This will never end

[JerryRG]

I had a horrible night and I now know why, I'm not psychic but I have always had this strange unknown connection with my ex. We would text at random times of  night and day almost simotaneously and we would answer each other all the time, saying the same things. Yep Strange.

Anyway she has had little contact with our son for almost 4 months and I got a text this morning that our son has been spending more time with mom. That he misses her and cries to be home with her, (funny because when she would come to visit him when I had him he would run into my arms and shake in fear)

So now after she is cured from her lupus and not dying (all lies) she wants him in her life.

Just last week she said she would give him up to Social Services.

We all know she's extremely mentally ill and her mother surely knows too but YEP lets just send him back into her care so she can destroy him.

I am extreamly angry right now, thinking he was now safe, I cannot afford a lawyer and take him away, I may call Child Protection one more time and beg them to intervene but I'm sure they will blow mw off, as usual or they will suggest I go to court. DAMN IT

[Lonely_Astro]

Jerry,

I've followed some of your story.  I'm sorry that you're having a hard go at life right now with cancer and all that.  You may or may not want to read what's about to come next from me, as its blunt.  If you don't feel strong enough to hear it, stop reading now.

If you're still reading this, then you're still reading... .

I think the one losing in this situation is your child.  You posted this morning that you're ready to walk away from him to get away from the nightmare.  Then you said you're wanting to stay around for them.  While noble, I'm confused at to what you want.  You may be confused too and that's ok.  But, I'm not sure what you're wanting to get from us here on the detaching board. 

Simply put, I don't know what you want.  You seem to be all over the place and perhaps you would get more from the Deciding board, rather than the detaching board.  But one thing is certain, you two have a child together.  There will ALWAYS be contact between you two because of this.  That is an unalterable law, unless you seek full time custody of your child... .something you seem torn on wanting to do. 

My advice is to speak to a professional (both a therapist and a lawyer), asap.  You can also speak to your local legal aide office about legal matters, since you mentioned you can't afford an attorney.  All we can do here is offer basic advice on how to detach from failed relationships with our exes.  So, I've offered my advice on how to proceed.  It's up to you on if you take that advice.  Others may or may not chime in as well.

Good luck.

[JerryRG]

Thank you Loney_Astro I'm not sure what I need, I am exhausted and that makes me not think, things will be ok no matter what happens, I escaped my ex BPD and that alone should be reason to celebrate each day with a smile on my face. Thanks again

[Lonely_Astro]

Thank you Loney_Astro I'm not sure what I need, I am exhausted and that makes me not think, things will be ok no matter what happens, I escaped my ex BPD and that alone should be reason to celebrate each day with a smile on my face. Thanks again

Exhaustion leads to not clearly thinking.  Thats for sure.  We all experienced that when we were going through the dark tunnel that is a BPD r/s.  I suffered bouts of insomnia and when I did sleep, it wasn't uncommon to have nightmares. 

I don't want my earlier post to seem as if I were dismissing you.  I am just confused as to what you're seeking.  As I said, you may not know yourself just yet... .which is also why I recommended you going to see a therapist ASAP.  They can help you sort through everything that's going on.  You have a lot more on your plate with your health issues, child issues, etc. 

Once again, I'm sorry you're going through this situation.  Keep moving forward.

[JerryRG]

Thank you Lonely_Astro, I'm just venting as not many people outside these forums can begin to understand what we've been through. My councilor  pretty much dismisses my pain and suffering with a "just get over it" They just don't understand. Thank God they do not. I haven't been able to sleep well for a while now, no reason I guess. My ex would stay up all night while I worked and she would storm into our bedroom flip the lights on 2, 3, 4 in the morning and yes! Leave the lights on and leave the room. Omg what a nut, and no wonder I lost my mind . No one could make this stuff up.

Thanks again. I'm walking forward out of this hellish fog.

[Lonely_Astro]

Thank you Lonely_Astro, I'm just venting as not many people outside these forums can begin to understand what we've been through. My councilor  pretty much dismisses my pain and suffering with a "just get over it" They just don't understand. Thank God they do not. I haven't been able to sleep well for a while now, no reason I guess. My ex would stay up all night while I worked and she would storm into our bedroom flip the lights on 2, 3, 4 in the morning and yes! Leave the lights on and leave the room. Omg what a nut, and no wonder I lost my mind . No one could make this stuff up.

Thanks again. I'm walking forward out of this hellish fog.

Some counsellors/therapist aren't a good fit for their client.  It's just the way it is.  You can either tell your counselor that you feel like your feelings are being dismissed or you can find another one.  Please don't think they all take the same approach to things because they don't.

4 years ago when my r/s with J ended, I went to see a T.  I told her that I had been involved with a girl with BPD (4mo r/s).  Her reaction was "you need to put that girl out of your mind. She did you a favor by leaving before you got to far with her."  I felt dismissed.  I told the T so.  Then she sat down and explained to me just how serious of a mental illness BPD is.  How there's no cure.  How she has issues so far embedded in her psyche that no one could ever make them happy.  It was eye opening to say the least.  That led to me reading and educating myself on cluster b (and other) disorders.  But, that's how I am. 

As time passed, I took my T's advice and immediately began to distance myself from J.  3 years passed that I didn't speak to her, even at work.  We reconnected, which started off as a lie.  Even with all my knowledge of typical BPD behavior, I believed what she told me.  Big mistake.

The reason your ex came in and kept turning on the light was most likely due to her feeling neglected because you were asleep. I get you were working and had to sleep sometime, but you have to shift your perspective to 'see' how they perceive things.  Maybe she was trying to communicate with you.  If you dismissed this as 'crazy behavior' and argued with her about the lights, then most likely she felt like you were dismissing her feelings.  Remember, BPDs don't have the emotional maturity to tell you they're trying to communicate.  They automatically presume you can read their minds.  When you can't (bc no one can), they get mad because you "should've known" what they were trying to tell you.  Of course that's all speculation.  One thing I'm certain of is that she was trying to convey something to you, even if it didn't make sense to you, it did to her.

Now, not understanding how she was trying to convey communication isn't your fault.  choosing to be in a r/s with a pwBPD takes patience, understanding, and acceptance beyond anything you've ever attempted before.  Even then, the odds of you being successful are slim to none, especially if the pwBPD isn't seeking help (i.e. DBT, etc).  Even if they are, the odds are still not in your favor.

Keep healing.

[JerryRG]

Thanks again Lonely_Astro and no I couldn't understand her even if I really loved her or not. Non of this makes sense at all. She had moments when she could open up but her tortured soul would show through and I could see the desperation in her face, eyes. She does live in pure hell, but I couldn't stay with her or I would die too. She literally asked me to kill myself with her. I laughed it off but she was serious. Her pain was just too much, I could see her beautiful soul but it wasn't real. She mirrored me and my likes and hobbies and then jealous of everything I did. I had to play down all my accomplishments to make her feel better. I would praise her and she would smile and that was it. Nothing back. My daughter says she feels sorry for her because she knows she's horribly sad. Is it my fault? Do I have to die so she can live? I became less and less until I no longer existed then with one last breath in my lungs I would swim to the surface terrified and angry and swim away for my life. Tonight she posted on FB that I was just the guy who made my son and that her bf stepped up to be my son's dad. I missed one day with my son in the past year and a half and she turns her hate and lies on me. No end to the depths of her pain, revenge, anger, hatred, sickness.

And that... .

Is why... .

I told her... .

To get... .

The F**K!

Out of my life!

She will not destroy me!

[JerryRG]

I have decided to walk away from our son for now, she will destroy him and her family knows it yet hands him right back to her. I can't protect him anymore and all alone. Her insults and hatred will consume her and I cannot be around it or her. Let the chips fall where they may, I am not God. I've done all I can do to save his life. Let her burn... .

[Lonely_Astro]

I have decided to walk away from our son for now, she will destroy him and her family knows it yet hands him right back to her. I can't protect him anymore and all alone. Her insults and hatred will consume her and I cannot be around it or her. Let the chips fall where they may, I am not God. I've done all I can do to save his life. Let her burn... .

You need to contact a T and a lawyer, now.  I, as a father myself, could never allow my child to be in an abusive home. Ever.  That's what you're claiming he's in and you're turning your back on an innocent party, condoning that abuse by doing so.  You just sat there and said "she will destroy him" and you seem to think that walking away from him is the answer.  He should be your primary concern above all else.

Get professional help, Jerry. Everyone in this situation deserves that, especially your son.