My father totally shamed me

[unicorn2014]

As some of you may know my brother and I are a part of a probate case that my dad set in motion. We had a paper due yesterday regarding the case that I had to ask for an extension on due to complications with my daughter. My attorneys granted it with out a problem. My father on the other hand has been harassing me with all kinds of name calling, put downs, insults, to get it done! He accused me of being bad client, implied I had nothing better to do then this paper. I can't talk to my father about his granddaughter because he will just tell me to abandon and neglect her, she's 15, she can take care of herself. Never mind the fact that in addition to the sleep lab I had to take her to this week, two of her teachers contacted me about her drop in performance, she went missing the other night, and then she went missing again on the school campus when it was time for her assessment. My father wouldn't care about any of that. He won't accept the fact that I have PTSD and a learning disability, he'd rather call me every name in the book. In fact the last time I saw my NP I got diagnosed with a mood disorder because this whole ordeal has made me feel so bad.

Long story short I had to block my dad on my iPhone so he can't call or text me. I've never had to do that before.

The implications for this are long reaching as I am beginning to see that this was how he treated me in middle school and high school and now my life is starting to make a whole lot more sense to me and its scary.

[busybee1116]

Setting boundaries is hard. Whether he shamed you or not, he totally disrespected the other responsibilities you have in your life, and it sounds like you appropriately asked for an extension from lawyers rather than just blowing it off. Once this probate issue is fully settled, do you think things will improve with your father? Will you maintain contact?

[unicorn2014]

Setting boundaries is hard. Whether he shamed you or not, he totally disrespected the other responsibilities you have in your life, and it sounds like you appropriately asked for an extension from lawyers rather than just blowing it off. Once this probate issue is fully settled, do you think things will improve with your father? Will you maintain contact?

I actually unblocked him today after he forwarded me some legal emails. Not only did he disrespect the other responsibilities I have, he totally shamed and blamed me. I've tried to talk to him before about my mental health and learning disabilities and he totally blows them off. Seeing as I'm the firstborn and seeing how abusive he is now, its totally beginning to make sense to me why I'm in the state I'm in. I was actually reviewing my 8th step from my ACA program. My father scares me, however in some ways my partner and my ex are even worse. They are all bad men in one or another. Since it all stems from my dad, I believe that once I start addressing my issues with my dad my relationships with men will start improving, in other words I will stop being taken advantage of. That is my hope, at least.

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014

I am sorry to hear you are having these unpleasant experiences with your dad. His behavior does seem abusive and controlling.

The implications for this are long reaching as I am beginning to see that this was how he treated me in middle school and high school and now my life is starting to make a whole lot more sense to me and its scary.

What scares you the most about these realizations?

Seeing as I'm the firstborn and seeing how abusive he is now, its totally beginning to make sense to me why I'm in the state I'm in. I was actually reviewing my 8th step from my ACA program. My father scares me, however in some ways my partner and my ex are even worse. They are all bad men in one or another. Since it all stems from my dad, I believe that once I start addressing my issues with my dad my relationships with men will start improving, in other words I will stop being taken advantage of. That is my hope, at least.

It makes sense to me that the problems you had and unfortunately still have with your dad, could influence your relationships with other men. Also when it comes to your father, boundaries are crucial. Do you feel comfortable setting boundaries with your father? How does the thought of setting boundaries with him make you feel?

[unicorn2014]

Hi Kwamina, I just talked to my brother and he also feels that our dad is being out of control on this particular issues (probate case). Its a real shift for me to look at my dad as abusive and controlling as previously I looked at my partner that way, and my dad as neglectful. I think this probate case is bringing out whole different side of my dad that I have never seen before and its making me realize all kinds of things about him. Its chilling.

I was talking to my partner yesterday and realizing that I might not initiate a conversation with my dad again until I start working as my dad only values people if they are working and currently my disability is preventing that while I am dealing with parenting issues. That would solve the problem. I used to try to make an effort to see my dad, to tell him when I was coming into the city and ask him if he wants to get together, or to ask him what movies he wants to see, but now that I know he is abusive and controlling I am having second thoughts about pursuing a relationship with him.

It breaks my heart to be saying this but I believe if I let him go and don't  pursue a relationship with him, there wouldn't be much of a relationship there. My mom is even more distant.