Letting Go of the Anger

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

For months, they love everything about you, can hardly stand spending time away from you, always positive and complimentary, patient, pointing out and appreciation your strengths and character, talking about your future together.  They truly get you and love who you are.  Then one day, there is this intense overreaction over a minor incident and they look at you like you are the worst person they know.  It's personal, it isn't about the action or behavior that they think just happened, it is about you as a person.  They seem to have forgotten who you are and who you have consistently been in the past months.  This emotion of theirs is so strong that they no longer care to have you in their life based on this one perceived incident. Accusations are being cast at you, things you aren't doing and would probably never do.  You look into their eyes and can tell they aren't just spewing nonsense because they are trying to hurt you.  They actually believe deep down what they are saying about you.  How is this possible? You begin to second guess yourself and search to see if maybe you may have done something that could have been misunderstood that could justify this reaction.  A desperate attempt to get back to that feeling of when things were so good but in their eyes, you are worthless and being dismissed.

Then the next day or even hours later, things are different.  They start with a smile or give you a flirty compliment, almost acting like none of it was said.  This probably happens over and over before you start to catch on that it isn't you, but something is off in their thought process, the way they process their emotions. 

Before my ex partner was identified as having BPD traits, I would refer to emotional conversations with him as being worse than dealing with a "teenage girl on her period".  The emotional responses were just so exaggerated for the incidents occurring, real or just perceived.  I could see the anger and I knew anger came from hurt but where was this hurt coming from? At first, I tried to help break things down to help him talk through his thought process.  “I understand you think it should only take me 20 minutes at Toys R Us, but I’m a big kid at heart and I got caught up in all the cool toys.  Are you sure this is about me taking too long shopping or are you afraid I’m doing something I shouldn’t be doing like cheating on you?”  (That I could actually kind of understand….) The craziest part was that wasn’t his fear at all.  His response was “You don’t want to be with me so you are deliberately taking extra time at the store to avoid being around me.  If this is how it is going to be, then this needs to end.” I was devastated and I cried.  I couldn’t understand what I had done that was so awful that he didn’t want me anymore. Just a month ago, he proposed to me and I moved into our new home with him. 

These scenarios continued to happen over the next month with more and more intensity and demands.  How do I stop doing something I’m not doing?  Why is this happening now and why didn’t he act this way when we were dating?

I don’t know how but I convinced him to go to couples therapy with me.  After just a couple sessions, the therapist picked up on him not being mentally healthy and pulled me aside.  We probably went for 6- 8 weeks before my BPD partner decided he didn’t need to go anymore.  I continued to go and I tried to learn different techniques to help with these emotional outbursts.  He started transferring his fears and splitting onto my friends, family, children and it got to be too much for me.  One day he gave me the “then this needs to end” ultimatum as he had done regularly in the past few months.  This time I didn’t cry, I was numb. I just calmly agreed and took my “out”.  He had finally convinced me that I didn’t want to be with him. 

The move was rough because even though it was his idea and he didn’t want me,   I don’t think he was really ready for it. One day, he would give me a fist pump for finding a place so quickly then the next day pushing up my move date, hiding his car cause he was afraid I would steal it, trying to change the locks on me with my stuff still inside.  Then tell me he hopes we stay friends cause I’m really important to him.  I got through it all, I had to call the police to get my things but once I had the last box in my car, I knew I would be ok. 

I went in for my therapy appointment the next week and this time my therapist gave me information on BPD and a couple other personality disorders he felt might apply.  I couldn’t believe that my life for the last year was right there in front of me in black and white.  I felt a sense of relief that I finally understood why those things had happened.  The more I read, the better I felt. 

I went through a period of anger too.  I had to tell myself, “He made the last 5 months of your life hell, terrorizing you- don’t let him ruin even one more day.”  That really helped me to stay focused on moving on and being happy.  I have kids too that were affected so I am trying to demonstrate that “Life isn’t about what happens to you, it is how you recover from it that really matters.”  Now it’s just anxiety that I deal with.  The catch is we still work together so I have to be very observant of his moods still.  This website has really helped me and I hope you find help here as well.       

[bunny4523]

For months, they love everything about you, can hardly stand spending time away from you, always positive and complimentary, patient, pointing out and appreciation your strengths and character, talking about your future together.  They truly get you and love who you are.  Then one day, there is this intense overreaction over a minor incident and they look at you like you are the worst person they know.  It's personal, it isn't about the action or behavior that they think just happened, it is about you as a person.  They seem to have forgotten who you are and who you have consistently been in the past months.  This emotion of theirs is so strong that they no longer care to have you in their life based on this one perceived incident. Accusations are being cast at you, things you aren't doing and would probably never do.  You look into their eyes and can tell they aren't just spewing nonsense because they are trying to hurt you.  They actually believe deep down what they are saying about you.  How is this possible? You begin to second guess yourself and search to see if maybe you may have done something that could have been misunderstood that could justify this reaction.  A desperate attempt to get back to that feeling of when things were so good but in their eyes, you are worthless and being dismissed.

Then the next day or even hours later, things are different.  They start with a smile or give you a flirty compliment, almost acting like none of it was said.  This probably happens over and over before you start to catch on that it isn't you, but something is off in their thought process, the way they process their emotions. 

Before my ex partner was identified as having BPD traits, I would refer to emotional conversations with him as being worse than dealing with a "teenage girl on her period".  The emotional responses were just so exaggerated for the incidents occurring, real or just perceived.  I could see the anger and I knew anger came from hurt but where was this hurt coming from? At first, I tried to help break things down to help him talk through his thought process.  “I understand you think it should only take me 20 minutes at Toys R Us, but I’m a big kid at heart and I got caught up in all the cool toys.  Are you sure this is about me taking too long shopping or are you afraid I’m doing something I shouldn’t be doing like cheating on you?”  (That I could actually kind of understand….) The craziest part was that wasn’t his fear at all.  His response was “You don’t want to be with me so you are deliberately taking extra time at the store to avoid being around me.  If this is how it is going to be, then this needs to end.” I was devastated and I cried.  I couldn’t understand what I had done that was so awful that he didn’t want me anymore. Just a month ago, he proposed to me and I moved into our new home with him. 

These scenarios continued to happen over the next month with more and more intensity and demands.  How do I stop doing something I’m not doing?  Why is this happening now and why didn’t he act this way when we were dating?

I don’t know how but I convinced him to go to couples therapy with me.  After just a couple sessions, the therapist picked up on him not being mentally healthy and pulled me aside.  We probably went for 6- 8 weeks before my BPD partner decided he didn’t need to go anymore.  I continued to go and I tried to learn different techniques to help with these emotional outbursts.  He started transferring his fears and splitting onto my friends, family, children and it got to be too much for me.  One day he gave me the “then this needs to end” ultimatum as he had done regularly in the past few months.  This time I didn’t cry, I was numb. I just calmly agreed and took my “out”.  He had finally convinced me that I didn’t want to be with him. 

The move was rough because even though it was his idea and he didn’t want me,   I don’t think he was really ready for it. One day, he would give me a fist pump for finding a place so quickly then the next day pushing up my move date, hiding his car cause he was afraid I would steal it, trying to change the locks on me with my stuff still inside.  Then tell me he hopes we stay friends cause I’m really important to him.  I got through it all, I had to call the police to get my things but once I had the last box in my car, I knew I would be ok. 

I went in for my therapy appointment the next week and this time my therapist gave me information on BPD and a couple other personality disorders he felt might apply.  I couldn’t believe that my life for the last year was right there in front of me in black and white.  I felt a sense of relief that I finally understood why those things had happened.  The more I read, the better I felt. 

I went through a period of anger too.  I had to tell myself, “He made the last 5 months of your life hell, terrorizing you- don’t let him ruin even one more day.”  That really helped me to stay focused on moving on and being happy.  I have kids too that were affected so I am trying to demonstrate that “Life isn’t about what happens to you, it is how you recover from it that really matters.”  Now it’s just anxiety that I deal with.  The catch is we still work together so I have to be very observant of his moods still.  This website has really helped me and I hope you find help here as well.       

[rfriesen]

"Now it's just the anxiety that I deal with."

I really relate to that. After the first few blow-ups and then "breaks" with my exBPDgf, I thought the reason that my heart was constantly pounding and chest always tight was that we were making some kind of terrible mistake by ending things. I thought it was because our love was so intense that my body was reacting so powerfully. After the last time, I realized that actually it was mostly from holding in so much stress and anxiety. Over the past two and a half weeks, I've finally learned to just let it wash over me - my body just really needs to let go of the anxiety I've been holding in, always walking on eggshells and worried about the next outburst. I still have rough patches throughout the day, but each day I seem to breathe a little easier, be letting go a little more ... .