Hanging in

[foggydew]

I'm having real difficulty at the moment... not to be triggered by BPD friend's behaviour. He's having a really bad patch, drinking too much, feeling depressed, disliking himself ... and he takes it out on me. Sometimes he won't speak to me, or says things so softly that I don't hear, and if I ask him to repeat it he snarls at me and says I wouldn't understand anyway, so it's a waste of time. He provokes and baits, etc, etc... so I try to keep contact down. There have been these phases before, and he really does need someone to keep calm and be around. His job is causing him problems as he has long phases of being inactive and can't deal with boredom. They have also noticed his drinking... .I don't know how safe the job is now.

I find it difficult to be so devalued constantly and to ignore it mostly, and I tend to complain then to people I shouldn't, and say things about him to people I know. It lessens my tension at first, but then I feel bad about it.

I also miss the person he often is (we all know this problem) . I've asked him if he would prefer it if I didn't stay so long, but he says he doesn't care, it makes no difference if I'm there or not. And as I share the rent and enjoy being in the area, visiting friends, etc, I don't specially want to stop going. So I just want to bite my teeth together and keep going until it blows over. But the idea of actually spending time in his presence is getting pretty unattractive.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

I know it is hard to be devalued, lambasted, etc... by someone you care about.  It is very hard to not take it personally and it hurts when someone treats you like that, friend or not.   When people do this to me I try to just let it pass over me not through me.  I don't need to internally process the verbal garbage and by not doing so it makes it much easier to not take things personally, especially when you know what is being said or the behavior isn't because of something I did or said.  Does this help?

[foggydew]

Yes, thanks, it helps. I know it theoretically, but when it continues for some time I need some kind of support so that I don't take it personally. It feels as if you are that person's worst enemy, and that they want you out of their life. This is a problem I have anyway if people don't keep contact with me... so it destabilises me to some extent if I'm really alone and can't talk about it. Guess I need a bit of verbal stroking sometimes. Thanks! :-)

[C.Stein]

It is hard to not jump to conclusions when faced with this kind of behavior.  If you need to limit your contact to maintain your own emotional well being then that is OK.  Don't feel guilty for protecting yourself if you find it difficult to face the dysregulated onslaught.   

[foggydew]

Well, tonight he made contact again and was quiet and charming and considerate. No disregulating, just normal. But with alcohol. Maybe the phase is over for now... we will see. I will see him tomorrow, and he is making plans for us for next weekend, and throwing out suggestions for things we could do together. But when it looks like something concrete he becomes vague again. I'm just trying to be quiet, pleasant and supportive. It is so confusing. I'm glad at least I can say something about it on here.