My Story

[snowmonkey]

Five years ago (when I was 37) I met a woman who was a widow with two young boys. She had been left in an awful predicament as 2 years previously, her husband had thrown himself from the 11th floor of a hotel room after a few previous attempts at suicide. I felt huge sympathy for her, but was also extremely attracted to her and we entered into an intense relationship.

Largely, I believed, I helped her (somewhat), get her life back on track. This took a huge effort on my part; essentially I did everything around the house, I supported her emotionally, I financially supported her, I took care of her boys and tried to be the father they had lost. But you know, I didn't mind doing this, I felt good about myself. Who wouldn't do everything in their power to help someone who had obviously suffered so much? It was just an added bonus that she was very attractive and was always very willing in bed. Additionally, we started trying for a baby as she was desperate for a daughter and I wanted a child too.

However, all was for from well. She exhibited all the characteristics that I now come to recognise as indicators of BPD (rages, threats of suicide, impulsivity, you name them; she exhibited them). I accepted these somewhat as I reasoned; of course someone is going to be messed up after what had happened. I can live with some of these things, they will get better over time I reasoned, but the thing I can not tolerate is infidelity. When I started to dig a little, I see that she is sexting other men, I dig a little further and find just how bad her behaviour is: she is (and had been long before I knew her) performing on webcam for her dead husband's best friend. I couldn't accept this and so I told her to break of all contact with these other men or she can leave and find a new home to live in.

As you can guess, she didn't take well to this ultimatum, became more overt in her contact with other men and left two weeks later to move to the other side of the country. To top things off, she took great offense at the texts I sent to her, initially wanting to talk about things but then calling her a sl*t. So, it turns out in Australia that that is enough to take out a restraining order on someone (even if they are 3600km away). I was in a mess.

There was someone who I had devoted so much time, energy, money, love, emotion etc... to, but she had left me to be with someone she hadn't even met. She had abused me physically, mentally, emotionally, but then she fabricated in court that I was abusive to her (not for the first time it turns out, as I was the third guy she had taken a restraining order on). I couldn't believe what was happening. My life had been normal before then.

I had spent thousands of dollars on cots, prams, clothes, toys everything for a new baby that it seemed we both so desperately wanted. To me, our new baby already existed, we were just waiting for it to come along (and enjoying trying to make it). But then, almost out of nowhere... .I could be thrown in jail if I even just tried to speak to her! I had never been so low. Even her two boys had been taken away from me, I had been as much as a father as they had ever had from their biological one.

This was the story of my first BPD GF, although it took another two years for me to process what had really happened and who she really was.

Anyway, after we broke up, I met an amazing woman (my current BPD GF) about 3 months later. This was 3 years ago. She was so empathetic to my plight, she was intelligent, she was beautiful, she was exciting, she (as I now understand) idealised me. I fell completely in love with her. I went from being totally messed up from my ex, to being indescribably happy.

Within a month we were in Europe on holiday together and I was just allowing myself to be carried away. My thought processes were; I deserve this, after what I had just been through, I deserve the love of a woman this wonderful.

But, I am sure you can guess the rest of the story... .the woman I really got was my second BPD GF. (And this one has been diagnosed by two separate psychiatrists... .even if she rejects the diagnosis).

Soon, our story changed from her providing strength to me, to me supporting her (she has been on worker's compensation for 4 years, she believes she suffers from PTSD... .she might do, but it is comorbid with BPD, she was going through a divorce, her daughter was self-harming, etc... .). Life was soon a replication of what it had been with the woman she replaced.

So, why did I stay (continue to stay) with the girls with BPD. And what does the fact that they were both so attractive mean for me.

I think a lot of it goes back to an earlier period in my life and my ex-wife, who I left for a beautiful woman who was 13 years younger than myself. Not that my wife wasn't gorgeous herself, she was a swim suit model for Ripcurl. In some sense, I feel that by staying with the last two women (with BPD), I am paying penance for breaking my ex-wife's heart many years earlier. But it is not just that.

With BPD1 I understood her behaviours in terms of the suicide of her husband and additionally, I so desperately wanted a child I stayed. The problem I had was not losing a hot GF (BPD2 was even better looking), it was feeling that what happened was not right. The thing about her being attractive was that it made it so much easier for her to find someone else to be with.

Likewise with BPD2. The reasons I stay are partly that when things were good they were amazing. We seemed to connect at such a deep level and she initially rescued me when I was lost. I also stay because I feel that I am owed something. I have taken the abuse of two women now, I have played the role of carer, of lover, of supporting partner. And now I feel that I REALLY, REALLY deserve to have a wonderful life, with a wonderful partner. I've given up the past 5 years of my life to these women, women who were both capable in their own ways of making me very happy. In a sense, these two relationships have blended into one.

But lets get back to the thing with attractiveness. The thing that allows these two women to take and take and take, and walk off into the sunset without a care in the world is that they both know there will always be another man around the corner. This fact is really frustrating... .I've paid my dues, I deserve you to love me the way I know that you can, how dare you walk away and just give that love to another man whom has done nothing for you.

There you go... .Analyse until your heart is content!

[Turkish]

But lets get back to the thing with attractiveness. The thing that allows these two women to take and take and take, and walk off into the sunset without a care in the world is that they both know there will always be another man around the corner. This fact is really frustrating... .I've paid my dues, I deserve you to love me the way I know that you can, how dare you walk away and just give that love to another man whom has done nothing for you.

There you go... .Analyse until your heart is content!

I wouldn't presume to analyze any guilt you have about leaving your wife, or pennance. Overall, it's a tough story. I would agree that we all deserve love. My Ex left me for a random guy, 18 years younger than me--- and more attractive--- that she met while out clubbing when I was home with our babies. Financial security didn't matter, nor did our kids. Nor all of the times i spent listening to her pain about her family. Using whatever dysfunctional coping mechanisms to soothe her emptiness were what mattered to her. Her pain was to great for me to soothe in the long term, even if I initially thought that I could. Yes, she is very pretty (my BPD mother is not, so this balances it out, at least anecdotally).

What I do see as a common denominator here, with your Ex-wife, BPD1, and BPD2, is attractiveness. Given what you just wrote, do you think you would feel any less betrayed if your Ex girlfriends were of average looks? Would it hurt any less?

[snowmonkey]

Turkish,

In some sense, if the two BPD's were less attractive I would feel less betrayed... .but perhaps betrayed is the wrong word. I might feel less bad. I might have a mind set; right, now I will replace you with someone that really is stunning. I don't think it is superficial to admit that when you first meet someone you assess them on their looks. Furthermore, I think you need to be attracted to someone to really fall in love. So, on the level of physical attraction I might feel that I could do better.

On the other hand, in some sense I would feel more betrayed (and betrayed here is the right word). I would not only feel that I had given them all the things that I had done and accepted all the pain that they dished out, but additionally I would feel that I was an attractive partner for them and we were not equal in this aspect of our relationship either. It might be even harder to take.

For me, physical attraction is very important. I don't know if I could fall in love with someone whom I viewed as unattractive. I just can't picture myself sharing long meaningful conversations, going out for romantic dinners or having a longing for someone that I am not that attracted to. In other words, I see attractiveness as a gateway to a fuller, deeper and more beautiful relationship. Both of my exBPDs had passed through that gateway and at times, we had had very intense and beautiful relationships.

What I am saying, is that it is not just about sex, or about having a less attractive GF. For me, it is about having an attractive GF that allows me to engage and have an even deeper relationship. Does that make sense?

[Notwendy]

Snowmonkey, in reference to the statement that women with BPD tend to me more attractive, and the fact that you have been in relationships with a few women with BPD, I would like to propose that women with BPD are more attractive to you.

It is also interesting that you left your beautiful wife for a young attractive woman. So, you had an attractive wife but someone else was more attractive to you.

This isn't meant to be critical- it is clear that attraction is a high priority to you. However, part of attractiveness is not physical, it is emotional and sometimes not even something we are aware of. We tend to attract and be attracted to people who match us in a way emotionally.

My posts are not meant to be statistically significant. They are a case study of one. But I posted them to note my experience growing up with a mother who is very attractive and my own personal journey to differentiate from her.  One thing I have noticed is that we both attract different types of men- not just sexually. My mother has friends, neighbors, who will do what you did with the woman you describe- spend money, time, and energy, just to try to make her happy.

If she needed something fixed, she would pick up the phone and someone would run over with a tool kit. I would pick up the tool kit.

In a nutshell, my mother attracts men who like to be rescuers. This type of personality is not attracted to me. Growing up believing I had to take care of others to be loved, I attract people who expect to be taken care of. This has nothing to do with looks. It's a quality beyond that. It is also something that has led me to work on my own FOO issues. This is not something that can be changed with a beauty makeover.

I will propose this to you snowmonkey- that there are attractive women with different personality attributes out there, but it is the attractive women with BPD who turn you on.

[Skip]

Both of my exBPDs had passed through that gateway and at times, we had had very intense and beautiful relationships.

What I am saying, is that it is not just about sex, or about having a less attractive GF. For me, it is about having an attractive GF that allows me to engage and have an even deeper relationship. Does that make sense?

We do have an "Improving Board" where we talk about mending relationships.

What are your significant concerns about her?  What are her concerns (complaints) about you? Is she diagnosed?