Is it normal for them to keep tabs on you?

[sweet tooth]

I was involved with a woman for 11 months who had some BPD traits. We got really close and I believe she became engulfed, causing her to fabricate reasons to be angry with me. For example, she told me how she felt "uncomfortable" because I looked at her LinkdIn page without adding her. Later that night she told me she needed space. Two weeks later I contacted her and she told me "do not contact me again."

However, now she keeps tabs on me through my LinkdIn page. We're friends on Facebook, but she deactivated it. It's impossible to know if she's checking up on me through Facebook, but she probably is. The day everything went down she asked me to take down the pics of us on Facebook that make us look like a couple. She must have deactivated her Facebook, saw the pics, and the deactivated it again. In that instance, she was definitely keeping tabs on me even though she made it seem like she was inactive on the site.

Is this normal for the condition? Why do it if she doesn't want me to contact her? It makes no sense.

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex is undiagnosed and may have several comorbid conditions, but he also does this.  He claimed a few weeks ago that he never wanted to come to a gathering with our friends again, but he still checks our shared social media page, and did this morning.  He definitely isn't checking to survey events he wants to come to -- he's coming so that he can see where I am, where all of us are.

[balletomane]

I don't know if my ex keeps tabs on me or not. I doubt it - I think it's out of sight, out of mind with him - but then I remember that he has tried to reconnect with exes in the past, and that makes me wonder if he watches us online. I'm trying not to let it matter. Part of me still feels very hurt that he could just dispose of me so casually (he got together with the girlfriend after me while he was still with me) and move on without pain or apparently any sense that this was wrong, and I would see him checking up on me as a sign that maybe the disposal hadn't been so casual after all. Another part of me doesn't need any affirmation from him.

[naguma]

Yes, very normal.

My ex got in contact with her previous SO 4-5 months into our relationship then again 4 years in.

After our break up, she has tried to contact me a few times even after she got a restraining order.  The best control method I know of seems to exile yourself from facebook and other social media. Ask friends to stop posting pictures of you.

Personally, I moved and stay under the radar. She still tries to contact me (even went on my facebook account and an old email). Worst yet, she still tries to hurt me.

This has at least limited the damage on my life. However, if anyone has an answer that removes them completely from your life - all ears:)

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey ST-

Is this normal for the condition? Why do it if she doesn't want me to contact her? It makes no sense.

In this day of social media, where we document our lives online for the world to see, cyberstalking is common, personality disorder or not.  Now borderlines do things for their own reasons, like everyone else, but a borderline continually straddles the fence between the fears of abandonment and engulfment and hates to lose an attachment, the worst thing that can happen for someone with the disorder, so getting a piece of you through LinkedIn could give her a jolt of attachment.  Never mind she left you, personality disorders can motivate behaviors that are self-defeating.

And the larger issue at this point is what are you doing about it?  What is your motivation for finding out she's checking up on you, how does that make you feel, what do you make it mean, and what are you going to do about it moving forward?

[once removed]

i was a month or two out and in the midst of agonizing over whether or not she even thought of me when i discovered she was accessing my email. it didnt make any sense to me either; she was in another relationship and living with the guy.

like fromheeltoheal said, cyberstalking is common. i check up on lots of people id prefer didnt contact me. the motivation behind your situation is pure speculation. whats your gut telling you?

[hurting300]

I think it depends on the person and honestly this isn't just a BPD thing. Normal people sometimes might take a peak at an exes Facebook. Does that make them disordered? Where stalking is actually stalking is what I did when my vanished with our baby. Although I had the right to do that. Now I found one of Facebook friends is actually HER friend. So who knows. I think it's not necessarily a BPD thing.

[sweet tooth]

And the larger issue at this point is what are you doing about it?  What is your motivation for finding out she's checking up on you, how does that make you feel, what do you make it mean, and what are you going to do about it moving forward?

It makes me feel confused and hurt. I still love her. I miss the good times. We got along extraordinarily well except when she felt engulfed and was dysregulating. My gut is telling me that she felt engulfed, didn't know how to handle her feelings, acted impulsively, and know regrets it. She's become withdrawn before.

She would do the disappearing act when that would happen, but she would always come back. She never said, "do not contact me again," though.

I honestly don't know how to respond if she reconnects. Like I said, I love her. But she's incapable of having an intimate relationship with anybody. It hurts like hell. I want her in my life, but the inconsistencies are heart wrenching.

Also, I received a mysterious "no number" missed call a week or so after all this went down. That adds to the confusion.

[sweet tooth]

I think it depends on the person and honestly this isn't just a BPD thing. Normal people sometimes might take a peak at an exes Facebook. Does that make them disordered? Where stalking is actually stalking is what I did when my vanished with our baby. Although I had the right to do that. Now I found one of Facebook friends is actually HER friend. So who knows. I think it's not necessarily a BPD thing.

I find it bizarre for somebody to say "do not contact me again" and then keep tabs on you. Whenever I was in a situation where I wanted to lose contact with somebody in the past I blocked all forms of communication. I wanted to forget them, not go out of my way to see what they were up to!

[hurting300]

I think it depends on the person and honestly this isn't just a BPD thing. Normal people sometimes might take a peak at an exes Facebook. Does that make them disordered? Where stalking is actually stalking is what I did when my vanished with our baby. Although I had the right to do that. Now I found one of Facebook friends is actually HER friend. So who knows. I think it's not necessarily a BPD thing.

I find it bizarre for somebody to say "do not contact me again" and then keep tabs on you. Whenever I was in a situation where I wanted to lose contact with somebody in the past I blocked all forms of communication. I wanted to forget them, not go out of my way to see what they were up to!

Well that's disorder for you .

[fromheeltoheal]

And the larger issue at this point is what are you doing about it?  What is your motivation for finding out she's checking up on you, how does that make you feel, what do you make it mean, and what are you going to do about it moving forward?

It makes me feel confused and hurt. I still love her. I miss the good times. We got along extraordinarily well except when she felt engulfed and was dysregulating. My gut is telling me that she felt engulfed, didn't know how to handle her feelings, acted impulsively, and know regrets it. She's become withdrawn before.

She would do the disappearing act when that would happen, but she would always come back. She never said, "do not contact me again," though.

I honestly don't know how to respond if she reconnects. Like I said, I love her. But she's incapable of having an intimate relationship with anybody. It hurts like hell. I want her in my life, but the inconsistencies are heart wrenching.

Also, I received a mysterious "no number" missed call a week or so after all this went down. That adds to the confusion.

I understand ST, it's very painful and confusing.  You've been here a few months now, and maybe it's time to make some real decisions:

Think about what traits you want in a partner and relationship.  Consistency and stability may be two; even though the good times were great, can she ever provide the consistency and stability you might want in a relationship?  If not, act accordingly.

Is someone who disappears on you and then shows up like nothing happened, and says 'don't contact me again' and then checks up on you and possibly calls you treating you with respect?  We only have as much disrespect in our lives as we allow.

There's a big gap between a little bit of hope that it will work out and no hope at all, and it takes a pretty big leap to get there.  Not a leap really, just a letting go, and you don't have to do much to let go, just let go.  Are you getting closer to letting go?  The way out is to shift the focus from her to you and from the past to your bright future, as quickly as you can, and the past will pull you towards it, so you need conscious focus to adamantly march towards that bright future, first by developing a vision for it, and not letting anything get in the way of that vision, which informs how you can respond should she try and contact you again.  What does a bright future look like for you?