nothing when not offering up something... .and feel more content when I can share part of me to be helpful to another.

I think to challenge that thinking, I'd have to convince myself that I am worthy... .just being.  Yet, I am not convinced.

I'm not so sure I played with those thoughts enough... .humm.

First off, I need to prove my worth when with others is a belief; what could you believe instead?

And another thing I've been practicing lately is what I call blurt mode, spew my truth to someone for two reasons: one, because it's true, and two, to see what reaction I get.  My experience is some people will judge me negatively, some people will offer unsolicited advice, some people will clam up and frown, which may be a judgement or may be indication I just said something that hits close to home for them and they don't want to face it, or at least not share it with me.  Whatever, the point is that sharing our truths with other people, taking a risk and expressing vulnerability, with part of the focus being seeing what we get back, is a way to see who is empowering and who is disempowering, the goal being to populate our lives with empowering people and remove the disempowering ones.  Who we are is who we are in relation to other people (another belief), and there is nothing more comfortable than spewing our truth and being accepted by someone, warts and all, no matter what, and us them.  Someone else considering us worthy goes a long way to helping us believe we are, and noticing what we get from people when we're vulnerable is the right focus to decide who those someones are.

[Sunfl0wer]

Disclaimer: Ok, so my mind is really not well organized in my thinking today.  (Had little sleep)

Yet, I have hope that I will have some lightbulb moments as I sit with this thread for extended time... .because in it, the issues of motivation and inner my critic thinking being a huge obstacle, are things that if clairty occurs, this would be quite impactful and meaningful to me.

There is still much for me to ponder her that I have not, I will come back again... .

However, a thought occurred to me that I wanted to record somewhere.

I remember feeling suffering as a child.  I remember being baffled at the scope and extent of my ability to receive, experience and feel such greatness of suffering.  I remember questioning this in my thoughts and trying to make sense of it.  Maybe I was around 6-9 yrs old.  My thoughts went like this:

Why should Life allow a child to suffer so?

How could I have done anything to deserve such a painful life and existence, as I am too young to possibly have offended and harmed Life in anyway to render myself 'worthy' of such suffering?

What point is this for this ALL to occur to me? 

I recall feelings of being so different than eveyone else because I did not know a single person who had been through some of the life experiences I had been through, and further, I had been through an accumulation of such painful experiences that I felt wouldn't even been suitible to disperse upon a population of peoples.  It certainly could not be real.  This had to be an awful TV show, prank of some sort that HAD to make a turn and give me enough goodness to compensate for the pain I had already endured and could not be taken away from me.  I promised to be grateful if such goodness occurred.

I wondered if I had done something horrendous in a previous life, yet I would not even wish my life upon Hitler himself for his sins.

However, I also argued that it could not be a TV show as even ABC after school specials only focused on one trauma per show.  They did not seem suitable for a character to suffer more than one main struggle and it would be unrelatable and cruel to impose 100 or more horrors on such a TV character.  I guess my point here is to recall how unfathomable this all felt... .certainly not suitable for any real reality of a human existence.

Anyway... .

I just allowed myself to ramble... .lost my point.

I think that my suffering is part of my meaning. 

Maybe part of the narrative is that without suffering, there is little meaning to my existence.

I held onto my suffering, as I wanted it to have a voice.

So i can think and challenge... .

How dies suffering actually serve me?  What has been the real result?

How can I find meaning without suffering?  Or maybe... .realize that life is inherent with giving me the suffering it wants... .learn to be satisfied and find meaning in the suffering that I am given... .to such an extent that I have little desire to create more.

Humble myself and realize that it is not my role to cause myself suffering just as it is not my role to cause to another... .allow Life to assume that role.  Let go of trying to control my suffering!

Maybe my shift... .

Is to learn to release my hold on my suffering.  It is not for me to control and create... .but just to observe and allow.

Release means allowing financial benefits, social benefits, and more.  (It is hard for me to still get to the point to talk on the future painted positive and imagining this resolved... .i will listen to this feeling as an indicator that facing the obstacle is still needed before jumping to a future visualization)

I think as long as I am unconsciously clinging to this identity as a sufferer, then I am creating situations where when I feel good, I can self sabbotage in a way that is painful enough to bring meaning, but not so painful to crush me.

This shift of moving from surviving to thriving feels like climbing up a metal fence... .loosing my footing in the diamond shapes... .wondering if I should climb again... .and struggling with the cold and awkward fit of the metal diamond holes on my hands and feet.  It feels like I do not fit, and am tresspassing.

Thank you for allowing me to ramble... .

Hopefully later I can come back and make more sense of my thoughts.