The situation is so intolerable that I am afraid of what I may do and not him

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I made it clear to my BPD partner more than a year ago that the relationship was over. We have been together 14 years during which he made the lives of my children and my life an absolute hell. I have two children from my first marriage: A son, 22, who is studying and home on the weekends, and my older daughter, now 21, moved in with her boyfriend's family when she was 18 because she couldn't stand his harassment anymore. We have a daughter together who is 10 and in therapy because of him. We own a house together, and the downstairs is a separate apartment. The rooms downstairs had been turned into kids' rooms, so the kitchen was torn out. For more than a year he has been saying he will move into the downstairs apartment, but he only started to do this several months ago because he found out I was looking for an apartment for my son, our daughter and myself because he hadn't been making any effort to move downstairs. Instead, he was continuing to terrorize the children and me. When he found out I was planning on moving, he got scared that he would lose our common daughter and got his butt somewhat in gear.

He now has a girlfriend who lives 8 hours away and she has already stayed here for a weekend, and because he is taking his time about getting set up downstairs, he does not have a kitchen yet, and the girlfriend was, therefore, up in my part of the house for meals. No consideration for me or our daughter. I survived the discomfort of that weekend, but now she's coming again, and in the meantime he still does not have his kitchen set up downstairs--and he's had weeks to do this since the last time she was here. I only put up with it because I thought I would only have to tolerate it once (and it would have happened anyway, no matter how I feel or what effect it has on our daughter; he only has consideration for his own feelings).

He has been promising to do many things for over 10 years but experience has taught me that he will never finish any of the projects he started, so I'm not very confident that he will move downstairs completely anytime soon, and I am afraid he will still find an excuse to be up in my part of the house 10 years from now! I am afraid I will become physically violent with him because I found out yesterday cruel and abusive things he did to my son when he was young and which I didn't know about. I am boiling over with hatred and rage right now, and the thought of tolerating more humiliation with him bringing his girlfriend into my house is more than I can bear. Every day he promises he will be set up downstairs, but every day he is still in the kitchen, taking over everything and making a mess and making our lives uncomfortable. Even his own daughter wants him to move downstairs at last!

After looking for an apartment, I came to the unfortunate realization that I can't afford to move out. I'm stuck having to wait for him

[Cryin Shame]

I made it clear to my BPD partner more than a year ago that the relationship was over. We have been together 14 years during which he made the lives of my children and my life an absolute hell. I have two children from my first marriage: A son, 22, who is studying and home on the weekends, and my older daughter, now 21, moved in with her boyfriend's family when she was 18 because she couldn't stand his harassment anymore. We have a daughter together who is 10 and in therapy because of him. We own a house together, and the downstairs is a separate apartment. The rooms downstairs had been turned into kids' rooms, so the kitchen was torn out. For more than a year he has been saying he will move into the downstairs apartment, but he only started to do this several months ago because he found out I was looking for an apartment for my son, our daughter and myself because he hadn't been making any effort to move downstairs. Instead, he was continuing to terrorize the children and me. When he found out I was planning on moving, he got scared that he would lose our common daughter and got his butt somewhat in gear.

He now has a girlfriend who lives 8 hours away and she has already stayed here for a weekend, and because he is taking his time about getting set up downstairs, he does not have a kitchen yet, and the girlfriend was, therefore, up in my part of the house for meals. No consideration for me or our daughter. I survived the discomfort of that weekend, but now she's coming again, and in the meantime he still does not have his kitchen set up downstairs--and he's had weeks to do this since the last time she was here. I only put up with it because I thought I would only have to tolerate it once (and it would have happened anyway, no matter how I feel or what effect it has on our daughter; he only has consideration for his own feelings).

He has been promising to do many things for over 10 years but experience has taught me that he will never finish any of the projects he started, so I'm not very confident that he will move downstairs completely anytime soon, and I am afraid he will still find an excuse to be up in my part of the house 10 years from now! I am afraid I will become physically violent with him because I found out yesterday cruel and abusive things he did to my son when he was young and which I didn't know about. I am boiling over with hatred and rage right now, and the thought of tolerating more humiliation with him bringing his girlfriend into my house is more than I can bear. Every day he promises he will be set up downstairs, but every day he is still in the kitchen, taking over everything and making a mess and making our lives uncomfortable. Even his own daughter wants him to move downstairs at last!

After looking for an apartment, I came to the unfortunate realization that I can't afford to move out. I'm stuck having to wait for him

[Grey Kitty]

That sounds really tough. The kitchen sharing and delays around it sound difficult and triggering, even without the girlfriend visiting.

Is there any way you can make yourself busy as much as possible over the weekend while the girlfriend is there? This isn't a good long-term solution in many ways, for a lot of reasons, but it may be your best option.

If you are afraid you will become physically violent, it is a safe bet that doing so will make things far worse, and almost anything is preferable to that!

[Cryin Shame]

Thanks, Grey Kitty. His oldest daughter told me that the girlfriend is waiting until Monday or Tuesday to come and is also putting pressure on him to move out finally and completely. It must have been uncomfortable for her, too. I feel sorry for her for going into this relationship as blinded by love as I was--she should be asking herself what kind of man has his girlfriend stay in the same house with his ex-partner and their child?

[C.Stein]

I can only imagine how incredibly difficult this all is for you.  I think you have done an admirable job at handling this ordeal.     

Hopefully the new GF will motivate him to move out of your house sooner than later.  I agree with GK, if it is at all possible remove yourself from any situations that might lead to regrettable actions.  

[Grey Kitty]

Whew, you've got a couple days before you have to deal with the GF again.

And perhaps a touch of empathy for how awkward and uncomfortable things are for her.

Where you are now, it is completely normal to have your feelings all over the map, simultaneously wanting your partner to leave and be done... .and being mad/jealous at him and his new partner. Yes, all those feelings seem crazy, but they are all real. It would be a lot easier to deal with them if he was farther away. 

Meanwhile... .he's still living there, and still sharing a kitchen with you, and even if you, the kids, and his new GF all want him to change this ASAP, it will probably take a while. Lets work on reducing the stress and conflict levels for you!

Can you describe a typical situation that is upsetting to you in a fair bit of detail? We've got a lot of tools here for improving situations like that.